Messy Family Podcast : Catholic Conversations on Marriage and Family

During this episode, Mike shares his story of his parents’ divorce when he was a teen and his own journey of healing over the past 20 years. But this is more than just his story. We also share the hope that Christ brings to us in all our relationships, the lessons learned from suffering and pain, and, ironically, how the divorce actually strengthened his belief in marriage as a covenant between two people that should never be violated. Anyone who has experienced the effects of divorce in their own lives, or who has married someone who has needs to hear this message. Even though divorce is ubiquitous, it is not without devastating effects. What is the answer? Its the same answer that applies to us all - we need to be Fathered by God and find our identity in Him. Listen in and have hope!

Take Listener Survey: https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/MFP-2021

Referenced ministry for children of divorce: https://www.lifegivingwounds.org/

Support their sacred art drive: https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/sacred-art-for-children-of-divorce#/

During this episode, Mike shares his story of his parents' divorce when he was a teen and his own journey of healing over the past 20 years. But this is more than just his story. We also share the hope that Christ brings to us in all our relationships, the lessons learned from suffering and pain, and, ironically, how the divorce actually strengthened his belief in marriage as a covenant between two people that should never be violated. Anyone who has experienced the effects of divorce in their own lives, or who has married someone who has needs to hear this message. Even though divorce is ubiquitous, it is not without devastating effects. What is the answer? Its the same answer that applies to us all - we need to be Fathered by God and find our identity in Him. Listen in and have hope!

Take Listener Survey: https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/MFP-2021

Referenced ministry for children of divorce: https://www.lifegivingwounds.org/

Support their sacred art drive: https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/sacred-art-for-children-of-divorce#/

For years, Patrick Lencioni has had books on the top of the best seller charts.  He is a master at teaching businesses how to improve their culture and organizational health.  In this podcast, Pat and his wife Laura join us to talk about the culture and health of our families and how his lessons from business can help us!  In our Family Board Meeting course, we use his book 3 Big Questions for the Frantic Family to help couples discover their unique values and rallying cry so this interview was a great time for us to go even deeper into these questions with our listeners.  This podcast is from a Zoom call that we had with our members and the Lencionis so we were able to take questions from the audience and have some great interaction.  Listen in to this compelling conversation!

Complete our listener survey at: https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/MFP-2021 

Take Pat’s Working Genius assessment using our special discount code: Messyfamily at https://www.workinggenius.com/

Join the Family Board Meeting course: https://messyfamilyhood.com/family-board-meeting-registration/

For years, Patrick Lencioni has had books on the top of the best seller charts. He is a master at teaching businesses how to improve their culture and organizational health. In this podcast, Pat and his wife Laura join us to talk about the culture and health of our families and how his lessons from business can help us! In our Family Board Meeting course, we use his book 3 Big Questions for the Frantic Family to help couples discover their unique values and rallying cry so this interview was a great time for us to go even deeper into these questions with our listeners. This podcast is from a Zoom call that we had with our members and the Lencionis so we were able to take questions from the audience and have some great interaction. Listen in to this compelling conversation!

Complete our listener survey at: https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/MFP-2021

Take Pat's Working Genius assessment using our special discount code: Messyfamily at https://www.workinggenius.com/

Join the Family Board Meeting course: https://messyfamilyhood.com/family-board-meeting-registration/

Messy Family Project · MFM 36 – Prioritize Your Spouse

This is a Messy Family Minute with Mike and Alicia Hernon

One of the secrets of a happy home is for spouses to prioritize each other over anyone else – even the children!  We know this may sound counterintuitive, but the best way to be a great parent is to be an amazing spouse!  We have to put the needs of our marriage above the wants of our children.  Think of it this way, what do children need more than anything else?  They need a mother and father who are completely in love with each other and who provide a stable, safe place for that child to grow.  

After all, where do these children come from? They are the fruit of your marriage!  So don’t get confused and think that your children can be the focus of your family.  That is not good for them and it’s not good for you.  Your marriage needs to be prioritized and from that marriage, you will be able to provide a loving home for your children AND you will have the energy to give them the love and attention they need.  Always remember you are first a husband or wife and second, you are a parent.  

For more tools to improve your marriage, visit us at messyfamilyminute.org

Below is our podcast on “Pursuing Your Spouse.” Listen to it to find out more on this topic.

We have ten children.  Five of them have brought us through the turbulent, confusing, emotional time of transition between childhood and adulthood, and so far we have all survived, though we have had our moments of doubt.

We thought we had it all together when our kids were under 12. Then, within three months of his eighth-grade year, our oldest son started dating a girl without telling us, got a black eye from a guy he had a disagreement with, and drove our car onto the lawn and knocked down our fence (the only casualty was the fence, thank God!). We panicked!  It was like we didn’t even know how to parent anymore. And we had thought getting babies to sleep through the night was hard! Though we felt completely inadequate, we knew that it was at this stage of burgeoning independence that our son needed our guidance more than ever.

Our culture stinks at forming teens. It’s the truth. Young teens are exposed constantly to inappropriate images and situations. Gender roles are becoming more confused. Society expects less and less of them, so many teens remain immature and unchallenged. Parents must be proactive in forming their teens.  It’s a tough job, but if you don’t do it, the culture will.  

This is why the tween years are so important. Working on that relationship now will help you both to get through the turbulence of the teen years. Get ahead of the problem.  Point out the hazards that are coming. Let them know that you are with them walking alongside. Give them the information that they need to succeed. Solidify their identity as a young man or a young woman. All of these elements are key.  

There are many ways parents can invest in their tweens, but we would like to focus on one tool, which we call the “Growing Up Weekend.” This weekend is for a parent and child of the same gender to grow in relationship, doing things the tween likes to do, while giving the tween the information he or she needs to navigate the teen years successfully. The age of your child is up to you because kids are so different, but it should be held before “the storm” hits.

During this weekend, we take time to talk about the physical changes ahead, peer pressure, self-esteem issues, and most importantly, the facts about sex and its proper place in the life of a Catholic Christian. Sex is sacred and it can only be understood in the context of a family relationship. Taking time to give your child this information through your family relationship communicates its rightful place. Sex is not taboo – it’s sacred.

The Growing Up Weekend should be held at a place that your child enjoys. We try to give our kids a choice of where they’d like to go, within reason! Some of our kids chose to go to a beach, others chose the city, and others chose camping. What matters is that it is a place that you and your child can do fun activities like shopping, hiking, swimming or sight-seeing. You need to have lots of physical activities planned, especially with boys. Fill them up with love and attention so you can speak to their heart.  

Over the course of the weekend, we listen to three or four talks about adolescence.  Some resources we have used are Dr. Dobson’s Preparing for Adolescence or Dennis Rainy’s Passport2Purity. We listen to these talks with them usually while we are driving to our destination or while we are doing something like hiking, fishing, or cooking. It helps to be doing something, not just sitting across a table looking at each other! 

Why is this weekend with tweens so important?  

It’s less awkward.  When a kid is 10 or 12 years old, they are still innocent and likely haven’t experienced most of the challenges you will be talking about. An 11- year old feels grown-up when talking about becoming a man, while a 16-year old might feel talked down to.

Starting early pre-empts lies and distortions. You cannot wait till their wedding day to talk with your children about sex...

This is the year of St. Joseph so let’s talk about what we can learn from this man who knew Jesus and Mary more intimately than any other person who has ever lived. There is so much we can learn from him! Because there is really no definitive teaching on St. Joseph, we can extrapolate from what we know about Jewish culture at the time and what we read in scripture to imagine what he must have been like. We do know that he can teach us about being a spouse, a parent, a follower of Christ. He can show us how to love Jesus and Mary better and, as patron of the family, he is a powerful intercessor for us! Listen in to this insightful conversation about the man who can serve as a model to us all - St. Joseph.

Webinar on Holy Week as a Family: https://www.messyfamilyproject.org/holy-week-webinar/

5 Week Family Board Meeting Course: https://messyfamilyhood.com/family-board-meeting-registration/

This is the year of St. Joseph so let's talk about what we can learn from this man who knew Jesus and Mary more intimately than any other person who has ever lived. There is so much we can learn from him! Because there is really no definitive teaching on St. Joseph, we can extrapolate from what we know about Jewish culture at the time and what we read in scripture to imagine what he must have been like. We do know that he can teach us about being a spouse, a parent, a follower of Christ. He can show us how to love Jesus and Mary better and, as patron of the family, he is a powerful intercessor for us! Listen in to this insightful conversation about the man who can serve as a model to us all - St. Joseph.

Webinar on Holy Week as a Family: https://www.messyfamilyproject.org/holy-week-webinar/

5 Week Family Board Meeting Course: https://messyfamilyhood.com/family-board-meeting-registration/

If you are having trouble in your relationship with your spouse in the bedroom, start here….

Many times Catholic couples who are following the Church’s teaching on sex think that all they have to do is not use contraception and they are doing what they should do.  Then when difficulties and conflicts come along, they don’t know why. There is more to having a healthy sexual relationship than simply NOT using chemical or physical barriers when having sex. Yes, those things are certainly a huge detriment to having a great sexual relationship, but there is more work to be done! We always need to be working to better understand the needs of our spouse, and of ourselves. Here are some tips for you to consider and discuss with your spouse. 

Husbands and wives have different priorities when it comes to sex. Husbands and wives generally approach sex from different perspectives. Women, in general, need to feel loved, beautiful, and safe, emotionally, and physically, and then they can move to the bedroom. But men are the opposite. Men don’t necessarily have to feel emotionally connected beforehand, but it’s the sex that brings that connection. So men have sex and then they feel loved! Neither of these two perspectives is right or wrong. For both men and women, sex is the means for motivating you to connect. All that foreplay and after-play, all those conversations that happen before and after and around sex are an end, just as the sexual act is an end in itself. You need both for a balanced relationship and this is God’s design! Men and women complement each other. So when both men and women’s needs are met, the couple can have a fully intimate experience. 

Recognize there is a Desire Discrepancy.  There’s usually a natural discrepancy of desire between the spouses, which means that whoever has the greatest desire for connection is in a more vulnerable position. When it comes to sexual activity, husbands may find themselves in a weaker position because in general, the man has a greater desire for sex. When he proposes sexual activity to his wife, she has the power. In the same way, wives usually have a greater desire for emotional intimacy and are therefore vulnerable when they are seeking connection with their husbands. In this situation, men have the power. But no matter who has the greater desire, it is important that we learn to greet those desires with great sensitivity. 

Be aware of the temptation to weaponize your “power” over your spouse. The Desire Discrepancy is important to recognize because it is easy for one spouse to greet those desires from the other, not with sensitivity, but with power.  Sometimes without realizing it, spouses can weaponize the power they have. Weaponization occurs when wives communicate to their husbands, “Well, you’re not getting any tonight,” or husbands communicate to their wives that their feelings are irrelevant, or they refuse to speak to them. These attitudes treat the other spouse like some kind of subordinate. What is the solution? Joyful availability.

Practice Joyful Availability. We had five children in seven years. There were many, many, many times when I just didn’t feel up for anything other than going right to sleep. But after many honest conversations with Mike, I learned to say, “I’m not really feeling like it right now, but if you can convince me!” And when I needed a shoulder to cry on, instead of just rolling his eyes and telling me I was being too emotional, Mike learned to listen deeply, to empathize and listen.  Honoring the desires of the others, and not dismissing them as irrelevant is the way to be joyfully available.  And if your spouse doesn’t react the way you would like them to, don’t begin to believe the lies in your head that they don’t love you.

Have the conversations and bring it into the light.  If there are things going on that make you feel rejected or rebuffed or not being loved and respecte...

Join us for an extraordinary interview with Fr. Jay Donahue, a priest of the Diocese of Pittsburgh who has a heart for marriage and a deep and abiding love for Christ. We discuss with Fr. Jay the impact that his own large family had on him, how couples can image Christ’s love for the Church and the importance of the Blessed Mother in the lives of priests and everyone in the Church. He even dives into the sexual scandals that have plagued our Church with extraordinary love and compassion. You will be inspired hearing his passion for marriage and God’s vision for marriage. We hope you enjoy this interview!

Webinar on Holy Week as a Family: https://www.messyfamilyproject.org/holy-week-webinar/

5 Week Family Board Meeting Course: https://messyfamilyhood.com/family-board-meeting-registration/