Mmm I Like This

Well, we made it! In an absolute UNSHOCKING finish, our big nostrilled over-thinker has chosen his "best friend."

In this incredible finale, Zach get's raked through the coals TWICE by our two runner-ups and Thomas, Jess, and Joel can't get over it. Ariel completely eviscerates him followed by Gabi twisting the knife and (hopefully) instilling so much guilt to bounce around in the otherwise echo chamber that is Zach's mind.

We get to see America's parents, Megan and "Chiap," one last time and honestly? They're the most endearing part of Zach's life. Remember when he was a sickly child and almost died? Gabi doesn't because he NEVER told her.

The looks? Iconic. The tears? Aplenty. The communication skills? One-sided. It is a live finale for the books! Enjoy our collective sigh of relief as we never have to see Zach and his prickly torso shower outdoors ever again.

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There's nothing our delusional trio of hosts loves more than an opportunity to live up to their namesake. Boy oh BOY do we hate the Bach this week.

We're in Thailand for sex("less") week and Zach decides to literally be the biggest idiot Bach Nation has ever seen. In a Jesus-loving effort, he seems to set stupid rules for himself and breaks them immediately. Men, are we right?

Ariel dodges a Vanilla/Missionary/T-Shirt On bullet and presumably, the only girl who gets to "have sex together" with Zach is NOT who we would have expected.

It's a tumultuous week of stupidity, lies, and unnecessary apologies for our boy Big Z. The girls somewhat deliver the fashion on our paradise trip and we are down to our predictable final TWO!

Thomas and Joel would like you to respect their privacy at this time.

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Thomas and Joel hold down the fort as a duo this week and, as usual, no one is surprised it is shaking out to be our longest episode to date.

The theme of this week is "double" as our two favourite gay Bachelor fans break down TWO hard hitting weeks in the Bach Universe: Hometowns and Women Tell All.

Hometowns are seemingly uneventful as Thomas and Joel focus more on which of our four finalists has the hottest brother. Spoiler alert, it's not Gabi. Most of the families hit it out of the park and Ariel continuously proves to be a literal icon.

IN AN ABSOLUTE SHOCKER and quite frankly, the most shocking rose ceremony yet, we get an absolute CURVE ball. Turns out everything happens for a reason and we have a new Bachelorette to congratulate!

Tell All goes impressively better than in recent seasons with some actual arguing and unfortunately, ChristinaMandrell fails to grab the camera as much as she would like.

We can all revel in Bird Bones looking the best she's ever looked, and commend Corpse Bride on her resurrection.

It's a fun one this week but who's surprised?

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The herd continues to thin! 

We arrive in yet ANOTHER romantic European city this week! The epitome of romance some might say (Zach). Where's Greer you may ask? Well she was left in Estonia to fend for her own life it would seem. 

Kaity is the first to get the SECOND 1-on-1 and the loudest groan can be heard across the world. These two plain cheeseburgers are so in love it's gross. Just end it for all of us at this point. We hear about how silly and goofy Zach is but still have yet to experience this ourselves. 

The women really start to hit their collective strides with the fashion. We're almost done the season and NOW the women can dress themselves. Except Gabi. She had one shining moment and it's back to Vermont chic.

The girls get read to filth on the group date by a "mentalist" who magically can tell these women crave safety and comfort. Gabi, you're not original I'm sorry to tell you.

We say a tearful goodbye to our Rodeo Clown icon, Brooklyn after Zach gives the infamous close lipped concerned smile. 

After also blindsiding Corpse Bride, we're down to our final four women. It's hometowns AND Women Tell All next week, so we shall(cross) see whose dad botches this for them!

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Then lace that bitch up! Your Emmy award winning delusional trio is back with another week of questioning Zach's perspective of romance. 

We're in Estonia this week! Anyone else feel like they're in Frozen? Just Brooklyn? Alright. Charity get's a redeeming 1 on 1 which we are VERY pleased about, and to no one's surprise, she SLAYS the looks. Twirl your bangs, girl! Corpse Bride emerges as the new villain and Brooklyn is here to cut a bitch DOWN! We love to see it.

The group date goes witchy and poor Bird Bones' candle flame blows right out. The girls and all of us are devastated. During the after party, poor little fragile BB hopes the room is warm enough for her to cry yet again and this time.. send herself home. We HATE to see it. Zach confidently advertises that his wife is in this room! Where's Greer you may ask? Great question! No one knows and seemingly, Zach didn't know she was still here! 

Joel's fave Ariel get's the second 1 on 1 and delivers at all times. Listen in to find out how devastated Thomas, Jess, and Joel were to hear Ariel's deeply vulnerable trauma history. 

The herd thins more and more every week and we are prepping for Hometowns and (according to a preview) a SEXLESS?! fantasy suite week. Kill us.

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Pip pip, cheerio, and all that, we're in London! According to Zach, the most romantic city in the world! Who could say no to dirty streets, too many lads, and bad teeth?

We travel from a literal PARADISE to a grey hell hole this week and it just doesn't get any better throughout the week. Gabi gets the princess/spoil date and Greer couldn't be more upset because that's her love language. Her love language is being a spoiled brat. 

Dresses, JIMY CHOO SHOES, jewelry, Gabi is for sure "not" bragging to the other girls with her unboxing. 

The group date gets derailed when Zach tests positive for Covid and the girls take it weirdly personal.. and act like he stood them up. Do they know we're in a pandemic?

This week marks HISTORY in the Bachelor zeitgeist when we have not only a virtual cocktail party, but a VIRTUAL ROSE CEREMONY. The girls have to pick up their own roses. We. Are. Screaming

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It's just the Delusional Duo this week! Joel is on a little fun trip, so it's just two faves. 

This week, we head to the Bahamas to.. evidently showcase Zach's perspiration issues. HOWEVER, we are here for fun bathing suits.

We've got 1 on 1's, we've got unnecessary tears, we've got threats of fist fighting? We actually don't, but apparently SOMEONE (Anastasia) likes to misconstrue our favourite one liner of all time: "Can I steal you for a sec?"

This week's blessed two are the newly named Corpse Bride and our favourite Rodeo Clown, Brooklyn. Greer, Anastasia, and countless others are having mathematical disconnects as we forget there are 15 women and only two 1 on 1's a week. Wishing them all the best.

Tune in to hear our two main characters analyze Zach's manscaping routine and so much more.

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Chyrons make the world go 'round. This week, our trio begins to really lean into the return to format for Zach's season. This is our first episode with two 1 on 1's and we see the comeback of the.. beloved(?) Bachelor Bowl. The girls go head to head to fight for the cocktail party and our girl Anastasia plays the game right with an immediate "injury."

We begin to thin the herd as girls begin to send themselves home or get kicked to the curb by a surprisingly articulate and confident Zach. He is NOT playing around and will send anyone home at the hint of drama or an inkling of sparks dimming. RIP Morning Bailynn. 

ChristinaMandrell gets what's coming to her as the girls let her know what's up, ie: shut the f*ck up and stop making every moment about yourself.  Kaity and Aly rejoice in their 1 on 1 time with Zach and, surprising all of us, edge their way to frontrunner status. Thomas, Jess, and Joel have had their top spots shaken right up! 

Which beige queen will edge out the rest? Will Bird Bones' shoulders continue to hold the weight of her fake dress chains? Will Gabi pee herself again? We're tuned in to find out.

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Any bad bitches in the house? Anyone?

This week, the producers are generously giving EVERY girl a date with Zach whether that be 1 on 1 or group. What did this crop of girls do to deserve such generosity? Is it the 3" barrel curls? The lack of hip movement? The "bad bitch energy"? 

Latto shows up to coach the girls on confidence and self worth, and we see the return of some of Bach's baddest bitches in the GAME: Victoria F, Tahzjuan, and Courtney. 

Who's badder than a soft voiced whiner in a denim dress? Absolutely nobody.

ChristinaMandrell (Yes her name is all one word) get's the first 1 on 1 and literally couldn't be more excited we think she actually jumped inside of Zach's skin. 

That is quickly derailed by an immediate first date family intro and nothing has ever scared us more in our lives. A family meeting? In a crocheted halter top? 

As usual, your fave pod trio spend this week questioning fashion choices, turning on Brianna, and maybe.. JUST maybe, becoming endeared to Zach? Can you believe?

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Listen. What better way to express how we feel about Zach than to be 5 days late to upload? We will not apologize (It is Thomas' fault but don't tell him we know).

Your fave trio is back with a new season and we are ready to hate Zach this entire time. We will not apologize for this either. We are called "We Hate The Bachelor" after all!

Zach meets 30 gals and the beige-off ensues. How many girls can genuinely find him attractive? How many girls were TRULY excited he was The Bachelor? How many girls can wear the same sparkly dress? You just have to watch and listen to find out.

Strap in for the moderately bumpy ride that is Zach Shallcross' Bachelor experience. 

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Hit us up on social!

Instagram - @WeHateTheBachelor

Twitter - @WeHateTheBach

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