Older Women & Friends: Real Women. Real Experts. Real Talk About Aging

“No Way Out of This: Living with a Partner with Alzheimer’s.”

Sue Lick’s husband was fourteen years older, but that didn’t seem to matter. Yes, she loved the Beatles; he listened to crooners. But they sang together, played music together, and shared a love of reading, travel, and so much more.

“I thought he’d live forever,” Sue said.

It was her husband Fred who first mentioned that his memory was slipping. Sue shrugged it off and blamed the trauma of his mother dying and the chore of cleaning out her house.  But things spiraled down from there.

Sue, a journalist and semi-professional musician, journaled daily during Fred’s illness. It was the some thousand-odd pages that served as the basis for her memoir, No Way Out of This: Living with a Partner with Alzheimer's. She shares the heartache, the guilt, the loneliness but also the good times, the laughs, the happiness.

In this episode of “Older Women & Friends,” Sue and I take a deep dive into this horrendous disease, the challenges, and the tools to use for the caregiver to carry on. Unlike other memoirs about Alzheimer’s, Sue is not a self-sacrificing wife who gives up her life to care for her husband. She understands the necessity of maintaining her connection with friends and the importance of time away to, in her case, write and play music.

“You inherit your genetic blueprint from your parents. But you construct the person that you become. Just because you have a birthday every year, your body need not age yearly.”

                            _________ Dr. Gillian Lockitch, medical specialist, professor, and international speaker

In her new book, Growing Older, Living Younger: The Science of Aging Gracefully and Retiring (Comfortably), Gillian cites New research that reveals that what you think, how you move, what you eat, how you interact with others, stimulate your mind or challenge yourself, can modulate the expression of your genes.

In this episode, listeners follow Gillian’s journey from a happy woman who “had it all” to a depressed, isolated, overweight widow who, with time, research, and desire, took control of her life and changed her physical and mental health.

Gillian suggests a road map to help us as we age

• Make the choice to age healthily
• Create a roadmap and set goals
• Maintain a positive mindset, be mindful, and exercise your brain
• Evaluate your genetic risk factors and whether you can change them
• Ensure your living environment promotes healthy sleep, activity and nutrition
• Prevent falls and fractures
• Maintain a healthy body weight and avoid the metabolic syndrome
• Ensure you have good antioxidant protection
• Keep your bones strong, your joints mobile, and your muscles flexible
• Love your family
• Nurture your friendships
• Challenge yourself

Gillian explains the differences between genetics and epigenetics. It’s a heady distinction, but she is a pro at breaking this down and suggesting ways to live longer and better.

Growing Older Living Younger podcast https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/growing-older-living-younger-about-longevity-wellness/id1562021011

Get to know Dr. Gillian Lockitch linktr.ee/askdrgill

Gift: the url is  https://bit.ly/3DfjdtM The resource is called The 7 Keys to Growing Older Living Younger.

The book at www.gillianlockitch.com

Judith Horn was a geriatric physical therapist with decades of experience behind her, plus years as a specialist. The specialty is relatively new, but Judith saw the need to work with older patients whose needs differ greatly from others.

What is the value of seeing a geriatric physical therapist? Like any health issue, we choose to see a physician who specializes. Someone with a heart problem sees a cardiologist. Someone who has pulmonary issues sees a pulmonologist. Someone with migraines sees a neurologist. A geriatric PT can spotlight physical aches, pains, and the side effects of various surgeries. (See below for a complete list of conditions a geriatric PT can treat.)

Judith's grandmother played a significant role in her decision to become a therapist. She watched as she cared for her mother, Judith's great-grandmother, who'd lost the lower half of both legs and her eyesight due to diabetes.

As Judith's grandmother aged, Judith was instrumental in her care. And when her grandmother moved to a nursing home, Judith lived close by and visited her almost every day. When she asked her grandmother what she needed, her grandmother replied, "I have everything I need right here," as she patted her heart.

Judith never imagined that she'd suffer a serious disease and, in many ways, need the care of others. She first developed a macular hole like a "pothole" in the back of one eye. That scambled her sight; people looked like "monsters." Following surgery, that eye was almost useless. She needed cataract surgery. That helped, and for a year, she had a reprieve. Then, she had an optic nerve stroke in her "good" eye. Part of her field of vision was gone.

Today, Judith still juggles what she can and can't do. She has the most trouble with reading, which, for an educator and lifetime learner, is a huge challenge. Sometimes, her eyes get mixed up, which affects her balance and the amount of visual currency she has in a day.

Due to her illnesses, Judith had to retire earlier than she'd planned. Yet she says, there are new activities that she'd never pursued like painting and golf. Yep, golf! You can listen to Judith tell her own story on the podcast "Older Women & Friends" at janeleder.net or wherever you listen to podcasts.

Geriatric therapists treat a wide variety of clients:

• Healthy adults who want to continue to safely pursue sports and leisure activities as they age.
• People who are at risk for injuries from falls.
• Those with medical conditions that limit their movement or ability to take part in everyday activities.
• Critically ill or injured older adults in the hospital.
• Older people recovering from surgery.
• Frail adults who require short-term skilled nursing or long-term care.
• Older adults in hospice care who want to remain as independent as possible.
• 
  

Geriatric physical therapists often evaluate and treat people with health conditions, such as:

• Age-related progressive loss of muscle mass and strength (sarcopenia and frailty).
• Cancer-related problems.
• Falls risk.
• Fractures (broken bones such as a broken hip or femur, spinal compression fractures, and others).
• Heart and lung disorders (such as heart disease and heart failure).
• Joint replacements (such as knee, hip, or shoulder replacement) .
• Conditions such as stroke, Parkinson's, multiple sclerosis, and balance disorders.
• Osteoarthritis and rheumatoid arthritis.
• Osteopenia and osteoporosis.
• Overweight and obesity.
• Diabetes.
• Sports injuries.
• Wounds and amputations

https://www.choosept.com/why-physical-therapy/specialty-areas-physical-therapy/geriatric-physical-therapy

https://www.linkedin.com/in/judith-horn-pt-dpt-ms-gcs-525a6656/

https://www.apta.org/for-educators/curriculum-resources/geriatric-physical-therapy

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What kinds of changes do you make after a serious health crisis? For Leonie-Ruth Acland the changes after suffering a stroke and taking a year to recover resulted in a recommitment to the mentoring and coaching of women and to her connection with nature on so many levels. Then at age 67, Leonie-Ruth was diagnosed with ADHD. Until then, she'd always wondered why she didn't fit the mold, why staying focused was so hard, and why when she was younger she suffered from anxiety, particularly as a student. Her parents had high expectations and while she eventually met them, she paid a high price. A friend of her father's who'd been hired as a math tutor concluded that there was "a bit missing."

In many ways, the ADHD diagnosis completed the puzzle and was a relief. Like so many other women, the masking, or front, that Leonie-Ruth put forward to pretend to be someone she was not, took a high toll. It was mentally and physically exhausting. Since her diagnosis, Leonie-Ruth realizes that there is NOT something that needs to be fixed and that she is blessed with creativity and intuition as a result of ADHD.

Leonie-Ruth and her husband live on two acres of land in rural New South Wales, Australia. When they first moved in, there were no trees and no grass. Over the years, they've nursed the land back to life. They planted fifty fruit trees, raised ducks, grew vegetables and fruit, and created a space where people could flourish. This intense connection with nature has helped her better understand herself and connect to her inner work and the kindness and love she has for others.

https://pomegranatecircle.com/

https://www.linkedin.com/in/leonie-ruth-acland%F0%9F%8C%B1-746591a/

https://www.instagram.com/dontbecagedbyyourage/reel/C8b-yoZu6NJ/

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/adhd-women-exploring-the-neuroverse/id1739890898

Are you a risk taker? Do you thrive on trying new things, new things that may take you out of your comfort zone?

Helen Hirsh Spence knows all about taking calculated risks. She climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro, among other peaks, reclaimed her life after a bout of depression, and worked in places like Bolivia, and Honduras. She believes in getting out of her comfort zone to "expand, reach, and learn." Oh, did I mention that she was a Jane Goodall Institute board member? Helen knows Jane well and sees her as a role model for older women. "She's ninety, and travels more than 300 days a year to get her message out."

Helen has been a feminist since the early sixties, but as she has aged, she became aware of how she'd internalized many of the stereotypes about older women. "I'd been born into a lifetime of questioning my value as a woman, particularly as an older woman. If I'm feeling this way as an educator, I can't imagine how stereotypes and biases impact other women's lives. I felt like I couldn't or shouldn't do as much." This self-directed ageism led to depression.

"I'm too old to _______________"

"That doesn't suit me _________________"

"I shouldn't wear _______________ because this outfit is only for younger women."

Today, she is comfortable taking calculated risks. "Life is short; there is more work to be done." Helen is a self-described "age provocateur" who wants to provoke people to reframe the whole conversation about aging. She created Top Sixty Over Sixty, a niche consultancy that promotes longevity literacy by providing the tools and training to thrive in today’s aging and multigenerational world.

https://www.topsixtyoversixty.com/

https://www.linkedin.com/events/7259000354451722240/comments/

https://www.topsixtyoversixty.com/blog/

https://www.topsixtyoversixty.com/newsletter-signup/

What's so damn funny about death? Nothing, most folks would say. But not Gail Rubin, Thanatologist/Death Educator.

Let's face it: death is guaranteed 100 percent. It may be the "party that no event planner wants to plan." But don't include Gail among the party poopers.

How did Gail become a death educator? That's a long story but suffice it to say that Gail didn't wake up one morning and say, "I want to be the doyenne of death." For her, it started way back when she was a college student majoring in TV and Film. She didn't know it then, but an end-of-the-year movie project would set the table.

Gail sees herself as the bridge between the general public and end-of-life businesses like funeral homes, cemeteries, and life insurance companies. She is a national speaker who uses film and humor to help break the resistance a majority of people have to talk about death. Barely a third of Americans have had an end-of-life conversation and are completely unprepared when a loved one dies and, conversely, when loved ones are left responsible for your death.

Gail talks about the many important decisions that need to be made by all of us:

• Medical care
• Life Insurance
• Funeral, if any
• Body Distribution: Cremation? Burial (if so, what kind)?
• Wills
• Power of Attorney
• Estate planning
• 
  

Gail encourages us to "Shop before we drop." Get all our goodies in a row before it's too late, and family and friends are left with overwhelming questions about what to do and how to honor your wishes that were never discussed.

Have you heard about a green burial and what that involves? Water-based body distribution? Natural organic reduction? Death doula?

C'mon on. Get with it! Explore your choices. Make decisions. And then breathe a sigh of relief.

"Just like talking about sex doesn't make you pregnant," Gail says, "talking about death doesn't make you dead."

https://agoodgoodbye.com/about-gail/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jfjxvL4DSS8

https://www.linkedin.com/in/gailrubinctagoodgoodbye/

https://agoodgoodbye.com/shopping/

From the outside, Eleanor Vincent's childhood appeared idyllic. But behind the veneer of a loving, supportive environment was a darker secret: her mother was depressed, Eleanor was abused, and both her parents were same-sex gays and bitterly unhappy. "Our job--my siblings' and mine -- was to protect our parents and not let their secret out." During a year when her father lived in New York to pursue acting, her mother had a female lover. The tension was palpable.

One can only imagine how all of the stress, confusion, and anger molded Eleanor and impacted her choices in life, including her choice of men.

She met her first husband when she worked as a cocktail waitress to augment her salary from a Montessori teaching job. The marriage lasted just four years. They had one child, a girl. At age thirty-two, Eleanor married again. By her mid-30s, she was a single mom with two children to raise.

Eleanor was single for the next thirty-five years until she met and married for a third time at age seventy-one.

If only her story ended there in a happy, supportive marriage. But Eleanor had unwittingly fallen in love with a man who had Asperger's, a developmental disability (some disagree with that categorization), or a person with different brain wiring from neurotypical brains. Didn't she see worrisome signs when they were dating? Yes. But she chose to minimize or overlook them because there was so much good in the relationship. (Some warning signs included no eye contact, inability to talk about emotions, and social awkwardness.)

"I had no idea what that would look like in a day-to-day relationship with a partner," Eleanor said. "It was upsetting, confusing," she said. "He love-bombed me and fooled me into thinking that being in a relationship with me was something he wanted more than anything."

Eleanor tells the rest of the story in her new book, Disconnected: Portrait of a Neurodiverse Marriage. She talks to me in this fascinating episode about what can happen when two people come together but don't realize that their brains are wired differently and that the ensuing struggle may doom the marriage, no matter how either partner tries.

There are, however, steps couples can take to try to heal and remain partnered. Eleanor outlines those on her website and in her new book. There is hope, but it's a tough road ahead. For Eleanor, the road ended in divorce.

https://www.eleanorvincent.com/author/epvince/

https://www.vineleavespress.com/

https://shorturl.at/mLNVa

& Wherever books are sold

What can grandparents do to foster a strong relationship? How can a grandparent be the GEO, Grand Parent Officer?

Are you a grandparent who will spend time with your grandchildren, particularly around the holidays? If not, how will you share and engage with your grandchildren from a distance at any time of year?

There are 47 million grandparents in the United States, with an average age of 67. This may be a surprise: 71 percent of grandparents are still working. So, what can these grandparents do to nurture the relationship? How can they engage? How can a grandparent be the GEO, Grand Parent Officer?

Kerry Byrne is a researcher, collaborator, and entrepreneur in aging, care, and connection. She is the Founder of The Long Distance Grandparent, a mission-driven business, that helps grandparents build strong bonds with their grandchildren – no matter the distance between them.

There is so much to unpack in this episode of "Older Women & Friends." Perhaps most important are the stories grandparents share, stories that show a grandparent facing challenges, floundering, and then succeeding. These stories are important for generations to come. Even if it seems as if a grandchild is not listening, she is.

Kerry outlines many things that a grandparent can do to foster and nurture a relationship that is beneficial for everyone. Among these suggestions is the over-arching importance of a grandchild feeling seen, heard, and listened to. There are many ways to accomplish this goal:

* Engage in what a grandchild does and your activities as well

* If you're still working, share your job. Mail some selfies of you in the workplace. Text or write about some of the challenges.

* If you can't be there for holidays like Thanksgiving, come up with a game like the Gratitude Game. (Listen to the episode to find out how the game is played.)

* Mention qualities of a grandchild that you admire: a good listener, a good friend, a good fill-in-the-blank.

* Relish your high-quality relationships and how your example creates a generation of less ageist generations.

Like any relationship, the one between grandparent and grandchild is a lot of work. You juggle not only that connection but the one with your children and your own. But the payoffs are worth the time, energy, and creativity.

You can assume your role as Grandparent Encouragement Officer (GEO) and create beautiful connections.

https://thelongdistancegrandparent.com/

https://www.instagram.com/thelongdistancegrandparent/p/CcQ-ryLLMj9/

https://www.linkedin.com/in/kerry-byrne-phd-20953528/?originalSubdomain=ca

"My favorite species is the human species." ----- Lucinda Sykes, retired MD

Did you know that new science links prescribed sleeping pills to an increase in your chances of dementia and Alzheimers?

Sleeping pills don't put you to sleep; they sedate the brain and prevent it from giving itself a power wash that gets rid of material ultimately connected to disease.

This episode's guest is Lucida Sykes, retired MD and current sleep coach. You may have listened to an earlier episode with Lucinda. This is a Command Performance.

"Millions of older women are being taken from their families," Lucinda says. Her grandmother is a case in point. Every night, Lucinda went to the drugstore

to pick up her grandmother's sleeping pills. She died in her 60s from complications now understood to be partially due to sleeping pills.

When we can't fall asleep, our mind tends to catastrophize. We think of the worst possibilities and ruminate about them over and over again.

So, what are some useful ideas when we can't fall asleep?

*Get out of bed

*Do something that relaxes you, and engages you (puzzles, needlework, reading, etc.)

*Dim the lights - avoid blue lights; instead, surround yourself with amber and pinkish tones

*& More

The key is to avoid stimulation when you sleep and create an uncluttered space outside of the bedroom that calms and relaxes you. Maybe the room is full of fragrances like lavender or maybe there is a sound system that plays calm music.

There is so much more research packed into what is an informative, fast-paced episode of "Older Women & Friends."

https://lucindasykesmd.com/

https://www.joyfulafter50.com/about

https://lucindasykesmd.com/my-story/

https://www.linkedin.com/in/lucinda-sykes-md-71a25651/?originalSubdomain=ca

Did you know that sometime between 2030 and 2035 it will be the first time in American history that more people will be 65+ than people 18 years and younger?

Crazy!

Today's guest, gerontologist Jeanette Leardi, is one of this podcast's favorite guests. We first talked in June 2003, and since then she has a new book out, Aging Sideways: Changing Our Perspectives on Getting Older.

Jeanette's story is fascinating. She became a gerontologist in her late 50s after taking care of her older parents for ten years. She was blown away at how poorly older people were treated and decided to try to change people's minds about aging. The way we age is not preordained and in many ways, we can be our stewards and enjoy the complex but magical journey as we age.

There is a fear that permeates the cultural view of dementia or any of its categories.

The facts: Only 10% of people 65 + have dementia

For those 90+, the rate jumps to 33.3%, but that means that two-thirds of much older Americans will not have to confront dementia.

And that's good news!

Another topic Jeanette and I discussed is the lack of rituals for older people. Sure, there are birthdays, anniversaries, and other important events, but nothing specifically for older women and men. Rituals help clarify meaning, and they give us a chance to celebrate. Jeanette suggests a multi-generational ritual when we celebrate aging instead of dreading it. Imagine the benefits: younger generations will love celebrating right along and might not have such a negative, jaded view of getting older. And there is the opportunity for older people to welcome newcomers into the fold. I don't know, something akin to ceremonies we've observed: sororities, fraternities, graduations, professional highlights, retirement, and on and on.

Did you know that our brains continue to create new brain cells and that the super highways help us see the what-ifs, the middle ground between good/bad, yes/no . . . ? Our brains may work more slowly because of the wealth of experiences over a lifetime. I like to liken our memory to a card catalog. Remember those? It took us time to find the book( s) we were after but with patience we were rewarded.

Finally, Jeanette and I discuss creativity in older age and how our creativity differs from that of younger people. She details four characteristics of creative folks and reminds listeners that all of us are creative daily as we choose the words we want to use, and the stories we tell to our friends and family. This is a time to pursue whatever gives us pleasure and stokes our creativity. This a time when we are not so dependent upon what others think about us and how we choose to spend our time. It is freedom to be embraced.