David Waldman delivers the Tuesday KITM and pizza… No, he thought you were bringing the pizza!

Remember the good old days, when ducks didn’t wear pants, unless they were female, so they had a bow and no one asked questions and everything was great?  Ron DeSantis does, or at least he mandates that from now on that everyone will pretend that is the case. Anti-mandates and anti-cancel culture are so yesterday for Republicans! Why even anti-CRT is beginning to feel a bit passé once they felt the warmth of their new dirty word, “grooming” pass over their lips. Marjorie Traitor Greene got overly excited and called all Democrats and many Republicans pro-pedophiles. Tennessee figured out how to eliminate pedophilia the old-fashioned way. Florida’s solution to Black voting was deplorable enough to finally catch a Federal judge’s attention.

No state cares less about any Constitution than Ohio. Facing contempt charges for violating their Constitution, state Republicans explain their job is only to stamp “approved” on whatever redistricting map was in their in-box.

Ohio’s redistricting maps were “complete” like Trump’s phone logs are “complete”, in that’s about as complete as they want to make them. There’s no missing information as far as Trump staff are concerned, because they did not intend to supply the information in the first place. 

Joan McCarter reports that Ketanji Brown Jackson is almost a Supreme Court justice, in spite of Republican efforts, which will turn into a full blockade if they get the power. That doesn’t mean they aren’t furiously rowing backwards on everything already. Republican-in-everything-but-name-only Joe Manchin doesn’t remember what approving a bill is like anymore. Joe Manchin will show everyone what real inflation is, right before the election.

David Waldman and Greg Dworkin are together again for a new KITM! That’s the good news today. The rest, well...

At Donald Trump’s latest Big Lie Jamboree, Michigan congresswoman Lisa McClain got to bring her lie game up to the podium, telling the crowd about how Donald caught Bin Ladin. Yes, Lisa McClain is an actual member of Congress, and not a Cecily Strong character, yet. Whatever can be said at a MAGA rally, the crowd will always be at least two lies ahead. The infrastructure to support such delusion is daunting and requires a steady feed of lies. Removing viewers from the Fox News teat for only a month tends to wean them for good. CBS hired Trump flunky Mick Mulvaney for access to just that kind of viewer.

Americans strongly disapprove of how the GQP treated Ketanji Brown Jackson. That doesn’t trouble Republicans, nor will it alter their plans. Just wait until there’s a replacement that alters the balance of the rigging they already put into place and see how they behave. In Ohio, land of bad haircuts and worse ethics, Secretary of State Frank LaRose certainly wouldn’t mind it if the Ohio Supreme Court Chief were to be impeached for following the Ohio Constitution. His legislature flushed their constitution a couple of decades ago.

By the way, the Jan. 6 committee is now wondering if a criminal referral for Donald Trump would really be necessary, considering how they are a little behind in stuff and all. Donald Trump will continue being a criminal, probably for the rest of all of our lifetimes.

Donald Trump has no reason to believe that lies and bluffs wouldn’t carry him forever. Neither did Vladimir Putin, until very recently. At that point, putting up and shutting up became equally bad choices so Vlad picked the one that might potentially kill him last.

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This morning, David Waldman was late packing school lunches and just hadn’t the time for fooling around. If you are in the mood for that kind of stuff, you can check out our KITM Eastern Orthodox April Fool's Day Special, tomorrow…

David looks back at the Ukraine Aid Freeze of 2019, because it was withheld in the never-ending pursuit of dirt, has always been lied about, and will be lied about in the future.

Newly elected Lauren Boebert was already an insurrectionist VIP on January 6, with a seat at the insurrectionist planning committee, right behind Mr. Pillow! Lauren didn’t crash the party though; Boebert earned her seat leading insurrectionist tours the day before.

Horse paste does not cure COVID-19. Most who take it are idiots. Idiots do remain Republicans’ most important constituency, however, so the sacred right to brush your teeth with the stuff will never be infringed upon. An anti-masker in Pennsylvania did her research, not on masks but on arcane local procedural provisions, to oust 5 out of 9 of her school board members. Conservatives now embrace QAnon's "liberals are pedophiles", and “great replacement” doctrines, even taking Disney flat-footed.

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Kick in some money and you’d be amazed at what we at KITM can do.

David Waldman reads viewer mail, in which we hear Greg Dworkin’s dog Abby is more than just a doorbell: she’s 50% pointer, 50% retriever, and 100% attractive to skunks. David explains Nike swooshes, French pop music, how some Steve Millers are better than others, and why our loving wives keep pointing us toward more lucrative careers, like perhaps, Walmart greeters. 

We discover little about the Five Brothers Waldman, other than Paul Waldman may not be one. Paul, however, gives us a heads up on the QAnon buzzword/Republican dog whistle “groomer”, which will spread like wildfire when your aunt thinks she learned a new dirty word. Madison Cawthorn did break the first rule of Republican Sex Cult, which in turn got him called to Kevin McCarthy’s office… and not just for hookers and blow either. Primaries are the bus Republicans are most often thrown under.

Mick Mulvaney must still be invited to the parties, because that is exactly the advantage CBS sees in him. Some at CBS just don’t get the benefit of access journalism though.

The DOJ is expanding its January 6 probe to include the insurrection rally. It looks like a few of Donald Trump’s phone calls fell off of the White House log. Trump is in so much trouble that the only person he can turn to is… Vladimir Putin. Vlad has enough problems at the moment, however. His Russian army can’t capture a town twenty miles away. They’re using tree branches and carpet remnants for camouflage and are slapping together ISIS-level hardware to fight. Most of their soldiers there don’t know why they are there, and thousands more are being shanghaied to join them. Meanwhile, Putin’s right wing want him to up the viciousness.

Renault is divesting from AvtoVAZ, which will take Russia another step closer to Borat levels. The people and businesses in Germany are cutting back in order to give Russia a little less. Russia has wanted out of talks with Japan over the Kuril Islands since WWII, and figured this time is as good as any to slide out.

Joe Rogan might not be the medical expert many hoped for, as Ivermectin is shown to be ineffective on Covid.

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Wake up with David Waldman and the KITM Morning Zoo (Greg Dworkin) for another Wacky Wednesday!

Susan Collins found a way to sound very seriously concerned while still voting yes on Ketanji Brown Jackson, so that’s “bipartisanship” off the to-do list.

There appears to be a new urgency about a Covid preparedness funding bill as it dawns on people that there’s still Covid to be prepared for. You can be tired and burned out about the pandemic, but you just can’t quit it like your job.

Donald Trump is always on the phone, it’s just sometimes not his phone. When Trump said he didn’t know what “a burner phone” was, he was probably lying, but then again Donald Trump knows the actual meaning of very few words. However, if you want to know what Trump was “thinking”, read Ginni Thomas’ text messages and you won’t be far off. 

Sovereign citizens all think they’re Donald Trump, except they’re also anti-vaxxers as well, which is a awful combination.

The New York attorney general says there’s significant evidence that the Trump Organization misstated asset values for more than a decade, which sounds almost criminal.

Donald asked Vladimir Putin to assist with regime change in the US, when Vlad has some downtime. A former congressman and a lobbyist look for work in Belarus, a country aligned with Russia, of course... all except for the Belarusians, of course, who hate Russia almost as much as Russians. If Russia isn’t that big of a deal, why do we spend so much time and money worrying about them? The UK also sees the need to reconsider their defense budget, for when a keyboard might do as much as tank.

The Walt Disney Company doesn’t like Florida’s Don’t Say Gay bill, and Ron DeSantis says disagreeing with him crosses the line, so now it’s war.

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What would Tuesdays be without David Waldman and Joan McCarter? One can assume they’d be Tuesdays still, but not as pleasant.

Clank! Into the hole! People actually witnessed Donald Trump achieve, probably for the first time in his life.  We still await Trump’s long-awaited pivot to chain gang.  A federal judge found that it’s “more likely than not” that Trump committed a few crimes while attempting to overthrow the government. Probably more than a few crimes. If only the White House phone records handed over to the House select committee didn’t have that gap of seven hours and 37 minutes right over the insurrection! That gap might be explained by all of the burner phones, bought with cash, by January 6 organizers... Donald doesn’t understand, what are these “burner” phones you speak of… and what about Hunter? Plenty of evidence is being provided by that reverse Martha Michell, Ginni Thomas and her texts with Mark Meadows. Clarence Thomas should… or he could… but he won’t. Trump’s estranged lover Mike Pence will never come out, as neither will the still firmly-lodged Ted Cruz. Mick Mulvaney follows the money over to CBS.

Sanctioned oligarch Roman Abramovich tried to patch up things between Ukraine and Russia. It seems that somebody wasn’t all for him doing that, and since the meeting wasn’t near a 5th story window, somebody had to go with plan B.

Meanwhile, President Joe Biden released his 2023 budget after he ran it past his boss, West Virginia Oligarch, Dirty-Coal Baron, Joe Manchin. Joe was a Carpet King once upon a time, one of the little people before he discovered what lazy drug addicts they all were. But now that Manchin maybe might vote for Ketanji Brown Jackson, you can keep this great Senator’s name out your mouth. There’s plenty waiting to screw things up if Manchin isn’t available, anyways.

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They hired three women to host the Oscars last night. Sure, it saved them money up front, but you know how women and their emotions can get out of control… Oh, so it was Will Smith celebrity-slapping Chris Rock? Well, that’s reasonable.

You’ll never hear David Waldman or Greg Dworkin dissing someone’s spouse... Except for Ginni Thomas. Her spouse, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, can no longer carry out his duties and absolutely should resign. This is because Clarence Thomas is married to a deeply corrupted and intellectually flawed insurrectionist. Ginni’s a QAnon loon, for a lot longer than there has been a QAnon.

Love will make you do crazy things.  In 2016 Ted Cruz left his wife for Donald Trump and never looked back. Now Ted’s under investigation for plotting with Donald to seize control of the country in 2020. Trump’s former lover, Mike Pence, just couldn’t carry out his half of John Eastman’s plan to make it happen, however.

Lately, Donald Trump has been out barking at smaller carnies and kindling smaller romances.

Meanwhile, President Joe Biden made the most important speech this century and the press didn’t bother listening until the last sentence. Biden’s facts don’t care about Putin’s feelings. The Supreme Court voted 3-5 to take command of the United States armed forces. They didn’t, but there is no reason why they can’t. Finger pointing will ensue.

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David Waldman delivers an “ALL-NEW!” KITM today, with all-new rabbit holes to explore!

We return to the Antigonish-ish story of Hunter Biden’s laptop. The closer you look, the less there is, but it’s the New York Times, so it must still be “a story”, right?

Is anyone dumb enough to believe that anyone is dumb enough to believe Donald Trump’s big lie? Republicans believe good faith is for suckers, and finding suckers for their lies makes them winners. Conversely, they see believing in widely held truth and facts as weak acquiescence. That is why there is no down side for Trump.

Lord Evgeny Lebedev didn’t lie big enough to hold his peerage in British parliament. In fact, Lebedev does nothing at all.

OTOH, Vladimir Putin has always been one of the hardest-working mobsters in Russia, but the Ukraine job might be his last.

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David Waldman and Greg Dworkin deliver our KITM booster today. Nobody turns those down.

Meanwhile, COVID cases are beginning to inch up again, so expect hospitalizations and deaths will follow. Also expect a comparable spike in misinformation and self-denial. The Clarence Thomas deathwatch health update is that Clarence enjoys his adjustable hospital bed so much that he’ll probably spend this weekend in it.

Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson doesn’t need to mold herself on anyone, but plenty do see a future role model for themselves in her. Tucker Carlson was disappointed that Judge Jackson didn’t sing us a song. Ben Sasse believes Ted Cruz is a jackass. Alan Dershowitz feels that Ted Cruz acted like a bigot. Ron Perlman agrees. Senator Patrick Leahy felt that Lindsey Graham’s behavior was an abrogation of everything the Senate should stand for. Cruz, Graham, Josh Hawley, and Tom Cotton got what they needed, which is not what they deserved. Laura Ingraham says Senators have a sacred duty to not confirm judges that she dislikes.

Russia had one of their ships sunk off the coast of Ukraine, and a couple others were picked off near Cannes. Ukraine should employ more walruses.  Meanwhile, President Joe Biden is in Europe talking with NATO allies. We already know what Estonia will have to say. Russian shelling killed a Russian journalist, Oksana Baulina. One of those shells might have had Baulina’s name on it.

Donald Trump threw Mo Brooks under the bus, but Mo hopes to take Donald under with him. Trump’s candidate for Michigan attorney general has everything a Trump Republican would require.

Prosecutor Mark Pomerantz resigned from investigating Donald Trump saying that he has no doubt Trump was guilty of numerous felonies. So now what?

Paul Manafort is up to no good, but he can’t do it in Dubai, as his passport’s been revoked. Alex Jones is in so much legal trouble that all he can do is anything to delay his inevitable end.

Before they employ even one more Black person, the Supreme Court cut down on Black people getting elected. Why? They don’t have to tell you why, but it might be because... they don’t have to tell you why, and what are you going to do about it?

Evangelicals figure that there is nothing a church could ever do for them that a gun can’t.

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David Waldman and Greg Dworkin deliver the latest communiques from the front, on wars here and abroad.

Russia is losing, especially when it comes to convincing anyone it’s not losing. The world now has to convince Russia to not take everyone down with them. Ukrainians slip into Russian’s DMs to invite them to surrender.

For a moment there, we weren’t talking about everything that popped into the QAnon hivemind, but then the Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson confirmation hearings began and all that ended. Josh Hawley yearned to see Ketanji’s reaction on a few porn stories he had heard but then forgot the punchline to the one Clarence Thomas used to tell. No matter what Republicans tried, Judge Jackson remained above it all.

We are still losing to COVID-19. We lost a million lives, and have had enough, which to some means surrender, and the welcoming of our virus overlords. The CDC couldn’t fight the war and please everyone at the same time.

The DC caravan of grievance will now makeover their trucks into posse-wagons and go out cruising to citizen arrest local police officers and the mayor.

Senator Mike Braun isn’t a big fan of either abortion rights or interracial marriage, especially when the federal government is, so he’d like do-overs in each state, so that Mike and like-minded Americans can go in and correct all of the mistakes the wrong people made.

Donald Trump didn’t fail Mo Brooks, Mo Brooks failed Donald Trump… Now Donald really has Mo problems.

Stacey Abrams, President of United Earth, is running for Governor of Georgia and hopes to turn Brian Kemp’s previous unconstitutional incumbency protection rigging against him. In Texas, a court is blocking investigations of parents providing gender care to their children. Mark Meadows will miss his wife when she goes to jail for voter fraud.