Rats In The Gutter

By Sam Te Kani & Johanna CosgroveComedy Society & Culture Relationships

Rats In The Gutter episodes

May 28, 2025 Celestial Mantis
This week the rats discuss the proverbial (delusional?) lure of escape; whether it be from an alien abduction themed escape room, or between the bars of your frankly mis-advertised air bnb at Abu Ghraib, we ask what the true cost of freedom is (hint; it’s a flaying of the face). Also, are all bisexuals ‘vers’, or is this just another myth (much like bisexuality itself; just joking, we know it’s real). Johanna’s queer-card is put to the test (and nearly revoked) as she describes how strap-ons don’t do it for her, if only because she’s a tactile gal and wants the velvety kiss of the puss against her bare fingers (or something). Also also; Sam gets excited about a ‘celestial mantis’ which the internet tells him is a real live insect species, but which (if it isn’t AI) may also be a sign of the coming apocalypse as it’s only been seen by humans three times in the last 150 years (this recent being the third official sighting). Basically a heady brew of a podcast that’ll have your grown mother girding her loins through the wall as she pretends not to overhear (because you're still living with her, presumably, in these financially impossible times).
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50 min
May 21, 2025 Gay for Pay (Yay)
Twin or tumour, length or girth, polyamory or cheating. The rats are asking hard questions this week and, like most media, reducing the nuances of reality to subsets of easily digestible binaries (you’re welcome). Notably, gender is explored and the fractious myth of ‘male loneliness’ which is actually, so the rats think and say, a symptom of toxic masculinity; which, they add, no one is immune from embodying, from doe-eyed twink to bullish butch (plaid-inclusive). But perhaps the most important takeaway from this week’s episode is how the new masc ideal is porn adjacent, and willing to suck. Dick for the right price; in fact, for those investing in themselves down OF paths no prom persona is complete without situational anal, because straight sex just doesn’t have the same (paying) audience. What does this mean for sexual politics broadly? Is there a future version of het masculinity that proves itself by systematically erasing its gag reflex? Listen to find out.
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41 min
May 05, 2025 Recommended Protein
This episode is proudly supported by ReWired.org.nz - a non-judgemental support group for people who want to bring their Party 'n' Play into focus.

As late-stage capitalism devours us all the rats turn inward, applying the same journalistic principles of critical analysis which they’re known for to the ways in which they move through the world. This includes looking at their morning routines, varied because one of the rats is obnoxiously sober atm while the other maintains the little sanity they’re afforded by carnie-life in the form of treats and intermittently playing dead. Neither rat is very fond of AI therapists though, and take the time to denounce what they consider to be the height of species-despair and un-dignity (seriously, just unalive yourself; is probably something an AI would say, and famously has said). If not self care then what might save us? Machine Girl? (The answer is yes and we’re very excited for their Auckland gig in June; not a paid promotion). Also, does being fed a load scooped out of your freshly painted love-chute count as recommended daily protein intake, or should you supplement? Find the answer to this and so many other poignant questions within (as in within the episode, not within like how your yoga instructor means when you’re on the mats for shavasana).
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47 min
April 28, 2025 Pillow Princess
This episode is proudly supported by ReWired.org.nz - a non-judgemental support group for people who want to bring their Party 'n' Play into focus.

This week at least one of the rats is experiencing the kinds of performance exhaustion that made Houdini fake his own death back in 1926 (unverified). That said, the pair drag themselves up from the bowels of ennui to deliver a refreshing overhaul of The Moment (like, spiritually; nearly zero facts). This overhaul begins with a rough inventory of gay sexual personae, including a breakdown of the mysterious veil between being an otter, and being a twink (nearly the same animal tbh). Also, the sheer agony of having to share a planet with Winston Peters, who this week gaffed on RNZ calling things like the cost of living crisis and effing healthcare ‘woke’ obsessions—like, everyone gets sick my bro. Even Hitler got the occasional cold (or maybe more than occasional considering his heavy amphetamine use lol).

All of this to deflect from the fact that Winnie’s little Genital Inspection Bill is just smoke in the eyes of an NZ public that’s being robbed by profiteering MPs for whom a special circle in hell is reserved (spoiler; it includes nukes-as-butt-plugs and a rec-centre run by the guys who did Guantanamo Bay, just coz they love the US so much). Finally, there’s a very informative anecdote about gym enemies, and how to triumph over these by being the pillow princess during an impromptu orgy at your local bath-house. Kiaora!
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1 hr 1 min
April 22, 2025 Maybe, That’s The Clit
This episode is proudly supported by ReWired.org.nz - a non-judgemental support group for people who want to bring their Party 'n' Play into focus.

Not an easter special by any measure but Jesus Christ does get a mention by way of his unofficial bio-epic JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR, of which Johanna is a recent convert. We’d also be remiss if we didn’t touch on Katy Perry going to space, mostly because of our deep collective grief (as a species) that she just didn’t stay up there (orbiting the planet; intermittently bumping into one of Musk’s largely ornamental satellite chains). Also also, we discuss Mickey Rourke’s recent bullying of a literal child, Jojo Siwa; and how absurd it is that an older generation of lesbian should punch down on a younger one, and so publicly.
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
49 min
April 08, 2025 Put It In The Bag
Jubba Hive Rise! This week (under the looming shadow of . . . well, everything right now) the rats find small (guilty) joy in spending absurd amounts of money. We explore the magic of mushrooms, and in doing so are forced to confront the abjectly humiliating auras of those who love mushrooms a little too much. We touch on China’s mycelial trade reach, the absurdity of tariffs, the unbearable lightness of Jabba, all lightly spritzed with the usual caustic psychobabble you’ve come to know and loathe. Also, what are the real dangers of waxing your scrotum. And is it really such a faux pas to call it a ‘Manzillian’? And finally, whose anal trough is more appealing; Sam’s or Johanna’s (you wanna know, and we wanna tell you). And please forgive the sub-woofing sound of Sam’s vape—it’s one of the few reasons he has to get out of bed in the morning
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54 min
April 03, 2025 Labia to Linoleum
Johanna is in Melbourne doing the comedy circuit. So begins a month or so of long distance episodes. Kinda like Heloise and Abelard but without the platonic eroticism. And instead of a medieval cloister the rats are sending each other passionate missives from an air mattress and a shared artist studio, respectively. Highlights include sudden death, the Abu Ghraib-adjacent regimen of reformer pilates, and Picnic at Hanging Rock (which should cost definitely NOT be remade).
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
58 min
March 26, 2025 The Unbearable Vices of Being
Despite there being very little reason to live at the moment, what with the kinds of geopolitical instability unseen in the west since the end of WW2, the rats manage to find joy in the little things. Like wings from Dominos. The ferocious ally-ship of Azealia Banks (and how JK Rowling betrayed the millennials responsible for her ill-begot fortune). DIY glory-holes with strangers (only a towel and a shower door needed!). And nostalgic tv shows (which when indulged, more often than not, are a clear sign of an incoming depression). Also, what the effing eff are The Humours and why are they relevant in Severance? If this is the second coming of Lost we’ll be very annoyed.
See Johanna Live in Melbourne | Sydney | NZ
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56 min
March 13, 2025 Sabine Returns
Trilling echolalia of the inner chamber, walls slowly closing in, but they’re gilt chintz so we don’t mind. Also fuck Luxon.
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55 min
March 07, 2025 BUZZY
Oscars? Buzzy. Raglan? Buzzy. PR relationships? Buzzy. A tight five? Buzzy. Marmite sandwiches? Buzzy. Davide Seymour’s natal alcohol syndrome? Priceless.

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52 min

About Rats In The Gutter

From the publisher's feed

Auckland, the Babylon of Australasia. Home to award-winning creatives/ aspiring Jezebels Sam Te Kani and Johanna Cosgrove. Join them as they navigate daily life in a gorgeous South Pacific necropolis…