Papa's Basement

May the valkyries shepherd you to Valhalla, brave viking. (I can't decide if he looks more dead or roofied in this picture.)

Chris Lingebach (1987-2017) was an immense comedic talent cut down far before his time. He was also, more importantly, a good friend. A friend who happened to suffer from high anxiety.

You see, Chris Lingebach is taking a vacation to Mexico this Wednesday. And, while he isn't certain how he's going to die on said vacation, he's sure that he will. Is that the anxiety talking? Maybe. But don't leap to that conclusion. I mean, that would be vintage Chris, lulling us into a false sense of security only to yank the rug out from under us.

So, be it a terrorist bombing his plane, a Mexican drug cartel or simple intestinal parasite that Chris thinks will take him to his great reward, humor the man and listen to this episode, which will be his last (according to him).

Click here to listen to the latest episode of Papa's Basement in your browser or here to open and listen in iTunes (you can also use the embedded player below the ad). And, if you want to see our faces that very clearly are fit for radio, you can watch a YouTube video of the show here.

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Alex is smirking because he was the penis model used for the packaging.

It’s always a great day in the Papa’s Basement studios (which, ironically, is not located in a basement) when companies send us innovative and fun products to give away to the listeners (or keep, if my fingers are feeling especially sticky).

This week we have not one, not four, but three items to give away from the good people at Clone-A-Willy. ( USE  CODE: PAPAS FOR 20% OFF!!!!)No, they don’t make a kit that literally clones a disembodied penis (that would be off-putting and probably unsanitary): Instead, their delightful product allows you to make a rubber cast of your penis in a variety of colors (sadly, not a variety of sizes. You’re stuck with what God gave ya in that department). And what to do with your rubber penis? The sky’s the limit on that one! Give it to a loved one. Pretend you’re a unicorn. Use it to stir margaritas. The list goes on and on!

Not only do we have two clone-a-willy kits (one in neon purple and another in glow-in-the-dark neon green), but there’s a clone-a-pussy kit for our adventurous female listeners. And dont worry, ladies: It all stays external. No backing up a cement mixer to the Batcave.

We are giving away all three items via an on-air contest: Simply tell us why, in an email, Tweet, Facebook message or carrier pigeon leg note, you want the product and what you plan to do with it. We will keep the entries anonymous (though they will be read on-air and voted on), so go nuts.

Oh, and the episode also has a lot of talk about the amazing Shittown podcast and why Tinder sucks unless you a goddamn toddler's haircut model like Pete. (Twitter follow me and co-host Chris, too, while you're at it.)

Click here to listen to the latest episode of Papa's Basement in your browser or here to open and listen in iTunes (you can also use the embedded player below the ad). And, if you want to see our faces that very clearly are fit for radio, you can watch a YouTube video of the show here.

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The homeless woman I saw before recording this episode made this woman look like the Man in the Iron Mask by comparison, but you get the gist.

Have you ever seen a really attractive homeless person? I mean exceptionally beautiful, to the point your jaw dropped? Well, on the way in to record this episode, I did. The woman in question looked like a young Jessica Simpson (and couldn't be any dumber, so bonus) and it left me thinking: How did it happen? Because, let's be honest: Smart people fail in America. As do nice people, moral people and kind people. But attractive people? Shit, that's just freakish.

I debate just went wrong in this statuesque blonde's life with comedian Jimmy Maher, a DC mainstay, and co-host Pete Maybe. We come up with some funny (and maybe accurate) answers. On top of the sexy hobo, I also relay the tale of being forced to work while I was, let's say, less than able to. If that's cryptic, well, just listen and find out what the hell I mean. Cause it's worth it. I promise. Also, give Jimmy and Pete a follow!

Click here to listen to the latest episode of Papa's Basement in your browser or here to open and listen in iTunes (you can also use the embedded player below the ad). And, if you want to see our faces that very clearly are fit for radio, you can watch a YouTube video of the show here.

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Five viewings later, I still can't decide if Gentlemen Broncos is a masterpiece or horrible. Films depicting space commandos riding a flying deer that can launch missiles tend to be polarizing like that.

I watch a lot of movies. That's what happens when you have HBO GO, Netflix and Amazon Prime coupled with no wife and kids and a job that lets you make your own hours. And, after having churned through so many movies since the inception of film streaming, I can safely say Gentlemen Broncos is maybe the weirdest, worst (but also best) offering I have come upon in that search.

Made my Jared Hess, the creator of Napoleon Dynamite, it was such a big flop that it effectively ended his career. And, well...I can kinda see why. A mix of deadpan delivery and uncharismatic characters, it isn't everyone's cup of tea. Hell, I kinda hate the movie, and yet watch it every chance I can. It's the cinematic equivalent of smelling your own farts. For those of you curious, it's currently on HBO GO.

But that's not all! Pete and I also get into our gross addiction to the latest Zelda game (Breath of the Wild), which has come along right when we have become newly single and have both depression and time to kill. Hear all about this masterpiece of time-devouring gaming as well as the (self-perceived) drama from accidentally friend-requesting a friend's wife on Facebook in the latest Papa's Basement. TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT OUR SHOW DAMMIT!

Click here to listen to the latest episode of Papa's Basement in your browser or here to open and listen in iTunes (you can also use the embedded player below the ad). And, if you want to see our faces that very clearly are fit for radio, you can watch a YouTube video of the show here.

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If a Lebanese porn star with implants and glasses doesn't get me downloads, then I have gravely misjudged my audience.

(Forgive the sometimes-shoddy audio quality of this episode: We experimented with a new audio setup and are still ironing out the kinks.)

Leave it to Othman to bring something new and weird to our attention. In this case, it's a site called "Porn Wikileaks" that, horribly, spills the personal info of all your favorite porn stars. But the story doesn't stop there. Othman then goes ahead and does some things with that info that have to be heard to be believed. And that's just act three of the show! The hour leading up to that is filled with all of your standard Papa's Basement fare. If you were a fan of Howard Stern, Don & Mike or whatever dj team ruled your airwaves before radio died, then give us a listen. You'll love it.

Click here to listen to the latest episode of Papa's Basement in your browser or here to open and listen in iTunes (you can also use the embedded player below the ad). And, if you want to see our faces that very clearly are fit for radio, you can watch a YouTube video of the show here.

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Clearly the Pokemon I relate to most.

I'm not a driven man. At least, when it comes to productive things. (When it comes to powering through a Netflix series in 48 hours or beating a massive video game over a three-day weekend, I'm your man.) Pete, the show's co-host and a much more driven man, gives me shit about it (rightfully so) and I cave on air, offering up some of the grossest examples of my laziness for you all to laugh at. Between that, a followup on how our Valentine's Days went and our one co-host's fear that Trump will bring about the end of days (specifically, missiles aimed at DC, our home), it's a packed episode. And remember, if you enjoy the show, please subscribe to us on iTunes or Stitcher using the links below and rate us. It helps a lot.

Click here to listen to the latest episode of Papa's Basement in your browser or here to open and listen in iTunes (you can also use the embedded player below the ad). And, if you want to see our faces that very clearly are fit for radio, you can watch a YouTube video of the show here.

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I'm your little candy man!

Another year, another Valentine's Day. Hear three men at various stages of their relationships/singlehood discuss how they plan to spend this bullshit Hallmark holiday.

For those that don't want to have their hearts ripped out, we also talk a trip up to New York to watch the Super Bowl in Harlem at a bar where things, shockingly, got a little racial once the Atlanta Falcons collapsed. Top it off with a pit stop at a bizarre pizza parlor run by an Italian immigrant with Elvis shit all over the walls in middle-of-nowhere New Jersey, and you have a fine way to spend an hour on Singles Masturbation Day.

Click here to listen to the latest episode of Papa's Basement in your browser or here to open and listen in iTunes (you can also use the embedded player below the ad). And, if you want to see our faces that very clearly are fit for radio, you can watch a YouTube video of the show here.

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Those of you that didn't live in DC, you have no idea what a bummer this is.

For those of you that grew up listening to DC radio (and, specifically, the Don and Mike Show), Tom Gavin was a gem. A special-needs caller, he would live to get on-air, often derailing shows in a hilarious way once there. On top of that, Tom hosted a show at the same public access station we make the show at. Tom died last week, and I wanted to say a bit about him, because he’ll be missed.

But that’s not all! Longtime listeners know that I have a very sick game I like to play with my mom. Namely, when I learn about a celeb death that will no doubt break her heart, I call her immediately so that she hears the news from me. Sort of an A-list grim reaper. I got to do it again with Mary Tyler Moore. The results…well, listen. But they were good.

And the show wraps up with my laughably pathetic attempt to reach out to comedian Chris Gethard. If you want to Ricky Gervais-level squirm in your seats, well, this story will do it.

Click here to listen to the latest episode of Papa's Basement in your browser or here to open and listen in iTunes (you can also use the embedded player below the ad).

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If the message isn't offensive, the lack of proper punctuation and capitalization certainly is.

A few weeks ago (so this might as well be a post about the Operation Desert Storm, given our attention spans), a server at Anita's Restaurant in Ashburn, VA named Kelly Carter (who's black) was left a zero tip and racist message on a receipt (link to an article about it). What's odd, other than this guy using the word "black" and not the n-bomb (I mean, if you're gonna go for it, go for it with gusto, dude), is that I've eaten at this place a million times (and yet still have washboard abs) and had Kelly as a waitress multiple times. She's awesome. (I'd say one of the good ones, but that doesn't read right, does it?) So, I talk about the oddness of having this stuff happen to someone I (loosely) know, and also toss in my most-recent work horror story, since those seem to always be hits. Share and love the latest Papa's Basement!

Click here to listen to the latest episode of Papa's Basement in your browser or here to open and listen in iTunes (you can also use the embedded player below the ad).

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Anyone else fantasize about getting head from Anne Hathaway in The Devil Wears Prada while Meryl Streep coldly looks on and critiques her technique? Just me? Okay, cool. Then I didn't say that thing I just said.

I watched Sunday's Golden Globes. (Not because I'm gay, but because I live with my mom. Please, get it right. I have a reputation to uphold!) The highlight of it was undoubtedly Meryl Streep, during her acceptance for the Cecil B. DeMille Lifetime Achievement Award, calling out Donald Trump for being a piece of crap and waiting for the Petulant Orange One's inevitable Twitter reply to follow. It didn't disappoint. Hear all about that, what we did with our New Year's Eves and, for the ladies, a segment I like to call "Would You Bang A Handsome Little Person?" on the latest Papa's Basement.