The top 3 things couples fight about: Sex, money, & kids. If your marriage changed when the kids came, you're not alone.
Let's face it, a big reason you're not having sex anymore is because of the kids. There is no quality time, romance is gone, you're fighting over the chores, because you're sick of no sex, romance, and quality time. Then the blame game starts and everything you used to ignore before the kids becomes a pet peeve. No one can let anything go, your arguments are on repeat, and no one will capitulate.
The average couple argues 19 times a month and has sex on average once a week, every other week, or once a month. We're fighting more than we're having sex. That's a problem!
Sex is important. Connection is important. Let's break this down. Women have a hard time being a mother and a wife. There is a scientific reason behind it, and I am about to share it. We become so maternal, we neglect the marriage. I did it too!
In order for Modern Marriage to work we have to start prioritizing the marriage or one of three things will happen:
- Divorce will keep ripping marriages apart
- You will end up in a loveless marriage and living with a roommate
- One of you or both of you will stray
Before we continue you must understand women do not want sex if there is no emotional connection and men have sex to feel emotionally connected. This is the first crossroads.
So where do we start? From the beginning. I have my clients tell me every detail -their marriage story-from the beginning. I also need to know all about their childhood, their attachment style, and about their spouses. I need a thorough assessment to figure out what I am up against. I have to figure out if there is something deeper going on. Ten out of ten times there is something deeper going on.
Let's start here...
What causes the rush of good feelings that we call romantic love? Scientists that study natural hormones and chemicals tell us that lovers are literally high on drugs-substances that flood their bodies with a sense of well-being.
During the attraction phase of a relationship, the brain releases more dopamine and norepinephrine, two of the body's neurotransmitters. These chemicals help contribute to the rosy outlook on life, a rapid pulse, increased energy, and a sense of heightened perception.
Oxytocin is enhanced as well. Oxytocin is a potent hormone that plays a role in many aspects of our lives, including childbirth, nursing, orgasm, the bonding of mother and child, and social connections between individuals.
During the phase when lovers want to be together every moment of the day, the brain also ramps up its production of endorphins and enkephalins, natural narcotics that enhance the sense of security and comfort.
Romantic love is an intense emotional experience with measurable biological components-heart palpitations, sweating, sleeplessness, and impaired ability to concentrate.
The joy of falling in love is a part of us; it is a deep-seated belief that love will give us a chance to be nurtured once again and re-experience the sense of connection with which we began our lives.
The first of four sentences that occur early in a relationship is, "I know we've just met, but somehow I feel like I already know you." For some unaccountable reason, people feel at ease with each other. They feel a comfortable resonance as if they had known each other for years.
Then a little bit later, the second significant exchange of information happens, "Even though we've only been seeing each other for a short time, I can't remember when I didn't know you." Even though they met only a few weeks or months ago, it seems as if they have always been together; their relationship has no temporal boundaries. We call this the phenomenon of timelessness.
When the relationship has had time to ripen, lovers look in each other's eyes and proclaim the third meaningful sentence: "When I'm with you, I no longer feel alone; I feel whole, complete." Being together for some puts an end to the relentless search for connecting. All of a sudden, you feel a sense of belonging to and being a part of everything.
The fourth declaration is, "I love you so much; I can't live without you." They have become so involved with each other that they experience connecting as their essence, something they cannot lose.
Whether lovers say words like these or merely experience the feelings behind them, they underscore what I have been saying about the nature of our subconscious mind and reconnect to our past.
The reason we choose who we choose is that the person has traits similar to the caregivers with whom they experienced the connecting. This is why they experience a sense of deja vu, a feeling of familiarity. On a subconscious level, they are connecting again with the people who raised them; only this time, they believe their most profound, most fundamental, most infantile yearnings are going to be satisfied. Someone is going to show up and be present to them always; they are no longer going to have to feel alone and empty.
The second statement, "I can't remember when I didn't know you," is a testimony to the fact that romantic love is an old-brain phenomenon. When people fall in love, their old brain fuses the image of their partners with the image of their parents, and they enter the realm of the eternal now. To the subconscious, being in an intimate love relationship is very much like being an infant in the arms of a resonating mother.
If we could observe a couple at this critical juncture of their relationship, we would make an interesting observation: the two of them are taking part in an instinctual bonding process that mimics the way mothers bond with their babies. Researches suggest the oxytocin is fueling the behaviors of both partners. This adds to the illusion that they are going to be each other's surrogate parents by saying, "I'm going to love you the way nobody ever has."
The old brain revels in all this delightfully regressive behavior. The couple believes they are going to be transformed-not by hard work or painful self-realization, but by the simple act of connecting with someone, the old brain has confused with their caretaker.
When someone says, "When I am with you, I feel whole, complete," they are acknowledging that they have unwittingly chosen someone who manifests the very parts of their being that were cut off in childhood; they have rediscovered their lost self.
The declaration that lovers feel and some say that they would die if their relationship were to end reveals the fear that not being together would extinguish their sense of being loved. Loneliness and anxiety would well up inside of them again, and they would no longer feel at one with the world around them. On a deeper level, it shows they unknowingly transferred responsibility for their survival from their parents to their partner. By attending to their unmet childhood needs, their partners are going to become allies in their struggle to experience safety and belonging, which is essential for survival. Even on a deeper level, this sentence reveals the fear that, if the couple were to part, they would no longer feel connected, and they'd lose a sense of belonging in the world.
For more information and to schedule a FREE 60-minute Clarity Call with me go to www.HeatherCatherineCarter.com or email me: [email protected]
