In the name of the cowboy, the daddy, and the holy priest, oh my!

Can I walk you out? Will you accept this rose? Can I steal you for a second? Is she here for the right reasons or is he just a cowboy who can write letters. Guess who? It’s Chris Harrison and he had the audacity to write a “book”. Take a moment…say your goodbyes as we read The Perfect Letter by Chris Harrison. Will this sex scene steal your time or give you a shot of finding real reality tv love? Jaaakkkkkeeeeeee! Only the date card will tell. Fantasy Suites could never. 

Fish Food, Shark Men, and Stolen Identities, oh my! 

Da Da…Da Da…Da Da Da Da DA DA DA DA DA!!! Shark Week came early this year, folks! Chum at the ready as we read Does It Hurt by H.D. Carlton. Will this book have you breaching the surface or capsizing and sinking? Those choices mean nothing but you should be used to this by now. Water Bound who? What is it called when a man releases on your back while using you as bait? Read the title of the episode again. ‘Tis the season. 

How, Dare, You, oh my! 

Ever wondered what it would be like to be with a man that folds your clothes? Well get ready cause he’s defs gonna be sniffing your neck and braiding your hair. As Avril Lavigne once said, “She was meek and he was flaccid.” Welcome to 50 Shades of FUCKED UP! Edward would never! It took us three seasons to get here but we finally whipped out the infamous novel by E. L. James, 50 Shades of Grey, and we will never be the same. Chain me to a post and say SILENCE cause this shit is… repulsive. You’re wearing jeans. Hmm…why?

Croissants, Eclairs, and Cannolis, oh my! 

No whisk, no weward this week as we wead Her Pastry Shifters by Mia Harlan. Will her stiff peaks get your rolling pins rolling or will this be a salmonella food fight to the death. Ever wanted to be fucked by a pastry? Yes? Well, that’s fucked. Prepare for your jelly doughnut handjob cause this is an erection you can’t argue with. 

Kidnapping, Lesbians, and Escorts, oh my! 

We Googled “sexiest lesbian erotica” and The Night Off by Meghan O’Brien came up so that’s what we’re reading. Get ready for the most engorged, plump, erect, slick and sliding, nasty horny slut sex that you’ve ever had the pleasure of bucking your probing puckered juices on. We are going to pump and stroke you with our penetrative wiggling thrusts of dirty dripping whoreness. Unicorn.  

Dead, dripping, and …disingenuous, oh my! 

Ha Ha Heinous. The shit hit the vent this week as we read Going Public by Hudson Lin. Get ready to be mansplained gay sex by a woman. A-N-A-L S-E-X-uh. Pungent sex and wrinkly holes here we come. 

This episode is brought to you by Essence of C0ck N.2. A new NYMBC fragrance. Available in stores nowhere. 

Never The Same, Totally Unique, and Completely Not Ever Been Done Before, oh my! -Lady Gaga

Get ready to get a heart boner cause this week we’re reading Delta of Venus by the infamous Anaïs Nin. Shit ‘bout to get classy up in here smutz! Get your cock-tails and phallic shaped cigars ready cause this episode is steeped in (whisper) literature realness. Cue cinematic piano montage music. 

(Gin martinis with an orange twist required for this episode).

Senators, Centaurs, and Slime, oh my! 

Tentacles are feet. Welcome to another episode of Not Your Mother’s Book Club where this week we are reading The Kraken’s Sacrifice by Katee Robert. Like his mucusy tentacles, you’ll be as slick as a slippery lil snakey snake. Didn’t have a tentacle kink before this? You do now.

Secretaries, Ex-Boyfriend’s Daddies, and Job Hunting, oh my! 

This week we are finding the limit and playing within it. Yayy! It’s praise kinks! Now get on your knees as we read Praise by Sara Cate. Daddy likes it when you do as you’re told. Join our Patreon and give us money. That’s our good lil smut.

Bowing, Mewling, and Arching, oh my! 

The Gods have arrived and they are ready to fight for your vaginas…but only after global warming. Do you taste sounds, command shadows, and have a burning sensation in your fingers? Well sounds like you have…hemorrhoids. Please consult your doctor before sacrificing yourself in a universal war that makes no sense but leads to a sex scene so we’re rolling with it. This is gibberish. This is nonsensical. This is… fantasy. You're welcome.  

Oh yeah…and the book is Shadow and Ice by Gena Showalter (aka Christine Feehan’s BFF).