Life is chock full of what-if's, ain't it? What if Tapan was the worst doctor in America? What if Mike was also a terrible doctor? What if two really bad doctors teamed up to hurt people? They'd probably need some legal representation, right? Don't worry, in this episode we think of everything. Yep, we power through time and oodles of suburban green space to bring you a hot episode full of cold doc punches, ethical judges, and avocado sunscreen.

Pairings: a book; a rival fireworks gang; a sidewalk frosty

Here at Russian Long-Term, we pride ourselves on scaring you deeply. Whether it's our never-ending labyrinth of hallways, our dead-eyed customer service, or the creeping dread that follows you everywhere you go, it's our mission to make you feel like you're in a real David Lynch movie and can never escape. While you're here, you’ll enjoy a range of middling entertainment options, including: Mike leaving the "key" in "whiskey" in a stranger's car; Josh swordfighting with fluorescent lightbulbs, and Tapan's mom totally crushing everyone else.

Pairings: Aviators and attitude; money, so people like you; some more birds for Josh to kill

When you really think about it, the relationship between Dr. Frankenstein and his monster is, like, some sort of metaphor. It's def. fraught with this weird kind of loneliness that's v. existential, when you think about it. In conclusion, what Dr. Frankenstein really wanted out of this whole thing was *fatherhood*. And we get it! Being a dad seems cool: you get to have catches all the time, sometimes your kids grow up to write very short and excellent poems, and other times they grow up to murder your wife. Either way, this week we're celebrating all the Instead Of dads out there, big and small. Whether you're the dad of a human child or an inanimate object like a TV, we love you, Dad.

Pairings: anti-depression flowers; a disposable friend; a poem even more powerful than the many guns contained within

We have a little saying around the Instead Of offices, and it goes something like this: "An ounce of butt-hurt prevention is worth a pound of butt-hurt cure." We're always saying that, and you know why? Because it's true. When it comes to protecting your butt, we here at Instead Of HQ take a back seat. In a good way! Whether Josh is going straight for our bottoms with his hand, or someone is throwing ice cream at our bottoms, or we smash our bottoms on sharp objects, we always give our bottoms top priority. That's why we're consistently recognized for having the cleanest, least damaged butts in podcasting. You heard it here first.

Pairings: low eeexpecatations; ice cream, but cold; someone to mourn your grievous death

If you could go back and evacuate Pompeii before Mount Vesuvius buried it in thousands of tons of molten rock and ash... would you? If so, we'd appreciate it if you could look around for the remnants of the first episode we recorded this week—an episode, much like Pompeii, now lost to history. Never fear! Like three phoenixes who are also friends, your hosts rise from the ashes of Episode 102a and get down to some serious science business in Episode 102b, in which: we combine ducks and electromagnets to get... ducks with electromagnets on them; Tapan, much like Odysseus of old, loses his wallet and has to go find it; and Josh limousines his way to a donut baller.

Pairings: the inestimable gravity of all your childhood memories and experiences wrapped up into one stuffed animal; a longer school day with more punishment; teammates who yell at you

This week, on "Grime & Gruft: New Orleans," Josh finds his new elevator family in Southern Eastern America, Mike plays God's manager, and Tapan, much like his spirit Pokemon Metapod, hardens his thick outer shell. Stay tuned through the end of the episode for some bonus lagniappe content!

Pairings: a threatening toothbrush; your back, but with a spike on it; legs, previously

This is it, folks. This is the big one. It's episode 100, and we're celebrating the culmination of nearly two years of buds, sweat, and tears with nothing other than a CUSTOM INSTEAD OF GAME SHOW! That's right, we even have buzzers. Play along with us as we hit all the classic game show tropes you know and love, including: sadly becoming orphans, marrying each other, and oodles and oodles of whoopee talk.

Pairings: a chill Thanos; more tuba; sincere gratitude

We’re makin’ the dunes safe for you and me,

From the former beach to the former sea,

We’re the Sand Patrol and we’re here to say,

Follow the rules and it’ll be okay!

No one’s gonna get purged tonight,

The Tremors worms won’t eat you.

The Sand Patrol will keep you safe,

And, Hell, we’ll even greet you!

That’s right, in this one we make a show where it’s lifeguards but for sand. Later on, Josh starts a brawl in a pizzeria, Mike introduces PTSD for health, and Tapan stomps all over Josh’s still-beating heart.

Pairings: enough pepperoni; a nice, red berry; 10% of all your money

In this one, we win a lot of money and have a great time at the beautiful Tulalip Resort Casino, just off I-5 in scenic Tulalip, WA. Later on, Mike rides a short horse to a long camel fight, Josh dives fist first into a bowl of ramen, and Tapan Poochies out of the episode when you least expect it, never to return.

Ssssshh! Take our hands, dear listeners, as we guide you on a tour of the deepest recesses of our powder-addled minds. Oh, the places we'll go: we'll walk along magnificent concrete beaches, we'll fly in really slow planes, we'll go straight to the hospital for liking motorcycles too much. A few ground rules before we embark on Episode 97: 1). no snitching 2). no speeding 3). the music has *always* been within you. Oh, and one last thing: please do keep quiet—we mustn't disturb the floes.

Pairings: a really long stick; tissues made of hair; a key ring