Are you being kind, or are you just being careful? I’ve been chewing on this lately. We often wrap our silence in the soft, respectable blanket of “kindness.” We tell ourselves it isn’t the right time, or that they’ve got enough on their plate, or that we don’t want to make things worse. It sounds lovely, doesn’t it? Very noble.

But if I’m being honest - and a bit confronting - it’s usually a lie.

Underneath that “kindness” is pure self-protection. We aren’t saving them; we’re saving ourselves from the discomfort of a reaction. We’re staying quiet because we’re terrified of getting it wrong.

But here’s the problem: unspoken things don’t evaporate. They stay in the room. They show up in your tone, your lack of patience, and that subtle pull-back where there used to be openness. Real kindness isn’t staying safe - it’s having the courage to be real so the relationship can actually stay alive.

We’ve been diving into this at Woman’s Hour (our free monthly gathering at Rites for Girls). It’s where we stop performing and start connecting. Because if you aren’t being honest, you aren’t really there, are you?

Maybe try starting with: “I might not get this right, but you matter enough to me that I want to try.”

Thank you for pausing with me. Take care.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

You know the one.

It’s the conversation you’ve rehearsed in the shower, the one you’ve dissected with your friends, and the one you’ve tucked away so many times it’s started to grow a layer of dust. We tell ourselves we’re staying silent to be “kind” or to avoid a scene, but if I’m being honest, that’s rubbish.

We aren’t protecting them; we’re protecting ourselves. We’re choosing the safety of our own comfort over the messiness of a real connection.

I’ve sat at my own kitchen table, words catching in my throat, trying to figure out how to say something to my child in a way that wouldn’t upset the apple cart. But when we offer a diluted, “acceptable” version of ourselves, we lose the very thing we’re trying to save: the relationship. You can’t have a real connection with a performance.

It doesn’t have to be perfect. You can even start by admitting you’re likely to muck it up. But stop carrying the weight of the unsaid. Resentment is a heavy thing to lug around, and it doesn’t just disappear because you’ve ignored it.

Maybe today isn’t the day for the whole showdown. But it could be the day you move just a tiny bit closer to what’s real.

Thank you for pausing with me. Take care.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

There are no prizes for coping. So why are we trying to do this on our own?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot, because I think one of the biggest sources of stress in parenting isn’t just what we’re doing - it’s the feeling that it’s all on us. And it isn’t meant to be.

I remember a time when my children were younger and everything felt relentless. No sleep, constant noise, work, emotions, the lot. And a friend said, very casually, “Why don’t we just swap for a couple of hours?” She took my children. I took hers the next day. And those few hours felt like a revelation. Not because I did anything extraordinary, but because I stopped. And eventually we made it regular - and even agreed that part of that time had to be a proper break, not just catching up on everything we hadn’t done.

Because that’s the trap, isn’t it? When we finally get a moment, we fill it.

But what if we didn’t? What if we let ourselves be supported instead?

Somewhere along the line, many of us picked up the idea that we should be able to manage it all - our children, our homes, our work - without needing help. And that if we do need help, we’re not coping. But the opposite is true. Parenting works better when it’s shared. When we borrow time, borrow energy, borrow each other’s sanity.

So maybe this isn’t about doing more. Maybe it’s about asking more.

One small swap. One shared afternoon. Asking more often, could you…?

Because we were never meant to do this alone.

Thank you for pausing with me. Take care.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

What if trying to be a “good parent” is the very thing exhausting you?

In Stress Awareness month I’ve been reflecting on parent stress, and I think for many of us, the stress isn’t just parenting - it’s the standard we’re holding ourselves to while we do it.

Patient. Present. Calm. Consistent.All the time.

It’s like we’re quietly measuring ourselves against an invisible checklist, and of course we’re falling short. We’re human.

I was talking to a mum recently who was doing everything right. The food, the conversations, the emotional availability. And she looked completely worn out. There was no space for her anywhere in her parenting. She’d become the perfect parent… and disappeared in the process.

And I’ve done that too.

So here’s a shift: Not trying to be better, but allowing ourselves to be real. A bit stretched sometimes. A bit off. Not always getting it right.

Because when we do that, the pressure drops. Not just for us, but for our children too.

They don’t need perfect parents. They need ones they can recognise as human.

So maybe “good enough” isn’t settling for less, but it’s the thing that makes this sustainable.

Thank you for pausing with me. Take care.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

You can’t take sick leave from parenting… so what happens when you’re completely done?

Not tired in a manageable way - but that bone-deep, can’t-even-make-toast kind of tired. And still, the day rolls on. Lunchboxes, questions, moods, needs.

I had a moment like that recently where I thought, I can’t keep doing this. And what I realised was - I can’t keep doing it like this. Not parenting itself, but the way I was trying to parent. The pace, the expectations, the pressure to keep getting it right.

Because I think that’s where so much of our stress lies. Not just in what we have to do, but in what we expect of ourselves while we’re doing it. To be calm, patient, present, consistent… all the time.

So I tried something small. I lowered the bar. Not dramatically - just enough. Let something go. Did less. Sat down instead of pushing through. And nothing fell apart.

So maybe the question isn’t how do we cope with this level of stress. Maybe it’s what could we ease - just a little, just for today.

Because we can’t step away from parenting. But we can take some of the pressure off how we’re doing it.

Thank you for pausing with me. Take care.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

Your child’s anxiety isn’t the only thing in the room - yours is too.

And I don’t say that to blame us. I say it because it’s true. I’ve felt it myself. My child anxious, and suddenly my own body tightens, my thoughts speed up, my voice sharpens. And in that moment, I’m not calming anything… I’m amplifying it.

Because children don’t just listen to us. They feel us. They borrow our nervous system.

If we’re anxious, it tells them there’s something to be anxious about. But if we can steady ourselves - even just a little - that’s what they catch instead. And we don’t have to feel calm to do this. We can slow our breathing, soften our voice, create a bit more space. And their body responds, often without them even realising it.

It’s like when a small child falls and looks to us - “How bad is this?”Our reaction becomes their reality.

So this isn’t about being perfectly calm. That’s not possible. It’s about noticing when we’ve been pulled into the spiral… and gently bringing ourselves back. Because in doing that, we’re not just helping them in that moment. We’re teaching them something they will carry for life: How to feel anxious… and still find their way back to steady.

Thank you for pausing with me. Take care.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

What if all that helping… is actually making things harder?

I see this so often. A parent saying, “I just want them to be okay,” and underneath that, a constant smoothing. Preparing, checking, guiding, stepping in. Like those people in curling, frantically brushing the ice so nothing gets in the way.And it comes from love. Of course it does.

When we smooth everything out for our children, we quietly teach them that the world is full of problems… and that they might not be able to handle them.

When we step in too quickly, we take away the very experiences that build confidence. Because confidence doesn’t come from things going well. It comes from, “That was hard… and I got through it.” So growing up actually needs a bit of wobble. A social misstep. A disappointment. A moment of uncertainty. Not too much. But enough. Enough for them to discover that they can feel uncomfortable… and survive it.

So sometimes, the most helpful thing we can do is less. Less fixing. Less predicting. Less stepping in too soon. And more trusting. Not that the world is easy but that our child can meet it. And that’s one of the hardest things to do as a parent… and one of the most powerful.

Thank you for pausing with me. Take care.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

What if the thing you most want to get rid of… is actually the part trying to help?

When a child is anxious, everything in us wants to fix it. Calm it. Make it go away. I sat with a girl recently who said, “I just feel like something bad is going to happen all the time.” And her mum looked at me as if to say - please, can you stop this?

But what if anxiety isn’t the problem? What if it’s the signal?

Because anxiety is the body saying something doesn’t feel right. Something is too much. Something doesn’t make sense. And if we rush to quiet the alarm without asking why it’s going off… we miss something important.

I’m not saying we leave children in distress. Of course not. But instead of treating anxiety like the enemy, we might get curious. What is this pointing to?Pressure? Loneliness? Feeling out of control? Something they don’t yet have the words for?

Because when we act like anxiety is something that needs fixing, children start to feel like they are the problem. But when we treat it like information… something shifts. They feel less alone. Less broken. More understood. And sometimes that’s when the anxiety begins to loosen - not because we’ve solved it, but because we’ve listened.

Thank you for pausing with me. Take care.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

What if your child’s anxiety isn’t the problem - but the part that’s still working?

When our child is anxious, something instinctive kicks in. We want to fix it. Remove it. Make it go away as quickly as possible. It can feel almost unbearable to watch. But what if anxiety is actually doing its job?

Not a malfunction but a signal. A signal that something feels too much, too uncertain, or not quite safe. And when you look at the world our children are growing up in - more pressure, more comparison, more exposure, more disconnection - it make sense.

But when we rush to fix anxiety, we can accidentally deepen it. Because the message becomes: this feeling is too much, you can’t handle it, something’s wrong.

And then children become anxious… about being anxious.

So instead of jumping in with solutions, what if we started somewhere simpler? “That makes sense.” “I can see why that feels a lot.” “I’m here.” Not fixing. Not analysing. Just being alongside. Because anxiety softens in relationship. Not in techniques. Not in tools. In connection.

Confidence doesn’t come from avoiding difficulty. It comes from moving through it and discovering, “I was okay.” Which means we have to allow some discomfort. Not all of it - but some.

And notice ourselves too. Because our children don’t just listen to us. They feel us. They borrow our nervous system. Anxiety is contagious. But so is calm. So we slow our breath. Soften our voice. Stay steady where we can. Not perfectly. Just enough.

Anxiety isn’t a sign something has gone terribly wrong. It might just be a sign that something needs attention. And if we can help our children feel things… and still be okay… then we’re giving them something far more powerful than a quick fix.

Thank you for pausing with me. Take care.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe

What if trying to be a ‘good parent’ is the very thing slowing your recovery?

I’ve been ill for a couple of weeks, and I’ve caught myself doing something so familiar - trying to parent well while feeling dreadful. Still tidying, still sorting, still pushing myself to be patient and present… and all it’s done is delay my getting better.

Much better, when we’re ill, is if we can let everything extra drop away. The smoothing, the managing, the holding it all together. And what’s left isn’t polished - but it is honest. Iinstead of performing good parenting, we could do something much simpler. Tell the truth.“I’m not feeling well today.”“I might be quieter.”“I might not be as patient.”

And in that, our children see something they can actually trust. That being a parent doesn’t mean being endlessly resourced. It means being real - and still caring. And strangely, that can bring them closer. It gives them space to notice us, to step up a little, to meet us differently.

So if you’re ill and not showing up as your best self - you’re not failing. You’re showing them what it looks like to be human, and still in relationship. And that might be far more valuable than doing everything well.

Thank you for pausing with me. Take care.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe