Plumbing the Death Star

Oh no, in a weird twist of fate Johnny Allspikes is shooting spikes from all over his body and that young boy has turned into a ham dinner! Best send them off to that school that deals with this kind of thing. Sure Charles Xavier (who we’re pretty sure is a professor) might be able to help them with their mutant powers or whatever, but can he give them a good education? We delve into past teachers at the academy, offer alternative teaching methods and really focus in on the Mathlympics. All we know is that come graduation day we’re going to be sweating bullets (metaphorically and for some of us maybe literally) as we look off into the horizon in anticipation of some kind of sentinel, friend of humanity, bad mutant or us from the future to come over and ruin our day. Hopefully nothing will appear and we’ll just get to kiss Xavier on top of his bald head and never have to join the X-Men.

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Oh no da boys have done it again, tripped over with their pants around their ankles and fallen through the portal that goes to every universe. They also did a little fart when they fell. We look at the pros and cons of Scott Bakulaing v Jerry O’Connelling and when dealt with infinite possibilities the answer is always yes. And no. Zammit uses the multiverse to go to the beach, take ambien and fall into a deep depression, JD wins the lottery and stands with her (in holy matrimony) and Jackson lives in constant fear of being the only Jackson with hair. So let’s all have a quick stop into porno-realm before going on to Oneing ourselves and end our multiverse sojourn by ruining a horses day.

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Do you have a delinquent son? Your child playing up and you don’t know what to do? Or maybe you just want your kid to have the best possible start on the journey that is life? Well do we have a solution for you! With this here fachugger we can cocoon your boy and like a beautiful moth emerging after going through a not-at-all-terrifying metamorphosis, your child will emerge like they were a brand guy! With drive! Ambition! A little guy on their tongue! Spooky as all hell! But if that’s not your speed and you’re on of those freaks that’s an exotic pet enthusiast we have this little fella here that swims real good we think. Plus we’ll even throw in the acid proof glass you’ll need for your aquarium and or terrarium. Why do you need that? Don’t worry about it, perhaps that isn’t for you and maybe you’ll be interested in becoming an investor in our brand new patented technology of acid mining! Where we safely put these Alien creatures in a pit and use all those bullets we have too much of to safely put down layers and layers of acid. It’ll melt away all that dirt and rock and leave only the precious dirt and rock we want we reckon. Get in now while the gettin’s good! Xenomorphs: it’s for everyone!

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The more we keep thinking about Skrulls the more questions we keep having. The biggest problem with Skrulls are if they’re even a problem. Sure they can look like your dad but who cares? Some people said I looked like Jeff Buckley when I was younger, didn’t do much for me or Jeff (he was dead at the time). Now if I had done a Talented Mr Ripley on ol’ Jeffy boy, that’s bad! But I didn’t, so who cares? Plus why are the Skrulls relying on Fury for anything? The Skrulls are better than humans on every level. The Skrulls are Skrulls! Fury’s an old man! This show is silly, we advise you don’t watch it. Two dads tho? Now there’s a show. Three? My three dads?? That’s money for jam.

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Oh no da boys have done it again, tripped over with their pants around their ankles and fallen through the portal that goes to the Cars universe. They also did a little fart when they fell. Now they’re living in a world where the cars are alive, the animals are cars and even the planes are cars! Going through Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, the gang quickly stumble on the first and barely get to the second. With more questions than answers we at least know we can eat their tongues and (maybe) eyes. New sentences are formed this week as fumes from all these cars bleeds into the studio and the dumbest things possible just fall from our mouths.

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Wilson, the famous volley ball, barely does anything in that movie wherein he plays famous volley ball and life coach to Mr Tom Castaways. In fact he even abandons Mr Castaways and the penultimate scene in the movie! Some might say he was thrown overboard and it was a tragic end for Wilson, but you’d be wrong. So we figured we’d have a crack at being a famous volley ball and life coach. We can provide great companionship, we’re yappy and LOVE to run our mouths plus we’d gossip about all the other inanimate objects we’ve grown attached to like rope, rock and crab. So close your eyes, take your hands off the wheel and set controls to manual as it’s time for everyone’s favourite show: Pilot Distraction Hour!

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It’s the biggest event of the MCU that no one’s talking about! Because no one really cares! When did James “Rhodey" Rhodes aka War Machine get taken over by a Skrull? The boys try to figure out the perfect time to nab the real Rhodes, try to figure out just when the invasion they kept oh so secret kicked off and try to figure out how Skrull work? It’s confusing and badly presented in the TV show. From missed opportunities to clowns as a metaphor, we ensure that no stone (or gem (which Rhodes could have just grabbed (if he was a skrull at the time) as he was right there)) is left unturned trying to figure out when this feasibly could have happened. The answer won’t surprise you. Or it might, as you didn’t watch this garbage.

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Our son’s talking back but thankfully we have the power of tornado to teach him a lesson! From ‘be careful of ‘nados’ to ‘the hierarchy of things to save’, we leave no stone unturned in our quest to finally teach our boy a worthwhile lesson (while also dying valiantly to a tornado). So pat that Dog Kent on the head, keep cows away from Boy Kent and no matter what, get Ma Kent to the underpass while I, Pa Kent, teach you a life lesson in a very unique and interesting way.

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While Marty McFly has only one thing on his mind (making his parents fuck pussy from behind style) the boys are gobsmacked by this new sound they didn’t even know they were looking for. With little to no musical talent, these three idiots with dog brains have 3 years to capitalise on what will be the feel good hit of the summer! While badly remembering the lyrics Calvin Kline sang, the gang ultimately convince themselves the theme of the song was crawfish and lean in hard and thus the band Crawfish Daddies is formed and comes out with the very relatable (at least in the South) single ‘Crawfish Car’. Sing along as Jackson gives his past self a puzzling message, JD isn’t impressed by you hearing a song and Zammit instantly tries to glom on to any fame and fortune using the only thing he has going for him: his mouth.

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