I offer up memorable nuggets from some of the world’s leading relationship experts, including John Gottman, Harville Hendricks, and Esther Perel.

When in conflict, call to mind the acronym WAIT: “Why Am I Talking?!” Understand Gottman’s profound assertion that at all times in relationship interactions, you are either operating as a team or not a team. There is no gray area. Even if the issue is, “hey, you’re kinda being a jerk right now,” this issue can be addressed and solved as a team (e.g., “let’s discuss what’s bugging you and work through it”.) Gottman also asserts that the start of a conversation (whether pleasant or contentious) predicts the direction the conversation ends up 95% of the time. Gottman mentions that his decades of studying couples reveals that healthy partnerships have a 20:1 ratio of positive comments to negative comments in everyday communication, and even during times of conflict they preserve a 5:1 ratio!

Harville Hendricks says to establish a “zero negativity policy” to avoid raising people’s defenses. His most important relationship attributes are: Safety (to communicate your truth), Zero negativity, and dispensing Chronic Affirmations. Helen Fisher says successful long-term relationships show empathy, emotional control, and overlook negative attributes to emphasize the positive. Esther Perel says treat your partner like you would a top client: you have to woo them initially, and continue to treat them beautifully, because you know they can bail at any time. Don’t take partner for granted any more than you would a client. Great stuff, but often hard to embody in real life when you are too busy and too stressed. A UCLA study of DIWK (Double Income With Kids) reveals busy couples talk for only 35 minutes per week—and then mostly about logistics instead of levity or intimate conversations.

TIMESTAMPS:

When you are in a conflict situation, use the acronym WAIT. (Why Am I Talking?) [00:00:26]

John Gottman states: In a relationship, you are either a team or you are not a team.  There is no in between. A conversation starting point can predict the direction that it is headed. [00:01:20]

The ratio of positive to negative comments during a conflict is 5 to 1 and during everyday normal conversation the ratio is 20 to 1. [00:03:02]

Harvelle Hendricks suggests you establish a “zero negative policy” when you are in conflict. It's not what you say; it's how you say it.  Does your relationship include safety, zero negativity, and chronic affirmations? [00:03:47]

Helen Fisher says the traits of successful relationships are empathy, emotional control, overlooking the negative, and focusing on the positive attributes.  [00:04:54]

Study from UCLA showed busy couples talk only 35 minutes per week! [00:05:34]

If your life stress level is high, then your relationship stress level is going to be high. [00:06:28]

Esther Perel, not without controversy, talks about keeping the polarity going in a relationship. [00:07:04]

Christopher Ryan says humans are not wired for monogamy, but we have a strong desire to conform to society.  [00:07:36]

In today's world we have more choice than ever before in how we choose to live. [00:09:17]

Treat your partner like you would a good client.  You have to woo them in the first place and then you know they could leave any time so you continue to treat them with the highest standard at all times. [00:11:01]

 

EMAIL: [email protected]

 

REFERENCES:

• Helen Fisher: She is a anthropologist who studies gender differences and the evolution of human emotions.
• John Gottman: Gottman’s “Four Horsemen” Predict Divorce: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling
• Harville Hendricks: He is the author of “Getting the Love You Want” and “Keeping the Love you Find”.
• Esther Perel: She is recognized as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on modern relationships.
• Christopher Ryan: Author of “Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What it Means for Modern Relationships”

 

QUOTES:

• “A conversation starting point can predict the direction that it is headed.” - Gottman
• “Treat your partner like you would a good client.  You have to woo them in the first place and then you know they could leave any time so you continue to treat them with the highest standard at all times.” - Perel
• Gottman research reveals that healthy couples have a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative comments, even in conflict.
• “You are either a team or not a team” – Dr. John Gottman
• “3 important relationship attributes: Safety, zero negativity, chronic affirmations”  - Dr. Harville Hendricks

 

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