Praxis Podcast with Rhett Smith

One of the things that I hear as a counselor a lot, typically near the end of an intake session with a client, is the question, "How is this going to look?" The question can be asked in a variety of ways, but what is implicit is usually either some form of anxiety over the next steps, or just a general curiosity about what people are signing up for when they enter into counseling.

Counseling can vary greatly from counselor to counselor, and with that, there can be a variety of varied expectations then that people going through counseling have. Some people have been to a lot of counseling and all their experiences are different, while some people have still not been to counseling, and wonder what that experience will look like.

Something I have tried to do a lot more in the last 4-5 years of my private practice is properly set expectations with clients when they come into see me for the first time. Whether they ask the question first, or I initiate the conversation, I usually try to walk clients through a general "roadmap" or "pathway" of what counseling might look like. I let them know that things can always change, and this is only a first session, but here is what I think will work best based on what you are telling me, the goals you have, and the experience that I bring to our sessions. I also always follow up with every client via email after the first session (usually within a few hours, but rarely longer than 24 hours later). In that email I talk about our first session, what I heard, the goals that I think they have, the issues we could explore together. And in that email I lay out a big overview of the counseling process, listing the significant pieces, as well as narrowing down on the next steps. And I usually always attach some type of "hoomework" in that initial email so that client's can begin engaging in the process.

Based on all my experience as a therapist both pastorally and clinically, as well as my experience in training and sitting across from a therapist in my own counseling, here is what I find to be most helpful in terms of a "roadmap" for counseling. Now of course, I hope to continue to grow and learn as a therapist, so these thoughts are only a point in time, but I think most of the framework will always exist for me, with tweaks along the way.

First, I think it's important that the therapist helps the client engage in some type of work in and out of session that involves the work of insight, which is simply, the capacity to gain an accurate and deep intuitive understanding of a person or thing. This type of work can be done in a lot of ways, but for me it usually involves work around one's family of origin issues (i.e. family genogram, etc.), as well as walking through someone's personal stories and experience.

Second, I do the work of helping a person take that insight, and I help them identify and create their Pain Cycle. This Pain Cycle is often referred to by other names, but in the work I do with Restoration Therapy, that is what it is called. It's essentially the process of helping one identify their negative pattern of behavior by helping them locate their core feelings and the coping behaviors that flow from them. This is often us in our most primal, reactive state. When you think of fight or flight, and the amygdala getting triggered, this is the pattern that comes up. Though not all of our reactive states are negative, a lot of them are in relational conflict, which is what I work a lot with both in my work with individuals and couples. If I frame it from a faith perspective, this is the old self at work that Paul refers to in Ephesians 4:22.

Third, I do the work of helping a person take their insight, and I help them identify and create their Peace Cycle. The Peace Cycle is also referred to by other names in other theories, but in Restoration Therapy this is what we refer to it as. The Peace Cycle is ourselves when we are emotionally regulated. Think about what you are like when you are living in your truth, or think of yourself in a centered and grounded state. When you are in this place, what actions flow from that. This is you in your Peace Cycle. Again, if I frame this in a faith perspective, this is the new self at work that Paul refers to in Ephesians 4:23. The Pain and Peace Cycle is part of the work of insight, and the Peace Cycle is the step that helps up a person move from emotional dysregulation to emotional regulation.

Fourth, as we are doing the work of insight and the Pain and Peace Cycle (because though I'm laying things out in a linear fashion...therapy, or growth itself is not always linear. I find that all these steps are engaged consecutively in the therapeutic process), I help clients find ways to practice the insight that they have. What I believe is that you can have all the insight in the world, but if you don't practice it in some way, you don't change. You don't get transformation. In the Restoration Therapy model I use the 4 steps to help clients practice: 1) Say what you feel; 2) Say what you normally do; 3) Say your truth; 4) Say what you will do differently (your action) and do it. This is one way that I help clients practice. I literally map out their Pain and Peace Cycle on my whiteboard in almost every session to some degree. I also draw up their cycles and steps on a large poster sheet that I ask them to take home and hang up in their closet so that they see it everyday and start to not only become more aware of it, but practice it. There are lots of other ways to have people practice insight from a variety of tools to experimental exercises. Regardless of what tools I give them to practice, I believe practice is essential.

Fifth, we come to transformation. I believe transformation is the culmination of taking one's insight and putting it into practice. And though we could think of transformation as the ultimate goal, it's really just the beginning. Once someone experiences transformation in one area of their life, then they often become excited to seek transformation in other areas of their life as well. So if there is a visual roadmap I give to clients and that I work from...in short it is something like this.

Insight + Pain Cycle + Peace Cycle + Practice = Transformation.

There are lot of details and nuances in these steps, but this is what I have found to be most helpful. So if you come work with me in my private practice in Plano, Texas, you will most likely hear me talk about something like this.

Whether you come in for marriage counseling or individual counseling around anxiety and depression, I will probably lay out some roadmap for you that looks like this.

Check out this podcast to find out more about this process. In this episode I discuss:

• the importance of a therapeutic roadmap
• the work of insight in therapy
• the Pain Cycle work in therapy
• the Peace Cycle work in therapy
• the work of practice in therapy
• transformation in therapy

Resources Mentioned in this Episode

Restoration Therapy: Understanding and Guiding Healing in Marriage and Family Therapy by Terry Hargrave and Franz Pfitzer

Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance by Angela Duckworth

This past May I had the opportunity to speak at Pepperdine University for the annual Bible Lecture's series. It's primarily a gathering of a combo of lay and professional ministry leaders, and as this event I was able to talk to them about one of my favorite topics...anxiety.

Anxiety is a huge issue both in and out of the church, and in fact, Walter Brueggemann has stated that it's the primary pathology in our culture that church leaders must deal with (see the excerpt starting at the 41:50 minute mark); I also believe anxiety to be one of the primary issues that our culture struggles with, and it can especially become toxic in a church culture where an extra stigma is attached to it.

In this lecture I walked the audience through several main points to better help them not only understand anxiety, but how to help them reframe it in a positive light, and what tools they can use, and steps they can take, to work with people who have anxiety. In this lecture I:

• help them identify the importance of what everyone's anxiety story is and how that informs not only how they handle anxiety, but how they perceive it and work through it.
• help them define what anxiety is and is not.
• help them define how to best understand anxiety.
• help them with the key ways to work through anxiety.
• help them normalize anxiety.
• help them reframe it as God at work in their lives, and as a friend, not a foe.
• help them understand how violations of love and trust inform anxiety.
• help them with tools to work with anxiety.

If you are someone who has struggled with anxiety yourself, or know someone who does, and you want to be of help...then check out this episode.

Resources and Tools Mentioned in this Episode

The Concept of Anxiety: A Simple Psychologically Orienting Deliberation on the Dogmatic Issue of Hereditary Sin by Soren Kierkegaard

Be Not Anxious: Pastoral Care of Disquieted Souls by Allan Hugh Cole Jr.

The Courage to Be by Paul Tillich

Things Might Go Terribly, Horribly Wrong: A Guide to Life Liberated from Anxiety by Kelly G. Wilson and Troy Dufrene

Bill Mounce's Exegesis of the New Testament word Merimnao (anxiety)

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Basel van der Kolk

Restoration Therapy: Understanding and Guiding Healing in Marriage and Family Therapy by Terry Hargrave and Franz Pfizer

Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance by Angela Duckworth

The Meaning of Anxiety by Rollo May

The Anxious Christian: Can God Use Your Anxiety for Good? by Rhett Smith

Existential Psychotherapy by Irving D. Yalom Failure of Nerve: Anxiety in the Age of the Quick Fix by Edwin Friedman

Several weeks ago I had the opportunity to share with the ReEngage Ministry at Hope Fellowship the topic of forgiveness. It's such an important topic not only in all of our lives, but especially in the context of marriage where one's ability to forgive becomes an essential practice. In fact, forgiveness is the only topic that ReEngage covers on two different weeks.

In going into this talk I wanted to do something different on the topic of forgiveness. I have given other forgiveness talks in the past, but I know that when it comes to speaking to an audience they are probably more likely to remember the talk if it is embedded in an image and a story. So to do this, I reflected on Rembrandt's famous painting, The Return of the Prodigal Son. I did this by reflecting on the story of the prodigal son in the gospel of Luke 15:11-32, and by looking at Henri Nouwen's famous book on the topic, The Return of the Prodigal Son: A Story of Homecoming.

In this podcast I reflect on:

• 3 postures on the journey of forgiveness that I believe are reflected in the text and painting.
• seeking forgiveness
• withholding forgiveness
• offering forgiveness
• the varying ways that Rembrandt captures the story of the prodigal son in his painting.

Resources Mentioned in the Episodes

The Return of the Prodigal Son by Henri Nouwen

Luke 15:11-32

The Return of the Prodigal Son by Rembrandt

A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to speak to a group of employees for Marriott Hotels here in the local Dallas area. It was a great opportunity to help others understand how to have healthy relationships in and out of the work place by beginning to take care of themselves.

So in this podcast episode I share what I shared with them:

• helping them understand how they are part of a larger system in which they are an emotional unit of.
• helping them understand that we are all "wired" from our early experiences, especially in our family of origin. I talked about our "wiring" around Love and Trust from the work of Terry Hargrave in Restoration Therapy.
• helping them how they are specifically "wired", by helping them identify their violations of love and trust and connecting their feelings to their coping.
• helping them to understand what self-care is, and how the practice of it can help them better emotionally self-regulate, therefore, helping them have a better relationship with themselves, and those in and out of the workplace.
• and ultimately I gave them some practice steps to take home with them.

Link to Episode 93

Resources Mentioned in Episode 93

Restoration Therapy

Violations of Love and Trust

Self-Care and Relationships

I have shared in previous episodes that the journey through Lent has been one of the most helpful things I have done for my faith. And as we finished Lent this last week, culminating in Easter yesterday, I wanted to take a few moments to reflect on the next steps.

As we work on embracing and experiencing the resurrected and new life that Easter represents, what are our next steps?

One of the things I have been thinking about is how do we enter into this new season with open hands, full of expectation about receiving. The reality is that we often enter into a new season with fists clenched, holding on tightly to things in our lives....security, comfort, power, possessions, etc.

And I am reminded that after Jesus appears post-resurrection in the gospel of John, chapter 21, there is this beautiful and powerful scene picking up in vs. 18. Jesus is reinstating Peter and basically communicates to him that he (Peter) used to have the freedom and power to do what he wanted to do, but a time is coming when he will be led where he doesn't want to go.

That passage is a reminder to me that we often go through life dictating life by our own terms, and Lent and Easter is a reminder that the way forward is a way of letting go, and being led to places we wouldn't normally go. In that process we let go of power and control and a million other things.

If I'm honest with myself, I have probably only really intentionally prayed this prayer a couple of times in my life because it's a scary prayer, and the results though helpful in terms of my growth and relationships, haven't come about without pain.

So I'm hesitant to let to and open up my hands to receive what may be next.

I encourage you to think about this in your own life.

Resources Mentioned in This Episode

In the Name of Jesus: Reflections on Christian Leadership by Henri Nouwen

We live in a culture that continually inundates us with noise. That noise comes in all kinds of forms. Advertising, entertainment, technology, etc. Sometimes we are passive observers of it as we have little control over what billboards are placed in front of us as we drive down the road. Other times we are active consumers, spending inordinate amount of times on our phones playing games and engaging on social media. Regardless, the reality is that we live in a noisy culture.

And living in a noisy culture gives many of us little time to reflect about our inner lives. Some of us may like it that way, choosing to bury and keep buries painful feelings and events. While others like to try and reflect, but find it a constant challenge.

I think one of the beautiful things about Lent is that it gives us an intentionally created space where we can be in silence. There is a period of time on the calendar where we can engage in practices that foster our inner life...Lent allows us to do this.

If we are to become healthy people, who grow from our experiences, we have to be able to create space to allow the things in our lives that are buried to find the light of day. Silence allows those things to be stirred up and come towards the surface. And if we can pay attention to these things, then we can learn more about who we are, strengths and weaknesses, and become people who can grow in the process.

In this episode I reflect on the importance of this silence and some practical tips to make it happen.

Resources Mentioned in This Episode

Making All Things New: An Invitation to the Spiritual Life by Henri Nouwen

This week's episode is somewhat of a continuation of Episode 89 where I reflected on the role of Lent in helping us process pain and suffering, and as a time to work through trauma. That is, Lent is a period of remembering that is important for us if we are to work through our suffering.

In this week's episode I discuss some ways that communities can create a safe space during Lent to process pain and suffering. In this episode I discuss:

• Making it safe to discuss the hard issues such as death, suicide, anxiety, depression, loss, etc.
• The importance of not giving easy answers (if any at all) to people's pain and suffering.
• Learning to sit in in one's pain, in silence, together.
• The role of rituals and symbolism in the healing process.
• The boundary between bearing other's burdens, but also giving them the space to work through their own "stuff."

Link to Episode 90

I have been thinking a lot about the Lent season, which is appropriate since Ash Wednesday was yesterday. Here is what I posted on Facebook last night:

Over the next 40+ days I am going to take some time to reflect on some of the things I am exploring around Lent, trauma and remembering. I hope you will join me on this journey.

Resources Mentioned in this Episode

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk

Lent

This last weekend I led a class on fostering intimacy in marriage to a group of premarital couples. I love doing this work, but intimacy can be a complicated issue. When we think of intimacy in our culture we often think of sex, or at least physical intimacy to say the least.

But the reality is there are varying kinds of intimacy that are important that a couple take an intentional stance on fostering in their relationship if it is going to be healthy.

So in this episode:

• I explore the theological underpinnings of intimacy that we see set out in the beginning of the book of Genesis in the bible.
• I explore the varying kinds of intimacy that make for a healthy relationship.
• I discuss the keys to fostering these kinds of intimacy.
• I give several "exercises" that one can practice at home to foster intimacy in their relationship.

Resources Mentioned in the Episode

As for Me and My House: Crafting Your Marriage to Last by Walter Wangerin

Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch

I have been wanting to talk on the topic of grief and loss for quite a while. I was going to wait to do an episode with my father since that has been a big part of his professional life as a pastor and hospice chaplain. But in light of some recent events in our local community the last week, I thought I would go ahead and post some thoughts on this topic.

This is a topic near to my heart as I have had to spend a large part of my life working through grief over the death of my mom when I was 11 years old. And in my experience unresolved, or should I say, grief that hasn't been processed (because what is resolved grief anyways) can come back to create problems in other areas of our life.

In this episode:

• I share my own story of grief and loss due to my mom's death at the hands of breast cancer.
• I share some quotes from C.S. Lewis' A Grief Observed, and how it was a campus pastor giving me that book that spurred me on my journey of working through my grief.
• I share some practical steps one can take to work through grief.
• I share some books that have been helpful in my own journey and the journey of others on the topic of grief.

Resources Mentioned in Episode

A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis

Lament for a Son by Nicholas Wolterstorff

A Letter of Consolation by Henri Nouwen

Center for Loss and Life Transition

Dr. Alan Wolfelt