Inspiration from the Couch

Today’s episode focuses on people pleasing. We explore what it is, including how it manifests in our own lives and in the lives of our clients. We delineate some of the pros and cons of this behavior (as there are both ups and downs to showing up this way!), as well as the warning signs that you might be a people pleaser. Some common warning signs include: always saying yes, having a hard time saying no, a pattern of resentment, pretending (to be someone you’re not), over-apologizing, not sharing how you truly feel (withholding, being avoidant), and taking responsibility for others’ feelings. Lastly we discuss strategies to help us shift away from people pleasing, as well as potential barriers that might get in the way. 

The plan was to take a deep dive into “time off,” but as we got to talking, we realized that it’s hard to isolate this aspect of how we spend our time. So we broadened the conversation to the ways we spend our time, with specific focus on time off, time on, time away, time in(ward), and half-ass time (when we’re in no man’s land/purgatory of time, so to speak). We strategize about how we can spend our time over the holidays, connecting this back to our boundaries, knowing what we want/need, and intentionally managing our time in a way that supports being our best selves. 

Do try this at home: 

• If you’re going to do something, do it (and only it). Do one thing at a time. 
• Set a time limit (and an actual timer) for activities you might get lost in. 
• Practice these mantras: “I deserve time off” and “I am allowed to take time off.” 
• Be thoughtful and mindful about what time off (including when and how) works best for you. 

Happy holidays! Today’s episode focuses on various ways we can celebrate.. We explore the what and why of our favorite holiday celebrations. We discuss some of the ways we can celebrate everyday - the big things AND the small things. We also differentiate when celebrating might slip into overindulgence and entitlement. We then talk about things that get in the way of celebrating such as stress, depression, and anxiety and how celebrating can be used as a tool to boost your mood. As we’re in the thick of the holiday season, we encourage our listeners to focus on their purpose and intention for the holidays, to get clear on what feels celebratory and let go of things that are dreaded, and to be intentional about how to show up (how to be) during this holiday season.

In today’s episode, Jamie, Lucy, and Avery talk about how expectations come up for us in our lives. We notice that expectations can have a negative effect on our daily experiences and can impact special occasions like the holidays. We talk about how expectations can sneak up on us and threaten to “ruin” our experiences. We discuss how expectations feel in our body and some strategies we have found helping in managing our expectations. We talk about the pressure to have the “best holiday ever” and how difficult it can be when the holiday experience doesn’t live up to our expectations.   

Do try this at home:

• Be mindful of your expectations. If you are a person that often falls into the high expectations trap, pay attention to how you are feeling (especially during the holidays).
• Voice your expectations. Don't keep those things buried deep down inside. It may help if you reframe expectations as intentions or goals. You may find that putting words to your expectations helps to diffuse them. 
• Keep expectations low. When you keep your expectations reasonable and reachable, it is more likely that you’ll be pleasantly surprised by reaching them rather than disappointed when you don’t. 

In today’s episode, Lucy, Jamie, and Avery discuss comfort zones. Comfort zones get some pretty negative press, but great things can happen when we have a comfortable place to land where we can rest and feel secure, confident, and safe. Comfort zones can be, well, comfortable, but they can also become constraining. There are drawbacks to doing things as they have always been done before. Even though it can feel scary at first, pushing ourselves beyond the comfort zone can really be exciting and fun. Because life doesn’t always let us remain in our comfort zones, it is also important to get comfortable with unpredictability and the “new”. We tell some stories about when we have pushed ourselves out of our comfort zones, touch on some strategies that have helped us to manage the uncertainty and fear that come with trying new things and discuss the importance of balancing the “new” with comfortable routines. 

Do Try This at Home: 

• It is important to prioritize:  if you are really pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone in one way, keeping routines in other aspects of your life may really help. Being  intentional about balancing discomfort to comfort can help you push through the “new”.
• Pay attention to where your comfort zones are and ask yourself, “do I  truly feel comfortable or do I feel more ‘stuck in the mud’?” Which comfort zones are working for you and which ones get in the way?
• Sometimes we stay in our comfort zone because we are trying to avoid anxiety. Pay attention to whether you are unintentionally avoiding something that is important to you in an effort to avoid the anxiety that comes up when you think about trying something new. 

In this episode, Jamie, Avery, and Lucy talk about the pros, cons, and boundaries around social media and technology. We briefly discuss our own love/hate relationships with social media and tech. We then explore the pros and cons of this dimension of our lives and how it affects our mental health. We offer suggestions and clues regarding when stricter boundaries around social media and tech might be needed. Lastly, we offer tips and tricks to help us keep our social media and technology usage in check.

Do Try This At Home:

• Set time limits for your social media usage (use an actual timer to alert you!).
• Ask yourself, “What do I need a limit around? What do I want to foster more of?”
• Turn off notifications and put your phone on “do not disturb” regularly. 
• Have regular conversations with your kids about appropriate technology use – where are they using technology and where is technology “using them?”

Resources:
Tawwab, Nedra Glover. Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself. New York: TarcherPerigee, an imprint of Penguin Random House, LLC, 2021.

Settle in and pop on your oxygen mask, as today’s episode is all about taking care of yourself. The Inspiration from the Couch ladies walk you through it all: what is self-care, why it’s important, and what gets in the way. Instead of adding more self-care “tasks” to your to-do list, we frame our discussion as giving yourself permission to prioritize yourself. We walk you through our top 5 permission slips: 

1. Permission to Say No
2. Permission to Ask for Help
3. Permission to Hit the Easy Button
4. Permission to Slow Down, Rest, and Savor
5. Permission to be Kind to Yourself

Do Try This at Home:

• Pick the one permission slip that you need the most and make yourself a bona fide, actual, paper permission slip that you post somewhere in your house (if you don’t want to make your own, you can download ours for our website!)
• Tag us on social media! #selfcare #permission #permissionforselfcare

Lucy, Jamie, and Avery dive into “vulnerability hangovers,” which is what we experience after putting ourselves out in the world in some way (i.e., after we are vulnerable!). We define the common symptoms, including exhaustion, shame, regret, turtle mode (desire to avoid, withdraw), distraction, overthinking, overanalyzing, tenderness, headache, and insecurity. We explore how this comes up in our clinical work, as well as in our own personal lives. Discussed factors that influence whether or not we have a vulnerability hangover, as well as individual differences in this experience. Lastly, we talk about how to tend to ourselves during these difficult moments. 

Do Try This at Home:

• Name the vulnerability hangover when it comes up. Put some words to it!
• Do things to get out of your head so you can feel more grounded in the moment. 
• Practice compassion and kindness towards yourself. Let all the feelings belong! 
• Anticipate when this might come up, and prepare for how you might take care of yourself. 

In this episode, Jamie, Avery, and Lucy talk about the concept of Beginner’s Mind. We briefly discuss the characteristics of having a beginner’s mind, as well as things that get in the way such as ego, being the expert, comparison-making, and habits. We share some of our most humbling experiences as beginners. We then talk about how a beginner's mind can be helpful in our daily lives and how “not having it all figured out” can create connection and closeness. We also share the importance of asking for help and having a sense of humor about being a beginner.

Do Try This at Home:

• Ask yourself how you can approach things with a beginner’s mindset.
• Try something new, especially with others who are also beginners.
• Take your time. Have a slow approach and drop your expectations.

Today, Jamie, Lucy, and Avery discuss the benefits of taking the easy way out. We talk about how we inadvertently make things more difficult for ourselves by over-analyzing, over-controlling, people-pleasing, over-planning, and simply forgetting that doing less is an option.  We also review strategies that have helped us to notice when we are falling into these habits and make different choices instead. 

Do try this at home:

• Create/choose a physical reminder to invite more ease into your daily life. Whether it’s an actual easy button, a post-it note on your computer, a background on your phone screen, or even a login or password that you have to type often – remind yourself that taking the easier way out is an option. 
• Make a shift in your mindset. Notice the ways that you show up in your life and the ways that you make things more difficult than they need to be. Ask yourself, “How can I let this be light and easy? or “How can I have less urgency? “
• Perfectionism gets in the way of taking the easy way out. Do an experiment: Put yourself in a situation where you don’t do something perfectly and see what happens.