I Don't Even Own a Television

Content Warning: This book is filled with some of the most atrocious sexual ethics you will ever encounter and it needed to be discussed. So there are some sensitive issues addressed on this week's show. Please be aware.

Piers Anthony wrote "A Spell For Chameleon" as a book for adults, and was told by his publisher that it would be released as a YA novel unless he 'dressed it up' and made it more mature. The result is a book filled with busty centaurs, awkwardly employed vocabulary words, and really bad puns. It's also morally bankrupt and is probably responsible for ruining the minds of many teenagers nationwide. Listen, if you dare, as I'm joined by Official Rap Legend Jesse Dangerously to dissect this shining example of bad bad BAD fantasy.

Bumper Music: "The Trees" by Rush, "Karma Chameleon" by Culture Club

Secret eugenics programs? Harley mechanics? Babies, babies, babies? Sounds like a Harlequin Intrigue book to me.

Join myself and internet storyteller of note Mara Wilson as we recount our descent into the fictional world of "Covert Conception", a book where top-secret genetic research firms use date-rape drugs to trick people into doing it and making 'superior babies'. Yes, it's as weird as it sounds.

Topics include: Romance novel bingo, puritanical upbringings, and sex dreams about Ricky Gervais.

Bumper music: "Flying High Again" by Ozzy Osbourne, "Bad Boys" by Steel Pulse

OH NO. I'M TACKLING A SACRED COW. i will gladly admit that talking about this book was my idea b/c i found it really off-putting in so many ways. after researching, i found out that this book is actually held in high regard by lots of people. guess what? those people are WRONG. it's really awful.

join myself and internet ne're-do-well Adam Marler (twitter's @Dr_Cop) as we talk about "rocket ships", sexy secreataries, and Robert Heinlein's crazy sex life. i promise you will walk away with a new respect for anybody who could stand to be around Mr. Heinlein for more than an hour at a time.

Hope you guys like "Drunk History" cuz that's what we accidentally made this week. Join Centa Schumacher and I as we have an obviously intoxicated late-night discussion about a piece of completely bonkers pseudo-history called "Chariots of the Gods" and wind up just sort of rambling about history and the X-Files for an hour due to the influence of alcoholic beverages and marital bliss.

We debut a new segment called "Plot in 60 Seconds" and get down to the nitty gritty about ancient Egypt, aryan space aliens, and incorrect biblical references.

Bumper Music: "ATLients" by Outkast, "Space Oddity" by David Bowie

This is a long one. It's a long one about a mystery novel written by Bill O'Reilly. And it guest-stars Jeb Lund. If you thought Jeb and I would be able to talk about a Bill O'Reilly novel for anything less than an hour, you are friggin' crazy. Topics include: Serial Revenge Murder, Loofa/Falafels, Sade, and the absolute wrong way to perform oral sex.

Also I forgot to give Jeb time to plug stuff so please follow him on twitter: @Mobute

WARNING THIS ONE GETS PRETTY EXPLICIT YA'LL.

Bumper music: "Sister Sanctified" by Stanley Turrentine and Milt Jackson, "I'm Just a Bill" from Schoolhouse Rock, and the man himself, Bill O'Reilly.

Join us as internet music impressario, funny man, and expecting father Klopfenpop joins ME to talk about a really bad book about advice for people in his situation. This was written by a very confusing man who appears to exist in a middle ground between 1978 and 2014 and floats between them interchangably.

Please chill with us as we discuss the huge problems with invoking a sarcastic tone in a book that is designed to be a guide to pregnancy, and how it takes a special type of guy to write a book about having a baby that mostly revolves around men feeling bad.

Oh yeah, there are jokes too. Promise.

Bumper music: "Satisfaction" by Devo, "Had a Dad" by Jane's Addiction, "Baby Steps" by Shubzilla and Klopfenpop

Hoo boy. HOO BOY. In this episode, I team up with Leeman Kessler, creator and host of "Ask Lovecraft" and Actual Practicing Christian™ to talk about "Left Behind" and how friggin ridiculous it is. This episode is long! But you will learn things! Prepare to laugh and pray for your immortal soul.

HOLY SHIT. People like this book. SMART people like this book. The New York Times liked this book. The problem is that this book is a piece of crap that basically functions as a checklist of nostalgia items from the 1980's.

Join game designer Mike Sacco and I as we yuk it up over the text of this reference-packed slog through a future world that seems like it was conceptualized in 1985. Highlights include: Aerosmith's "Revolution X" video game, misidentifying this author as the guitarist of Wilco, and probably way too much on-mic laughter.

P.S. Did I mention that this book is BAAAAAAD? Cuz it is.

Bumper Music: "Video Games" by Lana Del Rey, "Pac-Man Fever" by Buckner & Garcia, and "Before Baywatch" by Donuts N' Glory

WARNING: BASEBALL NERD EDITION

I recommended that we mock "Veeck - As In Wreck" solely after reading the first chapter, which is quite disturbing and has to do with exploitation of little people. However, it turns out that Bill Veeck was a pretty rad dude for a crazy man. However, his autobiography sucks.

I will warn you in advance, this is an episode for baseball nerds and people who just really like to hear me get things wrong and be corrected. If you are not interested in either thing, you might not dig this one so much. But that's cuz you're a dork.

Anyway, stay tuned next week as we get back into genre fiction and other nerd-friendly topics, okay? And now please bear with us as Tim and I engage in a long discussion about a game we love where 40-year old steroid freaks hit a tiny ball with a big wooden stick.

Bumper Music: "Bye Bye Baby" SF Giants Fight Song. "Baseball" by Kenny Franks, "One Man, Five Tools" by Puig Destoyer

Join myself and noted internet humorist and music critic David Thorpe as we examine the shadowy world of backwards messages hidden inside the darkest metal records of the 70's and 80's, including the collected works of Hall & Oates and The Captain and Tenille.

This book was written by a man who is quite possibly mentally ill in a very legitimate sense and details an immense satanic conspiracy throughout the world of rock. It is ostensibly a book about the technique of backmasking; but quickly digresses into chapter after chapter of nonsense, much like this podcast.

But please enjoy our in-depth discussions of Lone-Gunmen Glasses, Ron Henley, and why Robin Gibb is the most evil man in rock and roll.