I Have No Idea What I’m Doing

Topics covered in this one include: missing Mom, getting good news, celebrating Matt's birthday, working towards goals, emotional exhaustion from grief, the state of the world, and the pandemic, and the importance of using a weekly planner for myself. I also read a little thing I wrote to Mom/about Mom, and I reflect on it a little bit. Also, I realize maybe I'm more depressed than I realized?

This one was originally just about being gentle with myself mentally and physically, talking about a moderately productive day off I had, missing Mom, the loneliness of bad health and the loneliness of the pandemic combining with the isolation grief desires, and how everything is really getting to me. And then Ruth Bader Ginsburg passed last night, and this episode became about all of these things AND what her passing has me feeling, and how I feel about things in the US of A. 

I also reference Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and her Instagram speech last night. I talk in depth about it, and I also encourage you to give her your undivided attention for 41 minutes and 12 seconds. You can find it on her Instagram @AOC, or you can use this link: https://www.instagram.com/tv/CFTXq9BHi2r/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

I talk about heavy topics and I swear a lot, consider this (and the Explicit tag!) your warning. 

Oh and one last note: in several spots in this episode, I apologize for this one being longer than normal episodes. After I did some editing, it's pretty much the same length as the others. I didn't edit out any major talking points; I just say "um," "yeah," "uh," and "but" a lot and I seriously pause sooo much between words and sentences, so truly, all I got rid of was dead air and long pauses. 

In this one, I tried some audio editing tricks. Not sure how I feel about them. It's still a learning process. I talk about the invisible parts of grief, the small things that strike out of nowhere and send me down a spiral of sadness. I also update on Midnight Sun, and what I'm reading now. I talk about creativity as a life raft again and some creative projects I'm trying to build up the nerve to do. I also talk about wishing for death, guilt about sharing my burden, feeling like a bother, and the guilt of not appreciating the things and people around me now. I talk about how much everything takes a toll to deal with, alone and with others. So just assume there's a trigger warning here, and also, I swear a lot.  

I talk about missing Mom, give another update on Midnight Sun, talk about books I'm looking forward to reading next and podcasts I'm listening to. The way little things I'll never get to do with Mom creep up on me comes up, and I ramble about my love for Gaga, writing, haunted houses, and all things October as well as finding my way back to feeling passion and using my passion for good instead of handing it over that energy to my anxiety. I swear a lot. And I talk about death, suicide, grief, you know. The usual things I warn about here. Also, I was wrong Andy Warhol used cameras that could only film for TWO minutes at a time, not 15 minutes at a time. 

I talk about grief and how it isn't something anyone gets to control for me or anyone else, being on the brink of the six month marker of Mom being gone, an update on reading Midnight Sun. I also ramble about what I used to do with my time before social media, D&D being a life raft. I also read a small thing I wrote concerning my grief: a creative writing exercise based on listening to some grief-related writings at the virtual readings I attend on Fridays. Clayton Spencer's essays about his father finally inspired me enough to give creatively writing about Mom a try. Clayton Spencer's Twitter is @baldgif - NOT @ClaytonSpencer like I assume in the episode!

Actually, just assume this is a blanket trigger warning for the whole podcast and a blanket explicit warning as well.

I ramble about missing Mom, therapy, finding my way back to good health, and the importance of good health. Also, I definitely swear in this one.

This one is all about the learning curve of audio files, a COVID-19 scare, a new treatment for my ongoing issue, skating, an anniversary weekend, some skating, some reading, and another month without Mom. Also, on a whim, I decided to read something I recently wrote. Thanks for listening.

I talk about grief, peanut butter meltdowns, skateboarding, breaking myself of perfectionism, and how much it sucks to be unable to call my mom. I'm marking it as explicit, because I can't keep track of when I swear and when I don't.