Regular Features

Are you a victim of shiny ham? Did you think it was like shiny beef (which is fine), ate it, and your hands fell off? Then are we the legal team for you! We will personally sue the pig who produced your ham that went shiny. If they're already dead, we'll sue their piglets. We will get you your money back! But not your hands, those are long gone. Actually, can you bring your hands to our law office? We want to see fallen-off hands, just for our own curiosity.

And while you visit, we might play you an episode of Regular Features in which Matt finds out Mavis Beacon wasn't real, Log starts but - crucially - does not finish a feature, and Joe makes a startling discovery inside an audio illusion. DON'T DELAY IF YOU ATE BAD HAM.

Hello, my name is Betty Boop, the owner of the Regular Features podcast. I am 95 years old but still as sprightly as a bag of Tennessee pickles. Teehee. Anyway it is my pleasure to welcome you to another episode I suppose.

In this one, Steve's still on about aeroplanes for some reason, Log discovers the origins of Hockley Nottingham's infamous Goose Gate, and Matt lists the horses from worst to blurst.

This week Bobby Williams' monkey movie has a grip on the Regular Features boys however one of the lads refuses to be caught up in the zeitgeist and has done a feature about Family Fortunes or summin'.

This episode of the podcast is dediated to Twins director David Lynch.

New year, new you? No! Old year, OLD YOU. Open up those earholes and let us slither on in again, like you always do. Change is for the weak. Continuing to listen to Regular Features is strength. Phwoar. Look at you. Have you been working out.

In this episode, Joe's got hoofs on the baize, Steve's got lungs out of phase, and Log's got heraldic insights that amaze. Roll tape!

This year instead of our annual Ramblemas Special, we bring you the inaugural Regular Features Rambuary Spectacular.

Come and get your oats, mother. I have prepared the oats for thee. They are in the garage, mother. I have set the oats on the floor, behind the Citroen. Pay no heed to the engine noise, mama. Consume the oats and be satisfied. Oh mother, it is dark behind the Citroen. Allow me to illuminate your meal of oats with the car's reversing lights. No, I will not crush you under the Citroen, mother. I would not dare. I am saddened that you would even suggest such foulness. Aha! I am crushing you now, mother. I will have what is coming to me. What I deserve. My inheritance of oats! The oats will be mine!

In this episode, Steve acquires the deed to a platinum mine, Log defends his pub from amateur Christmas boozers, and Joe addresses the bag of wheat in the room.

Happy Christmas!

I'm uploading this from America, which means that you should now be seeing Coca-Cola streaming from the USB port of your phone. That's free Coca-Cola, so don't miss out. It's going in your shoe! It's going in your shoe!! You got Coca-Cola shoe!!! That's not our fault. Get a glass, now, make the most of it. Oh it's over. Don't blame us, it's your phone, and your shoe, and your Coca-Cola.

In this episode, Gav has upset a Reader, Steve sends us on an Oat Quest, and Joe has noticed a pattern in North American filmmaking that he wishes to exploit

This week Joe has a bone to pick with Gav and it's nothing to do with the fact that Gav saw King Charles the other day and didn't spit at him. Matt also invites you to enjoy a game show he's made about a well. Like what the title and the artwork are on about.

Hello, this is an episode Regular Features. Please remain seated until your group number is called. In this episode, Log's friend Wolf Blitzer dispenses with his unruly cats. Matt dispenses playground justice. Steve dispenses a helicopter into a mountain. Joe dispenses a lost Elvis Presley recording.

In this episode, Log gets a cease and knock-it-off from the estate of a former member of house of the England parliament of the member of the right honourable house of members of the house... in Britain! And Steve's friend has been rubbing shoulders with stars on a barge. Barge stars! Legal threats! What more can we give? We're doing our best!!