Hello, and welcome to another audio version of Burnt Toast!

This is the newsletter where we explore questions (and some answers) about fatphobia, diet culture, parenting, and health. I’m Virginia Sole-Smith. I’m a journalist who covers weight stigma and diet culture. I’m the author of The Eating Instinct and the forthcoming Fat Kid Phobia.

I am doing another solo episode this week, but as we discussed last week, I’m open to feedback on how you feel about the balance of guests versus Q&A episodes. I’m recording this before people got a chance to comment on last week’s post, so if you already told me what you think—don’t worry, I saw it! I’m still figuring out the right schedule here.

I have some really good questions this week and they all deal with a perennial Burnt Toast favorite topic: How do I have conversations about Health at Every Size and Intuitive Eating with people who are still buying into diet culture?

What’s especially tricky is that these conversations either come up with people whom we are otherwise very close to, and suddenly this is a real tension point in the relationship, or, as one of these questions touches on, it comes up in a context where we don’t feel comfortable being controversial, like with school parents or work colleagues.

It’s difficult to find the middle ground between staying true to your values, saying what you need to say, setting boundaries you need to set, and also not alienating people or creating a disruption. That’s the balance we’re going to try to find today with these questions.

Q: I had a question about promoting intuitive eating and HAES (Health at Every Size) as a thin person. I believe pretty strongly in Intuitive Eating because it was instrumental in ending my years-long battle with anorexia. Many of my mom friends love to complain about their weight or discuss their current diet and weight loss goals. I often want to join the conversation and share about Intuitive Eating as an antidote to that, but I’m never sure if it’s appropriate because I’m usually the thinnest person in the conversation. My natural body type has always been very thin, even without anorexia. I could just envision my friends thinking, well, it’s easy for me to say that since I’m already thin. I’d love to share some of what I’ve learned, but I never want to be condescending. Is this one of those situations where I should just shut up?

I’m going to link to the episode I did with Aubrey Gordon because we talked quite a lot about how to be a thin ally and what a thin person’s role in these conversations is. But if you don’t have time to listen again, Aubrey’s advice boiled down to: Ask your fat friends what they need, and then do that.

If these friends are talking about living in significantly larger bodies than you, if they are on the receiving end of weight stigma and oppression around their body size, then it’s not your place to say, “Have you tried intuitive eating?” because you don't have their lived experience and you can’t really know what it’s like to deal with what they deal with—despite having absolutely had your own personal struggles. Figuring out how to support them is the most important goal. From there, there might come a time where they want to hear about your experience with intuitive eating, but they also might not ever want to hear about that from you. And that’s okay, you don’t have to be the person who brings them that message.

If you’re talking about friends who are larger than you but still straight size, I think it’s a little bit different. I think it’s still worth acknowledging the privilege difference that you have, but you all have some degree of privilege.

I still wouldn’t necessarily start with, “Hey guys, have you heard of intuitive eating?” because it may just not hit right if they are really struggling and wanting to diet or in the middle of a diet. I think once someone has already made the decision to diet, that’s not the moment to come in and say, “No, let’s try this another way.”

Look for more neutral times in your friendship, where it might make sense to bring this up. Often people dip in and out of dieting, so if they’re coming off a diet that went badly, that may be a time when intuitive eating is something they’re open to learning more about. When they’re in a more neutral place with their body, they may be more interested in your experience.

The other thing, too, especially if we’re talking about this with other straight-size friends, is that it’s okay for you to set boundaries. It may be not great for your recovery to hear friends talk about diet and weight loss. Even for folks who don't have an eating disorder history, it’s just not fun to hear about diet and weight loss. It can be stressful. So, it’s definitely okay to say, “I love you so much, but I really would love to not talk about dieting. It’s something that has been pretty harmful to me, and it would really help me if we could keep that off the table.”

Are these people you need to set boundaries with to protect yourself? Go ahead and do that.

Otherwise, start with what support they actually need. Ask how you can be supportive. With other straight size folks, feel free to look for opportunities when they might be receptive to this message. When someone is deep in complaining about their weight or feeling excited about a weight loss plan, it’s probably not the time.

Q: I’d love to hear how you handle other adults’ diet culture-y, self deprecating comments, even if they are comments that don’t require a response. Like when you go to a kid birthday party, and another parent is like, “Oh my god, I can’t believe I just ate two pieces of pizza. I’m such a lard ass.” I usually either ignore the comments or smile and say something like, “I had two pieces of pizza, too.” Is there something more constructive, but also supportive and non-snarky, that we can say to get them to reframe their thinking a bit?

This is in some ways trickier because these social moments often are not the right time to bring up a controversial topic or challenge somebody. But they are also the times where it can feel really important to do so, right? If someone makes a fat joke at a party, I do think anyone who feels safe doing so has a responsibility to call it out—just like I would hope we would all call out a racist joke or a sexist joke.

The self-deprecating nature complicates that a little bit because you’re calling out someone for being mean to themselves, but they’re also being mean to other people. So there is some nuance there, but I do think it’s worth addressing.

I often do what you do, just smile and try to say something positive like, “I love pizza. Pizza is so delicious.” This is the lowest stakes way to engage, but I think it does have value by adding a layer of positivity to the way food is being talked about. And that’s really useful for the kids who might overhear these comments. If kids are busy trying to enjoy their birthday party food, and the parents are all being weird about pizza, it’s great for someone to say, “I also love pizza.” Then the kids know that even if their mom or dad is worried about pizza, someone out there isn’t. So, thinking about adding positivity so that it’s not all just food shaming is step number one.

The other thing I like to do with the self-deprecating comments is help the person take the blame off themselves and put the blame onto diet culture.

You might say something like, “Isn’t it such a bummer that we feel like we have to apologize for eating delicious food?” You’re not calling them out or saying, “I can’t believe you just said that!” You’re saying, “Isn’t it a bummer that we live in a culture that makes us feel this way?” This is a way to reframe it and to stop being self-deprecating and apologetic about eating in that way that so many people—and especially women— are conditioned to be.

Instead you’re saying, “Hey, I get that instinct. I have that instinct, too. I’m really mad that our culture has taught us that we need to atone for eating, because that is not something we were born with. That is something we have learned from diet culture.” Sometimes that can open up a really different conversation.

Obviously, you can’t always have a script ready. These comments are random and it’s hard to know when or how they’re going to come up. But if you can say, even just in your own head, when people food shame, I’m going to try to turn it back on diet culture, that might help you to be more ready when these things do come up. That way you don’t feel like you’re commiserating with them or denying their experience, you’re just saying, “Yeah, it sucks to feel this way. I’m so mad that the culture makes us feel this way.”

If it’s a straight up fatphobic comment, and you feel able to do it, I hope you will say, “That is a really harmful thing to say.” I hope you will say that you are not comfortable with that kind of comment about people’s bodies or that you don’t think it’s okay to talk about people’s bodies or people’s eating habits.

I have found I feel best doing that in contexts where I am the host. I will say something like, “We don’t food shame at my house. Sorry, guys!” to set the boundary.

Even if I’m out in the world somewhere and fatphobia comes up, I am going to try to call it out most of the time because I have the privilege to be able to do so safely, which is not true for folks in bigger bodies.

I also want my kids to see that I think those types of comments are not okay and that other adults recognize that those comments are not okay.

If your child overhears you letting it go, then I would follow up with them later and say, “I was really bummed that that dad kept telling his daughter not to eat more cookies. You know that’s not how we handle food at our house.” Follow up directly with them so that your child has some context for what they heard.

Where I will end on this: None of us are going to get every one of these right. You’re not going to hit every pitch. There are going to be times when a comment comes up, it catches you off guard, and you don’t have a response. You just have to let it go in the moment and be frustrated.

Q: My husband wants to go on a diet. I don’t know how to navigate. He thinks intuitive eating is bullshit. This is a bummer. Especially because I’m guessing that if you’re writing this, you do not think intuitive eating is bullshit. His being dismissive of something that you have found helpful or liberating is probably very, very hurtful. It’s frustrating to feel like you’re not being heard or seen by him or that your struggle is not being recognized.

That is most likely because he is deep in his own struggle with this stuff and he just can’t see it yet. But it still just sucks. So, I just want to hold space for this being really hard. I’m really sorry. It’s hard to not be on the same page with your partner.

I get this question from straight women with straight cis male partners a lot. I think it’s because men are so conditioned to engage with food in a very black and white way. The term “intuitive eating” strikes them as woo-woo or emotional. That’s something that they’ve been kind of conditioned to reject, right? They’re conditioned to count their macros, eat their burgers, and engage with food in this very straightforward way. This is why “calories in, calories out” dieting makes sense to them. It feels straightforward and understandable. Instead you want him to have an emotional process with food and that feels hard because he doesn't have language for that.

I’m speaking very generally here and I also realize I’m not making space for non-heteronormative relationships. I’m sure this plays out in similar ways in different types of relationships and different gender pairings.

A benefit of that black and white thinking is that sometimes these people do respond well to data. I will link to my favorite evidence review, demonstrating that diets do not work, and, in fact, are bullshit. This might be something you share with him. I’ll also link to a piece I wrote a few months ago called The Thing Your Husband Really Needs to Read. This piece is more about how not to talk about food around kids, but I think there are probably some useful nuggets in there. Those are both pieces that you could suggest he read if he is asking for your advice or if he is asking if he should go on a diet.

What I will also say is: This is your husband’s problem to solve.

We’re conditioned, as women in heteronormative relationships, to be our husband’s emotional support. We’re conditioned to help them navigate and solve problems. And that’s not always fair. Of course, in relationships, we want to support our partners, but there can be such an imbalance.

If he is saying, “I’m gonna do this diet. I’m psyched about it. Intuitive eating is bullshit,” and he’s not actually asking for your input, I don’t think it serves you to put in the emotional labor to try to change his mind or coach him through this or try to get him to open up about his feelings about food.

That’s work for a therapist to do. That’s not work for a wife to do. I think you can say, “Okay, that’s where you are. I’m in a really different place. I need to protect my own relationship with food.” If you have kids, you need to protect your kids’ relationships with food, too. So, “Good luck with that diet, but I don’t want diet talk at the family table. We’re gonna all keep eating the way we always do. This is something you’re doing for yourself. We get it, but we don’t have to be on this journey with you.”

That might sound a little harsh, but I think it’s important to recognize that you cannot fix other people. You can’t change them, especially on something this complicated. This is something he’s going to have to muddle through for himself.

It’s really hard to watch someone caught in a long-term dieting cycle. Maybe this is a new thing he’s trying, and he’ll quickly realize that it doesn’t work and he’ll come back around.

If he’s coming to you saying, “Intuitive eating is bullshit and I want to do this diet,” then he’s not looking for the kind of support you can give. If he’s asking for information, we’ve got the information for him. If he’s just informing you of this, then you’ve been informed. Set the boundaries you need to set.

I hope this is helpful, especially with holidays on the horizon in whatever COVID state they’re going to be. We might be seeing friends we haven’t seen for a long time or reconnecting with folks. So these conversations will likely keep coming up because we didn’t have these conversations for a year and a half. We’re back in the space of trying to figure this out. I hope this gives you some helpful strategies to play around with.

As always, I love updates! If you try this, if you have these conversations, report back let me know how it goes. If you’ve got other strategies you like to use, drop them in the comments!

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The Burnt Toast logo is by Deanna Lowe.

Burnt Toast transcripts and essays are edited and formatted by Corinne Fay, who runs @SellTradePlus, an Instagram account where you can buy & sell plus size clothing.

And I’m Virginia Sole-Smith. You can find more of my work at virginiasolesmith.com or come say hi on Instagram or Twitter. I’m @v_solesmith. Thanks for listening! Talk to you soon!

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