More than Roommates

It's easy to get so busy with work, kids, and everyday responsibilities that we stop noticing the person right beside us. In this episode of More Than Roommates, Derek, Gabrielle, and Scott discuss how to stop taking your spouse for granted, cultivate a heart of appreciation, and intentionally make your spouse feel seen and valued by slowing down, speaking encouragement, learning their unique needs, and remembering that we are ultimately seen and loved by God.

Discussion Questions

1. Feeling seen: When do you feel most seen and appreciated by me? When do you feel overlooked?

2. Taking each other for granted: What are some things you do regularly for our family that I might have stopped noticing or thanking you for?

3. Busyness: What tends to distract us from genuinely paying attention to one another? Is there anything we need to slow down or change?

4. Specific appreciation: What are three specific qualities or actions in your spouse that you are grateful for but don't say often enough?

5. Your spouse's dialect: What makes you feel most appreciated? A thoughtful note, verbal encouragement, public praise, practical help, or something else? Are there nuances I may be missing?

6. Spiritual foundation: Are we asking our spouse to provide all our security, affirmation, and satisfaction? How can we better root our identity in God's love while still caring for each other's needs?

Can a marriage truly recover from betrayal? In this episode Matthew and Joanna RaabSmith share their personal journey through pornography addiction, secrecy, broken trust, and the difficult but beautiful process of rebuilding their marriage. They explain why honesty, emotional safety, individual healing, and a willingness to seek help are essential to restoring intimacy and how God can use even our most painful stories to bring healing, purpose, and hope.

https://raabsmithteam.com/

Discussion Questions

1. Honesty: Is there anything we have been avoiding talking about because we are afraid of how the other person might respond? How can we make honesty safer in our marriage?

2. Trust and safety: What specific behaviors help each of us feel emotionally safe, valued, and secure? Are there ways we could become more consistent and reliable?

3. Secrets and shame: Why can it be so difficult to bring our struggles into the light? What role should confession, accountability, and Christian community play in our marriage?

4. Personal responsibility: When we experience conflict, do we tend to blame each other, become defensive, or take responsibility for our own part?

5. Intimacy: How comfortable are we talking openly about our emotional and physical intimacy? What makes these conversations difficult, and what would help us approach them with greater care?

6. Healing: Are there individual struggles, past wounds, or unhealthy patterns that we need to address rather than expecting our marriage to solve them?

7. Seeking help: If our marriage entered a difficult season, who would we turn to for wise counsel and support? Is there a step we should take now rather than waiting for a crisis?

Talking about sex can feel awkward, but avoiding the conversation can keep couples from experiencing deeper intimacy, understanding, pleasure, and joy. In this episode, Derek, Andrew, and Gabrielle discuss how to communicate about sex both inside and outside the bedroom, how to talk about expectations and frustrations with humility, how past experiences can affect intimacy, and how couples can create a safe environment where sex communication can be had openly.

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS

What is one thing you love about our sexual relationship?

What is one thing that would help you feel more loved, desired, or connected?

What is one thing I could do differently to serve you better?

Are there things we have never talked about because we feel embarrassed, awkward, or afraid of how the other person will respond?

Are there any expectations we have about frequency, initiation, affection, or intimacy that we haven't clearly communicated?

What helps you feel emotionally connected to me outside of the bedroom?

Is there anything about our sexual relationship that causes frustration, pain, or disconnection that we need to talk about?

How can we make our sexual conversations more characterized by humility, patience, humor, and grace?

Social media can be a great tool, but it can also quietly fuel comparison, insecurity, resentment, and unrealistic expectations in our marriages. In this episode, we talk about guarding our hearts, being intentional about who and what we follow, setting healthy boundaries, and learning to appreciate our own marriage rather than be infatuated by what we see on social media.

Discussion Questions

- Is there anything you regularly consume that leaves you feeling discontent with our marriage or our life?

- Who or what do you follow that genuinely helps you love Jesus and your spouse better?

- Are there accounts we should mute, unfollow, or block because of how they affect us?

- What boundaries around social media would help protect our marriage?

- Are there certain times or places where we should agree not to use our phones?

- Do we feel completely comfortable with each other seeing what we consume and who we communicate with online?

- How can we use social media to encourage others rather than simply consume content?

- What's one thing we could do together this week instead of spending that time scrolling?

For episode 200, the More Than Roommates team looks back on nearly four years of conversations, favorite memories, lessons learned, and the ways God has used the podcast to impact marriages. As they look ahead, they share their hopes for the future of More Than Roommates and remind couples that marriage isn't about settling for good enough, but continually pursuing Jesus, growing together, and becoming more than roommates.

Discussion Questions

- What have you learned about marriage in the last year that you wish you had understood earlier?

- Where have you found yourself settling for “good enough” in your marriage?

- When conflict happens, are you more likely to defend yourself or humble yourself and pursue connection?

- What is one thing you've learned from this podcast or another marriage resource that you've actually put into practice?

- What would it look like for your marriage to experience “more” of Jesus, more enjoyment, and more purpose together?

Jealousy can show up in marriage through insecurity, comparison, past experiences, or even legitimate concerns about trust and boundaries. In this episode, Derek, Andrew, and Gabrielle talk honestly about where jealousy comes from, how to distinguish between facts and the stories we create in our minds, and how to build greater security through communication, healthy boundaries, reassurance, and finding our identity in Christ.

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS

When does jealousy tend to show up most often in our marriage?

When I feel jealous, what fear or insecurity might be underneath it?

What is something I have recently treated as a fact that may actually have been a story I created in my head?

Are there any behaviors or boundaries in our marriage that would help each of us feel more secure?

Are there any past experiences or family-of-origin issues that affect the way I respond to jealousy today?

How can we become more secure in Christ rather than asking our spouse to be our ultimate source of security?

What is one practical boundary we could agree on together to protect our marriage?

Derek, Gabrielle, and Scott tackle a listener question: how do you tell your spouse what you need when it might feel selfish, even though it's genuine? They dig into the difference between needs and wants, why timing and tone matter as much as the ask itself, and how humility on both sides changes the whole conversation.

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS

- The episode draws a line between a "need" and a "want", with a maybe a third category of "desire" in between. Where do you two tend to disagree on that line? Can you each name one current desire that you haven't clearly voiced yet?

- Gabrielle shared that when Cooper expressed a need, her first instinct was to interpret it as "I'm failing him." Do you ever hear a request from your spouse and translate it into criticism? What would it look like to take the request at face value instead?

- Philippians 2:3-4 was used to reframe the question from "how do I get my needs met" to "how do I meet my spouse's needs first." Practically, what's one need of your spouse's you could intentionally meet this week without being asked?

- Where do you expect your spouse to just "know" something instead of communicating it directly?

Warning, these takes are for fun and intentionally provocative! Listen and debate with us as Derek, Gabrielle, and Scott debate some controversial marriage hot takes, from separate beds and changing your last name to birthdays, sexual intimacy, date nights, prayer before marriage, and whether a healthy marriage is really 50/50.

Discussion Questions

- Which of the hot takes from this episode did you agree or disagree with most and why?

- Do you have any hot takes?

- Do you ever find yourself keeping score in marriage? Where?

- How comfortable are we talking openly about sex and sexual intimacy? Why or why not?

- What helps each of us feel more emotionally and physically connected before intimacy?

- How important are birthdays and anniversaries to each of us? Do we communicate those expectations?

The newborn season can make marriage feel more like a business partnership than a relationship, with endless tasks, exhaustion, and competing expectations creating resentment between husband and wife. In this episode, we talk about sharing responsibilities, carrying the mental load, extending grace, serving one another, and remembering that your spouse isn't the enemy and you’re on the same team!

Discussion Questions for Husband & Wife

- Are there any household responsibilities where resentment is starting to build?

- Do we have a clear understanding of who owns which responsibilities, or are we expecting each other to read our minds?

- What is one thing I could take off your plate this week?

- What part of the mental load do you feel like I don't fully see or understand?

- When we disagree about responsibilities, do we tend to assume the best about each other or assume selfish motives?

- What is one thing we could do this week just for fun—not because it needs to get done?

The newborn season can leave couples exhausted, overwhelmed, and struggling to find the time or energy for intimacy, but it doesn't have to mean losing connection with one another. In this episode, we talk about spiritual, emotional, and physical intimacy and how husbands and wives can pursue one another, give grace, and stay connected while navigating the chaos of a new baby.

Discussion Questions:

1. Which type of intimacy (spiritual, emotional, or physical) has been hardest for us to maintain in this season? Why?

2. What is one thing I could do that would help you feel more seen, known, and cared for right now?

3. What rhythms or “little rituals” could we create to protect our emotional connection, even when we don't have much time?

4. How has our relationship with God changed since entering the newborn season? Where do we need to pursue Him together more intentionally?

5. Are there ways either of us has been viewing intimacy primarily through the lens of our own needs? What would it look like to “outdo one another in showing honor”?

6. How can we communicate honestly about physical intimacy without either spouse feeling pressured, rejected, or ashamed?

7. What is one thing about our marriage in this season that we can choose to be grateful for?

8. Instead of trying to get back to the way our marriage was before kids, what might God be inviting us to build in this new season?