My Mate's A Footballer

The tables are turned in this special one-off episode where Pat interviews Joe and hears from Ricky Gervais and Katherine Ryan about the worlds of comedy and stand-up. They tell Pat the best and worst parts of the job, Joe reveals whether fellow comedians are supportive for newbies and peers on TV panel shows and Pat learns all about what ‘eating the floor’ means plus why Joe still feels bad for friend and fellow comedian Russell Howard.

An episode about Tony Pulis and other managers gets sidetracked with chat about the topical art of set pieces after Arsenal and Mikel Arteta’s recent successes. Pat reveals how much managers pay attention to them in training, how routines are devised and what happens when they go badly wrong during a game. Plus there’s another 5-a-side question that Joe poses which causes much hilarity for them both.

Joe discusses the remaining staff roles at a football club to see which one he fancies including: fitness coaches, ball boys, security guards, bus drivers and analysts. Pat reveals what it’s like being a ball boy who’s been given tactical instructions from a manager, how security guards get involved with tunnel bust-ups and stopping fireworks plus there’s a frank admission about the varying levels of fitness in a squad of elite players.

Luke Ayling drops into the pod with Joe and Pat to discuss a storied career that began at Arsenal before ending up under Michael Carrick at Middlesbrough and reveals why he loves playing for the former Manchester United midfielder. Ayling is known as ‘Bill’ so tells Joe why he adopted that nickname, why Pat was known as a ‘Trojan’ after he joined Leeds and how Thierry Henry ‘ended’ his Arsenal career, plus how Pep’s inverted full backs makes the game more complicated for him as a right back.

The power is in the hands of the listeners for this episode - everything is on the table as Pat’s promised to answer any question that Joe selects. Today the pair discuss why the man had a pair of bolt cutters on him when he got caught up in the ‘Spygate’ scandal, who decides how a team travels to an away game and what it’s really like in the dressing room after a teammate has made a high-profile mistake.

Joe decides what role he would most like to take on after hearing all about the club chef as Pat reveals all the details about the club canteen. Chef Alex details the best and worst parts of his job, Joe can’t get on board with some of the footballer’s dinner choices and Pat reveals the cost of food is taken from players' salaries. Plus the pair discuss Pat making the trip to the New Forest to see wild horses, Peppa Pig and big cats.

Pat pauses Joe’s search for a role at Leeds and invites his (other) friend Kalvin onto the pod to chat about Pep, dealing with abuse and the move to Ipswich. Kalvin takes great delight in analysing Joe’s free kick, reminisces about playing in the Euros and enjoys Joe being thrown under the bus after Pat reveals details of their conversation before the pod was recorded.

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Joe continues his search for a role at Pat’s football club, Leeds United, and this week the pair investigate the jobs of Press Officer and Receptionist. Pat reveals how the media team react when a player says something they shouldn’t and what actually happens in ‘media training’. Joe discusses how intimidated he usually is by receptionists but learns why that might not be the case at a football club.

Patrick attempts to find Joe a role on the staff at Leeds United following his unsuccessful attempt at becoming a free-kick specialist at the age of 49. This was supposed to be an episode about a number of different jobs but Joe became slightly obsessed with the job of a kit man so ends up setting Pat some homework for the next episode to help him discover more roles appropriate for a stand-up comedian and actor.

What is it like for a young player in the cut-throat world of football? On this episode Pat reveals what it was like for players at the tender age of 15 coming through today. Once the microphone issues are sorted, Joe finds out about the role of YouTube in educating footballers and the types of initiations younger players have to go through before making a first-team appearance.