Zhuge Liang delivers a heartfelt eulogy for a dearly departed friend, while Pang Tong shows how to advance your career by not doing your job.

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Welcome to the Romance of the Three Kingdoms Podcast. This is episode 70.

Last time, Zhou Yu, in another bid to take back Jing Province, had told Liu Bei and Zhuge Liang that he would lead the forces of Dongwu to go take the Riverlands to the west and trade that for Jing Province. All he asked from them was to come welcome his troops and give them some provisions when they passed through Jing Province on the way. His real intent, though, was to use that opportunity to kill Liu Bei and take Jing Province. But when Zhou Yu and his men arrived at the foot of Jing Province, they discovered that Zhuge Liang was not fooled for a second. The gates of the city were shut, and four detachments of Liu Bei’s troops were closing in, shouting that they were out to capture Zhou Yu alive.

This turn of events reaggravated Zhou Yu’s old arrow wound, and he let out a loud cry and fell off his horse. His men quickly scooped him up and hustled back to their ships and hightailed it out of there. Just then, to add insult to injury, word came through the ranks that Liu Bei and Zhuge Liang were sitting atop a hill up ahead, having a drink, and enjoying themselves immensely.

This made Zhou Yu gnash his teeth. “You think I can’t take the Riverlands?! I swear I will do just that!”

Just as he was seething, his men told him that Sun Quan’s younger brother Sun Yü (2) had arrived. Zhou Yu welcomed him in and told him what had transpired. Sun Yü (2) told him that he was there on Sun Quan’s orders to lend a hand. So they ordered their troops to press on ahead. But they had not gone far when word came that two of Liu Bei’s officers — Liu Feng (1) and Guan Ping (2) — had blockaded the river up ahead. This provided even more aggravation for Zhou Yu.

Just then, a messenger arrived bearing a letter from Zhuge Liang, which read:

 

“From Zhuge Liang, the director general of the Han and imperial corps commander, to Master Zhou Yu, chief commander of Dongwu: Since our parting at Chaisang (2,1), I have missed you immensely. I heard that you intend to conquer the Riverlands, but in my poor opinion, you must not attempt this. The people of Yi (4) Province are sturdy, and its terrain treacherous. Even though Liu Zhang (1) is feeble, he has enough to defend himself. Now your army has embarked on a long campaign, and it will face many uncertainties before securing total victory. Even the greatest military strategists of old would not be able to guarantee the outcome. After his defeat at Red Cliff, how can Cao Cao have ever given up thoughts of revenge? With you going off on a distant campaign, if Cao Cao takes this opportunity to attack, the Southlands would be reduced to dust! I cannot bear to sit by and watch, so I have written you this note, which I hope you will favor with your attention.”

 

When Zhou Yu finished reading the letter, he let out a long sigh and told his men to fetch brush and ink so he could write a letter to Sun Quan. The letter written, he assembled his officers and told them, “It’s not that I don’t want to do everything I can to repay our state, but my time on earth ends here. You all must serve our lord well and accomplish our grand enterprise.”

Zhou Yu devises yet again scheme to take Jing Province, because he’s a glutton for punishment.

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Welcome to the Romance of the Three Kingdoms Podcast. This is episode 69.

Last time, we left off with Cao Cao celebrating the completion of construction on his pleasure palace, the Bronze Bird Tower, by throwing a huge party. At this party, he held an archery competition among his officers, with the winner taking home a fancy battle cloak. A bunch of his generals showed off their skills, but one, Xu Huang, appeared to have won the cloak by shooting the branch from which the cloak hanged.

Cao Cao was just about ready to declare Xu Huang the winner, and Xu Huang assumed as much because he had already grabbed the cloak. But just then, another general, Xu (2) Chu (3), rode forward and yelled, “Where are you going with that cloak?! Leave it for me, now!”

“The cloak is mine; why are you trying to take it by force?!” Xu Huang asked.

Xu Chu didn’t even bother to answer. He just galloped toward Xu Huang and tried to wrestle the cloak away, forgetting the whole concept of an archery competition, where you actually have to, you know, shoot an arrow and hit something before you can claim the prize.

When the two got close enough, Xu Huang raised his bow and tried to hit Xu Chu, but Xu Chu grabbed the bow with one hand and pulled Xu Huang from his saddle. Xu Huang quickly let go of the bow and leaped off his horse. Xu Chu did likewise, and the two of them started to engage in some good ol’ fashioned fisticuffs. Cao Cao quickly told his men to separate the two, but by then, the cloak had already been torn to smithereens. So, way to go, guys.

Cao Cao summoned both generals to the upper tier of the tower where he sat. Both of them were looking royally pissed off at each other and were itching to go at it again. Cao Cao, however, smiled and said, “My aim in holding the contest was to witness your prowess. What is a mere cloak worth?”

So he summoned all of his officers up to the tower and bestowed upon each of them a bolt of fine silk from the Riverlands, a region known for its silk. The music and merrymaking then kicked off as military and civil officials took turns offering toasts.

 

Cao Cao now said to the civil officials, “The military officers have showed off their skills through their riding and archery. You gentlemen are all learned scholars. Since you are all gathered here, why don’t you each write a piece to commemorate this occasion?”

So all the civil officials fetched ink and brush and each composed an essay on the spot. This kind of impromptu essay-writing was the kind of thing that Chinese scholarship and imperial entrance exams were made of, so these guys were in their element. Soon, Cao Cao was presented with one essay after another, most of which praised his accomplishments and virtue to the hilt and hinted that he should maybe, you know, accept the mandate of heaven and take the throne for himself.

After reading all the essays, Cao Cao smiled and said, “Sirs, you heap too much praise upon me. I am but a simple and crude man. When I began my career, I was cited for my filial devotion and integrity. Then, when chaos engulfed the realm, I built a retreat about 15 miles east of the fief at Qiao (2), with the intention of spending my springs and summers reading and my falls and winters hunting,

Liu Bei and his new wife try to flee from the murderously angry clutches of Sun Quan and Zhou Yu.

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Welcome to the Romance of the Three Kingdoms Podcast. This is episode 68.

Last time, Liu Bei and his new wife, Lady Sun, decided to try to flee back to Jing Province. So on New Year’s Day, they slipped out of the city of Nanxu (2,2) while Sun Quan was busy partying with his officials.

It turned out that the party was a good time to run away, because Sun Quan got really hammered and passed out drunk in his private quarters. After the party broke up, some of the officials got word that Liu Bei and Sun Quan’s sister had fled. By now, it was starting to get dark. These officials wanted to tell Sun Quan right away, but he was passed out and no one could wake him, and you weren’t gonna grab the lord of the Southlands by the shoulders and shake him from his drunken stupor. So they let him sleep, and it wasn’t until 7 o’clock the next morning that he woke up.

When Sun Quan finally heard that Liu Bei and Lady Sun had left, he quickly assembled his staff.

“If he gets away, it will cause trouble sooner or later,” his adviser Zhang Zhao said. “We must chase him down.”

 

So Sun Quan ordered two officers, Chen (2) Wu (3) and Pan (1) Zhang (1), to lead 500 crack troops and go bring back Liu Bei. After the two officers set out, though, Sun Quan was still seething over Liu Bei’s departure, so much so that he grabbed the jade inkstone on his desk and hurled it to the ground, smashing it into a million pieces.

“My lord,” the veteran general Cheng Pu said, “even though your rage may shake the heavens, I don’t think Cheng Wu and Pan Zhang will be able to catch Liu Bei.”

“They would not dare to disobey me!” Sun Quan said.

“Your lordship’s sister has had a fascination with martial arts all her life,” Cheng Pu explained. “She is severe, resolute, firm, and forthright, so much so that all the officers are wary of her. If she has left with Liu Bei, then she must have gone willingly. When the two officers catch up to them and are confronted by her, how can they move against her?”

When Sun Quan heard this, he became even angrier. He gave his sword to two other officers, Jiang (3) Qin (1) and Zhou (1) Tai (4), and told them, “Use this sword to bring back the heads of my sister and Liu Bei. If anyone disobeys, execute them at once!” So Jiang (3) Qin (1) and Zhou Tai (4) led 1,000 soldiers and went on their way.

As for Liu Bei and company, they were moving at double time, stopping only twice to rest over the course of the night. As they were approaching the borders of the city of Chaisang (2,1), they saw a huge dust cloud behind them in the distance, accompanied by word from the soldiers in the back that they were being chased.

“What should we do?” Liu Bei asked his general Zhao Yun.

“My lord, you go on ahead. I will fend them off,” Zhao Yun told him.

So Liu Bei hurried on ahead, but as soon as he went around a hill, he saw a squad of soldiers blocking the path up ahead. The two generals at the head of this roadblock shouted sternly, “Liu Bei, dismount and surrender now! We have been waiting for you on Commander Zhou’s orders!”

So as it turns out, Zhou Yu, who, if you’d remember, was recuperating from his injuries in Chaisang at the time, figured that Liu Bei might try to make a run for it.

Sun Quan and Liu Bei are now brothers-in-law as the fake wedding becomes real.

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Welcome to the Romance of the Three Kingdoms Podcast. This is episode 67.

Last time, Zhou Yu and Sun Quan had concocted a scheme to get Jing Province back. They heard that Liu Bei’s wife had just died, so they sent him a marriage proposal, offering him Sun Quan’s younger sister. It was plainly obvious to everyone that this was a trap, and that as soon as Liu Bei showed up in the Southlands for his wedding, he was going to be taken hostage and ransomed for Jing Province. In spite of this, Zhuge Liang told him he should go. So despite his reservations, Liu Bei, accompanied by the general Zhao Yun, 500 soldiers, and three silk pouches containing strategies from Zhuge Liang, went to the city of Nanxu (2,2) to meet Sun Quan.

But when they got there, instead of directly going to see Sun Quan, they first paid State Elder Qiao (2) a visit and told HIM about the pending nuptials. State Elder Qiao then went to congratulate Madame Wu, mother of the bride. Except she knew nothing about this, since Sun Quan concocted this whole scheme without telling her, figuring there was no need since the marriage proposal was just a sham anyway.

So you can imagine Madame Wu’s reaction. She sent someone to fetch Sun Quan. At the same time, she also sent some servants out into the city to see if the gossip on the streets confirmed what she had been told.

Soon, the servants returned from the streets and said, “It’s true. Your future son-in-law is already resting at the guest house. His 500 soldiers are purchasing pigs, goats, and fruits in the city, making preparations for the wedding. The matchmakers are Lü Fan on the bride’s side, and Liu Bei’s adviser Sun Qian on the groom’s side. They are welcoming Liu Bei at the guest house right now.”

 

Madame Wu was startled. Momentarily, Sun Quan came in to see her. As soon as she saw him, she beat her chest and wept loudly.

“Mother, what is troubling you?” an alarmed Sun Quan asked.

“I must be nothing to you! When my sister was dying, what did she tell you?!”

And in case you forgot, Madame Wu’s sister was Sun Quan’s real mother. Both of women married Sun Quan’s father, and when Sun Quan’s mom was dying, she told him to treat her sister, our current Madame Wu, as if she were his mother.

“Mother, if something is bothering you, tell me what it is. There is no need for this!” a stunned Sun Quan said.

“When sons and daughters are grown, it is only right that they should marry. Thus has been the norm since antiquity. But I am your mother, so matters of marriage should be decided by me. Why did you not tell me that you offered your sister’s hand in marriage to Liu Bei? She is MY daugher!”

“Wh … where did you get that idea?”

“If you don’t want something to be known, don’t do it. Every civilian in this city knows about this. Except me!”

And now, State Elder Qiao chimed in and piled on. “I have known about it for days, and I came to offer my congratulations to the queen mother.”

 

Busted like a little kid who just got caught doing something bad, Sun Quan had no choice but to come clean.

“You’re mistaken,” he told his mom. “This is Zhou Yu’s scheme to get Jing Province. We are using the marriage as bait to lure Liu Bei here, hold him hostage,

ROTK goes in search of higher TV ratings: Several role players get killed off, and we have a surprise marriage proposal.

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Welcome to the Romance of the Three Kingdoms Podcast. This is episode 66.

Last time, we left off with Sun Quan and the Dongwu forces bogged down outside the key city of Hefei (2,2), which was being defended by three of Cao Cao’s veteran generals — Zhang Liao, Li Dian, and Yue (4) Jin (4). Sun Quan had just lost a battle, and one of his bodyguards was killed in the fighting, which made him very sad.

After Sun Quan returned to camp following his defeat, one of his top generals, Taishi Ci, came to see him with a plan.

“One of my soldiers, a man named Ge (1) Ding (4), has a sworn brother who is a stablehand for Zhang Liao,” Taishi Ci said. “The stablehand was admonished by Zhang Liao and is holding a grudge, so he sent word to us tonight that he’s willing to start a fire in the city and assassinate Zhang Liao. I would like to lead some troops to back him up.”

“Where is Ge (1) Ding (4) now?” Sun Quan asked.

“He has already sneaked into the city,” Taishi Ci answered. “I would like to take 5,000 soldiers on this mission.”

However, one of Sun Quan’s advisers, Zhuge Jin (3), advised caution. “Zhang Liao is crafty. He might be prepared. We must not act rashly,” he said.

However, Taishi Ci insisted on going, and Sun Quan, lusting after some revenge for his dead bodyguard, signed off on the mission, so Taishi Ci took 5,000 men and waited for the fire from inside the city.

 

As for his inside men, Taishi Ci’s soldier, Ge (1) Ding (4), had sneaked into the city with Zhang Liao’s troops after that day’s battle. He found his sworn brother, the stablehand, and hashed out the plan.

“I have already sent word to General Taishi Ci, and he will bring backup tonight,” Ge Ding said. “How do you intend to proceed?”

“The stable is relatively far from the center of the army,” the stablehand replied. “I’ll set the horse feed on fire. You go out and start yelling that the troops inside the city are rebelling, and I will assassinate Zhang Liao in the chaos. Once he’s dead, the rest of the troops will flee.”

And so it was settled. That night, Zhang Liao returned to the city fresh off his victory and rewarded the troops, but he also ordered that they must sleep in their armor.

“We just won a battle today, and the enemy has fallen back a good distance. Why do you not allow the men to remove their armor and rest?” his staff asked.

“A commander must be neither too happy about victories nor too concerned about defeats,” Zhang Liao said. “What if Dongwu tries a sneak attack while our guard is down? We must be even more careful tonight than usual.”

 

Well, turns out he was right. Zhang Liao had barely finished speaking when a fire broke out in the rear of his camp, accompanied by cries of rebellion. Urgent reports streamed in, one after another. Zhang Liao quickly mounted his horse, summoned a dozen or so officers to accompany him, and stood on the main street.

“The situation sounds dire! We must go investigate!” his men said.

“It’s impossible that the entire city would be rebelling,” Zhang Liao said. “This is just the rebels trying to startle our soldiers. If anyone panics, execute them at once!”

Momentarily, the general Li Dian arrived with the two conspirators i...