Regular Features

Do you think Pliny the Elder and Pliny the Younger ever had a magic act where Pliny the Elder would climb into a big wooden box with whatever the Latin is for "PLINY THE ELDER'S DE-AGING DEVICE" written on it. Then Pliny the Younger would jump out of the box and say "behold, it is I, Pliny the Elder but younger. But you may call me simply Pliny."

Then William Pitt, who had been watching from backstage, calls his dad on the phone and says "Pitt! Pitt the Elder! It's your son, Pitt the Younger. You know that new sound you're looking for? Well listen to this!" and then he holds the phone towards the stage, not understanding that telephones can't convey a magic act that ended twenty seconds ago. "Pitt the Disappointment, more like," says Pitt the Elder on the phone to no one.

In this episode. Steve gets scanned. Log gets Zimmed. Joe gets secrets. Charmed I'm sure.

I really have to encourage you to listen to this, because Log makes a whimsical guess during the second feature and it's honestly astonishing stuff. Elsewhere, Joe gets into advertising (again), Matt's been watching strangers on the beach (again), and Log regales us with tales from the life of man who sells fish in pubs (unique).

P.S. You're a bee.

When she saw me running backwards and forwards and getting confused, shouting "oh no I can't organise my thoughts because I'm running backwards and forwards and getting confused", my grandmother used to put a hand on my shoulder and say "more haste, less speed".

I looked her square in the eye and said "oh my god you mad hag everyone knows time = distance / speed, that is the most stupid thing I've ever heard". Then I would fall asleep from not being able to find my keys.

It is THAT spirit of GET IT DONE that Gav brings to the world when he drives a car: up to - and exceeding! - the speed limit. This time, however, he has been caught, and now the only Zooming he's doing is in a meeting with a speed awareness instructor! (That's a real joke: there are nearly FOUR in this episode.)

Meanwhile, Joe brings an angry father into the show. A man who wants to know why his debutante offspring has been scandalised to death by our vulgar utterances. And Log has joined a gym that is expensive beyond reason and reckons he can put it against his tax bill if he says it was research for the podcast.

"Western Streets" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)

Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License

http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Oh my goodness, you STINK. Get in the bath immediately. I cannot BELIEVE how often I have to scrub the stink off of you in this bath. Urgh, first I need to scrape off this outer layer of Gavin, who has clearly been equating figures of Irish renown with NFL offensive positions. Oh, and what do we have under here? A Steve feature about his washing machine I shouldn't doubt. And, oh god, I've been sick, this is a whole bubbling film of Joe discussing the stagnation of the kitchen. OK get out, I love you again.

Take a little pinch of Regular, and a heaped teaspoon of Features. Pre-heat the oven. Sorry I was supposed to tell you to do that first. Unpinch the Regular and tip the Features back into the Feature Scuttle. Now that your hands are free, pre-heat the oven. Okay. Now you can repinch the Regular, add a heaped teaspoon of Features. Hold on. There was supposed to be greaseproof paper somewhere. Sorry.

In this episode, Joe introduces us to Rumplestiltskin's weird brother. Log clears out a gay bar using the power of words. And Steve is back with a critically acclaimed sequel in the Brian Cradle sagaverse. Please love us!!

"Volatile Reaction" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)

Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License

http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

"Touching Moments Four - Melody" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)

Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License

http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Oh, it's a bad day to be a dolemite! But possibly a good day if you're a children's book or someone called "Rocky Balboa".

Welcome back to Britain's LEAST acclaimed podcast. It's Regular Features, gab nab it, and it's the only podcast on the web as far we know.

In this episode, Steve has an update from the British Podcast Awards. Log measures our pride with a capital pee. And Matt talks about chairs for what seems like ages, but turns out is only about 12 minutes. Okay here we go.

We can't believe we're the first ever podcast to reach Episode 600. Feels a bit weird tbh.

But thank YOU, dear readers, for supporting us all these years and for keeping this runaway train of nonsense chugging along and stocked up with coal.

(the coal is likes and iTunes reviews and the track is Patreon money fyi)

Whaaah it's a pleasure to make your acquaintance, I'm sure. Who me? Whah ah am the most readily scandalised debutante in all of Mississippi. A single nod from a brute would be enough to butter my teacakes and make my shadow scurry up my garters, ahhh doooo believe. Ahh rahhllyy achsually dooooo if you don't mind.

In this episode, Joe introduces me to the fine and upstanding gentlemen of this podcast, who I am assured are decent folk of good moral standing. And Log, ah am told, goes to war with various birds. Ahhh. AHHHHH.

"That Zen Moment " Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)

Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License

http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Open wide, it's time for podcasts.

In this episode, Joe recounts the story of a man who drove his car into where a multi-storey car park wasn't, Steve invites us on a tour of Candyman's factory, and Log lists the animals of his local city farm that have displeased him.