Mmm I Like This

So, what now? No more beach? No more sun? No more crying? What will we do for 6 weeks?

Jess leaves Joel and Thomas this week to helm the finale themselves and with the unintentional pride party style, there's no complaints from them!

It's the final days on the beach, and TRULY who would have guessed Eliza & Aaron + Kat & John Henry would be the last two couples? NOT US.

The singles start to drop like flies and exit paradise expeditiously. Jess has to be told she's not needed on the beach anymore and Mercedes lays it down for Jordan that there is no spark whatsoever. Do we see Jordan leave? Does he dissipate into the sand? Who's to know.

Aven and Kylee have the same conversation 10 times and we don't see much improvement. Why is a ring more important than the man handing it you? Your guess is as good as ours.

In a shock to NO ONE, it would appear none of our happy couples have lasted the test of time.. until next year. (RIP Sam + FP)

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Well, it's (almost) over.

Gerry has chosen his woman and nobody is surprised. The Hollywood Reporter published and articale painting him in a darker light and nobody is surprised. Rachel get's humiliated and nobody is surprised.

WHAT A WEEK!! We say this every time but truly what a f*cking week. In a heart-wrenching, skin crawling, and major cringe inducing episode, we see Gerry really fumble the bag at the end of his journey. There is of course a happy couple, but the happy couple we wanted? Who's to say. The true winner of this season is the cast of golden bachelorettes who captured our hearts and gave us a reason to believe in heterosexual love again. #JusticeForEllen+Susan+Joan

We get a taste of the most incredible editing and production work in our Bachelor watching careers with a perfectly made 38 minute Paradise episode JAM PACKED with break ups, shocking friendships (Kylee and Tyler?), and the most shameful humiliation of an ex LEAD contestant. We feel for you Rachel.

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Happy f*ck week!

It's fantasy suite time for our good old Golden Bach Boy, Gerry, and we finally get to travel overseas! Welcome to Costa Rica! Talk about knowing your demo...

Leslie and Theresa continue to showcase how they're both perfect for Gerry in their own unique ways, and Theresa finally comes off as a chill gal. Thomas couldn't be happier. Clock that instagram shop two-piece pj set.

On the beach, Blake's entire reality gets shattered to pieces when his ex, also known as Katie Thurston aka dildo girl, shows up on the beach for.. seemingly no reason at all? Oh right, a roast.

Katie hosts a roast and fortunately for us, the three most volatile girls get absolutely shredded and chaos begins to brew.

Rach gets a second chance but ultimately doesn't care, Kat runs a beach yoga for all the men she ruined, and Olivia gets a tentative happy ending.

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We have crested the hill which is the final stretch of our season!

This week, the golden ladies tell all, but mostly all about Susan's gas.

We get a few hot seats with two of the most impactful losses, and Gerry shows up looking so incredibly melancholic. We couldn't believe it. Also it's time to celebrate the ONLY trip this season. See you next week in Costa Rica!

At the beach, Corpse Bride digs her decomposing claws into sweet poor innocent baby child John Henry, and Olivia is NOT having it. According to Bachelor Data, Olivia has had the most screen time of all our lovebirds. SHOCKING.

Brayden's new boo makes the biggest mistake of her life and social media career, and to that we say "smell ya later."

Next week's teasers look to shake up some recently cemented love connections! I guess you'll just have to stick around to hear Jess, Joel, and Thomas' input on all the beach fun.

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We really are seated for a roller coaster this season. In what would seem to be some of the most boring episodes of the season, our fabulous trio of hosts seem to talk.. the most? Of any episode? Figure that one out.

In Gerry's world we're at Hometowns! How many grand kids can be produced to ask a stranger if he's in love with their grandma?

We see Faith for who she really is, a horsegirl. We see Theresa for who she really is, a frail baby woman; and we see Leslie for who she really is, a hot mama.

Gerry shows his entire hand of cards confessing his love for TWO of the three women to their face, and even in front of one of their families.. it's weird.

In a shocking turn of events, we ELIMINATE the back to format praises as we are left edged for the final rose.

At the beach, Corpse Bride continues to experience consequences for her actions and also continues to completely miss the point. Bitch is out to lunch.

We get a few new arrivals at the beach to stir up some couple drama and for Bird Bones and Rach, it's looking rocky my friends. Charity also makes a celeb appearance to ruin Aaron B's life and we honestly can't wait.

Want some personal stories? Some obnoxious screaming? Cackles? You're in the right place, as usual.

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I know we say this every week, BUT... What. A. Week.

Jess returns to round out the trio this week!

The axe continues to drop HARD on Golden Bach as Gerry tearfully sends three women home leaving only THREE left for hometowns/fantasy suites/Gerry's hometowns.

Faith gets a once in a lifetime 1 on 1 in a helicopter, in a hot tub, and on a yacht. We couldn't be more jealous.

The rest of the ladies and Gerry let out their inner child at an amusement park on the pier, and Theresa looks as if she has passed away on the rollercoaster. RIP.

We hit the beach in Paradise and did you know it's Kat's birthday? Oh, you didn't? She didn't tell you 100 times? Wild. A HOT new bombshell enters the villa this week and snipes Kat's man right out from underneath her.

Braychel go on a cute date and Thomas has finally followed Jess' lead with the turnaround on Baby B. SHOCKING news.

Canada in the house! We also get a BiP Canada alum join the beach to shake it up and we could not be more proud of our Northern girl.

It's a crazy week of hysterical tears, dirty dancing, tequila shots, and yoga breathing. You can't miss it.

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Well well well! Look what happens when you change your mind on Brayden. Karma delivers! This week, it's just the gays to breakdown what has become the most explosive episode of Paradise this season!

Gerry's up first and his gaggle of gals are not as limbered up as they should have been for what could be the most intense sports tournament Bachelor Nation has ever seen - pickleball.

These women left nothing on the court! Sandra even dove into the crowd!

Leslie gets the 1 on 1 and we get to see more of Gerry's TOUGH REBEL/BAD BOY past.. a massive tattoo. Who would have thought?

The axe continues to fall and we're now rounding the home stretch for our golden king. We can't wait.

Drama hits the beach! Who's surprised?

Our backed-up queen bids farewell to the beach-goers to deliver a 9+ day poop-baby. Sending well wishes to the new mother.

New boys hit the beach with date cards in hand! We're at 12 girls and SEVEN boys. FIVE could go home next week!!!

There are awkward massage dates, dinner kisses, TRUTH boxes both introduced and destroyed all in the same day.

Want to know what Kat thinks? Don't worry, not only will she tell you, but she will scream at the producers in her interview so loudly the rest of the beach can hear every word.

Oh yeah.. Sean thinking ANYONE is into him. HA!!!!

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What a week! These grannies are finally bringing the heat!

Joel returns to round out the fab trio and we couldn't be happier.

Gerry continues to thin the herd by putting these women up for a talent show supported by what is probably the largest audience for anything in Bachelor nation. These poor women.

We get standouts, and our winner of the dinner is Joan! GORGEOUS STUNNING JOAN! Alas, it is a short-lived high as she has to self elim to go be a mom. The ladies could NOT relate more so we say goodbye to gorgeous Joan.

Ellen gets the 1 on 1 this week and absolutely CRUSHES her "custom" (?) dress and things get HOT in the hot air balloon.

The beach heats up even further as Thomas' number 1 boyfriend, Tyler, arrives to shake it up. Also additionally sexy hot man, Tanner32 arrives to regretfully pursue CB. Not everyone can make good choices out of the gate.

Have you ever just completely iced someone out and gone so cold in your breakup that even your own friends call you out? No? just Corpse Bride? Got it.

Please give Jess the time and privacy she needs to process the most unexpected turnaround of our time.

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It's a solemn week this week. Our shining and radiant podcast trio is down to two as Joel has contracted some sort of plague.

Fear not as Jess and Thomas are there to pick up the slack!

This week, Gerry takes our gal Theresa on a date to a retro 50's diner we're SURE bring back very real memories for both of them. Theresa wants to learn Italian to go travel Italy and Gerry is into it and Thomas just cries daily for them. The women throw him a surprise birthday party and the cast continues to show off how genuine and sweet they all are.

Gerry also cries this week (like every week) as he has to really start to axe the women down to his faves. We only have six episodes remember!

We hit the sand and Paradise QUEEN Kylee is here to absolutely slay the beach. Will embarrasses himself as the biggest crybaby we've ever seen, and Hannah Brown shows up holding the largest spoon to stir the paradise pot and we. are. here. for. it.

We've got tears, we've got flash mobs, we've got immature baby boy dancing, and we've got Susan in a neon green dress. What else could you need?

Whatever you do, just Don't Stop Believin'

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We. Are. So. Back!!

Jess, Joel, and Thomas are seated and READY to celebrate old people in love.. and also young people in love.. triangles.

We have TWO shows to follow up on every week. It's work.. but we got y'all.

This week we welcome Gerry as our first Golden Bachelor, along with DROVES of gorgeous iconic women over 50. Do we all believe in love again because of this show? Hopefully.

Buckle up for a LIST of new nicknames for these iconic women and don't worry, there will be no punches pulled even with this demographic.

WE ALSO HIT THE BEACH!! Some legendary faves are ready to soak up the sun, sand, and suck face with 10 other people in this season of Bachelor in Paradise.

Tune in for a double dose of BS from our fave podcast trio.

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