Praxis Podcast with Rhett Smith

"Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom." Soren Kierkegaard

That quote by Soren Kierkegaard in his work The Concept of Anxiety, has always been one of my favorite quotes. I think it truly captures the hear of anxiety for many...In that being free, creative beings who are responsible for our lives and the choices and directions we take...that freedom creates a lot of anxiety for many. In this episode I explore the varied definitions and meanings of anxiety from the clinical to the biblical, to the existential.

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

Link to Episode 76

Resources and People Mentioned in the Episode

The Concept of Anxiety by Sorek Kierkegaard

The Meaning of Anxiety by Rollo May

be not anxious by Allan Hugh Cole Jr.

The Anxious Christian by Rhett Smith

One of the populations I love working with in my practice is athletes. I've been fortunate enough to work with a large variety of athletes from professionals to amateur, from middle school kids all the way up to a middle aged runner like me. And in my time with athletes several themes around athletics have emerged that tend to be the central focus of our counseling time together.

Those are:

• performance anxiety
• anxiety and stress due to pressure from overbearing parents
• depression from not achieving an athletic goal or from not being able to participate in the sport because of injury.
• training the athlete for more positive self-talk and visualization to increase performance.

These 4 issues seem to crop up the most and I have had a lot of success using the Restoration Therapy model developed by Terry Hargrave. Even though I initially used it only with couples I have expanded it's use to individuals, families, organizations, and now athletes. I feel that it's core tenets, especially the importance of emotional self-regulation and working to identify and act out of one's truth, rather than out of one's negative cycle, have been extremely helpful.

In this episode I briefly mention the components above, but really spend the bulk of the episode diving into some of the work of Angela Duckworth in her book Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance, and what she has to say about anxious parents and kid's athletics. In the episode I read from about 2-3 pages worth of material to give you an understanding of what Duckworth is communicating when it comes to grit and our kids, while at the same time commenting on some of the things I have seen in my practice.

I echo Duckworth's and other's findings that children who are allowed autonomy to choose what sports in activities to engage in, and who have the freedom to explore a multiplicity of sports, while at the same time not engaging in them all year round, often fare better than their counterparts who specialize early and play all year. The latter often leads to a lot of burnout (often by high school or college), and it short circuits the development of passion because kid has not had the ability to pursue their own interests, but have often been pursuing the interests of the parents.

I want to leave you with one quote from Grit that I read in this episode:

Sports psychologist Jean Cote finds that shortcutting this stage of relaxed, playful interest, discovery, and development has dire consequences. In his research, professional athletes like Rowdy Gains who, as a children, sampled a variety of different sports before committing to one, generally fare much better in the long run. This early breadth of experience helps the young athlete figure out which sport fits better than others,. Sampling also provides an opportunity to 'cross train' muscles and skills that will eventually complement more focused training. While athletes who skip this state often enjoy an early advantage in competition against less specialized peers, Cote finds that they're more likely to become injured physically and to burn out. (page 107 on Kindle).

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

Resources and People Mentioned in this Episode

Terry Hargrave

Restoration Therapy

Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance

Angela Duckworth

Benjamin Bloom

Jean Cote

So if your day was anything like my wife and I's yesterday, it involved walking our kids into their first day of school this year. My daughter starts 4th grade, and my son starts Kindergarten. And like many of you, we are in a new transition as we begin a new school year. One filled with excitement, anxieties, fears, joys, ups and downs, and all kinds of emotions in between there.

After dropping my kids off at school I spent some time thinking about this particular transition in life and about all the kids I have had the privilege to work with over the last 20+ years...sometimes as a camp counselor, youth pastor, and therapist. And one of the things that I thought about the most was all the expectations we have as parents when our kid starts off a new school year. Sometimes our expectations are appropriate ones, and other times if we are honest with ourselves, the expectations might have more to do with us, than our kids. But guess what, our kids also start off the school year with expectations of their own, but I wonder how much we stop and talk to them about that.

So in today's episode I share a few things that I have found to be helpful in my work with kids and their families, as well as in my own life. Some things I feel we do a pretty good job of, and other things are a work in progress. But isn't parenting always that way...just when you think you have something figured out, it all changes. In this episode I discuss:

• Being honest with your own expectations as a parent.
• Talking with your kids about their expectations.
• The importance of building connection with your kids and some ways to do it this school year.
• The importance of spending time wisely and some suggestions of how to create that.
• The importance of risk taking and failure in our kid's development.

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist practicing in Plano, Texas. I work with individuals, couples, and families regarding a number of issues from marriage therapy, anxiety, depression, infidelity, faith, relationship strengthening, and a whole lot more. If you are interested in scheduling a session with me, or having me out to speak, please contact us via email or phone (469-304-9022).

I have the great privilege of working with couples in my office on a daily basis. Some come to me before they are married, some within a few years of marriage, but the great majority of them come to see me after a crisis that was indicative of the marital drift in their life. In Episode 19 of my podcast I talked about marital drift and the kid centered marriage. But essentially what often happens in relationships is that couples set out with good intentions to care for and love each other...to make each other priority. In fact, it was often that feeling of being a priority in dating that led to engagement and marriage.

But over the course of the marriage couples often make sacrifices that hurt the marriage and leave one or both spouses not often feeling like a priority. I see this most often in couples that just got busy. They had kids...the kids got busy with sports and activities...and the marriage drifted. Then one day they wake up, perhaps 5, 10, 15, 20 years later, and are so disconnected that they don't know how to reconnect, or aren't sure it is worth the effort.

The drift itself often is felt early on in a marriage, but it's not until a crisis hits such as an affair, an addiction, or the threat of divorce that couples will recognize it fully or want to engage it.

And in this episode I talk about one of my core beliefs that I have come to realize after 20 plus years in the pastoral and clinical counseling setting....and that is that couples can't have both a great marriage, and at the same time put their their kids first by running around in a million different directions and pursuing a million different activities. Something will have to be sacrificed, and often it's the marriage. My other belief that I explore in this episode is that the marriage should have priority, not the kids. I think we live in a culture where we have put kids first, and what often gets sacrificed is not only the marriage, but the family falls apart as well since the marriage is in disaster. Instead, I have seen time and time again that where the marriage is priority, the kids benefit. This isn't a statement about one being more important or loving one more. You love both, that's why the marriage is a priority. So as you listen to this episode I want you to think about your own marriage, and whether or not it's the priority over your kids. And what implications are there for the answer you have?

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

One of the things that I've noticed a lot about relationships and conflict, is that a lot of it tends to happen in periods of daily transition. For example, conflict tends to arise when people are leaving the house in the morning, or coming home later in the day. Whether it's a spouse, roommate, or child, there tends to be a lot of missed expectations in those two periods of the day. Maybe it's the rushed chaos that often accompanies those periods (i.e. rushing kids off to school, coming home after a long chaotic day at work, etc.) of the day, or maybe it's that we have ideas in our head about how things are going to look. For example, I might have the expectation that when I come home from work that my wife and kids are excited to see me and greet me as I come in the door...if that doesn't happen, I may become disappointed and that could lead to conflict. Or maybe my wife has been working all day and running around with the kids since school's been out and she has the expectation that I will walk in the door and help with dinner, when maybe I withdraw to our bedroom to relax for a few minutes...maybe she feels disappointed as well, and that can lead to conflict.

These are just a couple of examples of the thousands of expectations that we have when we leave a place in transition, and we enter back into that place in transition. It's such an important time that I would often spend time working with couples over this issue during marriage intensives at The Hideaway Experience.

The reality is we all have expectations. It's just there is something that happens in the transition that I think tends to create a lot of conflict for couples. So in order to navigate that more successfully I have discovered several things that are helpful to couples in doing this. Whether it be creating some rules around greetings, or boundaries around technology, or taking the time to get into the right frame of mind for the upcoming transitions....in this episode of the Rhett Smith Podcast I share with you some examples of conflict in transition, and give you some practical ideas to navigate it more successfully.

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

"

I'm not quite exactly sure of the origin of learning about this communication technique, but I know it must have morphed together from all of my training and experience as a therapist...so I'm sure it has it's roots in varying theorists, I just can't place it right now. But in my time as a therapist I was used to hearing couples talking about all the things that weren't working well in the relationship. And most often it would come across in the form of criticism. Some spouse would be sharing all the things that their partner wasn't doing. And you can imagine what that was doing to the relationship...you can imagine what kind of pain cycle that was creating.

So I started thinking about what it would look like to share with your spouse not all the things they were doing wrong, but rather, the things they desired and wanted and needed in the relationship. Why not focus on the positives (what you want and desire), rather than the negatives (all they weren't doing right). This subtle (maybe it's not so subtle) shift in language began to have a different affect on couples. Rather than creating situations of defensiveness, it created opportunities for openness and closeness.

But the key is, once you talk about what you want and desire, you have to let go of the outcome. You have to let go of the expectations in the relationship. Listen closely here...I'm not saying you can't, or shouldn't have expectations in a relationship...but what I'm saying you have to let go of that particular expectation you are requesting. You can't demand. You have to allow the other person in the relationship the freedom to decide to do what you are requesting, or to not do it. This is a request based out of freedom, not out of fear or demanding. Demanding relationships drain life out of the couple, whereas, ones based in freedom are life-giving.

I think I first learned of the "letting go of the outcome" step in Terence Real's book, The New Rules of Marriage. In his technique called The Feedback Wheel, the final step is "Let go of the outcome." There is a whole process to his feedback wheel, but I eventually took this idea of letting go of the outcome into other theories I was learning, and I began to apply it to couples and families that I was working with.

So in today's podcast I want to help you with this simple technique of being vulnerable (the hard part) in your relationship by shifting your focus on what your partner is not doing (that's a position of criticism), and focus on what you are desiring and wanting. It's vulnerable and risky to request though, because what if they say no. But this is about putting yourself out there. And so when you put yourself out there, you let go of the outcome. And as a therapist who highly believes in self-differentiation, and practices the Restoration Therapy model where one's identity is not based in the partner, but in one's own truth....I want to say, this is not about putting your identity in your partner or demanding from them. This is just simply about being honest about yourself and what you desire...but then letting go of it. It's in this freedom that we learn more about the needs, wants, desires of our partner, and it's helpful to know those things, so that in one's freedom, they can choose to, or choose not to respond.

Try this technique out at home and let me know what you think.

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

Resources Mentioned in the Podcast

The New Rules of Marriage by Terence Real

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist practicing in Plano, Texas. I work with individuals, couples, and families regarding a number of issues from marriage therapy, anxiety, depression, infidelity, faith, relationship strengthening, and a whole lot more. If you are interested in scheduling a session with me, or having me out to speak, please contact us via email or phone (469-304-9022).

This has been an incredibly difficult political season, in that it highlights the deep divisions among one another along racial, sexual, economical, and political lines....just to name a few.

And one thing I have been struggling with the most is to try and remind myself of how I talk about people that believe different than me. Because how I talk about them or their beliefs (if I do at all), will determine whether or not we can be in relationship with one another...and hopefully learn and grow from the mutual relationship.

But what happens most often is that we end up using exclusionary language (they, them, those people) that actually create more division and destroy the possibility of any relationship, rather than using inclusionary and embracing language (I, you, we, us) that pulls us closer to one another. And without the relationship, no progress can be made. It's the relationship that makes it safe for us to work through our ideas with one another, and to be challenged, and to grow. When it is unsafe, we are not able to do this, but instead withdraw and fight and name call.

I see this played out daily at a microlevel in my counseling office with couples and familes and individuals, but at the marcrolevel I am sometimes left feeling hopeless and inadequate that we can do the same.

So this is something that I need to work on myself, and I wanted to process this out loud with you in this episode.

Fair warning though, Martin Buber and Miroslav Volf were hard enough for me to read at a slow pace, so I hope I didn't totally do them injustice by drawing on their ideas and talking about them with you in this episode.

In this episode I also read two lengthy quotes form Volf's wonderful book, Exclusion and Embrace. Those are posted below so that you can read on your own as well.

Check out this episode and walk with me on this journey so that we all contribute to more positive change in our homes, neighborhoods, communities, cities, states and world...you get the idea...start with where you can directly affect change, and then go from there.

Episode 70, quote #1:

In all wars, whether large or small, whether carried out on battlefields, city streets, living rooms, or faculty lounges, we come across the same basic exclusionary polarity: "us against them," "their gain–our loss, " "either us or them." The stronger the conflict, the more the rich texture of the social world disappears and the stark exclusionary polarity emerges around which all thought and practice aligns itself. No other choice seems available, no neutrality possible, and therefore no innocence sustainable. If one does not exit that whole social world, one gets sucked into its horrid polarity. Tragically enough, over time the polarity has a macabre way of mutating into its very opposite–into "both us and them" that unites the divided parties in a perverse communion of mutual hate and mourning over the dead. ……….There may indeed be situations in which "there is no choice," though we should not forget that to destroy the other rather than to be destroyed oneself is itself a choice. In most cases, however, the choice is not constrained by an inescapable "either us or them." If there is will, courage and imagination the stark polarity can be overcome. Those caught in the vortex of mutual exclusion can resist its pull, rediscover their common belonging, even fall into each other's arms. People with conflicting interests, clashing perspectives, and differing cultures can avoid sliding into the cycle of escalating violence and instead maintain bonds, even make their life together flourish. (pp. 99-100) — Exclusion and Embrace by Miroslav Volf

Episode 70, quote #2:

What is so profoundly different about the "new order" of the father is that it is not built around the alternatives as defined by the older brother: either strict adherence to the rules or disorder and disintegration; either you are "in" or you are "out," depending on whether you have or have not broken a rule. He rejected this alternative because his behavior was governed by the one fundamental "rule": relationship has priority over all rules. Before any rule can apply, he is a father to his sons and his sons are brothers to one another. The reason for celebration is that "this son of mine" (v.24) and "this brother of yours" (v.32) has been found and has come alive again. Notice the categorical difference between how the father and how the older brother interpret the prodigal's life in the "distant country." The older brother employs moral categories and constructs his brother's departure along the axis of "bad/good" behavior: the brother has "devoured your property with prostitutes" (v.30). The father, though keenly aware of the moral import of his younger son's behavior, employs relational categories and constructs his son's departure along the axis of "lost/found" and "alive (to him)/dead (to him)." Relationship is prior to moral rules; moral performances may do something to the relationship, but relationship is not grounded in moral performance. Hence the will to embrace is independent of the quality of behavior, though at the same time "repentance," "confession," and the "consequences of one's actions" all have their own proper place. The profound wisdom about the priority of the relationship, and not some sentimental insanity, explains the father's kind of "prodigality" to both of his sons. For the father, the priority of the relationship means not only a refusal to let moral rules be the final authority regulating "exclusion" and "embrace" but also a refusal to construct his own identity in isolation from his sons. He readjusts his identity along with the changing identities of his sons and thereby reconstructs their broken identities and relationships. He suffers being "un-fathered" by both, so that through this suffering he may regain both as his sons (if the older brother was persuaded) and help them rediscover each other as brothers. Refusing the alternatives of "self-constructed" vs. "imposed" identities, difference vs. domestication, he allows himself to be taken on the journey of their shifting identities so that he can continue to be their father and they, each other's brothers. Why does he not lose himself on the journey? Because he is guided by indestructible love and supported by a flexible order. Flexible order? Changing identities? The world of fixed rules and stable identities is the world of the older brother. The father destabilizes this world–and draws his older son's anger upon himself. The father's most basic commitment is not to rules and given identities but to his sons whose lives are too complex to be regulated by fixed rules and whose identitites are too dynamic to be defined once for all. Yet he does not give up the rules and the order. Guided by the indestructible love which makes space in the self for others in their alterity, which invites the others who have trangressed to return, which creates hospitable conditions for their confession, and rejoices over their presence, the father keeps re-configuring the order without destroying it so as to maintain it as an order of embrace rather than exclusion. (pp.164-165)

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

Resources Mentioned in the Episode

Exclusion and Embrace by Miroslav Volf

I and Thou by Martin Buber

I first heard of Anne Marie Miller when she was actually Anne Jackson, and she was blogging under the name Flowerdust. This was probably around 2006/2007 or so (maybe earlier), and she had a very popular blog that talked a lot about ministry, leadership, and other faith related topics. What was different about her was her level of authenticity and vulnerability in her posts...and she was a woman writing on a topic that at that point was almost primarily dominated by men.

Eventually I was able to meet Anne in person at a theology/technology conference that Biola University was holding (maybe back in 2007/2008--again, my dates are fuzzy), and we have remained good friends since then, often talking a lot about issues related to mental health such as anxiety and depression. In fact, about 7 years ago I interviewed Anne in a two part series on depression, burnout and ministry:

• Depression, Burnout & Ministry: Anne Jackson Interview, Part 1
• Depression, Burnout & Ministry: Anne Jackson Interview, Part 2

But in this episode I dive into a very important topic that seems to be on the hearts and minds of almost every parent I talk to, whether that is a parent of a client of mine, or just friends and neighbors. And that is the topic of sex and pornography, especially as it relates to the role that technology plays. Anne just recently had her new book published, 5 Things Every Parents Needs to Know About their Kids and Sex. It's a really great and timely book, and I was thankful that I was able to participate in the writing process of the book with some contributions of my own on this topic.

This is a topic that both Anne and I have spent numerous years talking with both kids and parents about. And it was really timely for my own wife and I as we are currently navigating the issues of technology with our kids, and as we talk to them about sexuality.

In this episode we bounce around covering a lot of topics:

• Anne shares her personal story of porn addiction in her teenage years.
• We discuss the wiring of the brain around pornographic images.
• We discuss how kids get involved with pornography
• We discuss various social media apps and their implications
• We discuss why it's so hard for parents to talk about sex and pornography with their kids, and how they can go about the conversation.
• Etc.

Resources Mentioned in the Podcast

5 Things Every Parent Needs to Know About their Kids and Sex by Anne Marie Miller

My Story – Part 1: The Preacher's Daughter & The Youth Pastor – My Introduction to Sexual Abuse and Pornography

My Story – Part 2: Fighting My Addiction to Pornography (and Giving the Gift of Going Second!)

Here is a listing of Anne's other books

*Note: In this podcast I mention a social psychologist whom I couldn't remember. I realized that I was actually thinking of the work of Carol Dweck, but it wasn't actually her research I was referring to.

Recently I've been thinking a lot about a certain topic in parenting. And the topic revolves around how often we as parents use the "I am the parent" card in various forms or fashions. Sometimes we literally say that out loud, and other times we are just thinking it. You may have your own version, but I hear something to this effect quite a bit in my counseling sessions with parents and their adolescents.

And when I hear this statement (or some version of it) coming from a parent and said to their kid, what I essentially hear is, "What you have to say, think, believe, etc, doesn't matter." It basically cuts off any form of understanding or connection in that relationship, and I believe will eventually lead a kid to disrespect and rebel from their parents authority. Nothing communicates a lack of worth more quickly than basically not listening to those we are in relationship with.

I've been thinking about this a lot because on several occasions I've seen parents do a great job of really seeking to understand their kids in session...and it changes everything. Literally. One of the reasons I'm able to do it in session so easily with adolescents is because I'm not their parent, and the emotional connection is very different, and not highly charged. But with my own kids, I often find myself not taking the time to slow down and listen to what they have to say.

Listening to our kids is so important, and though there are times to make decisions as a parent and want follow through without any type of pushing back from them, there is also a really healthy exchange that takes place when kids ask and demand that we as parents give them answers. This is especially true the older the kid gets. And I think we actually do them a disservice when we just excuse their questioning, and we end up not really preparing them for the future. We need to help our kids understand why we make the decisions we make so they have a compass by which to make their own decisions. We need to show them that understanding and empathy and connection are important. In this episode:

• I talk about the importance of kids questioning are authority and decision making.
• I talk about why this questioning can lead to understanding and empathy and connection.
• I talk about how we as parents help model decision making skills and understanding by going through this process with our own kids.

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

Link to Episode 68

Resources Mentioned in the Episode

Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist practicing in Plano, Texas. I work with individuals, couples, and families regarding a number of issues from marriage therapy, anxiety, depression, infidelity, faith, relationship strengthening, and a whole lot more. If you are interested in scheduling a session with me, or having me out to speak, please contact us via email or phone (469-304-9022).

Sunday was Father's Day. And like Mother's Day...it can bring up all kinds of emotions for people. Positive emotions. Negative Emotions. Feelings of joy and happiness, or anger and fear, as well as loss. And that's just to name a few. I am very thankful that I have a very amazing father. I posted on Instagram just all that he has meant to me, especially when I take into consideration that my mom died from breast cancer when I was 11, and my dad became a single parent to two boys. And the longer I am a parent, the more thankful that I am. This is my experience, but as I wrote at the outset, days like these can bring up all kinds of feelings for people. And so as I mention in this podcast episode, I want to acknowledge that.

In light of Father's Day this last week I want to talk about 3 important life giving messages that I first wrote about in my book, What It Means to Be a Man. In Chapter 3 on Fathering I quote Larry Crabb from his book The Silence of Adam. Crabb writes:

"A godly father speaks three messages to his son: 1. 'It can be done. 2. You're not alone. 3. I believe in you.'"

Those 3 messages have been messages that have changed my life, and were ones that not only my dad instilled in me growing up, but ones that my mother did as well.

And though I initially wrote this for a men's book, and we are coming off Father's Day, I want to say loud and clear, that these messages aren't limited to father's and sons. These are messages that all people can speak to one another. Parent to child. Spouse to Spouse. Colleague to Colleague. We all desire to know these truths, and we should count it a gift if someone in our lives have spoken these things to us.

But here is your opportunity. You have the ability to speak these 3 messages (or your own version of them) to those people in your life who so desperately need to know these things. And even if they don't desperately need to per se, we all desire to hear these things spoken to us.

Please listen and subscribe to my podcast in the following places, and then leave a comment letting me know what you liked about the show, or what guest you would like to hear from. Thank you so much for your support.

iTunes -- Stitcher

Player FM -- Libsyn

So in this episode:

• I talk about these 3 messages and what they mean.
• I encourage you to think about those people around you who need to hear this message.
• I challenge you to go out this week and speak these messages to those people.

Resources and Links Mentioned in the Episode

What it Means to be a Man: God's Design for Us in a World Full of Extremes by Rhett Smith

The Silence of Adam: Becoming Men of Courage in a World of Chaos by Larry Crabb

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist practicing in Plano, Texas. I work with individuals, couples, and families regarding a number of issues from anxiety, depression, infidelity, faith, relationship strengthening, and a whole lot more. If you are interested in scheduling a session with me, or having me out to speak, please contact us via email or phone (469-304-9022).