On this episode of the Meant 4 More podcast I was joined by my co-conspirator in coaching, Kristin Leazer. We dove into healing and specifically, coming to terms with your past.
We talked about a new way to look at Trauma; It’s not just a deeply catastrophic event. It can be a culmination of micro-traumas. Some signs of trauma may be:
- If you do not have strong memories of your childhood, this is an indicator of trauma (not of grand scale, but micro-traumas). We have more feeling memories than actual memories
- We disengage to not deal (this is coping), but the body keeps score
- More on this next month
- Questions to ask yourself:
- If nothing “traumatic” happened to me, why can’t I remember most of my childhood?
- Why do I have such a hard time connecting with and taking care of myself emotionally?
- Why do I constantly betray myself?
Trauma at any level affects us all. Sometimes we cannot pinpoint a specific event - its a culmination of micro-traumas
Common ways trauma manifests:
- Perfectionism
- Overachieving
- Substance abuse
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Lack of confidence
- Low self-worth
- Obsession with being viewed a certain way
- Problematic relationship behaviors
- Stuckness
New definition of Trauma
When we consistently betrayed ourselves for love, were consistently treated in a way that made us feel unworthy or unacceptable, we severed connection to authentic self. Trauma creates the fundamental belief that we must betray who we are in order to survive
Childhood Conditioning:
Conditioning: beliefs and behaviors are unconsciously imprinted onto us
- We learn what is modeled to us
- Watching children this is clear
- How our parents engaged in their reality is often how we engage in ours
- We have to learn to witness ourselves and our loved ones
- Many of us never stop to think: Is this really me?
- Identifying your wounding is critical in the healing journey
- Recognize that how. Parent treated you as a child is not a reflection of who you are or even who they are.
- The first step to healing is awareness
The Archetypes of Childhood Trauma:
Having a parent who denies your reality
“It didn’t happen that way”
“It’s not a big deal”
“You should just forget about it”
How did this make you feel?
Having a parent that does not see or hear you
They always seemed distracted or busy, or otherwise made you feel unacknowledged
How did you try to get their attention?
Did you “perform” “act out” or become withdrawn?
Having a parent who vicariously lives through you or molds and shapes you
“You’re so sensitive like your mother”
“You need to get straight As to make the family proud”
Were you as impassioned and committed to those goals as they were or did you simply go through the motions?
What messages did you receive about yourself as a child? What did your parents want or expect of you?
Having a parent who does not model boundaries
Parents who violated your personal limits or those of others, or didn’t have boundaries
Did you feel free to say “no?”
Were you told to behave a certain way?
Did you parents set clear limits on their time, energy and resources in their relationships?
Did your parents respect your privacy or invade it?
Did your parents allow you to have conversations or experiences with others without inserting themselves into them?
Having a parent who is overly focused on appearance
They provided direct and indirect messages about our appearance
“You should wear your hair down”
“Your thighs are getting bigger”
“Do you really think it’s a good idea to have seconds?”
“You’d look a lot better if you didn’t have clothes like that”
Sometimes these statements may have been directed at others
What are the messages you received around appearance?
Having a parent who cannot regulate their emotions
We learn by watching our parents
When your parents had strong emotions, how did they respond?
Slam doors
Vent
Scream
Silent treatment
Did your parents have a specific coping strategy?
Spending
Use substances
Avoid certain or all emotions
When they had strong emotions how did they communicate with you or those around them?
Name-calling
Blaming
Shaming
Silent treatment
After strong feelings, did your parents take time to explain or help you process your own feelings around what happened?
What messages did you receive about feelings in general or your feelings in particular?
Coping with our Trauma:
Common coping strategies:
People pleasing - once you meet the demand, the stress is temporarily gone
Anger or rage - discharge emotion onto someone else to release it
Dissociation - you “leave your body” during a stressful event so that you “don’t” experience it
The Potential for Change:
It’s not the severity of the trauma, but our reaction to it that leaves an imprint. Resilience is learned through conditioning. If we didn’t see something modeled by your parents we may have never learned it. When we do the work of resolving trauma we become more resilient and profound transformation becomes possible
Trauma is unavoidable (birth is trauma) - but we don’t have to repeat patterns that are no longer serving us. When we do the work, we can change. We can move forward. We can heal. The first step: knowing what you’re dealing with - identifying the unresolved trauma The next step: understanding the long-term effects and how you’re learned coping strategies are keeping you stuck (more to come on this).
Note: the Content referenced in this episode is in the book How to Do The Work by Dr. Nicole LePera.
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If you’re interested in coaching with Kristin go to Instagram and DM her at @kristinjleazer or email her at [email protected]
Thank you so much for joining us for another episode of the Meant 4 More podcast. We appreciate each and every one of you! Now go out there and live each day ON PURPOSE.
