Life Check Yourself

Do you want to be a badass but can’t get out of your own way?

Do you want a different life but can’t seem to break on through to the other side?

Guest, Amy Ahlers, gives you the tools to be the fantastic, empowered woman you want to be.

Amy is the best selling author of Big Fat Lies Women Tell Themselves and Creator of Inner Mean Girl Reform School. Amy is a certified life coach, who has been in the business for 17 years, her podcast, Momma Truth is inspirational. Amy’s mission is to stop women from being hard on themselves and cultivate the courage to follow their inner wisdom.

Why Do Women Bully Themselves? [4:45]

Women are harder on themselves than anyone else is on them. The meanest girl is the voice inside our own heads. She is brutal as she compares your worst to everyone else's best, she demands perfection and tells you - you are too fat, skinny, tall, etc. Her volume needs to be turned down. 

At age 6 to 7, is when inner dialogue begins and when our inner mean girl is born.

You can not kill off your inner mean girl but you can turn down her volume!

The 13 Inner Mean Girl Archetypes [9:33]

There are 13 Inner Mean Girl archetypes. Not every inner mean girl is mean, some are very, very sneaky.

Is your Inner Mean Girl one of these?

The Comparison Queen

The Achievement Junkie

The Good Girl

The Rejection Queen

The Perfectionist

Find the 8 other Inner Mean Girl Archetypes in Amy’s book, Big Fat Lies Women Tell Themselves.

Draw and name your Inner Mean Girl.

How to Turn Down the Volume of Your Inner Mean Girl [25:36]

The goal of turning down your Inner Mean Girl’s voice is to find and nurture the voice of your inner wisdom.   

Play the Best Case/Worst Case Scenario Game:

1. a. Ask yourself, “What is the worst thing that can happen if I accept a date? How likely is it to happen?” then, “What's the best thing that can happen?” and “Is it worth the risk?”

   2.    The Wake Up Call 3-Step Process:

a. Ask yourself, “What is my inner mean girl saying?”

b. Close your eyes, take a deep breathe and ask your inner wisdom for guidance.

c. Repeat back your inner wisdom's truth while doing a physical gesture.

Your inner wisdom always tells you the truth.

Men Have Inner Meanies Too [34:36]

Men are hard on themselves too. They are just as nervous to go on a date as you are. The #1 things men are hard on themselves about is financial concerns. They don't want to be a loser.

Make a Connection:

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How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates - FREE

Take the Inner Mean Girl Quiz

Big Fat Lies Women Tell Themselves: Ditch Your Inner Critic and Wake Up Your Inner Superstar

Do your clothes look the way you feel? We should all be expressing our personal flair, even in a professional environment.

Christine Malsbury shares her amazing tips and tricks for expressing your personal identity through your clothes. And believe it or not, it’s all about the quality of the clothes, not the quantity.

Christine has spent decades on creative transformations and supporting individuals in institutions in their journey towards "authentic voice", style, beauty and productive systems. In 2015, she launched her Brazen Beauty Movement. Consulting with women on style and wardrobe transformation, professional business development, communication, image, and visibility strategies. She was a Professor at Vassar and her own clothing conundrum led her to create a Girl Boss Closet.

Your Clothes Should Match Your Personal Identity [8:47]

As a Ph.D., Christine felt she had to look a certain way but it stifled her essence. She says clothing is about personal identity but it’s also about belonging. There is a beauty-industry media complex in the US. Women are exposed to airbrushed beauty or the reaction to it which is ‘sweatpants’.  The middle ground had been obliterated from our national consciousness.

The essence of Christine’s Brazen Beauty Movement is that you can be awesome and smart and good at what you do and be pretty, it's all okay. She felt like she couldn't be beautiful and be smart at the same time. She had compounding messages around what women's beauty should be.

Quality Over Quantity [17:56]

What we wear is a careful dance between fully and authentically expressing who we are and expressing to people strategically what we want them to understand about us.

On a date, a woman should feel really good in her clothes. A woman should wear something that makes her feel her best.

Buying higher quality pieces and not tons and tons of clothes. The quality is something that gets communicated right away and the price per item goes down the more you wear it.

When hiring someone Christine asks herself “ Do they have the visual principals I need in a person?”

The Capsule Wardrobe Concept [24:28]

The Capsule Concept was popularized by a couple of bloggers who looked at trends from the 70’s. It's taking off in a big way now. The Capsule forces a woman to clarify her style. And to make thoughtful mindful choices.

The societal implications of the capsule wardrobe are that it helps you express your beauty and it can be an anti-consumerist stance.

Brazen Beauty Tips and Tricks [35:37]

1. Feel good in your clothes.

2. Pick one feature to accentuate.

3. Wear color.

Coco Chanel said to put on all of your jewelry and just before you leave the house, remove one item. 

Make a Connection:

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Get a Free Coaching Session with Marni on Our Podcast - Sign up Here to Be a Guest On Our Show

Join Our Free Dating with Dignity Facebook Group Here!

How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates - FREE

The Brazen Beauty Movement on Facebook

One in three women were sexually abused as children.

And, as a result, your relationships (or lack thereof) as well as any chronic illness are directly impacted by childhood traumas.

My guest, Dr. Meg Haworth Ph.D. has survived sexual abuse, drowning and being struck by lightning. She healed over a dozen illnesses including fibromyalgia. As Founder of Lightning Women, she helps women to overcome the wounds of sexual, physical and emotional abuse and chronic illnesses.  

During the early days of trying to heal herself, Dr. Meg realized her emotions were stuck in her body and part of her was still in the trauma. She tried meditation, yoga, and retreats and while she made progress she still didn’t have the outcome she wanted. It wasn't until she engaged in transpersonal psychology (healing by way of the energy system spirit or soul). that she got through and decides to help others get through too.

Why Can’t We Just Get Over Abuse? [7:24]

It's hard to access the loving part of yourself when you are sick all the time. We find ourselves spinning in the emotional stuff.  And even if you have been in therapy, traditional psychology focuses on the mental and emotional but you stay in your story. You stay a slave to the unconscious parts of the story which are secrets held within the emotions.

The experience of being abused as a child is a psychic shock which causes us to become dissociative. We are not associating with our physical reality because we disconnect from it.  We are aware that the sexual part of us is a life-giving force. It's a sacred part of us and when that gets violated in a violent manner by a person in authority or who is supposed to be caring for us it creates a deep trauma.  

Moving Towards Healthy, Intimate Relationships [11:14]

Female Sexual abuse victims tend to push a man away in an instinctual way. We are afraid to go deep into love so we go for emotionally unavailable men. We create a keep love out, keep love away system. It creates a very confusing reality.

A female adult sexual abuse survivor often tries to please a man and often they put his desires first.

Dr. Meg says to start by defining what you need for yourself. It is ultimately your relationship with yourself that helps you get the relationship you want with someone else.

Tell men not to treat you with kid gloves. It only reinforces the belief that you are damaged goods.

Dating with Dignity [16:57]

Women are confused about what they want and what is acceptable. A pushy guy can trigger a sexual abuse survivor, and that’s not the kind of guy they want to be with.

To find a healthy man, a man that is truly interested in you, make sexual non-negotiables for yourself. Be thoughtful about how you show up on a date.

Healing Through Whole Person Integration  [22:04]

There is a link between chronic illness, childhood abuse, and family dysfunction. If you lived with your abuser as a child you were in a fight, flight or freeze mode all the time. Your body was constantly secreting the hormones adrenaline and cortisol. The build-up in the system becomes very toxic. The immune system becomes weak.

Emotions go through every cell of your body. Holding onto shame or secrets can lead to cancer or autoimmune disorders.

To heal women need to adopt a new and different belief system, a complete mindset shift and an energy exchange.

Heal yourself with love.  

Make a Connection:

Dating with Dignity Website

Relationship Coaching with Marni

How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates - FREE

Dating with Dignity on Facebook

@MarniBattista on Twitter

#DatingDen on Twitter

Dr. Meg Haworth

Would you love to pop open your ability to earn more money? Whether you are struggling with financial security or feel like you are already on the top of your game, your money making mindset may be impacting your ability to connect with the high-quality man you want to have in your life.

My guest, the brilliant, awe-inspiring Julie Steelman earned her way out of the corporate world with a new style of feminine earning power known as Feminine Financial Intelligence (FFI). She is also the Creator of the Innovative Income Amplification System, Author of The Effortless Yes and has her Master’s in Spiritual Psychology.

Why Women Are Struggling with Having More Money [4:16]

Everything is changing. From natural disasters to the recent political challenges, we are standing toe to toe with evolution as structures and stories of the past are starting to crumble. Women are no longer willing to put up with certain things. Mother Nature is saying enough already! This is the time to develop a feminine empowered way to be with money. Chasing money doesn’t align with our feminine code.  Instead, of chasing money, we need to harvest and cherish it.

How Can Women Access Their Power and Be in Flow? [9:49]

Women often accept less and it can impact their earning power.  We may consciously believe ourselves to be the “less than” species or we need to people please to get what we know we deserve.

It’s time for women to shift their Feminine Financial Intelligence. When you know your inherent value and you are willing to express it in relation to other people, you stay in the flow of your femininity.

There are 3 areas of Feminine Financial Intelligence:

1. How we are in relationship to ourselves.
2. What is our relationship to the universe?
3. How we can express ourselves in an empowered way.

Don't compromise your value system.

Having Boundaries Without Being a Bitch [18:33]

Julie says a woman should stop treating people like they have leverage over her. Ask for something and put it in the context of what does the other person want. Helping someone else while helping yourself.

Women should see money and their career as a sacred resource to be harvested and cherished. You will hit a financial glass ceiling if you let money define your worth. To move past it, get in your flow & work with your energy, not against it.

Are Men Intimidated By You? [26:33]

Don’t chase money! It will compromise and minimize your impact. If you do, you will emasculate a man.  If you think you don't need a man because you have it all, it shows. If men are intimidated by it you may not have the right man for you.

Be willing to receive. Breathe deep into the seat of the feminine power center. You will get an intuitive energetic response.  

We may not need men for money but we can still use them for love.

Make a Connection:

Dating with Dignity Website

Relationship Coaching with Marni

How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates - FREE

Dating with Dignity on Facebook

@MarniBattista on Twitter

#DatingDen on Twitter 

Julie's Website  

Change Your Financial Destiny

Life Happens! 

We can’t always plan the major changes in our lives. When something happens and we are called upon to become a caregiver for someone else, be it a child, spouse or parent it is so important we continue to take care of ourselves.  

I brought on David and Tamara Dachinger to share their experience of what Cancer and Lyme disease brought into their lives. They are the Co-Founders of Loving Meditations and they are dedicated to bringing calm to cancer. 

Their Loving Meditations App is the only app specifically designed to help cancer patients, survivors and caregivers by assisting them with their daily meditative practices. 

Don't Let Caregiving Take Over Your Life [2:56]

It's important to declare to yourself that you are going to take care of yourself when you are caring for someone else and continue to perform your own self-care rituals. 

Tamara's son was diagnosed with Lyme disease & her husband discovered he had Stage 4 Cancer all at the same time. Tamara had a meditative practice she could continue to help her cope with the added stressors in her life. 

David and Tamara’s book, Live Calm with Cancer and Beyond,  describes the power of a mindfulness and meditation practice and how easy it is to start one. 

Why a Meditation Practice Helps the Caregiver and the Patient [9:18]

David says Tamara was able to show up 1000% for him because she was taking care of herself. Plus, her normal energy levels could support David through the drama and negativity of his illness. 

It’s important to adopt a calming practice now so that when you do encounter one of life’s shitstorms you have a resource you can rely on. A practice develops a foundation of mindfulness. This practice doesn’t only apply to illnesses it can also apply to divorce, struggles, etc. 

Two Practices You Can Start Today: 

● Gratitude walks pair a somatic practice with a cognitive experience to help you make a shift. 

● Isolating an object and describing it fully is an instant calming, presence technique you can do anywhere. 

How to Measure the Effectiveness of Your Meditation Practice [25:41]

Meditation has an accumulative effect. If you are using calming tools the people for whom you are caring will pick up on it. If you are at ease they will be at ease.

David says the complete role reversal was no fun for him. The transition from giver role to receiver role was a difficult transition. Getting over feeling guilty was a lesson for him. 

Don’t worry, there is no way to meditation or mindfulness wrong. 

Make a Connection:

Dating with Dignity Website

Relationship Coaching with Marni

How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates - FREE

Dating with Dignity on Facebook

@MarniBattista on Twitter

#DatingDen on Twitter 

Loving Meditation App 

Are you sick and tired of online dating? 

Does your online profile need a major overhaul?

Well, by the time this podcast is over you are going to be one badass online dating ninja. 

During the show, Nancy shares her online dating profile with me and I give her tips and some sure-fire ways to help her meet quality guys online. 

What Nancy Learned from Past Relationships [3:17]

Nancy’s past relationships haven't included guys who will make her a priority, fit into her non-negotiables (deal breakers) or who accept her boundaries. Nancy is a good example of a woman who learns from what doesn't work in relationships and then moves on to what she wants. 

Nancy's 5 Non-Negotiables:

● Family values

● Loyalty and honesty

● Integrity

● Fun and adventure 

● Being able to financially contribute to the relationship

Modifying Nancy’s Online Profile [7:04]

Changing the structure of your profile to put the attention-grabbing stuff first. You want to describe the guy who should be contacting you. “Here is what I picture our first date to be like, are you ready?” is an intriguing proposition.  Make your description like a job ad. If he meets the requirements then he gets a date. 

It’s important to be specific. Describe yourself with “I am the ....” and use “we are both …”. Fill in the blanks to attract your target market of available guys. 

Your online dating profile should paint a picture of how a guy will feel with you in his life. 

Other Tips That Pay Off [17:02]

● You should be engaging with the dating site for at least 20 minutes every day. 

● Get professional photos! Choose lifestyle photos that are hip and happening. fun, flirty and feminine.

● Consider guys that are a 70% compatibility match. 

● Go on one to two dates per week.

You are the common denominator. 

Make a Connection:

Dating with Dignity Website

Relationship Coaching with Marni

How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates - FREE

Dating with Dignity on Facebook

@MarniBattista on Twitter

#DatingDen on Twitter 

Ladies this episode is filled with truth bombs! It will help you take action and become a woman who has everything she wants in a relationship. 

My guest today, Jayson Gaddis, is insightful, a genius and he is handsome. He is a teacher and a student of all things relationship. And as the host of The Smart Couple Podcast and Founder of the Relationship School, Jayson is on a mission to teach people how to ‘do’ romantic relationships. 

Jayson’s first book, For the Smart Couple, comes out this November.  You can also find his work in the Good Man Project, the Elephant Journal, YourTango and The Jungle of Life, to name a few. 

Mistakes in Relationships that Cause Conflicts  [03:56]

The biggest mistake people make is they think they know how to navigate upset or challenges. The truth is conflict can be a door or a doorway. If we see it as a door then it's an opportunity to get to know each other better and take the relationship deeper. 

Many people are afraid to speak their truths. Steps people can take to move past a conflict in a healthy manner is to admit you are afraid to set a boundary or that you are afraid of confrontations. It's normal and ok to be afraid but if we stay afraid we will end up with the same results. 

How to Manage Common Relationship Conflicts [10:17]

If you feel your needs are not being met it’s important to identify your non-negotiable needs. Think of a pyramid to understand the three things we fight about as couples. 

At the top of the pyramid is surface, everyday stuff.

The middle level is resentments.

The base or foundation is feeling secure. 

If one person doesn’t feel safe in the relationship look at what the real need is. If a partner feels the other is there for them then surface conflicts can be easily resolved. If a partner feels insecure about a relationship it may incite additional conflicts.  

Dealing with Security Conflicts in a Relationship [27:10]

There is no such thing as a couple that doesn’t experience some type of conflict. Plus, it’s OK and perfectly healthy to have a conflict in a relationship. The important piece to overcoming conflicts is to be proactive and address the issue early. Opening up, being vulnerable and being direct about what the issue is will help you both solve it together. 

Ladies, your words, and actions must match. You have to set boundaries if you are having a security conflict. If your actions don’t match it will send a message to your guy that you are not serious and he will think it's ok to be half in and half out of the relationship. 

Get clear about what you want and look at a conflict as a door way to a deeper relationship. 

Make a Connection:

Dating with Dignity Website

Relationship Coaching with Marni

How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates - FREE

Dating with Dignity on Facebook

@MarniBattista on Twitter

#DatingDen on Twitter 

Jayson Gaddis 

The Relationship School

Tired of getting nowhere by beating yourself up for every little imperfection?

Do you wish you had someone who knew exactly what you needed and when you needed it?

Well, you do. It’s you. You CAN comfort yourself and be stronger because of it.

Marni welcomes Dr. Kristin Neff  to the Den to discuss the beauty of self compassion, what it is and what it isn’t, and how your self esteem can be boosted by it so that you can get off the emotional roller coaster of dating. Dr. Neff is an Associate Professor of Human Development and Culture at the University of Texas at Austin.

 Her findings can help you to be a resilient dater, to achieve all the things you want in life, and to be an awesome partner for your high quality man.

 What is Self Compassion?  [2:08]

Normally, we give compassion to others but not inward towards ourselves.  If someone is suffering we feel the urge to help in some way. You are aware they are suffering, you respond with kindness and you offer support. In the case of self compassion you follow the same strategy but apply it to yourself.

 Self compassion, is not self-pity.

If you have a tendency to be harsh or to unjustly judge yourself you can cause unnecessary anxiety and a fear of failure. When you practice self compassion you are not afraid of failure and when you do fail you are more likely to pick yourself up and try again.

 Self-compassion is not self-care.

 You Have a Built-In Caregiving System [8:07]

Supportive Touch can be putting your hands on your heart, holding your own hand or giving yourself a hug. A gentle touch can make us feel safe and we can do it for ourselves. You can release oxytocin and opiates to help yourself relax.

 When something hurtful happens we can get lost in the story of what's happening. When we practice self compassion techniques we can step outside of ourselves and recognize that we need kindness and support.

 Be a good friend to yourself.

 Accepting Ourselves for Who We Are [17:25]

For most people, their sense of self-worth is based on achieving success. As a result, our sense of self-worth goes up and down because we have “good” and “bad” days. Practicing self compassion can keep us more stable and it steps in when self-esteem  deserts us.

It's not about being good, it's just about being a human being worthy of love and respect. When we realize that everyone struggles we can be a loving, connected presence.

Approach things from a place of fullness instead of a place of lacking.

Resilience [27:20]

Self-compassion is one of the most powerful sources of strength and resilience we have. Rigid things can break, if you are flexible you can bounce back. If you support yourself in difficult times it will be easier for you to get through things.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!

Make a Connection:

Dating with Dignity Website

Relationship Coaching with Marni

How to Find a Quality Guy Without Going on 200 Dates - FREE

Dating with Dignity on Facebook

@MarniBattista on Twitter

#DatingDen on Twitter 

Dr. Kristin Neff @ Self Compassion.org

Center For Mindful Compassion