Praxis Podcast with Rhett Smith

Anxiety is a topic that I love to talk about. I have written extensively about it on this blog and in my book The Anxious Christian. And the reason I write about it so much is two-fold: 1) I know that everyone struggles with anxiety at some point in their life, or throughout their life. It's part of the human condition. 2) My life has really been transformed when I have had the courage to face my anxiety and grow from it. Ultimately, I see anxiety as an opportunity for growth in our lives if we listen and lean into it.

So this week I wanted to record and post five shorter podcast episodes on the topic of anxiety. I have talked at length about anxiety in earlier podcasts here (where I talk about how to identify anxiety in your life and use it as a catalyst for growth) and here: where I talk about specific tools and exercises to help you with your anxiety, but this week I wanted to keep it short as we head into the transition from the year end holidays and the new year where people often experience a lot of anxiety.

In this episode I want to explore two things:

• What are the roots of your anxiety?
• What would it look like for you to take an honest look at your anxiety to better understand it?

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Plano, TX. I specialize in relationships, both marriage and non-marital, as well as working with individual men and women, and adolescent boys. Some of the topics that I specialize in are anxiety, depression, transitions, spiritual issues, and all forms of relational struggles. I am the author of the books The Anxious Christian, and What it Means to be a Man. Check out my weekly podcast where I interview guests and cover a lot of these same topics. #marriagetherapy #marriagecounseling #marriagetherapyplano #marriagecounselingplano #anxiety #depression #relationships #mensissues #plano #frisco #mckinney #prosper #75093

Anxiety is a topic that I love to talk about. I have written extensively about it on this blog and in my book The Anxious Christian. And the reason I write about it so much is two-fold: 1) I know that everyone struggles with anxiety at some point in their life, or throughout their life. It's part of the human condition. 2) My life has really been transformed when I have had the courage to face my anxiety and grow from it.Ultimately, I see anxiety as an opportunity for growth in our lives if we listen and lean into it.

So this week I wanted to record and post five shorter podcast episodes on the topic of anxiety. I have talked at length about anxiety in earlier podcasts here (where I talk about how to identify anxiety in your life and use it as a catalyst for growth) and here: where I talk about specific tools and exercises to help you with your anxiety, but this week I wanted to keep it short as we head into the transition from the year end holidays and the new year where people often experience a lot of anxiety.

In this episode I want to impart to you two things:

• It's okay to be anxious. You are not alone.
• What anxiety looks and feels like, and what the numbers are in terms of anxiety and the population.

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Plano, TX. I specialize in relationships, both marriage and non-marital, as well as working with individual men and women, and adolescent boys. Some of the topics that I specialize in are anxiety, depression, transitions, spiritual issues, and all forms of relational struggles. I am the author of the books The Anxious Christian, and What it Means to be a Man. Check out my weekly podcast where I interview guests and cover a lot of these same topics.

#marriagetherapy #marriagecounseling #marriagetherapyplano #marriagecounselingplano #anxiety #depression #relationships #mensissues #plano #frisco #mckinney #prosper #75093

As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Plano, Texas, I get the opportunity to work with a lot of families. And in working with a lot of families I get the chance to see the varying parenting styles that different parents use. So in this episode I want to focus on four different parenting styles that I think are the most common (at least in my experience), and to encourage you to think about whether or not you struggle with any of them. The truth is, none of us are perfect parents...it just doesn't exist. But at least we can become more aware of what styles we use that might be destructive, therefore, helping us make efforts to change some of them.

As I mention in the podcast, none of us are perfect parents, and we all struggle with different styles of destructive parenting (whether or not it's listed below). Sometimes we struggle with all of them. The one I struggle with the most is the "helicopter" parenting style -- which almost seems ludicrous when I think about it. How did I, who was raised with lots of freedom by Baby Boomer parents, become so overprotective. Some of it has to do with my pain cycle that I talked about in episodes last week. For example, because of the death of my mom at age 11, I tend to feel secure by taking control of certain things...myself...situations...and sigh....my kids. That doesn't excuse my behavior, but I think understanding our pain cycle is helpful in understanding how that may influence our parenting.

So as you listen to my struggle in the podcast, hopefully you will realize that you aren't alone in your destructive parenting styles. But hopefully the realization can lead to positive change.

In this episode I explore:

• four different, destructive parenting styles that I come into contact a lot in my counseling office.
• 1) passive or disengaged, parenting style
• 2) "helicopter" parent, parenting style
• 3) vicarious living, parenting style
• 4) busyness or activity driven, parenting style
• these four different, destructive parenting styles, and some ways to combat them

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Plano, TX. I specialize in relationships, both marriage and non-marital, as well as working with individual men and women, and adolescent boys. Some of the topics that I specialize in are anxiety, depression, transitions, spiritual issues, and all forms of relational struggles. I am the author of the books The Anxious Christian, and What it Means to be a Man. Check out my weekly podcast where I interview guests and cover a lot of these same topics.

#marriagetherapy #marriagecounseling #marriagetherapyplano #marriagecounselingplano #anxiety #depression #relationships #mensissues #plano #frisco #mckinney #prosper #75093

This last week I have spent some time talking to you about the Pain Cycle and Peace Cycle in Terry Hargrave's Restoration Therapy model. I love the Pain and Peace Cycle because it has transformed my life. It's transformed me as an individual, as well as my marriage, my relationships, vocation and more. But how do you practice the Pain and Peace Cycle in your own life? To do so I recommended 4 steps to practice. As you begin to use these steps and work through the cycles you create a safe emotional connection which also fosters a real strong sense of "usness" in the relationship. And it is out of this place that couple's can really solve problems. Without a safe connection, problem solving is difficult, if not impossible in a relationship.

In today's episode I want to tie all four episodes together by talking about the concept of differentiation, and giving some examples from different perspectives of what it looks like. In this episode I share the concept of differentiation from some literary writings of Rainer Maria Rilke and Kahlil Gibran. I also look at how renowned sex and marriage therapist David Schnarch defines it. As well as looking at the concept from well known therapist and Rabbi Edwin Friedman.

In this episode I explore:

• the concept of differentiation
• Bohemian-Austrian Rainer Maria Rilke's thoughts on differentiation in relationships/marriage
• Lebanese poet Kahlil Gibran's thoughts on differentiation in marriage
• Sex and marriage therapist David Schnarch's thoughts on differentiation in committed relationships
• boundaries and differentiation in the work of Henry Cloud and John Townsend's book Boundaries
• Paul's words in Galatians 6:2-5
• Therapist and Rabbi Edwin Friedman's thoughts on differentiation and leadership.

Terry Hargrave

Marriage Strong

Sharon Hargrave

Rainer Maria Rilke

Kahlil Gibran David Schnarch

Henry Cloud

John Townsend

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

Edwin Friedman

Galatians 6:2-5

A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix by Edwin Friedman

The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran

Letters to a Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke

Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships by David Schnarch

As I have mentioned in the previous podcast blog posts, I am spending time talking about the Pain and Peace Cycle, and the 4 steps to practice it in your life. These tools are found in the work of Marriage and Family therapist pioneer Terry Hargrave and his Restoration Therapy model. As I talk about in previous episodes, the Pain Cycle and the Peace Cycle, and the 4 steps to really practice to help it transform your life, have forever changed my life, marriage, relationships, friendships, and work. It too can transform you, your relationships, your marriage, your church staff, your corporate staff...and more.

In this episode I want to teach you a couple of new techniques from the Restoration Therapy model that I believe can really take your relationship to the next level. As you begin to work through your Pain and Peace Cycle, you will discover how that creates a sense of connectedness and teamwork, or what Terry Hargrave refers to as "usness." In this episode I talk about this created "usness" and how it can help you problem solve in your marriage and relationships. So besides looking at the concept of "usness", I will walk you through 7 simple steps to problem solving that I have found to be super effective.

I like to think of it often in this way. Couples have issues to solve in their relationship. But you can't solve issues if you don't feel emotionally safe and connected. So you begin by working on your Pain and Peace Cycle to create a sense of "usness." And as that "usness" develops you will be emotionally connected and safe to begin problem solving. And sometimes...just feeling safe and connected will solve problems.

In this episode I explore:

• the concept of "usness"
• 7 steps to solving your problems/issues:
• identify and externalize the problem/issue
• walk through your Pain and Peace Cycle
• brainstorm options/solutions
• narrow down options/solutions
• set time aside for prayer/meditation/reflection on the options/solutions
• choose an option/solution (win-win)
• schedule a future time to re-evaluate option/solution

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

This week I am spending time talking about the Pain and Peace Cycle found in the work of Terry Hargrave and his Restoration Therapy model. As I talk about previous episodes, the Pain Cycle and the Peace Cycle have transformed my life, marriage, relationships, friendships, and work.

So in this episode I want to teach you how to use the 4 steps of the Restoration Therapy model to help you practice the Pain and Peace Cycle. I love the simplicity of the model in helping people create change, but like any long lasting, transformative change, it takes practice. And I find steps to be helpful guard rails to keep people along the path as they seek change. Often in conflict, people are in fight or flight mode, and so their ability to make good decisions can become limited. But if you have steps to help you in the midst of the conflict, they can be a great tool to bring order out of chaos.

In this episode I explore:

• review of the Pain Cycle
• review of the Peace Cycle
• the 4 steps:
• Step 1: Say what you feel
• Step 2: Say what you normally do
• Step 3: Say your truth
• Step 4: Say what you will do differently

In the previous podcast episode I talked about just how life transforming the Pain and Peace Cycle work have been to my life both personally and relationally. Ever since I learned these tools when I went on staff at The Hideaway Experience in 2010 I have continued to use them in all the work I do. I use them with clients. I use them with church staff. I use them with corporate organizations. And in all cases I see lives being transformed and I get good feedback about them.

The Pain and Peace Cycle were created by Terry Hargrave and can be found in his book Restoration Therapy where he talks at length and in depth about this model. Because I have found this model and these tools to be so helpful, I spent this last year in training with Terry Hargrave and became a Level II Certified therapist in Restoration Therapy.

So in the previous episode I talk about the Pain Cycle, and in this episode I want to focus on the Peace Cycle. If the Pain Cycle is the negative pattern we create over time between our feelings and coping, then the Peace Cycle is about the positive pattern we create over time between our truth and actions. These two patterns comprise a different way of being in relationship with yourself and others. It's simply one of the best models out there, especially for couples and marriage.

In this episode I explore:

• what the Peace Cycle consists of
• what it means to connect to your truth
• how to identify your truth in the Peace Cycle
• 3 sources of finding our truth
• what it means to act out of your truth
• how to identify your truth in the Peace Cycle
• theological examples of being in a Peace Cycle

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

One of the tools that has changed my life in such an amazing way...that at times it's really hard to explain...is learning the Pain and Peace Cycle in the work of Terry Hargrave in his Restoration Therapy model. In fact, in Episode 21 of this podcast I talked about how it can change your life, your relationships, as well as church organizations and corporations. In fact, I have taught the Pain and Peace Cycle in all these settings and see it do just that...change lives.

So this week I wanted to dive in a bit more deep on this topic, but in a short manner. The reason, I get a lot of people contacting me about what the Pain and Peace Cycle is. They see me write about it, post about it on social media, or they might have heard me speak about it in person. But it's something I definitely talk a lot about in my work. I believe in it because I have experienced it first hand.

So this week I decided to put out a few episodes focusing on the Pain Cycle, the Peace Cycle, and how to practice it.

Today, I talk about the Pain Cycle and how you becoming aware of your own will change your life. It will change your life on both an individual and relational level.

In this episode I explore:

• Violations of Love and Trust
• How Violations of Love and Trust create your negative pattern of coping known as the Pain Cycle.
• What the Pain Cycle is
• How to identify the feelings in your Pain Cycle
• How to identify the coping behavior in your Pain Cycle

If you want to work through this at home, here is the initial Pain Cycle homework that I give my clients and others to work through. It's a pretty simple sheet to work on, so check it out:

Identifying and Practicing Your ‘Pain Cycle’

I have tried over the years to do a better job of giving thanks daily and living in gratitude. But like many of you I struggle. It would seem that I would have starts and stops, and then I would get excited about it again when a holiday like Thanksgiving rolled around to remind me about the importance of giving thanks.

But this is something that I know is important. The letters of Paul in the New Testament are filled with this idea of being thankful and giving thanks. I particularly like the Greek word for eucharist that Paul uses. The word means to literally give thanks and to be thankful (among other things), but also embedded in the word is the concept of grace coming from the Greek word charis (English translisteration/spelling). So eucharist is both an acknowledgment of what we are thankful for in the act of giving thanks, but it's also a recognition of the grace of God in our lives. I think giving thanks and living in gratitude is about both....being thankful and experiencing the working out of God's grace. Now it's been 16 years since I studied Greek and the finer points of my Koine Greek scholarship may be a bit rusty...but I think this view of eucharist is really important to our lives.

About two years ago I noticed that most of the people I listened to on podcasts, and the books I was reading, and the videos I was watching...there was a common thread. And the common thread was the importance of a daily practice of being thankful and living in gratitude for all these people. What was even more interesting was that this practice was a common thread across all kinds of factor such as race, gender, faith/non-faith background, socioeconomic status, etc. Everyone I was coming across was talking about how important this practice was to their lives. In fact, it was such a huge factor that despite circumstances, being thankful and living in gratitude changed the trajectory of their day, and of their life.

This may seem like common sense, especially from someone who grew up in the Church around the tradition of eucharist (communion, Lord's supper, etc.), and who is taught to give thanks in all circumstances. But knowing something and living it out are two different things. So this last January I asked for the Five Minute Journal for my birthday, and the beginning question in the journal is to name 3 things you are thankful for. This began my more disciplined practice this last year of daily looking to be thankful, living in gratitude, and experiencing the grace of God in my life.

In this episode I explore:

• the meaning of eucharist as both a giving of thanks and receiving of God's grace.
• ways to practice giving thanks and being grateful.
• journaling our thankfulness; verbalizing our thankfulness; creating a thankfulness tree.
• something you can practice this week.

Resources Mentioned in this Episode

Five Minute Journal

The Bible

Hanging out at our Strong Marriage training in Malibu, CA.

This last week my wife and I spent two days training with Sharon Hargrave in her Marriage Strong curriculum. There were several reasons why we wanted to attend the training: 1) We know how much working through our Pain and Peace Cycle has transformed our own marriage; 2) We have a desire to lead these groups in our neighborhood, community, and at workshops and conferences; and I in my practice. 3) I absolutely love the work of Terry and Sharon Hargrave.

In 2010 my colleague and good friend Todd Sandel started telling me about these amazing 4 day marriage intensives taking place at The Hideaway Experience in Amarillo, Texas. After going up and sitting in a few of these marriage intensives, I eventually went on staff as one of the therapists, and helped co-lead marriage intensives there until 2014 when I eventually stepped off staff because of time constraints with my own practice and family life. It was here that I learned about the Pain and Peace Cycle through the 5 Days to a New Marriage model developed by Terry Hargrave and Shawn Stoever for The Hideaway. I put this model to work fairly quickly in my own marriage...and it was then that a radical shift took place that has helped us really transform our marriage into what it is today.

I then went back to my therapy practice and began using this model not only with couples, but also individual clients and I saw people's lives dramatically change. It was through these experiences that I came to realize and really believe in the work of the Pain and Peace Cycle, and I wanted to do everything I could to become a better practitioner of it. So this last year I spent time training with the founder of the Pain and Peace Cycle, Marriage and Family Therapy pioneer, Terry Hargrave. Through my training with him I officially became a Level II certified therapist in Restoration Therapy.

I have used this work with individuals, couples, families, church staffs, corporate managers and directors...and I have seen it transform people in all of these areas.

So when my wife and I had the chance to go train in Marriage Strong which has Restoration Therapy as it's foundational piece, we jumped at the opportunity.

We had a great weekend learning more about each other and talking about how we can intentionally continue to improve our marriage. As we spent time doing this I came to realize that there are a certain number of skills that I think if couples practice, they would benefit greatly from...they would see their marriage shift in some really positive directions.

So in this podcast I took all of my training that I've learned at The Hideaway Experience, Restoration Therapy, Marriage Strong, and other things that I've learned and developed along the way as a clinician...and I boiled it down to 5 skills. Of course there are a lot of varying skills couples can practice, but instead of always looking for that "silver bullet" to fix everything in a marriage, I think more couples need to really focus on a few skills and just practice...practice...practice...practice...practice. You get the point. Marriages grow and become strong through practice, not through some shiny or sexy new skill that will fix everything.

So in this episode I talk about these 5 skills:

• identifying and practicing awareness around your negative pattern of interaction made up of your feelings and coping (Pain Cycle).
• taking responsibility for yourself (your Pain Cycle) and learning to emotionally regulate yourself, rather than expecting your spouse to.
• identifying and developing your positive pattern of interaction made up of your truth and action (Peace Cycle)
• learning how to problem solve out of your Peace Cycle.
• fostering your sense of "usness" in the marriage.

Resources and People Mentioned in the Episode

Marriage Strong The Hideaway Experience 5 Days to a New Marriage Restoration Therapy Terry Hargrave Sharon Hargrave Todd Sandel LifeGate Group Restoration Therapy: Understanding and Guiding Healing in Marriage and Family Therapy Using the Restoration Therapy Model to Transform You, Your Relationships, Churches, Organizations, and Corportations