Probing Ancient Aliens

It's time to party like it's December 21st 2012, when we were all going to look up to the sky and fuckin' DIE because the Mayan Calendar said so! Did the Ancient Astronaut Theorists consult an actual Mayan expert to contribute to this episode? And de answer is...NO! But there's plenty of fear-mongering to be had as our plucky researchers wonder what the return of the 9 gods, and the return of Kukulcan, and the "living mythology" of the Maya coming true at the end of that very unfateful year. Let's do a long-count of PROOOOOOOOBING into the Doomsday Prophecies of the Maya...and some other cultures n' shit.

Season de Quatro starts off with a big cataclysmic BANG when the Mayans are playing with their apocalyptic Long Round Calendar! Steve and Joey have something else long and round...their pink sock prolapses flapping in the wind as they yak on and on about Mayan math, Mayan astronomy, Mayan pyramids, Mayan gods and goddesses, Mayan religion, Mayan hieroglyphics, Mayan snake-men, Mayan spaceport landing platforms, and Maya Maya More! Everything you wanted to know about the vast Mesoamerican culture...with 5,025% more pottymouth! Let’s prooooooobe deep into the Conspiracy that Von Danicken, Tsoukalos, Childress and the boys mention...for like a minute in the middle of the episode...and then probe even deeper into other Mayan stuff!

Did ancient aliens jumpstart man’s evolution by altering their DNA? Were Adam and Eve simply the first “modern” humans to understand the power of gentics...or were they aliens themselves that were cast out for having SECKS with their homo sapien creations? Were we simply advanced apes that “overnight” had a “big bang” in our intellectual evolution? How much does pubic-like hair way? What is that white glaze all over the walls of the tombs in the Valley of the Kings? Steve and Joey are here to probe DEEP and talk, sqwak, and pink sock it out on the season 3 finale of everyone’s favorite show about Ancient Astronaut Theory...which, again, seems desperate to explain itself as the creators were likely unsure if it had the ratings to stick it out. Little did they know they’d have the greatest show to ever grace the lips of our eyes! So let’s prooooooooooooobe!

Do humans really have superpowers lying latent in our DNA? Did the Extra Terrestrial gods of the ancient world give men devices to enhance their sight, strength, or even bestow the power of invisibility? Was the battle between the Olympians and the Titans an actual civil war that split an ancient alien race down the middle and cast rebels out of their mothership? Joey and Steve don’t really know, and it’s clear that our plucky Ancient Astronaut Theorist don’t either, since this episode is pretty much about present day “future tech” and how maybe, just maaaaybe, they sound pretty similar to ancient myths where Greek gods had hi-tech helmets, shoes, chariots, and weapons. Watch out for a special appearance from Jafaar and Gilbert Gottfried as well as plenty of prolapse talk for fans of the great pink sock! Let’s PROOOOOOOOOOOOOBE!

Did aliens create zombies and vampires, or simply inspire humans to ressurect dead bodies because they witnessed hypersleep chambers in alien crafts? Phew, that’s a mouthful, and this whole episode is pretty much a hole-fillin’ glop of speculation and theological examples of the afterlife...but of course: ALIENS! Aliens apparently taught us that our blood is “important” and they’re going to judge us when the Day of Reckoning happens to make sure we did what they said...whenever that was. The best part? TONS of Childress Chime-ins and our first guest: my sister Laura...because she felt like it! Let’s prooooooobe into the cold wet holes of aliens and the undead!

Steve and Joey went to Alien Con 2018! Like two little old ladies, they drove up to the Pasadena Convention Center for the premier Ancient Aliens event of the year! Well, they missed Contact in the Desert, so they can’t say for sure...but the cast and crew of our favorite show about Ancient Astronaut Theory were all there to spread more learnin’s and yearnin’s for the alien boys we love! The boys recap the plethora of panels they attended, the whirlwind of wierdos on the show floor and in Q and A sessions, as well as the fun factoids they picked up throughout their Friday and Saturday journeys. Plus...the piece de-Child-RESS: They meet David Hatcher Childress. If that’s not enough to get your probing wands as stiff as a convention center hot dog - I don’t know what is!

Is the World Grid real? Did ancient man build their megalithic stoneworks on each of its nodes by chance...or were they influenced to follow this magnetic pattern by advanced Extraterrestrials? Are Temple Mount, Balbek, and the Pyramids at Giza electromagnetic gas stations for alien craft to stock up? Was the Greek god Apollo simply an ancient alien that travelled along Ley Lines to the north to spread the gift of knowledge and technology to the Vikings? Was Apollo actually SANTA CLAUS?! Let’s see what our plucky Ancient Astronaut Theorists have to say on this jam-packed episode of almost pure speculation. The Childress Chime-ins, Tsouk-Alerts, and (all-new!) Bara Barrages just keep coming after a few episodes of just boring ol’ facts - so there’s plenty of imitatin’ and ingratiatin’ to be had as we PROOOOOOOOOBE into the Secret Code...whatever that is, since the episode implies it’s like three things.

Are murderous cult leaders actually motivated by contact with malicious Extra Terrestrials? Are cultists like the Circumcellions, Heaven’s Gate, the Narcosatanists, and the Thuggi mind controlled by aliens posing as gods? Is there any difference between the divine kings of the past and modern psychopaths who believe they’re special, divine, or of advanced alien origin? Steve and Joey don’t know, and neither do our plucky Ancient Astronaut Theorists, but the idea is pretty compelling, and the episode is like a cool crash course in the History of Cults - plus, pleeeeeeenty of Prolapse humor! Let’s PROOOOOOOOOOBE!

Did aliens help George Washington win America’s Independence from the British? Why don’t history books teach about Thomas Jefferson officially reporting a UFO sighting during his Vice Presidency? Why doesn’t anyone focus on the Extra Terrestrial musings by Ben Franklin in his Poor Richard’s Almanac? Why don’t more people know that many of the Founding Fathers were Freemasons with a mystical and scientific view of the world...and using their secret society’s tenants to shape our great nation from the get-go?! We’re totally freaking out man!!! I think we need to check our facts with the great documentaries National Treasure 1 and 2 with narrator Nicholas Cage! Or, you could probe deep with us into a pretty cool (cans) episode of Ancient Aliens, where it’s mostly just a lot of interesting info and the AAT guys give us a little break from their ponderings and assumptions. Let’s PROOOOOOOOOBE because the British are coming! The British are coming!

Are there special “POWER PLACES” that are truly “cursed?” Are the weird electromagnetic energies of Aokigahara Forest causing Japanese people to commit Suicide? Are the Cauldrons and alien Orange Orbs of Siberia’s Valley of Death causing radiation sickness and killing hikers? Does the Aboriginal god known as the Rainbow Serpent really eat the wicked folk that dare to enter Australia’s Black Mountain? Are we creating future Evil Places by dumping radioactive waste deep into the ground? Let’s see what our plucky Ancient Astronaut Theorists have to say - you know they’ll have mountains of evidence and it won’t just be presenting some weird shit as proof that weird shit is what they say it is! Let’s have our devil emoji’s at the ready and PROOOOOOOBE into some Evil...koinda scaaaaaary places!