Rock Solid Relationships

Ready to create rock solid relationships with the people that matter most to you, you are in the right place. My name is Sarah Payne, and I'm a master. Certified relationships coach. And each week I teach you how to create the connection and love that you desire, because you know that the quality of your life is directly related to the quality of your relationships. I'm so glad you're here. Hello. Hello. Today we are going to talk about our good old friend resentment. Resentment comes up a lot, and a lot of the episodes on this podcast are about resentment, probably more than any other, because it shows up for a lot of us. And I know that so many of you are just so tired of feeling resentful, but you don't know that there are other options. And so today, that's what we're going to talk about. We're going to talk about how we often intentionally and unintentionally choose resentment because we think the other options are even worse. So what do I mean by that? Let me explain. Let's say that you want to spend the Thanksgiving holiday with your family. It's been several years since you've spent the holiday with your family, and you want to spend it with your family, but your husband doesn't really want to because he doesn't really feel comfortable around your family, and he doesn't like your parents, the bed that you sleep in at your parents house. And he'd just rather either spend it with his family or spend it at your home with just your nuclear family and your kids. But you want to spend it with your family. It's been several years, and you've already told your sisters that you're going to be there to make pies together, and that's what you want. All right? So oftentimes we know what we want, but we don't say it or we don't follow through with it because we think that we'll feel bad and we'd rather feel resentful doing what we think our husband wants or our mother in law wants or our children want or whatever, than to feel guilty doing what we want. Because we are so conditioned as women to not be selfish that we would rather feel resentful than feel guilty or ashamed for being what we would call selfish. Okay? So first off, we just want to acknowledge that we're taught like, I like to think most of us are probably taught it by our own mothers, but also we were taught it in the media. I think a perfect example of a resentful wife is And Everybody Loves Raymond. Deborah. Do you remember Deborah? I used to love that show. I used to love it. And as I look back on it, I'm like, I don't know if that was the best model of a couple for me, my husband. And of course, it's a comedy and it's fiction, and it's all in fun. But truly, if you want to see resentment personified just go watch a few old episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond and see how Deborah acts towards Raymond. And it is like a picture perfect example of resentment, okay? So number one, we're modeled it either in the media or by our own role models, parents, mentors, all of that, okay? And number two, we often choose resentment because we're not used to setting boundaries. And even if we're confused about what a boundary is, and then we're also confused about how to uphold that boundary. And then we're also really well practiced as women especially, but just as human beings in people pleasing. And so people pleasing, I remember growing up, and it was like saying you're a people pleaser, was almost like a compliment you gave yourself. Like, yeah, I just think of others before I think of myself. But people pleasing isn't thinking of others before you think of yourself. People pleasing is like putting other people's opinion, like caring more about what people think of you than about what you think of you. That is really the definition of people pleasing. And that is a really hard way to live because we actually can't control what other people think of us. And when we're making all of our decisions based on what we think they think we should do, then it's a breeding ground for resentment, for sure, and for a lack of self respect as well. So just consider that. And then we also choose resentment because we think that we either can be resentful and give people what they want, or we can feel guilty and ashamed or, quote unquote, selfish by picking what we want. Those are our only two options. And so most of us, because we were taught so explicitly that selfishness is a terrible, awful, horrible thing, that we would much rather feel resentful than be like a terrible, awful, selfish human being. And then there's this idea we have that if we're the ones that are holding the anger and resentment versus the other person in the relationship, that we're the ones with the power, even though we feel awful about it. So let's take a couple of examples, an example or two. So let's go back to the example of spending Thanksgiving with your family. Let's say that you maybe even decided last year, oh yeah, next year we're going to spend Thanksgiving with your family, that you and your husband decided that you were going to spend it with your family. And then it's getting closer. We're like, less than two months from Thanksgiving by the time this airs will even probably be like, a month from Thanksgiving. And your husband's like, I don't want to spend it with your family. Your dad is always making comments to me about this or that, and the bed is so uncomfortable and the house is so boring, and can we just spend it with us? First off, you need to figure out what you want, okay? Because what you want matters, too. And let's just, for the sake of this example, say that you actually really want to spend Thanksgiving with your family and with your siblings, all right? And all your siblings are going to be there, and you want to do that, but old. You might have been like, but it's just not going to be worth it because my husband's going to be upset while we're there, and he's just going to ruin it for me. So we just won't go to Thanksgiving with my parents. And then you end up holding it against your husband for the entire holiday, being upset with him and maybe even being angry on Thanksgiving or holding a grudge. But you don't want to do that this time. You don't want to feel resentful, and you also want to feel selfish. So there are options. It would look like this. Okay, first off, I decide what it is that I want. Figure out what I want. I actually want this one Thanksgiving with my family. And then the second thing is to communicate that with your partner, with your spouse. Remember, honey, like last year, we said that we were going to spend it with my family this year, and I really, really want this, and I want you to want it, too, but I've been planning on this, and so I really want to spend Thanksgiving with my family. And I understand if that's not what you want, but I just want to let you know that that's what I want. See how you can communicate that with love, that it doesn't even have to be an argument, even if he's upset. And he might be like, Well, I'm not going. If you go to your families, like, I'm not going to go. Okay, so then you have another decision to make. Do I want to go to Thanksgiving with me and the kids at my parents house, or do I want to spend it at home with my husband? Those are my options. And you might be thinking, no, what I want is for him to want to go to Thanksgiving with my parents. But that's actually not within your control, right? That's what he gets to choose. And you can make a request. I really want you to want to be there, but ultimately he gets to decide that because he's an adult, right? So second, after you figure out what you want and you communicate that, I always recommend you do so with love and compassion to your spouse. And love and compassion is not the same as people pleasing. You can hold your ground and say, no, actually, this is what I want, and not people, please. I'll be like, okay, people pleasing might sound like it's fine, it's not a big deal. I know you're uncomfortable when you're at my parents house, and so it's fine. We'll just do what you want, even when you don't actually mean that. That is people pleasing. That is trying to manage your husband's experience because you think it would be more uncomfortable for you to see him uncomfortable than it would be for you to say what it is that you really want, which is a breeding ground for resentment. Number three, you get to manage your mind around the old thought patterns you have where you used to people please, and you used to not set any boundaries. You get to practice thinking things like, he can be upset and I don't have to be. Or let's say you choose to go to Thanksgiving with your family and he chooses to stay home. You can tell yourself that that is dysfunctional and completely means your marriage is going down the toilet. Or you can decide to tell yourself a different story, like, it's okay if we do different things. This year we're trying something new. This year, I'm practicing setting boundaries. This year, I'm practicing making what I want a priority as well. So this third step is to manage your mind around the old thought patterns, because they will come up, and it doesn't mean anything has gone wrong, and it doesn't mean those thought patterns are true. It simply means that your brain is really practiced in thinking them. And then the fourth step is to always just continue to choose love and compassion over guilt or resentment, because, remember, we often choose resentment because we think it feels more powerful than guilt and shame that come from believing that we're selfish. And so we choose it because we have this false sense of power that it gives us. But it feels awful. It feels terrible. So let me give you an example of another example of how that might be true and how you can practice these steps as well. All right, let's say that your husband has made mention on several occasions that he wants you to get a job, and you don't really want to get a job at this point in your career. You've chosen to stay home when your kids are younger and you want to continue to enjoy the time and be like a full time mom for now. Or it could be the opposite. Your husband wants you to stay home, and you want to work. Whatever. Actually, what your husband wants is less relevant than applying these steps. Okay, but let's just, for the sake of this example, say your husband made mention of you wanting you to work outside the home. He says something, it would sure be nice if we had the extra income to pay off all our student loans or something like that. First step, figure out what you want. Do you want to work outside the home, or do you want to stay home at this time and be a full time mom? Just decide what it is that you want. It doesn't mean that you necessarily have to choose that, but you want to know what it is you for sure want to at least know what it is you want. So many times my clients come to me, and they know or they think they know exactly what their husbands want. And when I ask them what they want, they don't even know because we're so conditioned and practiced in getting all up in our husband's business that we don't even spend hardly any time at all thinking about what it is that we want. So, number one, figure out what you want. Number one, communicate that to your husband. It might sound like, hey, can we have a conversation about whether or not I go back into the workforce? And it might be a hard conversation, so I think we should do it when we're both well rested and when we're both in a space where we can listen and understand and if we need to schedule it, that's fine. I'm open. I really want to know what you think about this, and I want to be able to communicate what I think about this. See how that's so open and understanding and loving, and it doesn't have you on the defensive, because when we start conversations on the defensive, it's like we're going into a battle, right? And we don't want to do that when we're having conversations with our partner. And then, let's say it's so fascinating to me that when my clients do this, when they approach conversations like this with openness and curiosity and compassion, so often they're so wrong about what they think their husbands want. Oftentimes, if we take this example of working outside the home, they'll discover, like, oh, my husband, actually he wants whatever I want. He knows that I want to buy the house with all the land and have the chickens and the goats, and so he wants to get me that as soon as possible. But then when I convey to him that actually what I want even more than that is to be at home while our children are young, then he's like, okay, fine. That's cool. We'll just put on hold. Or we'll delay a little bit. Our dream of having the house with the white picket fence and the surrounding land, it's shocking to me, and especially to my clients, how once they have an open, compassionate conversation with their partner, how so many times he wants exactly what they want. But if you communicate that with love, you'll figure it out, right? And if you're communicating it with openness and understanding, then even if he wants something different, you can be open to that and understanding to that, which is different than agreeing with it. You can completely disagree with what he wants, and you can be open and understanding. It might sound like, oh, I see why you would want me to go back to work. Like, yeah, we would be able to pay off our student loans faster, and we would be able to move to this neighborhood or this state or set up our retirement more quickly or build up our kids education fund. That makes total sense why you'd want that, but what I really want even more than that is to be home while our kids are young. And so that's what I want even more than I want to have the retirement fund padded or the house on the hill, whatever it is. And then the third step is to manage your mind around like, oh, but I just want him to be happy. If he's not happy, I can't be happy. And he's just so unbearable to live with when he doesn't get what he wants. You get to manage your mind around those. Like, what if it's okay if he's not always happy with your decisions? And what if it's okay if he's not okay for a little bit? What if it's okay if he doesn't get his way this time? And you might decide after talking to him that actually you do want to go back to work, like, oh, yeah, I see the way that you're thinking about it, and I think that I think about it that way too. But you will know if you're people pleasing or if you are genuinely changed your mind based on how you feel inside and based on if you're thinking about doing it because you think it's what he wants or because it's what you ultimately want. And then the fourth step would be to choose love and compassion over guilt and resentment. Sometimes it's so easy to just be like, fine, he wants me to go back to work, so I'm just going to go back to work because he's so difficult to deal with when he doesn't get what he wants. And then it feels powerful because you're the one who gets to ultimately be upset with him for, quote unquote, making you go back to work. But you're totally disconnected from your husband and you're actually disconnected from yourself because you're telling yourself that you don't have a choice in this, that he's the one that's making the choice for you? Which is just, like, such a recipe for being ununified disunified, for not being on the same team in your marriage, right? Which you can tell yourself feels powerful because resentment does kind of feel powerful, but it feels terrible, too, because it's so disconnecting. Whereas the work of managing your mind around those old thought patterns and of coming up with a new way to think about it. Like it's okay if he's not okay with this right now. Or we are figuring things out, or I'm learning how to set boundaries in my marriage and it's going to be what's best for both of us, or It's okay for me to say what I want too. Or I used to think people pleasing is the answer, but I know it's not the answer anymore. Practicing new thoughts like that is ultimately going to have you so much more connected to yourself and to your spouse. So go and choose compassion and love over resentment or guilt. If this is challenging for you as you practice it, I am here to help you sign up for a take your turn strategy session by going to at Sarahpain coaching on instagram and I will help you get started. This is work well worth doing because it's not just going to affect the next five years of you choosing to go back to work now or go back to work later. This is going to affect your marriage forever. And this is not only going to affect your marriage, it's also going to affect the way your children grow up. Seeing marriage like this work is truly intergenerational. The way that you interact with your spouse is the school for your kids on what the ideas that they learn from a very young age about what healthy marriage looks like. And we want to teach them the right way because then they teach their kids and their kids kids and it really does affect like the effect that it has is intergenerational. So sign up for a consultation, call with me and we can talk about how you can apply these tools and how we can work together on an ongoing basis. Have a great weekend.

Ready to create rock solid relationships with the people that matter most to you, you are in the right place. My name is Sarah Payne, and I'm a master certified relationships coach. And each week, I teach you how to create the connection and love that you desire, because you know that the quality of your life is directly related to the quality of your relationships. I'm so glad you're here. Um, hello. Welcome back to the podcast, my friends. Today we are going to talk about when you wait for your husband to make you happy and the different ways that, as spouses, we do this and why it negatively affects our relationships, not only our relationship with our partner, but also our relationship with ourselves. So I think we can all relate to some area of our marriage where we are waiting for our spouse to change. Waiting see if any of these sound familiar. Maybe you're waiting for him to recognize you more, just to pay as much attention to you as he does to the football game. Or maybe you are waiting for him to appreciate you, appreciate the things that you do for the kids, appreciate maybe the sacrifices that you have made for his career, appreciate the little ways that you appreciate him even, right? Have you ever felt like, fine, I don't need him to do small little things for me, but I just want him to appreciate the small things that I do for him and the sacrifices that I make for him. Maybe you're waiting for him to change and work less and spend less time on his career. Or maybe you're waiting for him to be more involved with the kids. Maybe you want him to be less involved with the kids and more involved with you. Maybe you're waiting for him to be more dedicated in his church, in your church, and in the responsibilities that he has there. Or maybe you want him to be less dedicated to his church responsibilities and more dedicated to you and your family. Whatever it is, I want you to think about an area of your life where you're waiting on your husband to make you happy. Now, if you've been listening to this podcast for any number of times, you're probably thinking, sarah, I know that my husband can't make me happy. But you're also like but he would if he would just take out the garbage without me asking, then I would be happy. And you're not wrong about that, my friend. But the reason you would be happy is because you'd be thinking something like, we're a team. We share the household responsibilities, or he listens to me, or he cares enough about me to complete the tasks that I ask him to do. It wouldn't be because he actually took out the garbage, because he could also take out the garbage. And then you might think, fine, you got the garbage out. But could you please put a new liner in. I mean, seriously, do I have to tell you to do everything? And then you would feel frustrated, right? So it's just good to acknowledge that whatever it is that you're wanting him to do, the reason you would feel better if he did it is because of what you'd be thinking about what he did, all right? Now, it's not uncommon for coaches to teach that you are responsible for your own needs, and you just need to fulfill your own needs and not wait for him to fulfill them for you. And now listen, I'm not disagreeing with that advice. I've probably said that advice myself before as well. But it doesn't have to be that black or white. It doesn't have to be either he fulfills all of your needs or you fulfill your needs. Like, either one of those feels kind of isolating and separating, all right? But there is a gray area where you can take responsibility for how you're feeling and for what it is you want in life and not separate yourself from your husband. Because I know that when I hear fulfill your own needs, that actually feels pretty lonely to me. I'm like, I didn't get married so that I could just live this completely separate life from my husband. Right? But at the same time, if you have in the past or you are currently waiting on your husband to fulfill your needs, then you're probably feeling lonely too, because our husbands aren't very good at it. They're not mind readers, and then our brains are. So they think so quickly and they adapt so readily that even if they do the thing that we think we want them to do, our brains automatically just go to but what about the next thing? What about the next thing? So even if it lasts, it doesn't last for very long. All right? So I'm going to teach you a few things that you can do in order to meet your own needs and feel connected to your husband, all right? And make requests of him, all right? So first off, notice what the need is that you actually want. Sometimes we have a need, and we don't even know what it is. We just feel awful. Right? This is actually a really big clue for me in my life, especially, I like to pay attention and notice when my reaction to something, when I get bothered by something, and the level of frustration that I feel doesn't match the action taking place. For example, if I just fly off the handle when I'm driving, if somebody cuts me off, that's just a sign to me. Okay, sorry. You have a need inside of you that isn't being met. And how can we, with so much love and compassion, just get curious about what that might be? Or if there's dishes left in the sink instead of loaded into the dishwasher, and I just lose my mind over it. That's a sign to me that if I come home and I make that mean nobody respects me at all because there's a bowl in the sink or a spoon that's not been loaded in the dishwasher, that's another sign to me. I'm like, where is my reaction to certain things, like heightened or elevated or out of proportion to what's actually going on? So that's the first thing you notice, the need, and then you get curious about it. So I like to ask myself, okay, Sarah, what do you need? Do you need, like, a break? Do you need a rest? Do you need to ask for, like, what is it that you like, let's just get curious about that instead of just instantly going to, well, if people appreciated me in my house, my husband appreciated me, if my kids appreciated me, then I wouldn't be feeling so overwhelmed right now. Okay? I just notice the need. And then I like to ask myself, okay, how can I fill that need? What would that look like if I were the one to fulfill that need for me so often, especially as women wear ourselves out so much and burn ourselves into the ground, waiting for somebody to tell us we deserve a break. But did you know, you don't have to wait for someone to tell you that you can give that to yourself. Like, what would that look like if you were just like, okay, today, what are you going to do to take care of yourself? And honestly, the number one thing that I think that we can all do to take care of ourselves is speak kindly to ourselves. That is self care 101. That is where it all begins, okay? And then once you ask yourself, how can I fill it? Then you can also ask yourself, okay, does part of me fulfilling this need mean asking for help, asking for help specifically from my partner? And what would that look like? And before I ask for help, I like to just ask myself, is he already fulfilling this need in some way? Let me just look for ways that he's already fulfilling this need. Like, if my brain likes to offer to me, you have to do everything around here, then I just like to pause and be like, okay, Sarah, how can we help you out? And also, in what ways are you not doing everything? And then it's amazing, my friends, how my brain will show me when I'm looking for it that I'm actually not the one doing everything all the time. And I like to tell myself that story sometimes, but it's actually not true. And then once I can see the ways that the people in my life that I love and that love me are already helping me to fulfill this need, then I can start there. And it still might mean that I ask for help, but I do it from a place of, like, it's so helpful when you do this. I would love it if you would do it more, which is such a better, more useful conversation than, I'm so tired of doing everything around here. Seriously, could you just pitch in a little bit? It might sound like it means so much to me when you take the kids to their practices and pick them up. Like, I just love having that time in the evenings to just prepare dinner without distraction or whatever. It means so much to me when you do that. I would love it if we could work it out a way where we could do that more often. Or it might sound like, I love it so much that you always take care of X, Y and Z with the family or the household or whatever. Maybe we could find a way where you could take care of this as well. It's such a different space than, I'm so burnt out, I'm so exhausted and I can't do everything all the time, every day. So you figure out where they're already doing it, and then you build on that. And then once you build from that space, then you can ask for help. And you can ask for help from a space of abundance and from a space of like, I appreciate what you do. Can we do more of this? Versus feeling totally strung out and they're not doing anything and you're doing everything? I'm going to give you an example of what this might look like when it's not something concrete, like something that you wish that they would do, but something that you wish a way that you wish that they would think. Let's say you just want your husband to believe in your dream of being an entrepreneur and owning your own bakery as much as you do. But it's like he just doesn't believe in me. And it's just so hard to fulfill my dreams if I don't have a partner who believes in me. So if we take this example or these steps and what you want is someone to believe in you, right? You want someone to encourage you. And so first I want you to ask, how can I fulfill that need myself? Truly? I've said this before and I will say it until the day I die. If you don't believe in yourself, it does not matter how many people believe in you, it will not land. So if you are asking your husband to believe in your dreams and you don't believe in your dreams, that work starts with you. On the flip side, if you believe in yourself and in what you want to accomplish and in what you feel like you are put on this earth to do, it doesn't matter who doesn't believe in you. It will not matter as long as you believe in yourself. And then once you do the work of believing in yourself, you will actually, nine times out of ten. My clients see that, like, oh, they actually do believe in me too. And your brain will show you all the ways that they do believe in you. Maybe your husband will say things like, do we need to put aside some of our finances to build up your dream? Or how can I support you in this? Or I want to be the kind of support to you that you are to me. What would that look like? You'll notice those things more. And even if you don't, even if you don't, it won't matter because you have done the work to believe in yourself. Here's the thing. So many of us never do what it is that we want to do, what it is that lights us up inside. Because we tell ourselves that the people in our lives don't believe in us. And so we can't. And I know for sure that I don't want written on my headstone after I die. She could have been so much, but the people in her life didn't believe in her. That's like, such a place of victim mentality, right? That really, am I going to let the fact that other people are doubting in my ability to accomplish what I want to accomplish stop me? No. What if I didn't let anything stop me? What if I was just like, it's okay if they don't believe in me because I believe in me? Really? It can be that simple. It can just be like, it's okay if they don't believe in me, because I do. And I get it. I used to not believe in me either, but I do now. And isn't this so fun to kind of believe in something that nobody else thinks is possible? That is a fun thing to do. And then it's just kind of fun when people underestimate you to go do it anyway and to prove them wrong. Not from a space of like, I told you so, but just like, look what human beings can accomplish when they set their mind to something. Isn't this so fun? So whatever it is that you're waiting on your husband to do so that you can have the life that you want, I just want to offer to you that you don't have to wait anymore. That you can believe in your dreams, like, enough for the both of you, that you can fulfill your needs. And that might include asking him for help. But do it first from a place of thank you so much for doing this. And this. And this. I would really love it if you would do this as well. Whenever we start from abundance and enoughness, whether it's with our partners or with ourselves, it just is such a better conversation than if we start from a place of like, you're doing everything wrong. And if you're waiting on your husband to say, yeah, let's make space in our life and in our budget for this or that that you want to do. You can do that. Did you know that? You can do that. You can be the one to go first in leading out in what it is that you want and what it is that you need. And then you don't have to wait for your husband to make you happy. You can be happy. Now. This work of taking radical responsibility for your own emotions and for your own happiness can be challenging. I am here to help you. It can be really hard to do on your own and that is why a coach can come in so handy. And if you want help with that, if you want help believing in yourself first, going first in creating your own happiness and bringing your husband along with you, like leading out, then that is my superpower. So sign up for a consultation. Call with me. I call them take your turn strategy sessions. The best way to do that is to go to Sarah Payne coaching on instagram and click on the sign up for a take your turn strategy session or learn how to work with Sarah. I can help you do that. I cannot wait to be a part of this journey where you no longer wait for your husband to make you happy.

[00:01] Sara: Ready to create rock solid relationships with the people that matter most to you.

[00:05] Sara: You are in the right place.

[00:07] Sara: My name is Sarah Payne, and I'm a master. Certified relationships coach. And each week I teach you how to create the connection and love that you desire, because you know that the quality of your life is directly related to the quality of your relationships. I'm so glad you're here. Safe episode for you, where I get to interview Marie Poulter, who is a life coach and who specializes in helping people overcome their habit of viewing ***********. And I think this episode will be really insightful for you if either you want to stop looking at *********** or you have someone in your life who wants to stop looking at ***********. Marie's take on *********** is possibly different than any other way that you've thought about it before, and I think that it's so enlightening and refreshing. So tune in to listen to how to overcome your own habit of viewing *********** or to help a loved one who also wants to overcome their *********** habit. And if you want to know more about Marie, you can find out information on her website. She has some resources there and information about how to work with her, and the website is pornographyfreedom.com. All right, I look forward to hearing about how you like this episode.

[02:12] Sara: Hey, Marie, welcome to the podcast.

[02:15] Marie: Thank you, Sarah. Glad to be here.

[02:17] Sara: I'm so glad you're here. This has been a long time in the making. Yeah, we've been talking about this for a while.

[02:23] Marie: Yes, it tell.

[02:25] Sara: Will you introduce yourself to my audience?

[02:28] Marie: Okay, so my name is Marie Poulter, and I am a certified life coach, but I now focus on helping people who want to stop looking at *********** stop looking at ***********. And I think that's really a big key just to start out with. It's people who want to stop. I get a lot of people who are like, will you tell my husband how bad this is? Will you tell my kids how bad this is? That's not really where we're going with our coaching business. We're not trying to do that. There are some really good organizations who are making that stuff happen, but our focus is on those who want to stop, who really have a moral compass for whatever reason. It's just morally, it's not what they want to be doing. Often they're like a high functioning, successful person who has goals and dreams and can really do good at a lot of areas in their life. And for whatever reason, they just can't quite become free from ***********. So that's who we really focus on. And I make it sound like it's men, but we do have women that we work with, and it is definitely both genders, and both genders struggle with this. Men typically are introduced to it at a younger age, and research shows that they are often introduced as early as, like, nine years old. And so my heart goes out to all the little nine year olds right now in 2023, who are devastated that there is a part of them that just hates this when they see it. And then it kind of makes me emotional. Sorry. They're devastated about it, and then they kind of like it, and they don't understand why. And so they start to develop this identity that maybe something is wrong with them. And then we're going to fast forward 20 years, and they've created a life they love. They still have this one little dirty secret, I guess, that they kind of call it, and that's the people we really, really want to help because there's so much misinformation. We were just raised in a totally crazy place about the facts around *********** view. And so I'm so excited to help people with that.

[04:38] Sara: I have so many questions already. I'm writing them down because I don't want to interrupt you because you're giving so many nuggets away. But what inspired you to want to work with people who want to stop looking at ***********?

[04:50] Marie: So I guess if I back up a little bit and explain where I even found life coaching from. I'm an educator. I have a teaching certification or teaching degree, and I always knew that I love teaching, but I always felt like there was going to be something more. And I would tell my husband, someday I'm going to go back and become a therapist, a counselor. I want to help people more than just teaching them. And so I continued on in my life, raised five kids, or was in the middle of raising five kids, but I noticed that a lot of things happening in my life were just kind of out of my control. I felt a lot of times like, this is just happening to me, and I don't know what to do about it. One such instance was my little son that was six, and he was really struggling with anxiety, and I was so frustrated with him. He was, of all things, anxious that I wasn't going to pick him up from school on time. I'm the mom that gets in line second or third every day. I kind of like getting there, and I'll read for a few minutes, just have some downtime, and so I would get in line and be there. There was one day of all the days of all of my kids that I can't remember, I was a few minutes late, and he had grabbed on to this little anxiety from this one day, and it was all he could see. So I came across something on Instagram that was like, you want to help your kids with anxiety, and it was free. And something happens when something's free, we tend to not do it right away. Right?

[06:09] Sara: It's free.

[06:10] Marie: Threw it in my inbox for a few months, and then when it kept continuing. I ended up opening it up, and I did what the suggestion was, and it was from a life coach. And Sarah, I'm not kidding. Within one day, the anxiety was just gone. And we haven't ever dealt with it again. This little guy, his name is Chase, and he's now 15, and he is so cute. With anxiety or negative feelings in general. As soon as he sees them coming, he's been trained to say, oh, there it is. And he goes through the process that we process and release emotion, and it's so cool to watch him. So when I saw that, when I saw that in him, it just turned something on in my brain, and I was like, wait a minute. Are you telling me that we have power to change our lives the way that we think, the way that the six year old thinks, that he can actually change something so drastically and affect his result? It just blew my mind. And so I started following coaching and then eventually got coached and then became a coach. And one of the biggest things that I was so excited about was this issue that I had seen in so many family members and loved ones around me. It was kind of quiet. If you look back 30 years ago, 20 years ago, even ten years ago, people with *********** issues, when we would hear about them, we would just be, like, shocked and devastated and so scared. I remember so vividly talking to a church leader about a loved one, and I was so scared for this loved one. And the church leader, in all of his, well, meaningful guidance and love, just said, you know, it's a tough one. They never overcome this. It's pretty hopeless. And I remember my stomach just sank. But there has to be something else. You can't just tell me that they're just sunk. And so when I learned about coaching, it started clicking. What if all these people aren't sunk? What if there actually is an answer for them? And maybe some of the information that we've got is wrong and maybe we can retrain our brains and we can think in a different way that creates success with this. So I had four little boys at the time and one little girl when I started coaching. And I started focusing so much on how do I help them at this tender age when I know they're going to see ***********. 91% of kids by the time they're 16 have used ***********. So we're silly as parents to think not our kids, right?

[08:33] Sara: Gone are the days when we can protect them from it.

[08:36] Marie: You can have every filter, you can have all the restrictions, you can have a Gab phone, which there's some great things with that, but they are going to see ***********. Research shows that it's factual. So when I started realizing that I could give my kids tools and that I could help them avoid this 2030 years down the road. Then it really started me getting excited. And then as things happen, I started coaching people individually. And I'd be coaching these men and women and they would so shamefully tell me what I've really been struggling with is ***********. I said I was coming to you for marriage coaching or just general coaching in general. And really it would come down to *********** a lot of times. And so as I coached them, it was so humbling to see that so many of the things that they thought were not even real and we could change their thinking and retrain their brain to do something completely different than they'd ever done before. So it's a multileveled process with *********** because there's a lot of emotions that they've been escaping emotion for years. But then one of the things that's really, really big is the lack of understanding of human sexuality. And this is where it got really exciting for me, because I was working with people for a couple of years with ***********, just one on one, and we were seeing great success. And then it hit me. They kept asking me questions that I really wasn't equipped with. I'm over sexualized. I just have a really high sex drive, and I have some pretty perverse ways of thinking about things. And I realized that I was a little bit out of my league. And so my husband is a physician and he's a pain management doctor and anesthesiologist. And I would ask him after I'd worked with a client, I would say, hey, tell me about this. Like with human sexuality, how does this work? How does the body work? Like that? And so he would start giving me information, and I'm like, Wait a minute. They're not hypersexualized. They're not perverted. They were created as humans. We're all created to be sexual beings. And so I brought my husband on board, and he is such a foundational part of the education for my clients because for the first time, they have so much relief. They're like, oh, I'm not disgusting.

[10:55] Sara: There's nothing wrong with me.

[10:56] Marie: Yeah, there's nothing wrong with me. And even teenage girls and young elementary age kids, they're not getting the information. Like, you were created to be a sexual being. And we're kind of getting that in 2023. We're getting to that place a little bit where we can recognize that that's who we are, that we're created sexually. But I feel like finally, for the first time in my life, I'm taking back sexuality from the yucky, dirty *********** industry and putting it where it belongs, that humans are created as sexual beings and there is healthy sexuality there.

[11:37] Sara: Good.

[11:38] Marie: So the difference, I think, is that *********** is degrading. Sexuality is not degrading. We have so many people who go into shame with *********** that's the number one thing is shame.

[11:48] Sara: I was going to say is that the number one challenge that your clients face is the shame.

[11:52] Marie: The number one challenge is just the shame. They are so embarrassed. And a lot of them like, if my wife knew, if my mom we hear this a lot. If my mom knew, bless their hearts. I want to say, though, too, Sarah, that most of the people who want to stop looking at *********** are incredible husbands, incredible workers, incredible students. Whatever phase of life they're in, they're incredible. They're honestly some of the strongest men that I've ever known. And so to be able to work with them and help them see this from a totally different standpoint has been so gratifying.

[12:28] Sara: So how do you see this, particularly the shame around ***********? How do you see this affecting the relationships that matter most to your clients?

[12:39] Marie: Wow. So research shows there was this big research study a few years ago that showed that men this was just for men. They would rather admit to having an affair if they were married, cheating on either their girlfriend or their wife right. Than they would admit to *********** viewing.

[12:57] Sara: Why do you think that is?

[12:59] Marie: That's mind blowing to me, right? There's so much pain we have created in our society an awful you are awful. You are disgusting. You are dirty. And don't get me wrong when I say this. I am not talking at all about abuse of any kind. We don't work with if they have a fascination with children or using someone in any way, we get them to the right sources. That's definitely not what we're doing. We are working with healthy brains who want to stop looking, but all of them will come to us and say, I'm addicted, and this is so shameful.

[13:36] Sara: Okay, so that label addicted. Tell us more about that because that seems like it could be very detrimental.

[13:43] Marie: It's so detrimental because addicted, that is like back to that church leader, right? Like, you have got a label on you. You may as well just put it on your forehead. It's never coming off.

[13:54] Sara: And it takes away agency. Like it takes away their right to choose.

[13:57] Marie: You have no power. I have multiple stories from clients saying, well, I went to a counselor, I went to a church leader, I went to a parent. And they said, studies have shown that this is harder to quit than heroin. I don't know where those studies were. They're not true.

[14:14] Sara: Yeah.

[14:15] Marie: Not even real. But how damaging when you hear people say, that is the plague, you have the plague. Right. That's so hard. So there is just so much shame around it. So much shame, so much fear. And then you will have different I don't know what who do I want to say that you hear different leaders of different whether they're thought groups or religious groups or whatever, saying that it's going to lead you to you're going to murder somebody or abuse somebody or you're going to ruin your whole life. That's really scary way to live.

[14:53] Sara: And then we wonder why they're ashamed and don't want to tell anybody and they can't tell.

[14:57] Marie: Yeah, there's a story of a why.

[14:59] Sara: They'D rather admit that they're having an affair than even if they weren't, they'd.

[15:02] Marie: Rather just be like, oh, it's an affair, rather than just an affair with my computer. And I get that it's a very sensitive issue. And it's really hard for a spouse or a girlfriend because there is that physical component where they feel like they're being cheated on. And so there's some education for the spouse or whoever's in the relationship with this person because they really have to if they want to be a part of this habit change, then they have some work to do on their own brains.

[15:29] Sara: Can we talk about that for a second? Because I'm thinking of my listeners and of course I know that there's some that are like, I need Marie's help, and so we're going to talk about how they can get more help from you. But I'm also thinking of the spouse or the mother or the parent who's thinking like, so and so in my life that I care so much about, really needs this. They need to see that this is a problem.

[15:55] Marie: Yeah. And to that, again, it has to be from the person. And we all know if you're eating chocolate cake every day and somebody else tells you you need to stop eating chocolate cake, you're not going to stop eating chocolate cake until you decide that you want to stop eating chocolate cake. But I think that sometimes we'll say the spouse right. We'll say that it's a female espouse. And your husband needs to see you're thinking. He needs to see how tough this is. If you can approach him with, I'm not going anywhere. I'm here for you. I'm going to learn as much about what's going on for you as you are. I'm willing to go all in and I'm not leaving. So often they're like, if I don't get this figured out, she said she's leaving. The shame, fear, and then my whole life is ruined.

[16:43] Sara: Some tough, tough things like an ultimatum.

[16:46] Marie: Too yes.

[16:48] Sara: Which we want to give space for the partner who feels betrayed.

[16:52] Marie: Too absolutely. There's big betrayal that happens there. But there are also things that we can do with our brain retraining us right. To look at what is a fact here. Am I really being betrayed? And then set your boundaries. Of course. Set your boundaries and figure things out together. But this is probably a little bit silly that I use this example, but I ask spouses sometimes. So let's say that you have this online shopping habit you got going on, and sometimes the husband will be like, hey, we have to stop doing this. We don't have the money for this isn't healthy. Very seldom do you hear a husband it's like, I'm leaving you if you don't quit shopping at night.

[17:33] Sara: Right.

[17:34] Marie: But this is tricky because they're like, no, but this is another woman. So we invite spouses, learn as much as you can. And there are coaches who coach with that. In fact, that will be part of our program, where we will have a coach that specifically works with betrayal and.

[17:49] Sara: That there is a way. I just want to make sure that that spouse knows that there is a place and a space where you can be in where you actually don't make their *********** use mean anything about you.

[18:02] Marie: Absolutely. It isn't about you. And that's one of the things to recognize, too. I would say that 99.9% of the clients that we work with discovered *********** and started struggling with it years and years before they met. You were going to be with yeah. And so then we put it back on the moms, and then the mom's feel terrible. Right.

[18:23] Sara: I was going to say, what about the mom who's hearing this? What would you say to her?

[18:27] Marie: Yeah, so the mom, if you're my age and you have four, three adult sons, right, and one that's 15, then the work is for you too. To figure out, how do I train my brain to have a relationship with this son that maybe is struggling with this? And rather than beat yourself up and be miserable about it, to train yourself to see things the way they really are, to see the facts, to see this. This didn't have anything to do with you either.

[18:55] Sara: This is just one so good. I think that it is work so worth doing as a mother to separate yourself from your children's choices. For all the moms out there, that is work worth doing. And I think about the mom who maybe has little kids that are like five, six, seven years old, who's just like, how can I just get this to never be a problem in my kids lives? Yes, that might be the wrong question to ask. Tell me what you think about that.

[19:27] Marie: And I guess I'd say yes, it's the wrong question, but also the right question in some ways. And actually, you should probably get there's. Another coach, actually, my sister, and she is actually coaching moms on what to do, moms and dads, parents, how to create resistant, *********** resistant children. And if I could have had that as a child, that would have been amazing in so many aspects, not just ***********. Right. We've been raised by parents who are like, don't feel your feelings, don't think about things too much. And now we're shifting to where we're learning more about that. And so there are ways that parents today can say, oh, if I can teach my kids how not to escape emotion, how to understand what's going on in their brain, and to process emotion and release emotion, that's a big step in the right direction towards becoming resistant to *********** in the future. Because I don't know that I explained this earlier, but it's really important to recognize that *********** viewing is not about sex. It's always about an escape. Escape from your feelings, escape from whatever. Yes. Whether that was boredom. Some people, even when they get really.

[20:43] Sara: Excited, it can be a quote unquote positive emotion, right?

[20:47] Marie: Yes, from emotion.

[20:48] Sara: We do it with food too.

[20:50] Marie: Totally. We do it with food. And I invite the people in relationships with my clients who are viewing **** to just have some mercy and some grace towards the person who is struggling and wants to stop. How would you feel if we saw everything that you did, every piece of cake you ate, everything that you shopped when you didn't need it, every way that you escaped from emotion, if you were in the spotlight for it and everybody's watching, like, you're going to be in big trouble if you don't stop this. So what that does usually is help the client get in a safe space. If they can get in a safe space in their own head and in their own future, knowing that I'm safe here, I can change. Then we can totally work together to create new habits and to let go of the old habits. So right now, I think it's an important thing to point out we have multiple, multiple people just in my little realm of influence that have not had the desire for ****. So it's not just, we're going to help you how to stay away from ****. They lose the desire to look at ***********.

[21:56] Sara: So this isn't about you teaching them to resist it forever?

[22:00] Marie: No. In fact, I love this well, I hate this story, but I love this little story. I met a man just randomly one afternoon and he was asking me we had some downtime, I was purchasing something from the place he worked. And so we had some downtime, just sitting there, small talk. And I ended up telling him that I work with people who struggle with quitting ***********. And he just slammed his hand down onto the desk and said, where were you three years ago? And I kind of laughed and he said, no, 200 pounds ago, where were you? And he said, I went to get help for years with ***********. My wife had said, I'm leaving if you don't get help. He had struggled with *********** for over 30 years and he said, I haven't looked at it in several years, but I have gained over 200 pounds.

[22:43] Sara: Wow.

[22:45] Marie: And so yay for him for stopping ***********. But there's a better way. There's a way that we aren't just replacing what those emotions, right? The emotions that we feel, the negative emotions, we're not just going to a different outlet. And so it's exciting. There's so much excitement, really, when you look at it, that you can retrain your brain, you can think a different way. And along the way, you can create a healthy sexual life, the one that you want to have. There's no shame in that. And so some marriages right now that I'm seeing, they're flourishing with some of my clients more than they ever had before. Because they've got right information.

[23:24] Sara: Yes. They release the shame. They learned how to process their feelings instead of looking at **** or replacing it with something else. And then it just frees up so much space in your brain to connect with the people that you love.

[23:36] Marie: Yes, it really does. Another thing that is really exciting that when you let go of **** and viewing that and that burden, you actually can start creating the life that you want. So we see a lot of people taking up weightlifting or biking or hiking, and it's not because they're replacing it. They're like, I have a new life. I have a new lease on life. There is so much brain space taken up with shame where these poor individuals have spent so much time in just this. I'm living a double life. I'm living a double life.

[24:08] Sara: Yeah.

[24:09] Marie: That is not addiction. Addiction is you are all day, every day. You cannot have a job, you cannot have relationships, you can't do anything. That's addiction. These are habits that we're dealing with.

[24:21] Sara: No, I love that I once heard that distinction. If you can go without whatever it is you are telling yourself you're addicted to, if you can not view **** while you're at work, then you're not addicted. Or if you can think of people say that they're addicted to food.

[24:36] Marie: Right.

[24:36] Sara: Well, can you go like 4 hours without eating? Then you're not addicted.

[24:40] Marie: Yeah.

[24:42] Sara: So good. So do you have any more advice for someone who wants to stop looking at ****? Where would you have them start? Aside from, of course, hiring you, which you'll tell us how they can get in contact with you. But what's one first step that they can take?

[25:01] Marie: 1St 20 steps. I'm kidding. Okay, so first I would say is to start just noticing when you view ****, what happened just before.

[25:09] Sara: Okay.

[25:10] Marie: And you will start to notice you're escaping some emotion. There is something negative that happened that is causing you to view ****. Just that one little step really opens up your brain to be like, oh, this is a possibility that I'm just escaping.

[25:25] Sara: And it might be something like some kind of shame attack. But it also might just be like, I'm bored. Right?

[25:30] Marie: Totally. Yeah. It can be I'm bored, I'm frustrated. Something happened at work, something happened at home. Or just also like, it's this month. There's nothing much going on this month. Or I just got done. We find a lot of times that somebody gets home from vacation, you think that they're just on top of the world. Right. It was just an amazing experience. But then just that what I had to look forward to. Yeah. So just notice what happened before. I call it backwards. Dot to dot. We all remember when we were little kids, right? And we just dot to dot. If you dot to dot backwards, you will find that there's some emotion tied to this, and that's exciting. If there's emotion tied to it, we can work with emotion. You can work to do something different. Right. But if you're an addict, you really can't. But when you have a habit, you can change that.

[26:16] Sara: Oh, so good. So just with curiosity, pay attention to what was going on right before they started looking at ****. That's the first step.

[26:26] Marie: Okay.

[26:26] Sara: And how can they get a hold of you? They want to learn more.

[26:29] Marie: So I have just been coaching. We've just been doing one on one coaching, and we decided that I've only have so much time in my life and I can say the same thing over and over again to create that foundation right. The facts that they need about healthy sexuality and what's going on in their brain. So we just created a course that will give access to more people, and I don't have to keep saying the same thing over and over again. So you can find information about that. It's pornographyfreedom.com. And the course is called Freedom from ***********. And I'm really confident that that is what the future holds for upcoming generations to come. We all have cell phones now, right? It's everywhere around us. And we can either wring our hands and be like, oh, we are just in trouble. It's just everywhere. I think the more education that we get, the more understanding that we get of our emotions and our brains and healthy sexuality. In a couple of generations from now, they're going to be like, oh, remember that *********** thing? We got this.

[27:29] Sara: I love that. I love that.

[27:31] Marie: It's really hopeful.

[27:33] Sara: Yes. So hopeful and so just inspiring that this is not something that has to be a problem for you forever or for your loved ones forever. There really are solutions, and it's so much easier than what they're doing now, which is living in shame. What's the word? It's like helplessness, right? And hopelessness.

[27:58] Marie: Just hopeless and helpless and dark and just scared. There's just a lot of fear out there.

[28:02] Sara: Yeah. So pornographyfreedom.com is where they can yes.

[28:06] Marie: And I have to say that I just overcame a lot of fear, and I'm starting an Instagram page. For some reason, this is just so something I never wanted to do. So Mariepolter coaching.

[28:18] Sara: They can follow you there as well. Hey, go check Marie out. Thank you for being here, for educating my listeners so much on thank you.

[28:28] Marie: So much for letting be.

[28:31] Sara: Yes. I can tell it's like oozing from you. And it doesn't have to be something that is a burden for the rest of their life.

Detaching yourself from the actions of others will give you so much freedom. Learn how to do it in this episode.

Show Notes:

Ready to create rock solid relationships with the people that matter most to you, you are in the right place. My name is Sarah Payne, and I'm a master. Certified relationships coach. And each week, I teach you how to create the connection and love that you desire, because you know that the quality of your life is directly related to the quality of your relationships. I'm so glad you're here. Hey there. Welcome to the podcast. Today we're going to talk about detachment, and I learned about specifically about the law of detachment from one of my mentors, Deepak Chopra, and he has a book called Seven Spiritual Laws of Success. I highly recommend it, but that's kind of where I got the inspiration for this episode, and I think you're going to really enjoy it and be able to see how you can detach your feelings from other people's actions, which can be such a useful skill. I have to say that I've kind of hesitated to talk about this subject because I've never really liked the word detached, to be honest with you. Detached sounds like pushing away. It sounds like, why would I want to be detached from the people that I care about and the relationships that I care about most? But when you look at it and when I look at it with the lens of, no, I'm not detaching myself from people, I'm actually connecting more with people because I'm detaching myself from their decisions. And imagine how freeing that can be. Think of that person in your life who you are just, like, want them to be so different. Maybe your child is choosing to do drugs, or maybe your husband is looking at ***********, or maybe your boss is just making horrible decisions for the company that you work for. Whatever it is, when we can detach ourselves from their decisions and our feelings, from whether or not they do what we think is best for them and for us, then that is what can be so freeing. So I'm going to give you like I said, I learned this from Deepak Chopra, and I'm going to give you three ways to apply this law of detachment to your life. And the first one is very simple to talk about and not so simple to do, and that's to allow people and situations to be what they are. This means accepting people for who they are without trying to change them. And it means accepting situations as they are without trying to control them. So if we take a simple example of the weather, let's say you had plans to have a party outside, and it's raining, when you're unattached, when you detach yourself from the weather, you're not, like, shaking your fist at the rain, being like, why are you doing this to me? You shouldn't be raining today. When we think about it, it's kind of silly, but it's also like, we've all been there, right? We've all done that, but when we can just be like, yes, there's the rain. Now what? It doesn't mean that you have to love it. It doesn't mean that you have to be like, oh, my goodness, this is the best thing that's ever happened to us. You can if you want, but it just means that you like, I think the best way to demonstrate detachment is just the word. Yep, it's raining. Now what? Where do we want to go from here? So if we take the example of, let's say that one of your children is doing drugs that you found, like, pot in their bedroom, when you detach yourself from that action that they're taking, you don't have to like it, but it just sounds like, yep, this is what is right now. I found pot in my teenager's bedroom. Now what? And your brain is probably like, well, yeah, how do we get them to stop? How do we get them to stop? And just calm your like, let's just slow our roll for just a second. Just be like, okay, the facts right now are that I found weed in my teenager's bedroom. What do I want to do from here? For me, I would want to take a moment and feel all the feelings and allow myself to be angry and disappointed and sad and maybe afraid and just process through that. It's so easy for us when we're attached to what other people do to make that their actions mean something about us. So it would be so easy for our brains to be like, I must have done something wrong as a parent, or, how dare they? They don't respect me at all if they're doing this. And instead, if we can just zoom in on allowing ourselves to feel what we're feeling and work through those feelings. And I have many episodes on processing emotions that I highly recommend, if you're like, in the thick of this. And then from a different space, we can have access to the highest part of our brain that will allow us to problem solve if that's what we choose to do. But that's the first step. Like, just allowing people and situations to be as they are. Just like, yes, this is what is right now. The second way to apply the law of detachment is to embrace uncertainty. The main reason that we get attached to what other people do and circumstances outside of our control, how people act, what they say, the weather, situations, politics, all of that is because we are searching, we are grasping for certainty. And what's so interesting is that as long as we're looking for certainty outside of ourselves, we will always be chasing something that we cannot find. This means letting go of the need to know everything and to have everything figured out, and it means trusting that things are going to work out in the end, even if you don't know how. So it's not in becoming certain, but in embracing that, yes, life and people are uncertain. And then the third way to apply the law of detachment and to apply detachment in your life is to be open to all the possibilities. This means being willing, when you're ready and you discover that your child is smoking pot, to be willing to ask yourself, what good can come of this? In what way could this be happening for me instead of to me? This is challenging to do if you haven't processed your emotions about it first. So I highly recommend processing your emotions and processing the uncertainty. And once you do that, from a space of peace and openness and curiosity, you will be amazed at what ideas and wisdom come to you as you are willing to be open to all the possibilities. So let's take an example or two about how we can apply this detachment in our lives. Specifically, if we think about being open to all the possibilities. When you are open to all the possibilities and you discover that your child is smoking pot, you might think of something like, this is going to be an opportunity for me to love my child and to show my child that I support them and I love them regardless of what they do. I love this belief that I can preach until I'm blue in the face that I love my children unconditionally. But the rubber meets the road and I get to show them I love them unconditionally when they make choices that I don't agree with. And that is a beautiful thing. So if you have kids, allowing them to be who they are doesn't mean they're in consequences. It doesn't mean that you don't set boundaries and that you don't set consequences for when you discover that they are smoking pot. What it does mean is that you take the time to process through your emotions so that you can do that from love and you trust that they are on their own journey and that they're going to learn and grow in their own time. There is so much wisdom and so much peace when we actually truly believe that our kids are capable of learning and growing. This doesn't mean we throw them in the deep end when they can't swim. It doesn't mean that we don't give them tools. It doesn't mean that we don't discipline them or that we don't set consequences. It just means that we see them as strong and capable and able to figure things out and that we are going to support them from that space instead of from the space that they'll never figure it out on their own. They're too weak. One of the ways that I have found with my clients that they grasp for certainty and that they can never truly find it is in their relationship with their spouse. Like, will my husband always love me? And they search and search and search for clues that they're never going to be unfaithful or they're never going to want to get a divorce, or they're never going to fall out of love with them. And the reality is, most of us, when we are honest with ourselves, we realize that actually they could they could choose at any time to not be faithful. They could choose at any time to not be in love anymore. So there's no certainty there because it's based on someone else outside of us, their decisions and their feelings and their thoughts about us. But when we can, instead of searching for the certainty with them, the certainty comes in trusting ourselves. It sounds like this my husband is his own person, and he gets to make his own decisions and choose his own make his own choices. What I am going to be certain about is that I will love myself through all of it, that I know how to process difficult emotions, that I know how to support myself, that I know how to love myself. That I know how to forgive myself and that I know how to forgive him and that whatever happens, I'm going to be there for me. That is where you'll find the certainty in the trust in yourself, not in trying to make sure that he never makes choices that you then decide aren't good for you. So if you're going through a particularly difficult time, you can apply the law of detachment by trusting that things are going to work out, that you don't have to control a situation or force things to happen, that you can actually relax and let go of the outcome and hold to the trust in yourself. The law of detachment can be a powerful tool for creating a more peaceful and fulfilling life and for strengthening your relationships with the people that you love most. Because when we're constantly grasping for certainty, are my kids going to be okay? Are they going to make good choices? Is their life going to turn out okay? Then we become this version of ourselves, this mother that is not trusting and that is sometimes clingy or controlling, and that actually creates disconnection in our relationships, which is the opposite of what we're looking for. And it's the same way with our spouses. When you can embrace uncertainty and allow, just be in the space of trusting in yourself no matter what happens, that is where all of your peace lies. I remember I got to really practice this law when a few years ago when someone who was really close to me announced that they were getting a divorce and it was totally out of the blue. It was not like expected. I did not see it coming. It wasn't like, oh yeah, I kind of thought they weren't going to make it. It was like shocker of all shocks. And I remember in that moment and in the weeks following up, just really wrestling with a lot of things and really questioning, like, well, if it could happen to them, it could totally happen to me. And I watched my brain grapple with, no, it wouldn't. Like, Ryan and I have a rock solid marriage. We're good. We're good. It would never happen. But I could never actually get peace because I knew in my heart of hearts that he gets to make his own decisions, that I can't control my husband. And so when I was able to go down the path of actually it could happen to us, I don't think it will, but it could. And then what? How would I take care of myself in that situation? How would I take care of my family? How would I be there for myself and for those I love during all of those difficult emotions that allows me now, even now, years and years later, to just allow Ryan to be who he is and to not be constantly questioning his behaviors, looking for some kind of certainty that he's never going to want to not be married to me anymore. And then it also allows me to be as I embrace uncertainty and just trust in myself to be open to so many more possibilities. Because I'm not constantly worrying about the future, so I can be where I am in the present and make memories with him and the rest of my family and just enjoy who they are now and be so grateful for what our marriage is now, instead of being worried about what it could possibly turn into in the future. There's so much magic in that. If you want more magic like that in your life, my friends, my podcast listeners, then you can sign up for a consultation. Call with me and I will help you get started. And the best way to do that is to go to at sarah Payne coaching on instagram and sign up for a consultation. Call with me. Thanks for being here.

Learn how to stop people pleasing and create more connection with those you love.

We often confuse setting boundaries with getting people to do what we ask them to do, but they aren't the same. Learn some common pitfalls with setting boundaries and how to avoid them so you can create connection and love in your most important relationships.

Welcome to the Rock Solid Relationships podcast. I'm your host, master certified relationships coach Sarah Payne. And if you are ready to have a rock solid marriage and create connecting relationships with the people that matter most to you, then you are in the right place. You welcome back to the podcast. Today we are going to be talking about what you want, your desires, and how to get what you want. I've been as I've mentioned before in the podcast, I've been reading this book called The Magic, and the magic is a metaphor or it's another name for gratitude, I should say, and it's really just changed how I view gratitude so profoundly. I've seriously given this book away to so, like, if you know me in real life, I've probably given you this book. It has transformed me that much. But one of the things that the author, Rhonda Byrne has you do is to write down your top ten desires. And so we're going to talk about that today. We're going to talk about how to figure out what your desires are and then how to get what you want. All right? And so first thing, before you can get what you want with your desires, you have to know what they are. And so many of us, I remember feeling this way a few years ago before I found coaching. Like, we don't even know what we want. And if that's you, then that's okay, because it just means that you haven't tapped into that in a while. I'm sure when you were five, you knew exactly what you wanted. And I'm sure when you were 15, you probably knew what you wanted. And somewhere along the lines, you just learned to put your desires aside. And so we're going to tap into them again. So I'm going to ask you a couple of questions to consider if you're in that boat, if you're like, I don't even know what I want. The first step is the only response that is not acceptable is I don't know. All right? I don't know is always a lie, and it always means that it's like a defense mechanism. It's like a way to protect ourselves from failure, from disappointment. And so in order to bypass I don't know, you just remind your brain, oh, yeah, that's the only answer that we don't accept. And then you ask yourself, if I did know, what would I want? And just allow your brain to come up with some answers. I have found that the emotion of jealousy is very useful in figuring out what I want, because if I'm jealous of somebody, it means that they have something that I want, and I just think I can't get it. So maybe you're jealous of your sister's marriage and the kind of tenderness with which she and her husband speak to each other. Or maybe you are jealous of your friend who just got back from a European vacation. Both of those are a window into your desires. You desire tender communication with your husband, and you desire to travel, maybe by yourself, maybe with your family. But there you go. Jealousy will help you know what you want. So after you figure out what you want, you're going to want to write it down. But the key to that, you're going to write this down in a different way than you normally would. You're going to write it down as if you've already received this desire. So instead of saying, I want a trip to Europe, you'd say, thank you, thank you, thank you, universe or God or whatever it is you believe in for the wonderful trip to Europe. We made memories to last a lifetime. Okay, so you're going to write as if it has already happened. Neville Goddard talks about this living from the wish fulfilled. Okay, so I know it's a little bit different than you probably have done in the past, but just trust me on this one. You want to write as if it's already happened, and then you want to go a step further. You can write all of this if it's useful for you. It's always useful for me to write things down, but just go with what works for you. You want to really engage your five senses in what it will be like when you have what you want. So that might look like let's take the example of the European vacation. I imagine the breeze blowing in my hair as we walk down the cobblestone streets of Italy. And I imagine people speaking Italian everywhere. And I look at my husband and I just smile. And I'm looking at my children, and they all have a different flavor of gelato. And they are just like in awe of this place, of Italy, and of everything that they're seeing. And maybe they're even like teasing one another and joking with one another. And my husband, who has been to Italy, so let's say that this is one of my desires, is telling us stories about when he was in Italy as a missionary for our church when he was 19 years old. And I can smell the Italian food as we walk down the street, and I can taste the pasta and the pizza, and you just really put yourself in the place. And I see the beautiful cathedral that was built 1000 years ago, and I just can't believe that that was created by human hands. See how I'm getting very specific about that desire and about what it would be like to experience it? Now here's the other thing. With your like, you can desire whatever you want. So there's no moral code on desires. If you want to desire world peace, then I applaud you, and that's amazing. But if you want to desire like, a souped up Ford Bronco like I do, that's okay too. All right. So if you can let go of the morality around your desires, then this activity will be a lot more fun. It reminds me of Tangled when Rapunzel is, like, singing in that bar about how she wants to see the lanterns, and that's, like, her dream, I think it's called, like, I have a dream or something like that. And then they turn to flyn Ryder, and they're like, what's your dream? And he's like, I want to be rested and alone on an island that I own, surrounded by enormous piles of money. If that is your dream, that's awesome. All right, so drop any moral attachments or labels that you have on your dreams. And then after you imagine yourself living them and engage your senses so that you can really feel it, you will be able to see that your body and your brain don't actually know the difference between you imagining it and it actually happening. It's amazing. This is why planning a vacation is so fun for some people, because they imagine themselves on the beach in Hawaii, or they imagine themselves at the lake house in the mountains. When you can imagine yourself, it's as if you are already there. And then after you do that, I want you to consider who is the first person you will tell when you receive that desire. Like, imagine yourself telling them. How do you tell them, and what do you say? What's the first great thing you do when you receive the desire? Include as much detail as you can in your mind. All right, so if one of your dreams is to have a dream car, like, let's take my desire to have a souped up Ford Bronco. I, like, imagine myself driving down the freeway with my Ford Bronco, my green Ford Bronco. And I imagine my son sitting in the passenger side, and I tell him that he can't drive. And I'm joking with him, but then I pull over and I hand him the keys, and I imagine telling Ryan that he's not allowed to drive it, but then I let him drive, too. And I imagine pulling it into the garage at night, and I imagine how fun it will be to take it to some of the outdoor places that are close to where we live. So I'm just like, living as if and I write it down, like, thank you, thank you. Thank you for the souped up Ford Bronco that I bought with my own money. In my business, it's so fun to drive. I love it. I love to spend time with my family in it. I love to climb the mountains of Colorado in it. See how I'm just, like, already there in my mind. And you get to do this ten times, all right? So you get to do this with your top ten desires. And after you do that, watch it happen, my friends. Watch it happen. Now, I recently pulled up. I like to read this list every day. But truth be told, I kind of got out of the habit of it a little bit. So I pulled them up recently and I was like, oh my goodness, I have to make a new list because so many of these desires have come to pass. One of the desires that I wrote down was to have a close connection with all of my siblings and their spouses and their children. And so I imagined sitting around my mom's kitchen table having important and loving conversations with each of my siblings and their spouses. And I imagined my sister has a son who's little and five. And I got down on his level and I imagined me just loving on my nephew and just talking to him about things that matter to him and giving him a fist bump and just maybe handing him a treat. And I just pictured what that would feel like in my mind to do that. And then I even imagined my sister out of the corner of my eye, she's watching us, and she's just so full of love and gratitude that her sister loves her son so much. So see how I picture it in my mind so very clearly. So let's take these steps one more time, all right? First, you figure out what your desires are. And no desire is off limits. I don't imagine you want to desire that somebody dies or something like that. Maybe just that, right? You don't want to harm people, but there's no moral compass for your desire. So if you're a flyn rider, go be Flynn Rider and imagine enormous piles of money on an island that you own, all right? So choose your desires. Don't spend too much time. This is not a headstone. We are not etching this in like stone here, all right? You can change these desires, okay? So don't focus so much on getting the desires right that you don't do this activity. This should only take you like 30 minutes tops. And then after you choose them, write them down as if they have already happened. Live from the wish fulfilled, as Neville Goddard says. After you do that, imagine yourself living them. Like, take some time here. Engage your senses. Feel it. Imagine yourself on that European vacation. Imagine yourself with the kind of marriage that you truly want, all right? And what that would be like. And then once you do that, you watch it happen. And then when it does happen, when your desires do come to fruition, you get to cross them off your list and feel so much gratitude. And then pick a different one. Listen, this works. This totally works. So much so that I've had to create multiple lists because my desires, not all of them, some of them I am still working on and are the same desires that I had when I did this activity for the first time. But so many of them have come to pass and become my reality. And it's so fun to live in that gratitude and to live in that space where you have the desire before it's even realized. Go do this, and then let me know how it goes. And if you want to start working together, you can find me at Sarah Payne coaching, and you can sign up for a consultation call, and we can work together on fulfilling your deepest, truest, biggest desires. Can't wait to work with you.

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