Pulp Nightmare | Tales of The Unaccountable | Comedy | Weird | Movie Commentaries

In this edition of Pulp Commentary, you gotta look out for flying TVs just as much as slashing machete's, because not only is everyone's favorite hockey mask wearing killer back from the grave(again) but HE HAS MET HIS MATCH. Well, sorta. He does get a couch thrown at him. It's Supernatural Entity of Pure Anti-Sex Evil vs Teenage Girl Who Can Hurl Random Crap Around With Her Mind! The Rumble At Crystal Lake! The Showdown! The Battle of... Something-Something! So, come on and do the Jason Walk with us, because we're back at camp for FRIDAY THE 13TH PART SEVEN: THE NEW BLOOD.

A loose-cannon cop with nothing to lose (Christopher Lambert, Highlander) finds himself on the outskirts of a crime-ridden Detroit ruled by magical fairy-people and vile orcs, under the dominion of a power-mad crime boss known as The Mage. Can he cope with his post-traumatic stress of losing both his partner, and his wife and child in separate incidents long enough to save the Princess? Find out, in this 1988 adventure romp which also stars Gene Simmons, Heather Locklear, Bobcat Goldthwait, Donald Pleasence, David Bowie, and a special appearance by André the Giant as "The Dragon". 

"✯ ✯ ✯ ! Made absolutely no sense, but I loved it!" - Peter Travers, Rolling Stone Magazine

In which the boys and Hero really regret this episode. "Listen" as the "trio" are "disturbed" to the point of "insanity" by events that unfold in the dark recesses of the mind of a man made of beans, childhood icons are taken to task for their debauched behavior, and a fetishism is taken to such an extreme that even Swamp Thing is horrified. Kakarot! Greatest of Saiyans! Where are you when we need you?! 

WARNING: GRAPHIC CONTENT DETAILED. Seriously. Censored for the most part, but heads up.

In this edition of Pulp Commentary, just when we thought it was safe to crank-up 80s rock and skinny dip... the series gets a defibrillator shock from HELL. One convenient lightning strike reminds us that nothing this evil (or marketable) ever dies -- and this time, Mrs. Voorhees' baby boy is DONE screwing around. Will a sexy hero be able to triumph over the now zombified killing machine? Will Tommy Jarvis finally quell his nightmares? Will this be the only legitimately well made film in the entire franchise? Join us, and (maybe) find out... because he's back, The Man Behind the Mask, IN... FRIDAY THE 13TH PART SIX: JASON LIVES. I'll get the body bags.

In which the boys find themselves betrayed at every corner and fall victim to an unrelenting curse! Listen as alliances are forged and then immediately broken in a mad quest for power; witness the fall of the House of Pulp, one-by-one, at the hands of a cash-suited psychopath who can't stop doing calculations. Bring the Gold Helicopters lower! Bring them lower!

In this special x-mas edition of Pulp Commentary, the boys now have a machine gun, ho ho ho. So, start knowing what a TV dinner feels like, bubby! We're your commentating white knights! Not even shards of glass in our feet can stop us from soldiering on through Nakatomi Plaza, and all forty stories of adventure it holds; because despite losing 25% of the hostages in the process, we're watching DIE HARD. We read about it in Time magazine.

In this edition of Pulp Commentary, the boys make the most important decision of their collective lives -- they get their asses to MARS. So, hop into a Johnny Cab and unleash the Kuato within you, because we're not only giving them air, but we're watching Paul Verhoeven's sci-fi classic... TOTAL RECALL. We can commentate it for you wholesale.

In which Sheriff Mike and One-Legged MB hit somebody with their car, throw somebody down an elevator shaft, and find Bob's severed leg. Also, Beth dies. But don't worry about that. After carrying the song bird's lifeless corpse out to be set ablaze like she's Darth Vader, they watch Maggie roast marshmallows over it and discuss "Coda," the mid-season finale of The Walking Dead.

In which the boys, once again joined by Hero, return to an old classic - MB's Newsdesk! And unfortunately so, because it details a real life tragedy that is mocked relentlessly and without class. Which mysterious foe of Pulp Days Past returns to taunt the trio? Only the Equestrians know, and they're too busy playing poor to care. He was sober that night! Really, he said he was! Don't you check the facts, America!

In which Sheriff Mike and One-Legged MB hail Hydra! But despite continuing to swear their allegiance to The Red Skull, even in the zombie apocalypse, they still manage to discuss "Crossed," the newest episode of The Walking Dead.