Now that 2025 is officially in the books, John Williams wants you to decide which Speed Joke was the best one of the year!
In the past, we have identified the Best Speed Jokes of 2024 and 2023 in WGN Radio Tournament fashion. This year, we’re making it easier by having you vote for your favorite in our Best Speed Jokes of 2025 Listener Poll.
12 speed jokes were chosen as WGN Radio listener/Speed Jokes expert Marge Sipla’s favorites from each month, and John added 4 more to make it 16 total. Voting will begin Monday, January 12th at 10 AM. On Wednesday, January 14th, listeners will then vote on the Top 4 vote-getters. A champion will be crowned after the poll closes Friday, January 16th, at 10 AM.
[UPDATE] After more than 3,000 votes since Monday, January 12th, the winner of John Williams’ Best Speed Jokes of 2025 Listener Poll is…
Man went to an ice cream shop. Took him a few minutes to walk over to the counter as he groaned getting up on the stool and ordered a hot fudge sundae. The server said, “Crushed nuts?” and he said, “No. Bad knees.”
https://serve.castfire.com/audio/7906305/7906305_2026-01-09-140405.64kmono.mp3
And now a note from John Williams…
Ala…We have a winner! In fact, we had many. And now that the final votes were cast and tabulated, we are happy to announce that the Joke of 2025 was sent from Floyd in Crown Point, the Crushed Nuts! Thank you all for listening and laughing and SENDING in those jokes. We are closing in on 6 years of fun and there are still some pretty good laughs out there. Keep them coming!
Thank you for your attention to this matter, John Williams, President, WGN Radio Speed Jokes Submission Committee
Thank you for voting! You can read and listen to each one of the 16 Best Speed Jokes of 2025 below.
January
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest due to an ancient belief that there would be infinite water slides in the afterlife.https://serve.castfire.com/audio/7905257/7905257_2026-01-08-224857.64kmono.mp3
February
McDonald’s is going to sell hot dogs in 2 sizes this year, but I’m only going to get the small one because I don’t wanna say “Can you super size my McWeiner?”https://serve.castfire.com/audio/7906182/7906182_2026-01-09-133622.64kmono.mp3
March
Last night we had Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner. It’s like regular rabbit stew except this one we found “him a layin” on the road.https://serve.castfire.com/audio/7906191/7906191_2026-01-09-134431.64kmono.mp3
April
How do you make an Italian wine? You squeeze his grapes.https://serve.castfire.com/audio/7906201/7906201_2026-01-09-135401.64kmono.mp3
May
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.https://serve.castfire.com/audio/7906243/7906243_2026-01-09-140143.64kmono.mp3
My dentist said I need a crown. And I was like, I know, right?https://serve.castfire.com/audio/7906250/7906250_2026-01-09-143850.64kmono.mp3
The funeral of the Tupperware inventor has been postponed because they can’t find the lid that fits his coffin. The funeral director says it’s around here somewhere.https://serve.castfire.com/audio/7906260/7906260_2026-01-09-141500.64kmono.mp3
June
Hey waiter! My soup is cold! It’s gazpacho. Oh, Ok. Hey Gazpacho, my soup is cold.https://serve.castfire.com/audio/7906264/7906264_2026-01-09-142004.64kmono.mp3
July
I’m real excited about the amateur autopsy club I joined. Monday is “open mic” night.https://serve.castfire.com/audio/7906275/7906275_2026-01-09-144615.64kmono.mp3
The Pillsbury Dough Boy was serving some cake and when he bent over, I saw his “dough nuts.”https://serve.castfire.com/audio/7906287/7906287_2026-01-09-143027.64kmono.mp3
August
Man went to an ice cream shop. Took him a few minutes to walk over to the counter as he groaned getting up on the stool and ordered a hot fudge sundae. The server said, “Crushed nuts?” and he said, “No. Bad knees.”https://serve.castfire.com/audio/7906305/7906305_2026-01-09-140405.64kmono.mp3
September
80 year old Bessie storms into the rec room at the retirement home, fist raised high and she says, “All right fellas. Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand gets to sleep with me tonight.” And from the back, old Earl shouts, “An elephant.” Bessie grins and says, “Close enough!”https://serve.castfire.com/audio/7906307/7906307_2026-01-09-141107.64kmono.mp3
October
Giraffe walks into a bar and says, “High balls on me!”https://serve.castfire.com/audio/7906323/7906323_2026-01-09-145523.64kmono.mp3
One difference between men and women is that a woman uses 30,000 words a day to a man’s 15,000. And the wife said, “That’s because we have to repeat everything to you men.” The husband turns to his wife and says, “What?”https://serve.castfire.com/audio/7906327/7906327_2026-01-09-141527.64kmono.mp3
November
There’s a guy at a funeral. He interrupts the priest and says, “Excuse me. Do you have the Wi-Fi password?” And the priest says, “Good God, man. Have some decency. This is your mother’s funeral.” And the guy says, “Is that all lower case?”https://serve.castfire.com/audio/7906331/7906331_2026-01-09-142831.64kmono.mp3
December
Snowman talking to another snowman: Hey, do you smell carrots?”https://serve.castfire.com/audio/7906335/7906335_2026-01-09-140535.64kmono.mp3
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