John Williams

Last year we launched the inaugural Best Speed Jokes Tournament, sponsored by Team Hochberg, with more than 10,000 votes casted as 16 of John Williams’ favorite jokes faced off. This year, the Best Speed Jokes Tournament returns with 2024’s best 16 Speed Jokes, as selected by John, Pete Zimmerman and Speed Jokes expert and WGN Radio listener Marge Sipla – and your chance to win a coveted Speed Jokes mug!

Graphic by Michael Piff / WGN Radio. Speed Jokes logo art by David Lee Csicsko

[UPDATED]

WGN Radio listeners voted for their favorite jokes to advance round-by-round, from January 13th to January 17th. Below are the results from each round after voting.

By voting, you registered for a chance to win a coveted Speed Jokes mug. A random winner will be selected as we announce the Best Speed Jokes of 2024 Champion.

Guy sees a sign outside a house that reads, “Talking Dog for Sale.” He goes in and says to the dog, “What have you done with your life?” And the dog says, “Well, I’ve had a very full life. I lived in the Alps and rescued avalanche victims, I served my country in the war, and now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.” And the guys is flabbergasted. He says to the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you wanna get rid of an incredible dog like this?” And the owner says, “Because he’s a liar. He never did any of those things.”

So I was trying on a pair of shoes, and I said to the salesperson, “These are a little too tight.” And then she told me to try it with the tongue out, so I said “It’s no good. It’s still too tight.” (say last line with your tongue out)

Spring is here! Spring is here! I’m so excited, I wet my plants.

“John, can you describe yourself in three words?”
“Yes. Lazy.”

“I met a microbiologist yesterday.“
“Yeah?“
“She was much bigger than I thought.“

“Oxygen and Potassium went on a date last night.“
“How’d it go?“
“Okay, but then oxygen hooked up with Magnesium and I was like O-Mg!“

A Frenchman walks into a café with a parrot on his shoulder. Guy in a café says, “Where’d you get that thing?” The parrot says, “In France. They’ve got a million of them.”

Two hotdogs get married. It’s their wedding night and one hotdog turns to the other and says, “Are we gonna use a condiment?”

Why aren’t dogs permitted in bars? Because they can’t control their licker.

A bunch of chess pieces are in a van going down the road. The knight piece is driving erratically. The cop pulls him over and says, “Step outside and walk a straight line.” And the knight’s like, “Uh oh.”

I went skydiving for the first time yesterday. The guy strapped himself to me. We jumped out of the plane and as we were falling to earth, he yelled, “So how long have you been an instructor?”

Three skunks are walking down a street together when they come to an intersection.
Skunk #1 says, “My instincts tell me to go left.”
Skunk #2 says, “My instincts tell me to go right.”
Skunk #3 says, “Hey, my end stinks too, but it doesn’t talk to me.”

Guy walks into a bar and hears, “You look great! Have you lost weight?” He looks around and no one’s there. A minute later, he hears, “Hey handsome, you don’t look a day over 30.” He sees no one. Bartender comes over and says, “It’s the peanuts. They’re complimentary.”

I’ll bet the YMCA dance is a lot harder to do in Chinese

I think I’ve put on some weight lately. When I butt dial, it’s now a conference call.

A pirate walks into a bar with a big ship’s wheel down his pants. The bartender says, “Excuse me, sir. Do you know you’ve got a big ship’s wheel down your pants?” The pirate says, “Aargh, it’s driving me nuts.”

TUNE IN to the John Williams Show to hear more about the Best Speed Jokes of 2024 Tournament, and new Speed Jokes Monday through Friday from 10 AM to 2 PM.

Craig Bolanos, Founder and Wealth Advisor at VestGen Wealth Partners, joins John Williams to talk about why today’s terrific labor report is bad for the market today, what this means for a long-term investor, how the Fed will react to this data, how many rate hikes he expects next year, his thoughts on cryptocurrency, and the hot areas to invest in right now.

Andrew Van Dam, columnist at the Department of Data, The Washington Post, joins John Williams to tell us what the data reveals about the breakdown of household chores between men and women. John also takes your calls and text about the division of household chores.

Enjoy this edition of “The Best of Speed Jokes.” What was your favorite joke of the week? Keep sending your jokes to [email protected]!

Author and registered dietician nutritionist Dawn Jackson Blatner joins John Williams to talk about the FDA approving a new definition of ‘healthy,’ and new research about coffee consumption. And as always, Dawn answers all of your health and nutrition questions.

Ray Long, the great investigative reporter at the Chicago Tribune, joins John Williams to give us all the details on the last couple days of the Mike Madigan corruption trial when Madigan took the stand in his defense.

John Williams brings you another round of Speed Jokes. Keep sending yours to [email protected].

The Mincing Rascals this week are John Williams of WGN Radio, Eric Zorn, Publisher of The Picayune Sentinel, Austin Berg of the Illinois Policy Institute, political pundit Marj Halperin, and longtime Chicago journalist Cate Plys! This week the Rascals start the podcast talking about the seamless certification of the 2024 election. Wasn’t it nice to not have an insurrection this time around? On to the Mike Madigan corruption trial. This week, Madigan to took the stand in his own defense. What do the Rascals think of Madigan taking the stand? President-elect Donald Trump said this week that he wouldn’t rule out using force to acquire Greenland. Do the Rascals think that this is just Trump being Trump? Or is this something we need to be paying attention to? A Pulitzer Prize-winning cartoonist for The Washington Post resigned after the newspaper’s opinions section rejected a cartoon depicting The Post’s owner, Jeff Bezos, genuflecting toward a statue of President-elect Donald J. Trump. Do the Rascals believe this is censorship? Cate thinks the cartoon was lousy and should have been rejected on merit alone. Also, Meta announced that they will phase out their fact-checking program. Do the Rascals believe this is a good idea? And finally, it’s time for Rascals Recommendations! What are the Rascals watching and reading?

Mortgage and real estate expert David Hochberg joins John Williams to talk about the ban on the inclusion of medical debt in credit scoring, and why mortgage interest rates are at a level not seen since 2001.

David hosts “Home Sweet Home Chicago” on Saturdays from 10am to 1pm on WGN Radio. You can call him at 855-56-David, or check out the Team Hochberg website.

Austin Berg, Vice President of Marketing, Illinois Policy Institute, joins John Williams to talk about former Speaker of the House Michael Madigan testifying in his corruption trial. Austin was ‘shocked’ that Madigan took the stand. Austin gives us some of the other key takeaways from Madigan’s first and second day on the stand.