Life: Is It Just Me? by Paul Hope & Ryan Rocks

February 01, 2021 Letrozole Conception - Up to Birth

Therese has difficulty conceiving and turned to IVF to help. Her heart-wrenching pregnancy journey includes her taking a triple dose of letrozole without anyone knowing, her suffering from pre-eclampsia and her baby being born with Edwards' Syndrome (Trisomy 18).

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this was something i did without the

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doctors knowing so i kept it a secret

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even for my own husband i was telling

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lies to my family

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to my husband and i started to lie

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to my midwife

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hello welcome to the show this is life

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is it just me the podcast and youtube

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series as it now

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transpires i'm going to put that into my

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camera i've decided we're here to talk

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about

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the big issues the big topics the big

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things that

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most of us all of us are affected by and

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go through and life this first season

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is all about the decision as to whether

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to have kids ryan i have spoken to

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a huge amount of very guests so many

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interesting stories

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and we've got another one for you today

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we're joined by teres

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hi teres hello how are you

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i am fine thanks and how are you really

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good

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really good and ryan how are you i'm

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very good thanks paul

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yourself what's going on with you today

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good i'm just i'm really excited

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to be here just to talk about what we're

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going to talk about it's

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such a it's an amazing insight that

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people we've never met before are giving

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us into the life

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i'm so grateful yeah i feel grateful too

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yeah thank you for that yeah and

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i am really excited to be joining you

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and i am

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also grateful to telling my story to

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let people know how it can be that's

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exactly what we want we try we're trying

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to provide a forum for people who

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who want to talk about their their

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perspective

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on life and to to explain it's not just

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us it's not just me

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so yeah this is it this is it set the

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scene then tell us

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about who you are where do you come from

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yeah

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uh like you say my name is tirias and i

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live in sweden

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i am 33 years old today

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i met my husband in 2007

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and i just turned 20 after we met

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so we have been together for 13 years

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and we have been married for

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six years this year and

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really early on i told him that

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my dream was to have children one day

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and he was fine with that so we jumped

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into the relationship

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really fast and here we are now

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many years later still trying for a kid

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and his name is joachim so you know that

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yes

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um it's interesting you spoke about

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getting into a relationship quite

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quickly i

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did the exact same thing with my partner

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lauren we were very very quick to get

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together

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ryan what about you and your partner i'm

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not sure your wife a similar story yeah

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we met doing musical theater

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which was different in itself um and we

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were opposite parts in the same play

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um carousel was a musical in case you

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care

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um but we were we were opposite parts in

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carousel

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so what happened was uh we were meant to

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be love interest in the show

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and became love interest in real life no

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way is that

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fascinating well we've all got some sort

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of similar similar background

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teres you spoke earlier about

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wanting children you described it to me

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before we came on air

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as being a lifelong dream

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yes um since i've been

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like six years old i knew that i wanted

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to have a family of my own

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um i have three siblings one older

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sister

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one younger and one younger brother so i

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pretty early knew that i

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didn't want four kids myself but

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two maybe three that sounded good

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for me so that was what i decided at

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six years old and also that i wanted to

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have kids

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pretty young uh at 23 i was thinking

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that

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that is a good issue okay a couple of

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questions

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one why 23 and two

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what do you think sort of from the age

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of six year old made you think yeah

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i wouldn't have my own family

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um well at

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six years old i didn't grasp

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when you were adult i knew that you were

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supposed to be like 18 or 20 something

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like that so

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uh i thought that 23 then you are old

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enough to have kids

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of your own to get married to move away

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from

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your mother father and stuff like that

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okay

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yeah i'm sorry what was the other part

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of the question

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i was asking you said from about six

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years old

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you knew you wanted to have your own

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children

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and that's quite young i was wondering

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what it was at that age or around that

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age that made you think

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oh wow this is and it stuck this is what

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you wanted to do

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oh i can't really

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tell because it just was something that

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i kept with me all the time i have

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always

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loved babies and children and that's one

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of the reason that

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i became a preschool teacher because

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working with young kids from age one to

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five

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it's really exciting and funny

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and to see the sparkle in their their

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eyes when they learn stuff

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that was really important for me from a

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young age too

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and when i was six years old and that

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was when

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my baby brother came so

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maybe it's a part of that that i

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did see him coming yeah possibly

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it's funny you say that you're a

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preschool teacher and you love seeing

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the sparkle in children's eyes when they

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when they learn as a secondary school

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teacher i would love to see the sparkle

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in their eyes it's not happening i must

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have done something wrong

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um it's funny we spoke before about

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about this and ryan

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you've said on previous episodes that

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you have a couple of children yourself

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i don't did you ever go through

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something similar

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as as a child i suppose or as a teenager

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where you thought

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yeah i want to do this or is that

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something that's not um

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yeah i think i've kind of touched on

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this before but um

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for this episode basically um

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my kids i i'd already said from a long

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time

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that i wanted to be the cool uncle i

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didn't really want to be the dad

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um there was a there was a period

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probably when i was a bit younger maybe

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between

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10 and 13 where i thought oh you know

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when i grew up i could be a really i'd

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be a really good dad i'd be really

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i'd be awesome at that like to think

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that i'd be a cool dad

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um and then probably in that kind of

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period where my teenage years were

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starting to

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explore my my own life and becoming and

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that that that kind of developmental

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period of my life

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um i think there was a bit in there

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where i'm just like no no

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no no no no no no i'll be the cool uncle

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my sister can have all the kids and uh

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and that way i get the best of both

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worlds i get to play and i get to walk

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away

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um so there was probably in that period

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i could probably pinpoint

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where probably about 18 or something i

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thought you know i'd like to do this but

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i'll wait

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um and then i was

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very much in that mindset probably about

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another 10 years and then i met my wife

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and

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i was like yeah i'm ready now ready for

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kids so

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okay yeah some similarities in some

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differences and again i've spoken before

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but just

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in case it's the first time hearing it i

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sort of at that stage now

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28 almost almost 29 and um

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still don't know what to do i'm in that

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sort of quandary well i won't i and

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just thinking about what you said um

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today it's about

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knowing from a young age i don't think

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i've ever had that sort of

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yes i i'm sure about this

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i would also would never say that really

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at any point in my life have i ever been

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fully convinced that i won't i've

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always sort of just kind of gone through

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life in a bit like yeah maybe maybe

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maybe

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and now it feels a bit like the clock is

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ticking the biological clock is

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uh i'm aware of it ticking it's becoming

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louder in the back of my head

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and that's sort of where i am so yeah

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just setting the scene i guess for

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for all of us um but teres you

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safe to say that achieving this

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lifelong dream hasn't been easy

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no i started to study

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for my preschool teacher education in

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2009 and i was finished

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2014 in january and that was around the

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time i told my husband that

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now i think it's the time to start a

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family because

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i'm getting older i'm closing up to 30

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i really want to try now and i know want

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to know if

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you want this with me or not and and he

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said

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to me that well i am ready now

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so let's try so we started trying

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and and i got off the pills of course

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because i've

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taken those but my period never came

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so that's when

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it had been like six months or something

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like that i

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called the doctors and asked them to

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look into me what the wrong way are

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aren't i having my period after i was

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starting

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stopping with the pills and

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that's when i learned that i got pcos

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and that it would be difficult for me to

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get pregnant

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and here in sweden when you are pretty

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young

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and healthy you need to wait 12 months

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before you get help from the doctors

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so i was told to wait till

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january in 2015 and then i could

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call them and that's when the the whole

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everything started with that all the

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tries um

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with the difficult different uh

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medications and stuff

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uh and of the a year in 2016

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which started with ios okay

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just just to clarify foreign pcos

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polycystic ovary syndrome

0:10:39.680,0:10:43.200

it's still possible to get pregnant and

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to have periods

0:10:43.200,0:10:48.480

with this but in your case um that's

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very much not been the case

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yes and having spoken to you before

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you seem to be fairly confident

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that the pill or the mini pill i guess

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which is the

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conception you were taking is at least

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partially if not

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fully to blame for being unable to

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ovulate is that fair to say yes

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i think so no one has confirmed this for

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this is my own thinking but the thing is

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i started with the pills when i was 18

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and i briefly stopped in a

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period in my 20s and

0:11:28.240,0:11:31.760

just to see what was happening when i

0:11:30.640,0:11:35.040

stopped with them

0:11:31.760,0:11:35.760

and nothing happened and i didn't get my

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period

0:11:35.760,0:11:40.800

even then and i was uh

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it doesn't matter i doesn't want to have

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kids in a way now

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so i started with the pills again to get

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my period back

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and i got it back and then i changed

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pills to the mean pills

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and then i only got the period two times

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a year

0:11:53.920,0:11:58.480

and that was fine with me because uh it

0:11:56.480,0:12:02.000

was really painful

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and i am a heavy bleeder also so

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that was fine with me too not having it

0:12:04.720,0:12:11.200

at all

0:12:06.480,0:12:13.600

um but when i stopped taking the pills

0:12:11.200,0:12:15.440

and i learned about the pcos and i was

0:12:13.600,0:12:18.959

thinking about my history

0:12:15.440,0:12:20.240

i got my period uh very late i was 16

0:12:18.959,0:12:23.360

the first time

0:12:20.240,0:12:26.800

and i was 18 when

0:12:23.360,0:12:28.000

it was regular almost uh 30 days uh

0:12:26.800,0:12:29.600

between

0:12:28.000,0:12:31.200

but then i started with the pills i

0:12:29.600,0:12:33.120

don't know if um

0:12:31.200,0:12:35.120

anything would have changed if they

0:12:33.120,0:12:38.160

would have continued

0:12:35.120,0:12:40.720

because i think if it had continued

0:12:38.160,0:12:42.560

it wouldn't be that problematic for me

0:12:40.720,0:12:44.959

to get pregnant

0:12:42.560,0:12:46.480

but since i started with the pills and

0:12:44.959,0:12:48.959

when i stopped with them and

0:12:46.480,0:12:52.800

the period didn't come back i blame the

0:12:48.959,0:12:54.079

pills i do that it's understandable to

0:12:52.800,0:12:57.200

make that correlation

0:12:54.079,0:12:59.760

um i've heard as well that

0:12:57.200,0:13:00.959

periods can be painful with polycystic

0:12:59.760,0:13:04.000

ovaries

0:13:00.959,0:13:06.240

my sister has the same condition so

0:13:04.000,0:13:08.639

she has said that from month to month if

0:13:06.240,0:13:11.360

she's having a period it's very painful

0:13:08.639,0:13:13.040

um i don't it looks like that's we've

0:13:11.360,0:13:14.240

spoken to now three different people on

0:13:13.040,0:13:16.560

the

0:13:14.240,0:13:18.399

on this everywhere and um they've all

0:13:16.560,0:13:21.519

had similar

0:13:18.399,0:13:22.639

similar things to say about how painful

0:13:21.519,0:13:25.839

it is for

0:13:22.639,0:13:28.320

menstruation and um

0:13:25.839,0:13:30.639

so yeah it's something that we we we're

0:13:28.320,0:13:32.959

finding out it's a lot more common

0:13:30.639,0:13:34.079

than we what we would have thought of at

0:13:32.959,0:13:36.000

the beginning of the series

0:13:34.079,0:13:38.000

that we started so we're learning as we

0:13:36.000,0:13:39.279

go as well and uh it's interesting to

0:13:38.000,0:13:41.199

hear from you

0:13:39.279,0:13:43.040

that you're making that correlation with

0:13:41.199,0:13:44.720

the the mini pill

0:13:43.040,0:13:46.560

i guess the difficulty might be as well

0:13:44.720,0:13:47.920

is that in some ways

0:13:46.560,0:13:49.519

you never know you said you spoke

0:13:47.920,0:13:50.720

yourself about getting your first paid

0:13:49.519,0:13:54.079

at 16

0:13:50.720,0:13:58.560

becoming regular about 18 and

0:13:54.079,0:14:01.440

and i guess had you not taken the pill

0:13:58.560,0:14:02.079

would that have continued to be a sort

0:14:01.440,0:14:04.000

of regular

0:14:02.079,0:14:05.519

every 30 day period from 18 or would you

0:14:04.000,0:14:07.199

have noticed periods when it stopped and

0:14:05.519,0:14:09.120

started and that would have been an

0:14:07.199,0:14:11.279

early telltale sign but i guess there's

0:14:09.120,0:14:14.160

no way to know

0:14:11.279,0:14:14.720

exactly like that i have been thinking

0:14:14.160,0:14:17.920

about that

0:14:14.720,0:14:21.360

during those last seven years now

0:14:17.920,0:14:23.600

what if uh i stopped taking the pills

0:14:21.360,0:14:25.760

and really stopped with them when i did

0:14:23.600,0:14:28.880

that in the 20s

0:14:25.760,0:14:30.800

um but i was naive and

0:14:28.880,0:14:32.959

i didn't want to get pregnant before my

0:14:30.800,0:14:35.519

husband was ready to get

0:14:32.959,0:14:37.120

to have a child so that's the reason i

0:14:35.519,0:14:40.240

continue with them

0:14:37.120,0:14:42.959

and yes i regret that today

0:14:40.240,0:14:45.279

after all those years trying but there

0:14:42.959,0:14:48.480

is nothing i can do about that now so i

0:14:45.279,0:14:50.720

just try to move forward yeah

0:14:48.480,0:14:52.320

that's a good um without making any

0:14:50.720,0:14:54.079

judgment but that is that seems to me

0:14:52.320,0:14:57.040

like a really good um

0:14:54.079,0:14:58.399

mindset to have to think we can't fix

0:14:57.040,0:15:00.639

the past

0:14:58.399,0:15:02.880

and let's see what we can do to move

0:15:00.639,0:15:04.560

forward so i i think and personally i

0:15:02.880,0:15:07.120

think that's a very positive way to look

0:15:04.560,0:15:08.639

at it and well done for you for

0:15:07.120,0:15:13.040

for having that mindset it would be very

0:15:08.639,0:15:16.160

easy to be to hate life and to hate um

0:15:13.040,0:15:17.680

the medical profession for ruining your

0:15:16.160,0:15:18.720

dream you know so you've had since you

0:15:17.680,0:15:22.000

were six so

0:15:18.720,0:15:23.600

um yeah it seems like

0:15:22.000,0:15:24.959

you at least you have the right mindset

0:15:23.600,0:15:26.079

and i think that'll be helpful going

0:15:24.959,0:15:29.440

forward

0:15:26.079,0:15:33.120

have you raised the the issue

0:15:29.440,0:15:36.880

with with doctors with um

0:15:33.120,0:15:38.480

a gp to say i i honestly think that

0:15:36.880,0:15:40.320

the mini pill or the pill or whatever

0:15:38.480,0:15:43.519

conception it may have been is

0:15:40.320,0:15:45.759

responsible for me being able to to

0:15:43.519,0:15:49.759

ovulate

0:15:45.759,0:15:52.959

and partly i have asked about this

0:15:49.759,0:15:55.040

and not fully um and what the doctors

0:15:52.959,0:16:00.079

have told me there is that i

0:15:55.040,0:16:00.079

am medicational infertile

0:16:00.320,0:16:03.839

i don't know if you can uh translate it

0:16:02.079,0:16:06.560

that way sounds like a

0:16:03.839,0:16:09.839

medically infertile medication i'm not

0:16:06.560,0:16:09.839

sure yeah

0:16:14.720,0:16:22.240

yes so they just explained that

0:16:19.120,0:16:25.360

because of my pcos and

0:16:22.240,0:16:29.839

maybe perhaps also because of my

0:16:25.360,0:16:33.040

theory not working like it should be

0:16:29.839,0:16:35.920

and also i have celiac disease

0:16:33.040,0:16:37.279

so it could be a combination but the

0:16:35.920,0:16:41.120

doctors blame

0:16:37.279,0:16:43.600

pcos when it comes to me okay

0:16:41.120,0:16:44.399

okay let's let's suppose they have to

0:16:43.600,0:16:46.399

pinpoint it

0:16:44.399,0:16:48.800

to something don't they they have to try

0:16:46.399,0:16:50.800

and diagnose something yeah

0:16:48.800,0:16:52.959

absolutely yeah ryan i have spoken

0:16:50.800,0:16:56.639

separately away from the podcast about

0:16:52.959,0:16:59.440

sort of um catch-all

0:16:56.639,0:17:00.160

um diagnosis diagnosis if that's the one

0:16:59.440,0:17:01.440

where

0:17:00.160,0:17:03.519

it's almost like you get to the end of

0:17:01.440,0:17:05.120

the road we've tried this it's not this

0:17:03.519,0:17:07.600

we've tried this it's not that

0:17:05.120,0:17:08.880

so it's got to be this yes here's his

0:17:07.600,0:17:11.520

blanket umbrella yes

0:17:08.880,0:17:12.799

that's the wonderful thing yeah we've

0:17:11.520,0:17:14.240

also noticed there seems to be a bit

0:17:12.799,0:17:15.039

discrepancy within the healthcare

0:17:14.240,0:17:16.959

systems of

0:17:15.039,0:17:18.640

different countries with this we've

0:17:16.959,0:17:20.000

found it's very we've been very lucky to

0:17:18.640,0:17:23.120

speak to people in america

0:17:20.000,0:17:25.919

in scotland um and now with yourself

0:17:23.120,0:17:27.919

um and the differences between all the

0:17:25.919,0:17:29.679

different health cares seems to be

0:17:27.919,0:17:31.520

quite vast there's quite a big

0:17:29.679,0:17:33.200

difference between where you live

0:17:31.520,0:17:34.960

and what kind of care you get and what

0:17:33.200,0:17:36.480

options are available to you

0:17:34.960,0:17:38.880

which we're finding very interesting as

0:17:36.480,0:17:39.760

well sometimes within countries as well

0:17:38.880,0:17:41.919

we spoke to

0:17:39.760,0:17:43.840

divine system our previous show about

0:17:41.919,0:17:45.360

how she had different experiences in one

0:17:43.840,0:17:46.720

part of scotland compared to another

0:17:45.360,0:17:48.080

part of scotland so

0:17:46.720,0:17:49.760

that actually leads us on really nicely

0:17:48.080,0:17:53.120

around to what i was going to ask

0:17:49.760,0:17:55.440

about some of the the treatments and the

0:17:53.120,0:17:57.600

suggestions that you have um have been

0:17:55.440,0:18:01.039

made available to you in sweden

0:17:57.600,0:18:02.799

what have you tried and what of the sort

0:18:01.039,0:18:06.400

of criteria the entry

0:18:02.799,0:18:06.400

criteria for those been today

0:18:06.960,0:18:11.679

yes like i said earlier for starter you

0:18:10.480,0:18:15.120

need to try

0:18:11.679,0:18:17.039

for 12 months before you can get help

0:18:15.120,0:18:18.240

and this is when you are young when

0:18:17.039,0:18:22.000

you're starting to

0:18:18.240,0:18:26.080

as a woman to come of age 48 49

0:18:22.000,0:18:29.360

4 39 and 40 and

0:18:26.080,0:18:32.480

then you get to help them earlier

0:18:29.360,0:18:36.080

they prioritize those women

0:18:32.480,0:18:39.520

because after 31

0:18:36.080,0:18:42.720

for 41 you won't get

0:18:39.520,0:18:46.160

that much help anymore and then they say

0:18:42.720,0:18:49.520

look into uh foster care to have

0:18:46.160,0:18:52.080

those kids or adoption okay

0:18:49.520,0:18:52.799

so they have a natural cut off then um

0:18:52.080,0:18:56.240

yeah

0:18:52.799,0:18:58.000

like a very real cutoff to saying

0:18:56.240,0:18:59.840

right now we're not going to help it's

0:18:58.000,0:19:03.039

time to move on think of something else

0:18:59.840,0:19:06.080

yeah and wow there can be some

0:19:03.039,0:19:08.840

gray zones uh because if there is

0:19:06.080,0:19:10.080

a woman that had uh have a children

0:19:08.840,0:19:13.200

before

0:19:10.080,0:19:13.200

she are more

0:19:14.080,0:19:18.320

there are higher chance that she will

0:19:16.799,0:19:21.520

get pregnant again

0:19:18.320,0:19:24.400

even if she has turned 42 so

0:19:21.520,0:19:25.120

in private clinics and maybe she can get

0:19:24.400,0:19:28.240

help

0:19:25.120,0:19:29.360

but not in the ordinary clinics in the

0:19:28.240,0:19:33.039

hospitals

0:19:29.360,0:19:35.280

i see okay looking comparatively

0:19:33.039,0:19:36.880

in the uk the national health service

0:19:35.280,0:19:38.960

website states that

0:19:36.880,0:19:41.360

ivf in particular is offered to women

0:19:38.960,0:19:42.960

under the age of 43

0:19:41.360,0:19:44.880

who have been trying to get pregnant

0:19:42.960,0:19:45.200

either through regular unprotected sex

0:19:44.880,0:19:48.799

for

0:19:45.200,0:19:50.799

two years or who have had 12 cycles of

0:19:48.799,0:19:53.440

artificial insemination

0:19:50.799,0:19:54.559

and i imagine that that would maybe be

0:19:53.440,0:19:57.440

different maybe the entry

0:19:54.559,0:19:59.280

criteria would be more lacks in the

0:19:57.440,0:20:00.880

private sector but certainly in the the

0:19:59.280,0:20:02.400

public sector here that's that's the

0:20:00.880,0:20:04.159

rules there those are the rules

0:20:02.400,0:20:06.000

with regards to to sweden you spoke

0:20:04.159,0:20:09.600

about sort of going private as well

0:20:06.000,0:20:10.880

and are you looking at enhanced costs

0:20:09.600,0:20:12.159

how does the health care system what

0:20:10.880,0:20:14.159

excuse my ignorance how does the health

0:20:12.159,0:20:16.480

care system work in sweden with regards

0:20:14.159,0:20:20.480

to treatment such as ivf either

0:20:16.480,0:20:24.080

publicly or privately uh i am

0:20:20.480,0:20:27.440

currently at the public clinic and um

0:20:24.080,0:20:30.559

here they taking so many patients

0:20:27.440,0:20:33.120

from the area around where i live so you

0:20:30.559,0:20:34.480

only get help here if you don't have a

0:20:33.120,0:20:38.000

kid before

0:20:34.480,0:20:42.000

they doesn't do those private helps

0:20:38.000,0:20:45.280

and if they don't have to so to say

0:20:42.000,0:20:48.559

i have a friend she has had

0:20:45.280,0:20:51.440

gotten help private at this clinic but

0:20:48.559,0:20:52.159

if you have kids from before and are

0:20:51.440,0:20:54.480

trying

0:20:52.159,0:20:56.400

and can't get pregnant again then you

0:20:54.480,0:20:59.120

need to go private

0:20:56.400,0:21:01.120

okay do you know what the sort of costs

0:20:59.120,0:21:03.440

are just for comparison i see in the

0:21:01.120,0:21:04.960

the uk it can be about five thousand

0:21:03.440,0:21:08.720

pounds for one cycle

0:21:04.960,0:21:10.640

privately of ivf uh i think it's a

0:21:08.720,0:21:14.159

little bit lower here

0:21:10.640,0:21:15.440

uh one cycle will be around and i hope

0:21:14.159,0:21:18.559

i'm saying correct now

0:21:15.440,0:21:22.240

but like 3 000 pounds

0:21:18.559,0:21:25.600

yeah i think it's uh 33 or 45

0:21:22.240,0:21:28.320

000 swedish crowns okay

0:21:25.600,0:21:29.760

sounds about right rhino but roughly

0:21:28.320,0:21:30.159

within the simkin a ballpark figure

0:21:29.760,0:21:32.080

maybe

0:21:30.159,0:21:33.440

yeah i think so i mean not having the

0:21:32.080,0:21:35.120

calculator switched on in my head i

0:21:33.440,0:21:36.559

think that's about right

0:21:35.120,0:21:38.400

it's too early for that it's all the

0:21:36.559,0:21:40.400

time and also i wanted to

0:21:38.400,0:21:42.000

to say that in your defense it's not

0:21:40.400,0:21:44.159

ignorance we i don't even know how our

0:21:42.000,0:21:45.200

health care system works thank you i'll

0:21:44.159,0:21:46.640

take this

0:21:45.200,0:21:51.440

thank you for sticking up for me just in

0:21:46.640,0:21:51.440

your defense i was putting myself down

0:21:52.080,0:21:56.080

thank you uh interesting to meet those

0:21:54.480,0:21:57.600

comparisons as well and see how

0:21:56.080,0:21:59.520

countries do it differently in similarly

0:21:57.600,0:22:00.320

but it looks like we're more or less on

0:21:59.520,0:22:02.240

the same sort of

0:22:00.320,0:22:04.000

um wavelength at least if you're

0:22:02.240,0:22:07.679

listening in the uk

0:22:04.000,0:22:10.240

what has your your journey been like

0:22:07.679,0:22:11.600

with medication with ivf and with these

0:22:10.240,0:22:15.280

alternative methods to

0:22:11.600,0:22:19.039

to get pregnant at first

0:22:15.280,0:22:22.799

we tried this pill called

0:22:19.039,0:22:26.000

pergotine and to

0:22:22.799,0:22:29.360

make me ovulate and i

0:22:26.000,0:22:32.880

did ovulate with a double dose

0:22:29.360,0:22:36.799

but it took a too long time the doctors

0:22:32.880,0:22:37.760

was thought instead of two weeks it took

0:22:36.799,0:22:40.400

three weeks so

0:22:37.760,0:22:41.039

they told me that now you should move on

0:22:40.400,0:22:44.320

with the

0:22:41.039,0:22:47.360

injections instead and

0:22:44.320,0:22:50.000

that was when i tried purguan

0:22:47.360,0:22:50.000

and that's

0:22:50.880,0:22:57.360

i don't know in swedish

0:22:54.320,0:23:00.960

yeah it's hard to

0:22:57.360,0:23:03.760

say well um this

0:23:00.960,0:23:04.480

shot i tried at one time to try to

0:23:03.760,0:23:07.600

overlake

0:23:04.480,0:23:11.039

but here in sweden also

0:23:07.600,0:23:14.159

we have this social board

0:23:11.039,0:23:17.200

so to say uh they regulate

0:23:14.159,0:23:23.520

how many eggs that

0:23:17.200,0:23:25.840

are allowed to release how many

0:23:23.520,0:23:26.799

children you can have in the same time

0:23:25.840,0:23:30.000

when you're pregnant

0:23:26.799,0:23:33.200

sure twins are okay but

0:23:30.000,0:23:34.559

they uh they mostly want you to you only

0:23:33.200,0:23:38.240

have one kid

0:23:34.559,0:23:42.080

at a time so when i took

0:23:38.240,0:23:45.600

pedogon and there was four follics

0:23:42.080,0:23:46.640

and the doctor said no no stop yeah this

0:23:45.600,0:23:49.840

is not good

0:23:46.640,0:23:53.039

four kids in the same time

0:23:49.840,0:23:54.559

so we stopped having two children i can

0:23:53.039,0:23:57.600

confess that that would be

0:23:54.559,0:23:59.200

difficult yeah um and they were spread

0:23:57.600,0:24:02.000

apart so uh yeah yeah four

0:23:59.200,0:24:04.799

all at one go i know people have done it

0:24:02.000,0:24:08.080

ivf i've seen now like what eight kids

0:24:04.799,0:24:11.679

eat topless i don't know octopus no

0:24:08.080,0:24:15.600

can you imagine that i mean yeah

0:24:11.679,0:24:15.600

no i can't i can't but not in a good way

0:24:17.120,0:24:23.840

well i would love to have twins so i

0:24:20.640,0:24:25.279

can have two kids uh at one time instant

0:24:23.840,0:24:27.760

family yes that sounds

0:24:25.279,0:24:29.679

that sounds very good i like that i'm

0:24:27.760,0:24:31.440

not again i'm not catching judgment just

0:24:29.679,0:24:35.039

for my own personal thing

0:24:31.440,0:24:39.039

two at once seems seems manageable yeah

0:24:35.039,0:24:42.720

that's what i am thinking too

0:24:39.039,0:24:43.760

yeah so yeah we tried that pergone and i

0:24:42.720,0:24:47.039

have to stop

0:24:43.760,0:24:51.279

and when i did try this

0:24:47.039,0:24:55.200

we are in autumn of 2016

0:24:51.279,0:24:58.960

and uh i have only had a free tries

0:24:55.200,0:25:01.760

and one of them i got an ovulation

0:24:58.960,0:25:03.120

and didn't get pregnant so the doctors

0:25:01.760,0:25:07.039

told me after this that

0:25:03.120,0:25:09.520

now you need to go forward with the ivf

0:25:07.039,0:25:12.480

and one thing that is important here in

0:25:09.520,0:25:12.480

sweden is that

0:25:12.840,0:25:20.480

in 2014 i think it was they decided that

0:25:17.360,0:25:23.600

in the whole of sweden no matter what

0:25:20.480,0:25:29.679

region you are living in

0:25:23.600,0:25:32.720

you will get free ivf for free

0:25:29.679,0:25:35.120

wow yes okay

0:25:32.720,0:25:36.720

i wasn't expecting that no so that's a

0:25:35.120,0:25:38.960

big breakthrough for you then

0:25:36.720,0:25:40.840

well at the time it would have been for

0:25:38.960,0:25:43.919

to hear that you'd

0:25:40.840,0:25:47.200

thought in my region

0:25:43.919,0:25:52.000

this was already set so it was

0:25:47.200,0:25:52.000

just the rest of the sweden to catch up

0:25:52.640,0:25:56.320

okay but you can imagine that would be a

0:25:54.720,0:25:58.960

huge relief to

0:25:56.320,0:26:00.080

so many families around the country yes

0:25:58.960,0:26:03.840

yes

0:26:00.080,0:26:07.760

because um when we started

0:26:03.840,0:26:10.799

the first ivf um

0:26:07.760,0:26:13.600

in my ovaries there

0:26:10.799,0:26:14.640

it looks like i have this necklace with

0:26:13.600,0:26:17.360

pearls

0:26:14.640,0:26:20.799

that because i have so many follics

0:26:17.360,0:26:24.000

lying there and waiting to grow and

0:26:20.799,0:26:27.279

release eggs so

0:26:24.000,0:26:30.480

when i took pergone the first time uh

0:26:27.279,0:26:33.760

20 of those follics grew to

0:26:30.480,0:26:36.159

a great size so the doctor said

0:26:33.760,0:26:36.799

well we will see but perhaps you will

0:26:36.159,0:26:40.400

have like

0:26:36.799,0:26:42.799

10 eggs and then they

0:26:40.400,0:26:43.520

took them out and it turned out to only

0:26:42.799,0:26:47.200

be one

0:26:43.520,0:26:50.559

egg from those 20 and that was

0:26:47.200,0:26:53.919

a pretty big bummer so to say

0:26:50.559,0:26:57.840

for me i wasn't expecting that from

0:26:53.919,0:27:01.360

all the follicles that was growing

0:26:57.840,0:27:04.840

uh fortunately the egg got fertilized

0:27:01.360,0:27:08.960

and the first days it divided really

0:27:04.840,0:27:09.840

nice and we took the egg out on the

0:27:08.960,0:27:12.799

friday

0:27:09.840,0:27:13.120

and on monday we came in to transfer it

0:27:12.799,0:27:16.480

back

0:27:13.120,0:27:18.480

into me and the doctors say yeah it

0:27:16.480,0:27:19.440

looks like this and she said the number

0:27:18.480,0:27:22.640

of cells

0:27:19.440,0:27:25.440

and i was still very naive

0:27:22.640,0:27:26.399

at this time so i said oh that sounds

0:27:25.440,0:27:28.320

good

0:27:26.399,0:27:31.120

and the doctor she looked at me and say

0:27:28.320,0:27:31.120

no it's not

0:27:31.279,0:27:38.240

thank you thanks for the news

0:27:35.120,0:27:40.480

thanks doctor thanks so

0:27:38.240,0:27:41.279

that was pretty hard for us to hear we

0:27:40.480,0:27:43.760

got uh

0:27:41.279,0:27:45.919

pretty angry at her we didn't like that

0:27:43.760,0:27:48.960

doctor at all

0:27:45.919,0:27:48.960

i don't like her i never

0:27:53.440,0:28:00.240

yeah so yeah we made a transfer but

0:27:56.720,0:28:04.559

two weeks later i let it all out

0:28:00.240,0:28:08.000

so we said yeah let's do the next one

0:28:04.559,0:28:08.799

so the next time we i got on higher dose

0:28:08.000,0:28:11.919

of pergone

0:28:08.799,0:28:15.360

and now we are coming in

0:28:11.919,0:28:18.880

april uh 2016.

0:28:15.360,0:28:19.760

um so we knew where that we were going

0:28:18.880,0:28:23.279

to do

0:28:19.760,0:28:23.679

one ivf maybe one transfer before summer

0:28:23.279,0:28:26.960

and

0:28:23.679,0:28:31.840

the clinic was closing for the summer

0:28:26.960,0:28:35.440

and but this time i was over stimulated

0:28:31.840,0:28:35.919

so i didn't get 20 folics i had more

0:28:35.440,0:28:39.440

0:28:35.919,0:28:41.120

60. wow wow yeah

0:28:39.440,0:28:42.799

how many of those were viable how many

0:28:41.120,0:28:47.600

of the 60 were viable

0:28:42.799,0:28:50.000

yeah that was uh the other stuff

0:28:47.600,0:28:51.840

of those 60 they couldn't take all of

0:28:50.000,0:28:55.679

them out because

0:28:51.840,0:28:58.799

when the ovary is growing like that

0:28:55.679,0:29:02.399

with all eggs and they are mowing

0:28:58.799,0:29:06.080

inside of your body so my left

0:29:02.399,0:29:06.799

ovary it moved up in me and the doctor

0:29:06.080,0:29:10.000

couldn't

0:29:06.799,0:29:13.360

reach all of them so she

0:29:10.000,0:29:18.080

maybe took 50 of those 60 hey

0:29:13.360,0:29:20.720

folks and out of them there was 22 eggs

0:29:18.080,0:29:22.080

okay wow that's a better percentage i

0:29:20.720,0:29:25.600

guess than what well yeah

0:29:22.080,0:29:27.919

one out of 20 yes what does it feel like

0:29:25.600,0:29:30.080

to to have gone through

0:29:27.919,0:29:32.960

this must be such a roller coaster of

0:29:30.080,0:29:35.200

emotions to have the eyes of being told

0:29:32.960,0:29:36.720

yeah there's there's a chance to have

0:29:35.200,0:29:38.480

the laws of

0:29:36.720,0:29:40.080

well where you've been being told and

0:29:38.480,0:29:42.640

the way you were told by that doctor

0:29:40.080,0:29:43.840

and as you said earlier on bleeding it

0:29:42.640,0:29:47.360

out

0:29:43.840,0:29:49.919

yeah it's a emotional rollercoaster

0:29:47.360,0:29:52.159

where you never know if you're going up

0:29:49.919,0:29:54.640

or down

0:29:52.159,0:29:56.720

it's like you're blindfolded on this

0:29:54.640,0:30:00.320

rollercoaster

0:29:56.720,0:30:03.279

yeah and then of those 22 eggs

0:30:00.320,0:30:04.399

12 of them were fertilized and then only

0:30:03.279,0:30:07.200

one of them

0:30:04.399,0:30:08.159

were good enough to go to the freezer

0:30:07.200,0:30:11.600

because

0:30:08.159,0:30:14.559

i was overstimulated and then i didn't

0:30:11.600,0:30:15.600

get to do any fresh transfer so they

0:30:14.559,0:30:18.559

needed to

0:30:15.600,0:30:19.120

freeze them down and only one of those

0:30:18.559,0:30:22.559

could

0:30:19.120,0:30:26.000

survive that so despite having

0:30:22.559,0:30:29.440

gone from 60 to 22 we're then looking at

0:30:26.000,0:30:31.200

literally on one yes wow yes

0:30:29.440,0:30:32.799

the numbers really do fill you don't

0:30:31.200,0:30:35.200

when you hear numbers like that and

0:30:32.799,0:30:37.360

50 or 60 you start to think oh wow and

0:30:35.200,0:30:40.320

this is just us hearing it from

0:30:37.360,0:30:41.120

yeah it's whenever 22 seems like a good

0:30:40.320,0:30:42.960

number you're like oh

0:30:41.120,0:30:44.720

you've got you've got a good chance

0:30:42.960,0:30:47.120

surely um but

0:30:44.720,0:30:47.760

to only have one at the end of that and

0:30:47.120,0:30:51.840

yeah

0:30:47.760,0:30:51.840

i can understand your roller coaster

0:30:51.919,0:30:57.760

and this caused me to

0:30:55.360,0:31:00.880

be depressed so i got a depreciation

0:30:57.760,0:31:05.600

depression after that

0:31:00.880,0:31:08.159

and i was asked

0:31:05.600,0:31:09.919

by another doctor to please medicate for

0:31:08.159,0:31:12.320

this depression

0:31:09.919,0:31:13.919

and when you do that you're not allowed

0:31:12.320,0:31:17.279

to do a transfer

0:31:13.919,0:31:19.840

until you are stable in medication

0:31:17.279,0:31:23.200

so i couldn't do any transfer after the

0:31:19.840,0:31:26.320

summer i had to wait until christmas

0:31:23.200,0:31:27.919

it's almost a vicious circle yeah

0:31:26.320,0:31:29.600

we've talked about this before though we

0:31:27.919,0:31:33.519

get caught in a bit of a trap

0:31:29.600,0:31:34.640

um of one thing causing another thing

0:31:33.519,0:31:35.840

causing another thing and

0:31:34.640,0:31:37.919

then you're not really sure where you

0:31:35.840,0:31:39.200

are in that circle of things that are

0:31:37.919,0:31:40.880

causing all the different things

0:31:39.200,0:31:43.440

and you're just not sure what's causing

0:31:40.880,0:31:46.320

what anymore um

0:31:43.440,0:31:47.200

yeah it sounds really tough saying stuff

0:31:46.320,0:31:51.120

yeah

0:31:47.200,0:31:54.480

um so when we started to approach

0:31:51.120,0:31:56.559

christmas in 2016 i called the clinic

0:31:54.480,0:31:58.960

and said i am feeling stable in my

0:31:56.559,0:32:02.000

depression and with medication

0:31:58.960,0:32:02.720

so now i want to start doing what we

0:32:02.000,0:32:05.679

need to do

0:32:02.720,0:32:05.679

so we can transfer

0:32:06.240,0:32:12.880

and because of that i

0:32:09.519,0:32:17.039

know i'm not ovulating i was giving this

0:32:12.880,0:32:17.919

medication literal to try to make me

0:32:17.039,0:32:21.120

ovulate with

0:32:17.919,0:32:25.279

this to have the hormones

0:32:21.120,0:32:27.440

natural in my body as we tried a single

0:32:25.279,0:32:30.480

dose but nothing happened

0:32:27.440,0:32:33.440

and this is

0:32:30.480,0:32:35.919

after christmas because of holidays and

0:32:33.440,0:32:35.919

stuff so

0:32:36.320,0:32:42.960

then we waited in until

0:32:39.760,0:32:46.159

march 2017

0:32:42.960,0:32:49.440

and i did a double dose of letter soul

0:32:46.159,0:32:51.600

but still no ovulating

0:32:49.440,0:32:52.640

so the doctor said okay this is not

0:32:51.600,0:32:55.679

working we

0:32:52.640,0:32:56.080

are faking a pregnancy in your body with

0:32:55.679,0:32:58.960

the

0:32:56.080,0:32:58.960

hormones for that

0:32:59.200,0:33:07.200

so in april 2017

0:33:03.600,0:33:10.720

when i reached 30

0:33:07.200,0:33:13.840

we transferred

0:33:10.720,0:33:18.320

our embryo from the freezer

0:33:13.840,0:33:20.960

and a couple of weeks went by i was

0:33:18.320,0:33:21.600

feeling sick and all of that because of

0:33:20.960,0:33:26.159

the

0:33:21.600,0:33:29.039

hormones in my body and then i got this

0:33:26.159,0:33:31.679

painful cramps and i knew that i was

0:33:29.039,0:33:35.039

going to bleed it all out again

0:33:31.679,0:33:38.240

and it came

0:33:35.039,0:33:40.480

yeah and now it is too late

0:33:38.240,0:33:42.000

to start the third hour with before the

0:33:40.480,0:33:45.279

summer so

0:33:42.000,0:33:49.120

i had to wait over the summer

0:33:45.279,0:33:52.399

so this is when i do something that i

0:33:49.120,0:33:56.080

both regret and not

0:33:52.399,0:33:59.440

regret i had still later soul

0:33:56.080,0:34:02.640

at home and i did have this

0:33:59.440,0:34:06.399

injection ovitrel

0:34:02.640,0:34:09.440

that i could take to make an

0:34:06.399,0:34:11.280

egg nature and then release so i could

0:34:09.440,0:34:15.280

all late

0:34:11.280,0:34:18.480

so um when my husband and i

0:34:15.280,0:34:21.919

had our vacation that summer i took

0:34:18.480,0:34:26.159

the letter soul in triple dose

0:34:21.919,0:34:29.919

and i checked with this test to see if i

0:34:26.159,0:34:33.040

was going to overweight and i did

0:34:29.919,0:34:36.399

so then i took the injection vitrell to

0:34:33.040,0:34:39.679

make sure the egg was released

0:34:36.399,0:34:42.720

and since i have taken this

0:34:39.679,0:34:46.320

shot injection before i knew that um

0:34:42.720,0:34:49.520

14 days from the injection

0:34:46.320,0:34:53.679

i would have my period if i was not

0:34:49.520,0:34:57.920

pregnant so i waited

0:34:53.679,0:35:02.320

and day 14 came and day 14

0:34:57.920,0:35:05.680

went and no period

0:35:02.320,0:35:08.720

uh at this time we went to see some uh

0:35:05.680,0:35:12.000

family and joachim's family in

0:35:08.720,0:35:15.200

in here the sunda it's uh

0:35:12.000,0:35:18.320

um almost uh in line with stockholm

0:35:15.200,0:35:20.720

so it's north for us a

0:35:18.320,0:35:22.720

really beautiful landscape we love to go

0:35:20.720,0:35:23.359

there so we were going there to see his

0:35:22.720,0:35:26.400

family

0:35:23.359,0:35:29.680

and celebrate the baptize of

0:35:26.400,0:35:33.040

his cousin's second child

0:35:29.680,0:35:33.680

and we were there for the weekend and we

0:35:33.040,0:35:37.280

went home

0:35:33.680,0:35:39.920

aft on the sunday after the baptize

0:35:37.280,0:35:40.640

and on monday morning i felt now my

0:35:39.920,0:35:45.280

period is

0:35:40.640,0:35:48.560

late so it's time for me to check

0:35:45.280,0:35:52.720

so i woke up early on monday morning

0:35:48.560,0:35:56.000

and took a pregnancy test i waited

0:35:52.720,0:35:57.440

i looked at it and i didn't know if i

0:35:56.000,0:36:00.560

was going to faint

0:35:57.440,0:36:04.400

or scream jumped with joy or

0:36:00.560,0:36:08.800

what i was going to do i was pregnant

0:36:04.400,0:36:08.800

and this was so exciting

0:36:10.839,0:36:16.240

yeah yeah i am getting a little

0:36:13.440,0:36:17.200

emotional now i actually i'm a little

0:36:16.240,0:36:19.760

bit as well i can

0:36:17.200,0:36:20.320

i can feel that yeah sort of twinge in

0:36:19.760,0:36:24.720

0:36:20.320,0:36:28.320

chest yeah so

0:36:24.720,0:36:30.720

after i uh saw that

0:36:28.320,0:36:31.440

the test was positive i ran into the

0:36:30.720,0:36:34.000

bedroom where

0:36:31.440,0:36:36.079

my husband was still sleeping i woke him

0:36:34.000,0:36:39.359

up and i am pregnant

0:36:36.079,0:36:43.440

look look and i blinded him with the

0:36:39.359,0:36:43.440

the light of the lamp to make him

0:36:44.720,0:36:48.320

and then he was shocked and then he was

0:36:46.320,0:36:52.720

oh my god how did this

0:36:48.320,0:36:52.720

how did we do this i don't know

0:36:53.440,0:36:56.880

because the thing is i wasn't totally

0:36:56.160,0:36:59.200

honestly

0:36:56.880,0:37:00.720

with what i had done with the letter

0:36:59.200,0:37:03.040

soul

0:37:00.720,0:37:05.359

this was something i did without the

0:37:03.040,0:37:09.599

doctors knowing so i kept it a

0:37:05.359,0:37:12.400

secret even for my own husband wow okay

0:37:09.599,0:37:13.839

yeah and uh i suppose you weren't sure

0:37:12.400,0:37:16.800

that was going to work though either

0:37:13.839,0:37:17.200

yeah yeah i can kind of understand that

0:37:16.800,0:37:20.720

i know

0:37:17.200,0:37:22.000

um if you're going through that and

0:37:20.720,0:37:23.760

if you've been through all of that

0:37:22.000,0:37:26.480

already and

0:37:23.760,0:37:28.079

you're not sure if this is it like it's

0:37:26.480,0:37:30.240

almost be like a miracle like you

0:37:28.079,0:37:32.160

might be like why if i do this and it

0:37:30.240,0:37:35.200

works it's a miracle

0:37:32.160,0:37:37.680

so why should i get anybody's hopes up

0:37:35.200,0:37:39.200

and hopefully just we'll just try and if

0:37:37.680,0:37:40.880

it doesn't work then i'm the only one

0:37:39.200,0:37:42.960

that's affected by that

0:37:40.880,0:37:44.320

um taking that on your own shoulders

0:37:42.960,0:37:48.240

that way kind of

0:37:44.320,0:37:51.839

or let someone tell you not to yeah

0:37:48.240,0:37:51.839

i didn't know

0:37:52.720,0:37:56.480

well i have asked for his forgiveness

0:37:55.680,0:37:59.280

afterwards

0:37:56.480,0:38:00.400

and he said why didn't you tell me no

0:37:59.280,0:38:02.480

problem

0:38:00.400,0:38:04.720

and you don't need to ask for my

0:38:02.480,0:38:07.119

forgiveness so i'm very

0:38:04.720,0:38:09.839

grateful and thankful for him not being

0:38:07.119,0:38:11.440

angry with me

0:38:09.839,0:38:13.280

were you aware at the time when you were

0:38:11.440,0:38:15.119

doing this

0:38:13.280,0:38:16.800

how did it feel when you knew that you

0:38:15.119,0:38:18.000

were you were going through the process

0:38:16.800,0:38:20.480

of taking the triple dose

0:38:18.000,0:38:22.560

and you you knew that this wasn't

0:38:20.480,0:38:24.240

something that the doctors had

0:38:22.560,0:38:26.320

advised you to do you knew your doctor

0:38:24.240,0:38:27.599

didn't know what sort of emotions were

0:38:26.320,0:38:30.960

you feeling at the time

0:38:27.599,0:38:34.480

yeah i was scared i was

0:38:30.960,0:38:38.000

ashamed and

0:38:34.480,0:38:41.359

i was also pretty sure it would work

0:38:38.000,0:38:44.720

uh in the same time i wasn't sure at

0:38:41.359,0:38:46.560

all what i did do before i took the

0:38:44.720,0:38:50.400

triple dose it was i

0:38:46.560,0:38:50.800

did search on internet in sweden there

0:38:50.400,0:38:53.680

0:38:50.800,0:38:54.320

not more to see and there was one couple

0:38:53.680,0:38:57.359

i found

0:38:54.320,0:39:00.720

that i had taken almost a triple dose

0:38:57.359,0:39:04.079

and got pregnant so it's interesting you

0:39:00.720,0:39:05.440

spoke about feeling ashamed with your

0:39:04.079,0:39:08.480

decision to

0:39:05.440,0:39:10.560

to take a triple dose can you talk more

0:39:08.480,0:39:13.680

about that please

0:39:10.560,0:39:17.680

mostly i felt ashamed because of

0:39:13.680,0:39:18.800

i was lying i was telling lies to my

0:39:17.680,0:39:22.880

family

0:39:18.800,0:39:25.920

to my husband and when

0:39:22.880,0:39:30.000

i reached 12 weeks of the pregnancy

0:39:25.920,0:39:30.000

i started to lie to

0:39:30.079,0:39:35.200

my midwife so yeah i was lying to people

0:39:34.160,0:39:39.040

around me

0:39:35.200,0:39:42.880

all the time and it was a really bad

0:39:39.040,0:39:42.880

feeling and i was ashamed and

0:39:43.200,0:39:46.640

i was thinking what if something bad

0:39:45.119,0:39:50.320

happens it will be

0:39:46.640,0:39:54.079

my fault if something bad happens

0:39:50.320,0:39:57.200

yes those are the reasons

0:39:54.079,0:39:58.560

yeah it's difficult to to have those to

0:39:57.200,0:39:59.760

have that all flowing through you as

0:39:58.560,0:40:01.040

well where you're meant to be feeling

0:39:59.760,0:40:02.720

happy that something

0:40:01.040,0:40:04.160

something that you wanted has happened

0:40:02.720,0:40:06.880

and

0:40:04.160,0:40:09.119

just yeah it's like that we're back on

0:40:06.880,0:40:11.040

the roller coaster

0:40:09.119,0:40:12.240

all of is emotions all of us yeah we're

0:40:11.040,0:40:15.839

coming with you this time

0:40:12.240,0:40:18.000

feels like um and it's just

0:40:15.839,0:40:19.839

yeah it's really it's sorry go on i've

0:40:18.000,0:40:21.359

interrupted but yeah

0:40:19.839,0:40:24.640

can you think of any of the lies that

0:40:21.359,0:40:28.160

you you had to tell

0:40:24.640,0:40:30.880

well people asked me how

0:40:28.160,0:40:32.640

i got pregnant because i am very open

0:40:30.880,0:40:36.160

with my infertility

0:40:32.640,0:40:39.040

so people around me my friends family

0:40:36.160,0:40:39.839

people that i work with they know that

0:40:39.040,0:40:41.760

they know the

0:40:39.839,0:40:43.280

how much we struggle and what we are

0:40:41.760,0:40:45.760

going through

0:40:43.280,0:40:46.319

so when i was meeting people and they

0:40:45.760,0:40:49.200

learned

0:40:46.319,0:40:49.599

i was pregnant and they asked asked me

0:40:49.200,0:40:52.640

how

0:40:49.599,0:40:56.000

did you get pregnant was it ivf

0:40:52.640,0:40:59.599

or what was it what was it and i was

0:40:56.000,0:41:02.720

telling and half life i didn't mention

0:40:59.599,0:41:06.000

letter soul but i did tell them about

0:41:02.720,0:41:08.400

the injection and told them i

0:41:06.000,0:41:09.200

wasn't sure that the egg was going to

0:41:08.400,0:41:12.079

release so

0:41:09.200,0:41:14.640

i took the injection to make sure they

0:41:12.079,0:41:18.319

released and then i got pregnant

0:41:14.640,0:41:22.480

so that was what i was telling people

0:41:18.319,0:41:25.599

what made you what made you want to

0:41:22.480,0:41:28.079

not be open with your husband in the

0:41:25.599,0:41:31.119

first place

0:41:28.079,0:41:34.800

uh mostly because i was

0:41:31.119,0:41:37.440

afraid that he was going to say no

0:41:34.800,0:41:39.200

not without the doctors we shouldn't do

0:41:37.440,0:41:42.720

anything without the doctors

0:41:39.200,0:41:46.160

it's too risky because

0:41:42.720,0:41:48.800

he's a very safe person

0:41:46.160,0:41:50.400

he wants everything to be safe and fine

0:41:48.800,0:41:53.760

and he is uh

0:41:50.400,0:41:54.400

worried that i would get hurt in some

0:41:53.760,0:41:57.119

way

0:41:54.400,0:41:58.560

sure does he tend to stick to the to the

0:41:57.119,0:42:02.160

rules and the guidelines

0:41:58.560,0:42:04.319

as much as possible yes yeah

0:42:02.160,0:42:06.000

i could very much really like that oh

0:42:04.319,0:42:08.720

yeah i certainly am are you like that

0:42:06.000,0:42:11.359

ryan did you see that

0:42:08.720,0:42:12.400

um in certain parts and like obviously

0:42:11.359,0:42:15.359

we've had this year

0:42:12.400,0:42:16.240

and i've stuck to every rule we've been

0:42:15.359,0:42:19.280

we've been given

0:42:16.240,0:42:22.240

uh thanks covered yeah thanks

0:42:19.280,0:42:23.839

um i'm just i think when it when it

0:42:22.240,0:42:27.200

comes to health and safety

0:42:23.839,0:42:29.760

and risk assessment i'm pretty

0:42:27.200,0:42:30.880

pretty uh strict with that especially

0:42:29.760,0:42:33.200

since having children

0:42:30.880,0:42:37.040

um risk assess i seem to risk assess

0:42:33.200,0:42:37.040

everything no this room is unsafe

0:42:37.119,0:42:42.640

um but yeah um probably not in

0:42:40.880,0:42:44.160

general life i'm a bit haphazard in

0:42:42.640,0:42:45.760

general life from a

0:42:44.160,0:42:47.200

fly by the seats of your pants kind of

0:42:45.760,0:42:49.359

guy but

0:42:47.200,0:42:50.800

um and when it comes to the help

0:42:49.359,0:42:52.640

especially with my wife i

0:42:50.800,0:42:54.480

will be like no you will take care of

0:42:52.640,0:42:56.000

yourself and then we will work on the

0:42:54.480,0:42:58.720

rest after that

0:42:56.000,0:43:00.079

so um yeah i can relate to that that

0:42:58.720,0:43:03.200

side of it

0:43:00.079,0:43:06.800

okay take us through

0:43:03.200,0:43:08.640

the the next part of your of your ivf

0:43:06.800,0:43:12.880

journey then please tell us

0:43:08.640,0:43:16.319

yeah so uh now i am pregnant

0:43:12.880,0:43:18.400

um and here in sweden in not

0:43:16.319,0:43:19.680

all radions here's the difference

0:43:18.400,0:43:22.720

between

0:43:19.680,0:43:26.319

trying for a baby and

0:43:22.720,0:43:27.200

doing the ivf and being pregnant in my

0:43:26.319,0:43:30.720

region

0:43:27.200,0:43:35.520

you everyone can do the tests

0:43:30.720,0:43:38.960

in week 12 they do the first ultrasound

0:43:35.520,0:43:42.160

and they take the blood samples to

0:43:38.960,0:43:43.760

see if there are any abnormalities in

0:43:42.160,0:43:46.319

the baby

0:43:43.760,0:43:47.920

so we did that and i was really scared

0:43:46.319,0:43:50.319

because oh my god what if

0:43:47.920,0:43:52.319

there is two babies because of the

0:43:50.319,0:43:54.319

letter soul i was really scared about

0:43:52.319,0:43:59.119

that

0:43:54.319,0:44:01.359

there was only one baby and

0:43:59.119,0:44:02.400

the baby was doing fine what they could

0:44:01.359,0:44:05.440

see

0:44:02.400,0:44:09.040

it was a little smaller than what

0:44:05.440,0:44:11.839

i had expected from

0:44:09.040,0:44:12.319

the dates i was uh having in my mind

0:44:11.839,0:44:14.720

when i

0:44:12.319,0:44:16.319

was when the overwatch happened and the

0:44:14.720,0:44:19.359

pregnancy and all that

0:44:16.319,0:44:19.680

and but that was just a couple of days

0:44:19.359,0:44:22.880

0:44:19.680,0:44:26.000

okay i can be wrong

0:44:22.880,0:44:28.160

and they didn't share with us the result

0:44:26.000,0:44:30.880

of the tests uh the numbers

0:44:28.160,0:44:31.280

and they only do that when they see

0:44:30.880,0:44:34.560

there

0:44:31.280,0:44:36.480

that there is a risk of down syndrome or

0:44:34.560,0:44:39.599

anything like that

0:44:36.480,0:44:42.880

so they didn't share anything and

0:44:39.599,0:44:46.480

we continued with everything

0:44:42.880,0:44:51.040

so we can skip to week 18

0:44:46.480,0:44:54.960

and when we had our second ultrasound

0:44:51.040,0:44:58.720

and this is uh for the old of sweden

0:44:54.960,0:45:01.599

you have an ultrasound in week 18.

0:44:58.720,0:45:02.720

and this is a big ultrasound where they

0:45:01.599,0:45:05.040

are

0:45:02.720,0:45:06.480

really shaking the baby how the baby is

0:45:05.040,0:45:09.520

doing uh

0:45:06.480,0:45:10.000

are there is there a brain is the heart

0:45:09.520,0:45:12.720

there

0:45:10.000,0:45:14.000

and the feet and arms everything it's

0:45:12.720,0:45:17.920

really important

0:45:14.000,0:45:20.000

here to you do that and this ultrasound

0:45:17.920,0:45:23.839

started really good

0:45:20.000,0:45:28.560

and everything looked fine

0:45:23.839,0:45:32.560

and then we got to see the feet

0:45:28.560,0:45:33.520

on the baby and that was really really

0:45:32.560,0:45:37.040

scary

0:45:33.520,0:45:38.960

uh for us we knew right away that

0:45:37.040,0:45:42.640

something was wrong when we

0:45:38.960,0:45:45.440

got to see the feet the feet was twisted

0:45:42.640,0:45:46.720

if if defeaters are supposed like to go

0:45:45.440,0:45:50.160

straight like this

0:45:46.720,0:45:50.160

they were turned in like this

0:45:50.319,0:45:56.079

so in our minds this was oh my god

0:45:53.440,0:45:59.280

what's wrong what is this why is the

0:45:56.079,0:46:02.079

feet looking like that on the baby

0:45:59.280,0:46:03.040

the midwife who was doing the ultrasound

0:46:02.079,0:46:06.400

she was

0:46:03.040,0:46:09.839

really good she was calm she didn't

0:46:06.400,0:46:12.960

show any feelings any emotions

0:46:09.839,0:46:13.440

so she finished the ultrasound and then

0:46:12.960,0:46:17.760

she

0:46:13.440,0:46:21.280

said to us and as you could see the feet

0:46:17.760,0:46:26.480

was twisted in swedish we call it

0:46:21.280,0:46:26.480

clump fault twisted feet and

0:46:26.640,0:46:31.520

and this is nothing to be worried about

0:46:29.520,0:46:33.520

it's a simple procedure

0:46:31.520,0:46:35.839

when the baby is born to make sure the

0:46:33.520,0:46:38.880

feet is uh straight again

0:46:35.839,0:46:39.440

it will take some time but the baby will

0:46:38.880,0:46:43.040

0:46:39.440,0:46:46.240

fine but uh we need

0:46:43.040,0:46:47.920

to make sure that there is nothing else

0:46:46.240,0:46:50.240

wrong with the baby

0:46:47.920,0:46:51.119

so you will give be given an extra

0:46:50.240,0:46:53.920

ultrasound

0:46:51.119,0:46:54.720

and this time there will be an

0:46:53.920,0:46:58.319

specialist

0:46:54.720,0:47:01.680

doctor that will make the ultrasound

0:46:58.319,0:47:04.800

and you will do it at the hospital

0:47:01.680,0:47:07.920

so we waited a week

0:47:04.800,0:47:10.960

and we went to the hospital and we

0:47:07.920,0:47:14.000

did the ultrasound and

0:47:10.960,0:47:17.440

everything was fine also there and

0:47:14.000,0:47:19.760

this ultrasound was scary in an

0:47:17.440,0:47:21.200

another way it's a little bit funny

0:47:19.760,0:47:24.640

because

0:47:21.200,0:47:27.359

he was making sure the face was

0:47:24.640,0:47:28.000

fine on the baby that nothing was wrong

0:47:27.359,0:47:31.920

there

0:47:28.000,0:47:35.520

so we got to see the skeleton the skull

0:47:31.920,0:47:39.839

and that was not nice to see

0:47:35.520,0:47:39.839

it was like you see a pirate's flag

0:47:41.200,0:47:47.440

it's a good comparison yeah like really

0:47:44.480,0:47:47.440

visual i can imagine

0:47:47.760,0:47:52.160

but apart from that the the doctor he

0:47:50.800,0:47:54.800

told us that

0:47:52.160,0:47:56.480

you have a handsome baby this will be

0:47:54.800,0:47:59.040

fine

0:47:56.480,0:47:59.839

i can't i can't see anything more wrong

0:47:59.040,0:48:02.000

than the feet

0:47:59.839,0:48:03.359

so i don't think that you should do

0:48:02.000,0:48:07.040

anything more now

0:48:03.359,0:48:10.480

than go home relax enjoy your pregnancy

0:48:07.040,0:48:13.680

and i wish you good luck and that was

0:48:10.480,0:48:16.800

it so okay

0:48:13.680,0:48:19.119

fine he also

0:48:16.800,0:48:20.319

asked if he wanted to have an extra

0:48:19.119,0:48:24.319

ultrasound in week

0:48:20.319,0:48:26.240

34 just because of the feet and

0:48:24.319,0:48:27.359

of course i wanted to see my baby one

0:48:26.240,0:48:30.720

more time

0:48:27.359,0:48:33.920

before the birth

0:48:30.720,0:48:34.800

and he also said i will send your

0:48:33.920,0:48:37.839

information

0:48:34.800,0:48:40.160

to a doctor that will

0:48:37.839,0:48:41.520

give you information about what to do

0:48:40.160,0:48:44.319

when the baby is born

0:48:41.520,0:48:45.119

with the feet and then you will have a

0:48:44.319,0:48:47.680

time and

0:48:45.119,0:48:48.960

to sit down with this doctor and this

0:48:47.680,0:48:51.680

doctor is

0:48:48.960,0:48:52.319

a very very good doctor he has all the

0:48:51.680,0:48:55.760

babies

0:48:52.319,0:48:59.440

in our region so he handles a lot of

0:48:55.760,0:49:02.559

those cases every year so

0:48:59.440,0:49:05.200

yeah we went home and

0:49:02.559,0:49:06.800

continued and now we are approaching

0:49:05.200,0:49:09.839

christmas

0:49:06.800,0:49:13.599

and what i failed to uh

0:49:09.839,0:49:16.720

tell you before is that my older sister

0:49:13.599,0:49:21.920

she is six weeks before me

0:49:16.720,0:49:25.119

in her pregnancy at the same time

0:49:21.920,0:49:28.000

so to meet her in christmas was really

0:49:25.119,0:49:31.280

exciting we compared our

0:49:28.000,0:49:34.160

baby bumps i was

0:49:31.280,0:49:35.920

a little bit bigger than her even though

0:49:34.160,0:49:39.760

she was uh

0:49:35.920,0:49:42.000

six weeks right before me yeah yeah

0:49:39.760,0:49:42.960

so we were laughing about that my family

0:49:42.000,0:49:46.160

was teasing me

0:49:42.960,0:49:47.680

oh you're so big are you sure it's not

0:49:46.160,0:49:49.920

twins

0:49:47.680,0:49:52.240

yes i am sure there's no queen pizza

0:49:49.920,0:49:55.359

it's only one

0:49:52.240,0:49:59.280

and we were talking about

0:49:55.359,0:50:02.640

the gender of the baby

0:49:59.280,0:50:06.160

we didn't want to know the baby's gender

0:50:02.640,0:50:09.359

we wanted to wait until birth and

0:50:06.160,0:50:10.559

this also for my sister and her

0:50:09.359,0:50:14.880

boyfriend

0:50:10.559,0:50:17.359

but they had the feeling because

0:50:14.880,0:50:18.160

their ultrasound the midwife

0:50:17.359,0:50:21.440

accidentally

0:50:18.160,0:50:23.760

showed some parts oops

0:50:21.440,0:50:25.359

and i looked at her and i said you're

0:50:23.760,0:50:28.559

going to have a baby girl

0:50:25.359,0:50:29.680

and i am going to have a baby girl i i

0:50:28.559,0:50:33.599

hate this feeling

0:50:29.680,0:50:37.200

that we were both for having girls

0:50:33.599,0:50:40.880

after christmas i started to feel ill

0:50:37.200,0:50:43.760

um i was feeling

0:50:40.880,0:50:46.240

nauseous more than i had early in the

0:50:43.760,0:50:46.240

pregnancy

0:50:46.319,0:50:50.480

and when i went to see my midwife on the

0:50:49.520,0:50:54.960

checkups

0:50:50.480,0:50:58.160

and i gave her the urine sample and she

0:50:54.960,0:50:58.640

could see that i was leaking protein and

0:50:58.160,0:51:03.200

this is

0:50:58.640,0:51:06.400

a indication of preeclampsia

0:51:03.200,0:51:08.079

so she checked my

0:51:06.400,0:51:10.160

blood pressure and stuff like that to

0:51:08.079,0:51:13.599

make sure i didn't get

0:51:10.160,0:51:16.640

preeclampsia so i started

0:51:13.599,0:51:17.280

also to get a little scared what if i

0:51:16.640,0:51:19.920

have that

0:51:17.280,0:51:23.839

because i know how dangerous this is

0:51:19.920,0:51:23.839

what what is precapsule

0:51:24.240,0:51:30.480

i i can't tell you in english

0:51:27.280,0:51:33.599

okay actually i'm just looking now

0:51:30.480,0:51:34.400

yeah um go do that i think i'll chip in

0:51:33.599,0:51:37.440

here it's

0:51:34.400,0:51:38.960

i'm just reading this from the internet

0:51:37.440,0:51:41.040

it's a condition that affects some

0:51:38.960,0:51:42.960

pregnant woman usually during the second

0:51:41.040,0:51:47.760

half of pregnancy

0:51:42.960,0:51:47.760

uh or soon after the baby is delivered

0:51:48.839,0:51:54.240

symptoms

0:51:51.119,0:51:56.960

can include high blood pressure protein

0:51:54.240,0:52:00.000

in your urine which you mentioned

0:51:56.960,0:52:00.480

um you can have swelling of the feet

0:52:00.000,0:52:03.520

hand

0:52:00.480,0:52:07.200

ankles headaches vision problems

0:52:03.520,0:52:11.760

okay so symptoms that would affect

0:52:07.200,0:52:14.960

you as opposed to the child yeah okay

0:52:11.760,0:52:18.079

and if it continues it can be

0:52:14.960,0:52:21.520

fatal both for the baby and the mother

0:52:18.079,0:52:24.880

so they needed to really

0:52:21.520,0:52:27.440

have a close eye on me because i did

0:52:24.880,0:52:29.359

have high blood pressure i had the

0:52:27.440,0:52:32.960

protein in my urine

0:52:29.359,0:52:35.760

and i did have my feet swelling

0:52:32.960,0:52:37.760

and also i noticed that my on the lip

0:52:35.760,0:52:40.880

was swelling some morning

0:52:37.760,0:52:41.440

and then um during the day it calmed

0:52:40.880,0:52:44.319

down

0:52:41.440,0:52:46.319

to the normal size is that a symptom of

0:52:44.319,0:52:49.680

preeclampsia the lips yeah

0:52:46.319,0:52:52.559

i wasn't aware of that it can be

0:52:49.680,0:52:54.400

and for on me it was it was an early

0:52:52.559,0:52:58.000

sign

0:52:54.400,0:53:01.119

um and then in

0:52:58.000,0:53:04.480

week 32 i think it was

0:53:01.119,0:53:07.920

i started to have contractions

0:53:04.480,0:53:09.520

and at first i didn't feel the

0:53:07.920,0:53:13.599

contractions i did have

0:53:09.520,0:53:16.720

some conjunctions just one at a time

0:53:13.599,0:53:18.079

and that i knew was normal because the

0:53:16.720,0:53:22.160

body is preparing for

0:53:18.079,0:53:24.800

birth so i wasn't concerned about this

0:53:22.160,0:53:26.559

but i had to go in for a checkup because

0:53:24.800,0:53:29.920

0:53:26.559,0:53:33.200

my blood pressure and stuff like that so

0:53:29.920,0:53:36.640

when i was there to

0:53:33.200,0:53:39.920

legal these tests and shake up

0:53:36.640,0:53:43.280

and they noticed that stuff

0:53:39.920,0:53:46.319

they didn't tell me right away but

0:53:43.280,0:53:49.599

they called the the delivery unit

0:53:46.319,0:53:53.119

in the hospital and told them that

0:53:49.599,0:53:56.480

i had to go there and do some more

0:53:53.119,0:54:01.359

tests so they told me you go out there

0:53:56.480,0:54:03.920

they know that you're coming and

0:54:01.359,0:54:05.200

they do the tests and then they will

0:54:03.920,0:54:09.040

help you

0:54:05.200,0:54:12.400

and when i was came there they put this

0:54:09.040,0:54:14.880

ctg on me to listen to the baby's

0:54:12.400,0:54:17.599

heartbeating and to monitor this

0:54:14.880,0:54:18.160

during the time of star what i didn't

0:54:17.599,0:54:21.280

know

0:54:18.160,0:54:24.319

at first was that they also monitored

0:54:21.280,0:54:25.920

that i had contractions i didn't feel

0:54:24.319,0:54:28.559

them at first

0:54:25.920,0:54:29.920

but one midwife came in to me when i was

0:54:28.559,0:54:32.559

lying there and listening

0:54:29.920,0:54:33.440

to the heart video of the baby and she

0:54:32.559,0:54:36.160

asked me

0:54:33.440,0:54:36.720

do you feel the contractions i looked at

0:54:36.160,0:54:40.240

her and

0:54:36.720,0:54:42.720

no i don't feel any contractions

0:54:40.240,0:54:44.240

well you do have contractions and she

0:54:42.720,0:54:45.839

showed me on the screen that

0:54:44.240,0:54:48.079

hear the heartbeat and here are your

0:54:45.839,0:54:52.640

contractions

0:54:48.079,0:54:53.760

after that i felt the contractions okay

0:54:52.640,0:54:56.240

is that because you were aware of them

0:54:53.760,0:54:58.799

now or they just got worse

0:54:56.240,0:55:00.559

or both i think yeah it was both they

0:54:58.799,0:55:03.599

got worse and i knew

0:55:00.559,0:55:04.799

what this was i was feeling right yeah

0:55:03.599,0:55:07.920

it was explained to you

0:55:04.799,0:55:10.559

yeah so they told me um

0:55:07.920,0:55:12.160

because of the contractions contractions

0:55:10.559,0:55:15.760

you are

0:55:12.160,0:55:18.640

in danger of premature premature birth

0:55:15.760,0:55:19.280

so we are going to send you to nurse

0:55:18.640,0:55:21.839

shopping

0:55:19.280,0:55:23.760

i was in lean shopping at the time those

0:55:21.839,0:55:28.160

cities are pretty close to each other

0:55:23.760,0:55:29.839

and cooperate and because of that it was

0:55:28.160,0:55:31.359

still pretty early in the pregnancy i

0:55:29.839,0:55:35.520

was going to end up in

0:55:31.359,0:55:39.040

the neo-natal if the baby was

0:55:35.520,0:55:40.319

born and lean shopping is a educational

0:55:39.040,0:55:42.640

hospital

0:55:40.319,0:55:43.359

so they have babies there that are born

0:55:42.640,0:55:47.440

from week

0:55:43.359,0:55:50.799

22. wow so they didn't have a

0:55:47.440,0:55:53.200

space for me and my baby so they sent me

0:55:50.799,0:55:56.000

to nor shopping

0:55:53.200,0:55:57.920

and that is my birth city so that was

0:55:56.000,0:55:59.359

fine i knew the city i knew the hospital

0:55:57.920,0:56:02.000

there

0:55:59.359,0:56:03.200

so i called my husband because he wasn't

0:56:02.000,0:56:06.400

with me that day

0:56:03.200,0:56:09.760

he was at home relaxing so

0:56:06.400,0:56:12.720

good for him okay good for him

0:56:09.760,0:56:14.839

yeah you're going through other testing

0:56:12.720,0:56:16.880

he's just

0:56:14.839,0:56:19.520

yeah i did let him

0:56:16.880,0:56:21.200

be home relaxing i was because he had

0:56:19.520,0:56:23.440

worked there

0:56:21.200,0:56:23.440

okay

0:56:26.160,0:56:32.240

yeah we went in our shopping and i was

0:56:28.880,0:56:35.040

given those injections to make sure

0:56:32.240,0:56:35.680

they were stopping the contractions and

0:56:35.040,0:56:38.720

also

0:56:35.680,0:56:41.839

to make sure the baby's lungs

0:56:38.720,0:56:46.720

were developed quickly if

0:56:41.839,0:56:46.720

the baby was going to be coming out

0:56:46.799,0:56:52.720

and we spent the weekend in our shopping

0:56:49.839,0:56:53.119

and then we could go home but they told

0:56:52.720,0:56:55.119

0:56:53.119,0:56:57.920

you are not working anymore because i

0:56:55.119,0:56:58.880

had still planned on working one more

0:56:57.920,0:57:02.400

week and then

0:56:58.880,0:57:05.040

be home on mater alternatively

0:57:02.400,0:57:07.200

so i was yeah fine it's only one week i

0:57:05.040,0:57:10.559

can be home

0:57:07.200,0:57:12.000

uh so i was home relaxing not doing

0:57:10.559,0:57:15.119

anything because i

0:57:12.000,0:57:18.160

they did tell me to not cook not

0:57:15.119,0:57:18.720

clean not doing laundry my husband had

0:57:18.160,0:57:21.359

to do

0:57:18.720,0:57:24.799

all those my father doesn't do those

0:57:21.359,0:57:24.799

things either and she's not pregnant

0:57:25.680,0:57:28.480

i was just wondering if there's a way

0:57:26.960,0:57:30.799

that i could get a doctor's note to not

0:57:28.480,0:57:30.799

do this

0:57:31.200,0:57:35.200

yeah that is we prayed exactly

0:57:35.680,0:57:39.599

ryan if i was pregnant i would be

0:57:37.599,0:57:43.280

wanting a lot more

0:57:39.599,0:57:47.200

attention for that um yes

0:57:43.280,0:57:50.240

and money well

0:57:47.200,0:57:54.240

yeah so that week i was home i

0:57:50.240,0:57:57.839

came into week 33 and

0:57:54.240,0:58:01.040

monday when i came into week 34

0:57:57.839,0:58:02.400

that was the day we had our extra

0:58:01.040,0:58:04.960

ultrasound

0:58:02.400,0:58:06.640

and we also met the doctor about the

0:58:04.960,0:58:09.599

baby's feet

0:58:06.640,0:58:10.960

and i had another checkup because of my

0:58:09.599,0:58:14.000

blood pressure and

0:58:10.960,0:58:15.760

now i was eating medication to make it

0:58:14.000,0:58:18.480

go down

0:58:15.760,0:58:20.160

so my blood pressure had gone gone down

0:58:18.480,0:58:23.040

so that was good

0:58:20.160,0:58:23.599

and the doctor explained about the how

0:58:23.040,0:58:26.319

they

0:58:23.599,0:58:27.920

do with the feet of the baby when it's

0:58:26.319,0:58:31.200

born

0:58:27.920,0:58:34.640

and then we went for

0:58:31.200,0:58:38.079

our last ultrasound and

0:58:34.640,0:58:38.480

this time it was a female doctor with

0:58:38.079,0:58:41.440

her

0:58:38.480,0:58:41.839

students so they were too dark and it

0:58:41.440,0:58:45.760

was an

0:58:41.839,0:58:48.559

educational moment for the students

0:58:45.760,0:58:49.440

and i was just laying there on the bed

0:58:48.559,0:58:53.920

relaxing

0:58:49.440,0:58:57.599

enjoying seeing my baby one more time

0:58:53.920,0:59:00.799

and she checked the brain

0:58:57.599,0:59:03.520

the heart liver the

0:59:00.799,0:59:05.040

kidneys to make sure everything was

0:59:03.520,0:59:08.319

functional

0:59:05.040,0:59:10.880

and she could see urine in

0:59:08.319,0:59:12.160

the bladder of the baby so she told us

0:59:10.880,0:59:15.680

that this is good

0:59:12.160,0:59:16.720

if you can see this and then she shake

0:59:15.680,0:59:19.839

the brain again

0:59:16.720,0:59:20.240

and the heart again and this was when i

0:59:19.839,0:59:23.520

was

0:59:20.240,0:59:26.559

starting to feel something is wrong

0:59:23.520,0:59:27.359

and then she she checked the brain and

0:59:26.559,0:59:31.040

the heart

0:59:27.359,0:59:34.319

a third time and this time

0:59:31.040,0:59:38.000

it was like i had this really cold

0:59:34.319,0:59:38.559

hand ice cold hand taking a hold of my

0:59:38.000,0:59:41.040

heart

0:59:38.559,0:59:42.319

and squeezing really really hard a

0:59:41.040,0:59:47.760

feeling of dread

0:59:42.319,0:59:50.799

yes something is wrong what is wrong

0:59:47.760,0:59:54.880

and he also started

0:59:50.799,0:59:56.319

speaking talking and showing us what she

0:59:54.880,0:59:59.520

was looking at

0:59:56.319,1:00:00.000

and she grew quiet so this was also an

0:59:59.520,1:00:02.400

indication

1:00:00.000,1:00:03.599

that something was wrong yeah when the

1:00:02.400,1:00:06.160

doctor started to stop

1:00:03.599,1:00:07.040

talking that's a severe worry sometimes

1:00:06.160,1:00:10.319

yeah

1:00:07.040,1:00:11.520

yeah but we waited we didn't say

1:00:10.319,1:00:14.559

anything

1:00:11.520,1:00:17.680

and she finished and she asked us to

1:00:14.559,1:00:21.839

sit down at her desk so

1:00:17.680,1:00:25.359

she could read in my journal

1:00:21.839,1:00:28.720

do you see journal yeah and your notes

1:00:25.359,1:00:31.040

maybe notes yeah thank you

1:00:28.720,1:00:32.480

so she was reading in my notes to see

1:00:31.040,1:00:34.640

what has been

1:00:32.480,1:00:35.599

happening before in the pregnancy and

1:00:34.640,1:00:38.720

what they have

1:00:35.599,1:00:39.119

written and stuff like that and then she

1:00:38.720,1:00:42.720

told

1:00:39.119,1:00:45.839

us it's a lot of shadows

1:00:42.720,1:00:49.599

where the head of the baby is laying so

1:00:45.839,1:00:52.640

i am not sure but what i can see

1:00:49.599,1:00:56.640

is that there is a lot of fluids

1:00:52.640,1:01:00.640

in the ventricular trickles in the brain

1:00:56.640,1:01:04.960

and there is too much fluid the limit is

1:01:00.640,1:01:09.040

11 no 10 millimeters and i

1:01:04.960,1:01:12.880

can see it is 11 millimeters

1:01:09.040,1:01:16.240

so that made us really really anxious

1:01:12.880,1:01:19.520

and scared and she said to us that

1:01:16.240,1:01:23.359

there could be nothing and you also

1:01:19.520,1:01:25.040

have a lot of fluid there is too much

1:01:23.359,1:01:28.640

fluid

1:01:25.040,1:01:31.680

in your in the stomach

1:01:28.640,1:01:33.839

so um what we can do is we can drain

1:01:31.680,1:01:34.559

some fluids to make it easier for you

1:01:33.839,1:01:37.200

the last

1:01:34.559,1:01:38.160

couple of weeks in your pregnancy and i

1:01:37.200,1:01:41.200

will talk with

1:01:38.160,1:01:42.079

my colleagues and the other doctors and

1:01:41.200,1:01:45.280

ask

1:01:42.079,1:01:49.280

if we're maybe doing a

1:01:45.280,1:01:52.640

scan of the baby to see what is wrong

1:01:49.280,1:01:54.240

we will be in touch with you later this

1:01:52.640,1:01:57.039

week

1:01:54.240,1:01:58.400

and then we were given a disappointment

1:01:57.039,1:02:01.520

to come back

1:01:58.400,1:02:04.799

on the friday to drain some fluid

1:02:01.520,1:02:04.799

and then we went home

1:02:05.039,1:02:12.480

and uh that evening my sister called me

1:02:09.280,1:02:15.119

she had her baby that weekend so

1:02:12.480,1:02:16.000

we talked about her the birth of her

1:02:15.119,1:02:20.000

baby girl

1:02:16.000,1:02:23.119

i was right colder

1:02:20.000,1:02:26.480

and i didn't uh

1:02:23.119,1:02:29.359

want to share my uh anxious

1:02:26.480,1:02:29.839

my the feelings with her because she

1:02:29.359,1:02:33.599

wasn't

1:02:29.839,1:02:36.240

a newborn had a newborn at home so

1:02:33.599,1:02:37.920

at first i didn't want to say anything

1:02:36.240,1:02:42.079

but when she asked me how i

1:02:37.920,1:02:44.400

was doing how the ultrasound had gone

1:02:42.079,1:02:45.119

i told her that we were really scared i

1:02:44.400,1:02:49.280

told her

1:02:45.119,1:02:52.079

how it had been what had went down there

1:02:49.280,1:02:52.799

and the bigger sis the big sister she is

1:02:52.079,1:02:56.160

she was

1:02:52.799,1:02:57.039

trying to calm me down there is nothing

1:02:56.160,1:02:59.680

to worry

1:02:57.039,1:03:00.480

11 millimeters it's so tiny there's

1:02:59.680,1:03:03.920

nothing to

1:03:00.480,1:03:07.920

be worried about just trust the doctors

1:03:03.920,1:03:07.920

they will make sure everything is fine

1:03:08.160,1:03:11.920

i got pretty upset i got angry at her i

1:03:11.440,1:03:15.200

was

1:03:11.920,1:03:19.039

you have your baby your baby is healthy

1:03:15.200,1:03:21.920

don't talk down to me

1:03:19.039,1:03:23.839

don't make my feelings about this

1:03:21.920,1:03:25.839

invalid

1:03:23.839,1:03:27.599

but i didn't say this because i didn't

1:03:25.839,1:03:30.240

want us to start an

1:03:27.599,1:03:31.839

argument so it was uh thank you for

1:03:30.240,1:03:35.280

listening to me

1:03:31.839,1:03:35.280

and then we ended the call

1:03:36.720,1:03:40.000

yeah very difficult obviously you're

1:03:38.400,1:03:41.920

going through that and

1:03:40.000,1:03:43.599

having seen somebody get to the end of

1:03:41.920,1:03:45.280

the completion of their baby

1:03:43.599,1:03:46.880

arriving i can understand the emotions

1:03:45.280,1:03:47.839

you must have been going through i just

1:03:46.880,1:03:49.440

i just imagine

1:03:47.839,1:03:51.599

i don't know if i could quite understand

1:03:49.440,1:03:52.960

but um

1:03:51.599,1:03:55.039

it sounds like it we're doing a tough

1:03:52.960,1:03:58.400

difficult time yeah

1:03:55.039,1:04:01.440

because yeah again this horrible

1:03:58.400,1:04:04.960

blindfold the rollercoaster

1:04:01.440,1:04:04.960

uh it was back again

1:04:05.440,1:04:13.520

yeah uh we never came to friday

1:04:09.359,1:04:17.680

uh we are in february february now

1:04:13.520,1:04:20.000

at the beginning uh on tuesday

1:04:17.680,1:04:20.880

i went in to lean shopping to have a

1:04:20.000,1:04:23.839

massage and

1:04:20.880,1:04:25.760

cut my hair because i think it was

1:04:23.839,1:04:28.960

getting too long

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