ResponseABLE Parenting

This is such a tricky topic. Most of us were raised in a time without phones in our pockets let alone social media. A lot can come up for us around this topic. We want to make sure we are protecting our children from unwanted bullying, pressures and images. We want to keep their innocence as long as possible. AND we don't want them to be left out, embarrassed, or made fun of for not having access to the same things their friends do. In this episode, I share a few ideas on how to have this discussion with your children. I explore questions to ask so that we have a more neutral approach and come to the table with fewer judgements and more openness so our children feel heard and understood in the process of this decision. Ultimately I cannot answer whether or not your children should or should not be on social. My hope and goal would be for you both to have a more empowered conversation and feel solid in your path forward together.

In this episode, we dive into a listener's questions about how to get their son to practice. I talk about how we as parents can "future project" when our kids won't complete the simplest task we are asking them to do and how that projection can distort the way we respond to and treat our children. I share some skills to help gain a better understanding around what is going on for us (childhood beliefs and default patterns) as well as for our children and how to be more compassionate and both feel like our needs are getting met.

I too struggle with chaos. I am an extremely reactive person and hold onto anger and frustration for a long time. It's something I've always done and one of the big reasons I started parent coaching. Without tools, I'm a reactive mess! In this episode, I talk about a recent morning where so many things seemed to go wrong that I was completely drained before the day even began. My morning got messier and messier the more I tried to stay in logic mode. I was stuck in problem-solving mode and in reality, if I had stayed in empathy, the problems of the morning would have likely resolved themselves. In this episode, I share some steps that I took (not executed nearly as well as I wanted) to keep us in connection in spite of the domino effect that was my messy morning.

In this episode, I get the pleasure of interviewing Feng Shui expert Patricia Lohan. Patricia shares incredible stories of how small shifts in the home transformed her clients' jobs, relationships, and spilled over into their children's lives. Trouble with homework? There's a feng shui answer for that. Siblings fighting, there's a feng shui answer for that too! Patricia shares so many doable ways to start improving the energy of your home and therefore your family!

I'm a little fired up about this topic! Because it's true! Default parents are NOT allowed to be inconvenient. We are in constant service. We are the ones making sure all wants, needs, ambitions, feelings, etc are being tended to, nurtured and cared for and serviced. And when we are off, the whole family is off. Being all things, for all people, at all times is not sustainable. It's exhausting and not right. In this episode, I talk about ways to shake it up a bit and become a little less convenient as the default parent!

Today we dive deeper into childhood beliefs around being "good" and your "goodness" as a person. I share more stories from my Telluride adventure with my parents and what I've been able to uncover since. From this trip, I've been able to connect the dots between my performative goodness and my real goodness. I have since realized that as a pastor's daughter, it was vital to my dad's appearance and success for his family to be a reflection of his goodness. Growing up in this space, there was a deep understanding or expectation of showing "good" behavior at all times. When we did this, and did it well, we had more validation, and more connection, and it felt like we had more value. So in my brain, the neurons that fired together were "goodness / worthiness," and they became deeply wired.

Fast forward to a trip with my parents and my kids. My kids weren't performing to the same level of goodness that was expected of me as a child and so my wiring was going crazy. My value, my worth, my goodness felt in question because my children were not acting in accordance with my childhood expectations. I reacted from that place and did more to preserve the connection to my father, than I did to stay in connection with my son. This is a heartfelt discussion on external validation and I hope it brings light and clarity into areas within you that feel tricky and sticky when you are with your parents and your kids at the same time.

I get a lot of feedback on my Instagram reels about how I am NOT teaching my children to be respectful. While I could debate that, I don't need to waste my energy because I know that's not true AND I know that I'm teaching my kids "respect" but in a different way. I am teaching my kids kindness, empathy, compassion, how to work in a group setting, generosity, and how to make a kind request vs. a demand. I believe respect can only be learned once it is modeled. And the only way it's truly integrated and not a forced behavior is when it's modeled TO your children. So I model respect by simply asking "Is that a request or a demand" when they ask me for something. Instead of shaming them into respect by saying "You're not allowed to talk to me like that!" I calmly say "Hey buddy, was that a request or a demand?" They instantly understand that they've barked an order, and they adjust by adding please, they adopt a different tone, and they ask a complete sentence soaking in "respect." I haven't had to beat the idea of "say your please and thank yous!" into them. They understand it because we practice dozens of times a day on how to make your words land with kindness and generosity vs. demands and orders.

In this episode, I dive into cycle breaking around our families. I share why we are triggered the way that we are and what we can do to maintain our clarity and focus on our goals. I share a story about my very real triggering moment when on vacation with my family and how I was able to get sucked down my subconscious rabbit hole of what "should be." I share a story about how everyday triggers can pop up and how to use those triggers to gift your children a toolbox of skills they will use throughout their lives. Cycle breaking is incredibly difficult. Add on the extra layer of your caregivers weighing in on your actions and it can be overwhelmingly triggering. Here is some context as to why and ways you can dig yourself out.

This is a fun episode! I share my response to the reels going around Instagram and TikTok that have a video of wild children doing crazy things and the voice says "I'm sorry but gentle parenting is for gentle kids…I've got gangsters." For the record, in most if not all of these videos, the children are doing totally developmentally normal exploration. Anyway! The truth is, that gentle parenting isn't really for the kids at all! It's a comprehensive set of tools to support PARENTS so we are better equipped at handling our adult temper tantrums before putting more of our stuff on our children. And when we can do that we are giving our children an enormous life long gift! We are allowing our children to grow up and develop into adults who are fully seen, heard, understood, validated, valued, and respected. But doing this we are healing wounds of our own as we give our children the gift of self realization and total love and acceptance. This type of parenting isn't just for challenging kids. It's for all kids, and quite frankly all parents.

In this episode, I discuss our stigma of anger and aggression and how to accept, instead of reject, this totally normal human emotion. It is so easy for us to try to avoid anger, try to correct aggression, and try to move away from this "bad" emotion because it makes us uncomfortable and brings up a good deal of fear and uncertainty. But the irony is that we model anger and aggression and more often than not match our child's aggression with our own. Our intention is to stop the behavior but instead, we are just reinforcing the pattern. In this episode, I share how to match their energy, not their aggression. I share a step-by-step process which will arm you with the script for the next time you experience aggression with your children.