I Hate It, Let’s Watch It

We interrupt our regularly scheduled garbage to take a pointless detour through someone's comic book-inspired fever dream on this week's episode of Riverdale. We get bite-size morality tales featuring headless basketball players, jungle leprosy, what was ALMOST a Spiderwoman origin story, and a menage a trois that's a real side-splitter (WINK WINK). This episode was a waste of time, but our recap is NOT, so let us get you caught up in a much less painful way so we're all ready to tackle more serious issues next week! (But probably not.)

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This week, we celebrate the demise of our first mismatched pairing, thanks to Betty's unerring determination to GET LAID. With Cheryl and Archie on thin ice as well, we direct our full ire towards the blasphemy that is Vughead (BARF) and their half-hearted attempt to solve the milkman murders between bouts of awkward banter and unsexy makeout sessions. In other news, Uncle Frank is back and sporting an evil-looking mustache and an ATTITUDE, and a very pleased toad tells Midge she's pregnant with Fangs' baby. We wish we were kidding.

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If you came here for sex or education, we're sorry to say that this episode has neither. What we can offer is our most valiant attempt at making something interesting out of a very dull episode of Riverdale that couldn't deliver on its promise of salacious sexy times. Let us draw your focus instead to the newest murderer on the scene...THE MILKMAN, who allegedly stabby stabbed Ethel's parents and is still at large! Who will be the next victim, and is this mysterious Milkman someone we know? We don't have many answers yet, but what we do know is that it's a very good time to be lactose intolerant.

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Gas up your DeLoreans because Season 7 of Riverdale is stuck in the 50s and we really need to get back to the future where, admittedly, everything still sucks but at least we'd be rid of Veronica's bangs. While Tabitha is working on untangling some timelines to restore the gang to the present day, we're working on untangling some of the ridiculous elements we've already been introduced to in just the first couple of episodes like the fact that these are now fully grown adults acting like 16-year-olds again and Jughead is somehow able to dig up a time capsule that won't be buried for another 60 years...

Come along with us as we lovingly hate on this shitshow called Riverdale for one last season before we all get taken out by Bailey's Comet for good.

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Brace yourselves! Season 7 of Riverdale is almost upon us! And there is A LOT of reminiscing to be done, as well as some well-intentioned attempts at predicting what's to come. We are both excited and terrified to see what the writers have in store for this final season of a show that has jumped about a hundred sharks in its 6-year runtime, and we hope you'll be there to experience it with us!

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Here's a drinking game sure to mess you up -- one rule: drink every time we say "EW." Infinity Pool might just be the most disgusting movie we've ever covered, and that's saying something considering we watched a movie about two people being sewn together at the abdomen and another movie where evil pastries cause you to fart yourself to death. This one was an incredibly bizarre trip that we were wholly unprepared for. Join us as we unpack the unsettling exploration of human nature that is Infinity Pool, but fair warning -- you may never be able to look at tomato sauce the same way again.

We also took this opportunity to help promote one of our fellow indie podcasts, 2 Cents Critic! Be sure to check out their trailer at the top of our episode and look for our Instagram post to find links to their social media and streaming sites.

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Razzie Award-winning director Colson Baker brings us this week's assault on our ears and eyes, and let's just say, we've hit a new low. Good Mourning redefines "waste of time" and the flaccid attempt at a plot makes some of the other movies we've watched for this podcast look like Best Pictures. We've thoughtfully condensed a HARROWING 90-minute experience into a very digestible 35-minute conversation, and quite frankly, there should be a new type of award for that.

We also took this opportunity to help promote one of our fellow indie podcasts, Chat Tsunami! Be sure to check out their trailer at the top of our episode and look for our Instagram post to find links to their social media and streaming sites.

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It's gettin' hot in here, so take off all your clothes -- except your undershirt and old timey suspenders because GOD DAMN, that's a good look. We couldn't have hoped for a better way to end our month of loooove celebration than with this steamy cinematic sexventure, so if you are looking for a way to warm up in these cold winter months, throw on Lady Chatterley's Lover and join our conversation about the unequivocally swoon-worthy Oliver Mellors and those goddamn suspenders.

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For our 100th episode, we wanted to do something really special and this made-for-tv movie from 1990 based on our beloved Archie Comics characters definitely fit the bill! Just over two years ago, we were inspired to start making this podcast so we could have the opportunity to vent about the ridiculousness that is the CW series Riverdale. One hundred episodes later, we're still venting about that but now we get to add this version of Riverdale to the mix! Archie: To Riverdale and Back is one long terrible episode of Riverdale complete with cheesy dialogue, a thin plot regarding the potential destruction of Pop's, and inspirational speeches about coming together as town delivered by the man, Archie Andrews, himself. Special thanks to our fans who have been with us since our very first episode covering Episode 1 of Season 5 of Riverdale -- this one is for you!

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If you're looking for an exciting, romantic movie to watch while you're curled up with that special someone this Valentine's Day...keep looking because The Final Rose ain't it. Fans of Bachelor Nation will get a kick out of the obvious winks and nods to the franchise, but other than trying to be a parody, this movie has NO idea what it's doing and you WILL be disappointed by the lackluster resolution.

We also took this opportunity to help promote one of our fellow indie podcasts, From Under the Apron! Be sure to check out their trailer at the top of our episode and look for our Instagram post to find links to their social media and streaming sites.

Don’t forget to rate and subscribe for us too!