Romantipedia®

We will continue the audio instruction on the final step seven of the three (7,8,9) in the third and final phase of courtship—Intellectual Attraction. And how Romantic Dynamics® works in the beginning of phase three. We will then cover each of the remaining two steps of courtship in their own audios.

Thanks for reading Romantipedia™! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

In this seventh lesson, and each of the final two thereafter, I will list the notes I’ve used to give speeches to my classes on these steps, so I will use those as we go along.

I wanted you to have them here so that you can see what I’m addressing in the audio.

An Overview of Romantic Dynamics®:

The Nine Steps of Courtship

▪ Step 7 - Who I Am - Mature Character

▪ Introduction

▪ “Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” - Albert Einstein

▪ THE STEPS OF INTELLECTUAL ATTRACTION

▪ In this program, we will divide this process of committed partnership, of Intellectual Attraction, into three large “steps” that couples naturally navigate their way through. And in the end, they will find themselves sure, not just of their sexual attraction or the friendship bond they share, but their ability to solve life’s problems as a team and the reason that they conduct themselves as mature partners together, not just in mutual desire or happiness, but in mutual success:

▪ 7. Who I Am: Mature Character

▪ 8. Who We Are: Character Compatibility

▪ 9. Where We Are Going: Achieving Life’s Goals Together

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit romantipedia.substack.com/subscribe

We will continue the audio instruction on the final step six the three (4, 5, 6) in the second phase of courtship—Emotional Attraction. And how Romantic Dynamics® works in the completion of phase two. We will then cover each of the remaining three steps of courtship in their own audios.

Thanks for reading Romantipedia™! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

In this sixth lesson, and each one thereafter, I will list the notes I’ve used to give speeches to my classes on these steps, so I will use those as we go along.

I wanted you to have them here so that you can see what I’m addressing in the audio.

An Overview of Romantic Dynamics®:

The Nine Steps of Courtship

Step 6 - Finding Completion in Each Other

▪ "Getting Real" With Each Other

▪ A Midsummer Night’s Dream explores the mysterious nature of love and its existence on the border between fantasy and reality. It is Shakespeare’s way of showing how fragile it is for us and confusing for us all. Yet it is my hope to show you that even this most terrible confusion about love cannot hold power over you anymore, armed with this knowledge. 

▪ Love in the Time of Cholera explores the tragic nature of love and time, which brings age and their existence on the border between fantasy and reality. It is Garcia Marquez’s way of showing us how fragile we are when faced with the passing of time, and the fickleness of love, the seeming impossibility of “getting it right, the first time.”

▪ You do not need to worry about things like “age” or “getting it right” with the other gender when you understand the nature of love and personality styles. When you get what we learn in this third and final step of emotional attraction, you reach “soulmate” status with a potential mate, and things start happening automatically in the “right way” with the “right timing.”

▪ The Spectrum of Friendship

▪ From Acquaintances to Best Friends

▪ From basic development of character to advanced, mature character

▪ From low intimacy and independence to high intimacy and interdependence

▪ From non-serious and low commitment or duty to highly serious and high commitment

▪ From pleasurable and pleasant to the addition of being efficient and successful

▪ From two singles of high compatibility to two highly compatible people who are working as one

▪ From discovering new things about each other to discovering what's possible in working together.

▪ Personality Vs. Character

▪ Personality is more like "style," while character is more like an "amount of maturity"

▪ Personality is "emotional" and "intellectual", while character is more about the intellectual aspects called "executive function"

▪ Personality has a more emotional "mammalian brain" to it, and character has more "higher brain" to it

▪ Compatibility of personality has more to do with connecting to one's opposite style, while character has more to do with connecting to people of similar maturity levels.

▪ "Opposites attract" pertains to personality, while "Like attracts Like" and "Birds of a feather, flock together" has more to do with character traits.

▪ The more different you are in style of emotion and intellect, the more compatible you are, and the more similar you are in character maturity, the more compatible you are, where high character individuals can tend to get along with anyone or befriend anyone.

▪ The Four Personality Styles

▪ Kings/Queens - Let brained and nurturing in well-being

▪ Lovers - Right-brained and nurturing, in terms of well-being

▪ Warriors - Left-brained and outgoing or confident

▪ Magicians - Right-brained and action-oriented people

▪ Phlegmatic - (dominated by Phlegm) was to him, one in which the person is rational, quiet, slow, and consistent, or even predictable in behavior, like a teacher or administrator, common in wise, rational Kings or Queens of Shakespeare’s time. This would likely be an “Earth-based” temperament if we had to correlate with Hippocrates.

▪ Choleric - (dominated by Bile) was one in which the person is energetic, full of passion and fire, someone who works hard, and does not shy away from conflict, perfect in a soldier to guard the kingdom or a Warrior. If we had to make this a Hippocratic correlation, the person would be a “Fire-based” temperament.

▪ Sanguine - (dominated by Blood) was one in which the person is optimistic, cheerful, and confident, the “master of ceremonies,” with the ability to make magic happen, like a Magician of the stories of Shakespeare’s time. Imagine someone like the magician Merlin to King Arthur. Hippocratically, an “Air-based” temperament.

▪ Melancholic - (literally, Black Bile) is one in which the person is depressed or sad, fearful, yet artistic, like a poet. This is perhaps the temperament most in need of and expressive of love. A poet or Lover saw in Shakespeare’s time if not Shakespeare himself - the “artistic temperament.” In terms of Hippocrates’ four elements, a “Water-based” temperament.

▪ The Spectrum of Personality

▪ Intellectual - Left-brain Vs. Right-brain

▪ Emotional - mother vs. father or nurturing vs. action-taking, maternal vs. paternal, or well-being vs. confidence

▪ Crossed spectra - gives you coordinates, and places or zones where particular behavior occurs, including the traits of the main personalities

▪ King (phlegmatic) - is left-brained and maternal

▪ Warrior (choleric) - is left-brained and paternal

▪ Magician (sanguine) - is right-brained and paternal

▪ Lover (melancholic) - is right-brained and maternal

▪ Obsessive is far left with little emotion

▪ Psychotic or disorganized is far right with little emotion

▪ Completely depressive is top with little intellect

▪ Completely aggressive is bottom with little intellect

▪ Temperament and growing a personality through life

▪ Temperament is what we start with

▪ Personality is what we grow

▪ Personality and character may come into alignment, where we have access to more of the four personalities

▪ Matchmaking and compatibility of personality

▪ Opposites attract - Kings/Queens with Magicians and Lovers with Warriors

▪ Sometimes you get a better intellectual match - Kings with Lovers and Warriors with Magicians

▪ Sometimes you get a better emotional match, which is more durable for romance - Kings with Warriors and Lovers with Magicians

▪ But they all have their challenges when a partial match

▪ When it is a King with a King, Lover with a Lover, Warrior with a Warrior, or Magician with a Magician, it is bad, competitive, nothing to offer each other

▪ Romeo and Juliet and the Macbeths

▪ When you are too similar

▪ There is competitiveness

▪ There is using each other

▪ Getting bored - nothing to offer each other

▪ Codependence - all early relationships and first BFs and GFs start this way due to common interests attracting to an environment

▪ Someone ends up winning and someone losing, which kills the sexual attraction too

▪ Challenges of Kings and Queens - arguing about being right

▪ Challenges of Lovers - mutual fear and loathing of each other

▪ Challenges of Warriors - fighting, destruction

▪ Challenges of Magicians - substance abuse and not paying the bills

▪ pathological narcissism and boundaries in personality

▪ True Self, False Self, Ideal Self and

▪ The three types of boundary configuration in the three phases

▪ Sexual attraction boundaries

▪ Emotional attraction to friend boundaries

▪ Intellectual attraction commitment partner boundaries

▪ From Aristotle to the Altar

▪ The definition of friendship

▪ The definition of soulmates or best friends

▪ Transitioning to commitment and marriage

▪ How to be imperfect and make up the difference

▪ How intellectual attraction will be different from an emotional attraction

▪ How it will need character maturity on top of personality

Thanks for reading Romantipedia™! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit romantipedia.substack.com/subscribe

Thanks for reading Romantipedia™! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

We continue the audio instruction, this time on step five - the middle step of the three (4,5, and 6) in the second phase of courtship—Emotional Attraction. And how Romantic Dynamics® works in the middle of phase two. We will then cover each of the remaining four steps of courtship in their audios.

In this fifth lesson, and each one thereafter, I will list the notes I’ve used to give speeches to my classes on these steps, so I will use those as we go along.

I wanted you to have them here so that you can see what I’m addressing in the audio.

An Overview of Romantic Dynamics®:

The Nine Steps of Courtship

▪ Step 5 - Finding Stress in Each Other, with the Anger and Anxiety Maps

▪ What we learned about the unconscious mind (the “reptilian brain”), masculinity, femininity, and passions through the drama of the Greek myths, we can learn about the emotions – jealousy, revenge, fear, worry, regret and a full spectrum of others – through the drama of Shakespeare.  

▪ For a potential lasting couple to navigate friendship and love together in this, the Act Two of our love story called human courtship, we must master the two prime negative emotions – anger and fear – or risk our friendship's failure, and therefore our romance.  

▪ The Effect of Stress on Friendship and Love

▪ The Problem of Negative Emotions

▪ Negative emotions violate the 4th part of the definition of friendship or love - the most important part

▪ This means that depression and anxiety will kill your friendship or love

▪ You will have to defeat these in yourself, and to a degree, as a teammate to others to have friendship and love

▪ If you remember that energy is neither created, nor destroyed, then you will find that there is both "hidden treasure" in stress, and the only safety, security, and an "escape route" to tunnel into the capitalization of your stress

▪ If you look at this in a dramatic light - it is also the "Hero's Journey" - frustration and or boredom, leading to an adventure, which leads to danger, and a character flaw, which if mastered, leads to a TREASURE, but from there, one needs to find their way back out to the "land of the living" and to give a "boon to society."

▪ That's the Hero's Journey and personal growth itself.

▪ All, available through the effect of stress on your friendships and love.

▪ The Spectrum of Stress and Negative Emotions

▪ Stress = Hurt + Loss

▪ If they get into your boundary, they transform

▪ They deplete your Self Esteem, which = Well-being + Confidence

▪ Which results in Anger + Anxiety

▪ However, these are also on a spectrum

▪ And every negative emotion you have (as well as every stress that you encounter), can be described as a certain amount of ANGER and a certain amount of ANXIETY

▪ Percentage + Percentage, whichever final word you use to describe them, the stresses and negative emotions which kill friendship and love are a certain amount of both.

▪ Which means that all you need to do is master the two ends of the spectrum

▪ And which leads to mastering every stress or negative emotion in between

▪ Stress, Negative Emotions, and Boundaries

▪ You can start as a positive person, but through expectable weaknesses in your boundary, you can end up a negative person if you are with a negative person

▪ This explains how "you are who you associate with"

▪ However, you can also both start out as positive people, but outside stress, if overwhelming enough, can lead you both to being negative people

▪ Or, you can both start out as positive people, but over time, even without stress, you can find that you have nothing new to offer each other, and become bored, starving for well-being or fearful and unconfident

▪ The latter will also bridge us to Step 6 of courtship, Finding Completion in Each Other, which is also best friendship

▪ When we become friends, we also abut our personal boundaries for the first time, and as friendship and love evolve into more commitment and partnership (paralleling our character), this also leads to being a liability to each other in terms of boundaries that are shared by the growing "relationship" itself, which is an area of "shared psychological space"

▪ The shared area of boundaries essentially doubles our resources invested but also results in exposure to and liability caused by any imperfections and "holes" in the other person's boundary

▪ Turning Stress Into Positives and Growth

▪ The definition of friendship = mutual, shared, positive emotion, can see us working on all four, and thereby raising maturity level and character as we go along.

▪ The result of just being in such a relationship and also rising to the occasion to be fit for such a friendship or relationship needs us to grow enough to qualify for this

▪ Romantic growth and progress IS psychological growth and "spiritual growth"

▪ Hurt = loss of Well-being = anger = depression, can be "metabolized" into getting needs met and well-being by way of Assertiveness ("if all you have is lemons, make lemonade")

▪ Loss = depletion of Confidence = anxiety = addiction = masochism, can be "metabolized" into facing fears and gaining confidence back by way of Courage ("what doesn't kill us makes us stronger")

▪ We can also just outright lend each other Well-being or Confidence to raise the overall Self Esteem in the other, but this is only sustainable by opposite personality styles seen in Best Friendship, as in the next lesson, on Step 6: Finding Completion in Each Other

The Treasure Map of Anger

▪ We are told that the people we are most jealous of are the ones we must most imitate. Without this, we don't know our needs, and if one is depressed but doesn't know their needs, what can we spend our efforts of assertiveness on, even?

▪ Our own neediness or hunger is also a treasure to be found through assertiveness.

▪ The cause of Anger is either the stress of HURT or the lack of resources, UNMET NEEDS

▪ These two come together to make ANGER. Although the stress of HURT on the outside is what needs to be blocked by a solid boundary.

▪ NEEDS are then what we must focus most on, here.

▪ Once angry, there are only THREE THINGS WE EVER DO WITH IT:

▪ DEPRESSION

▪ AGGRESSION = getting your needs met BY HURTING OTHERS.

▪ ASSERTIVENESS = getting your own needs met without hurting others.

▪ Every time you do Assertiveness, you get Well-being as a reward, which is the TREASURE of the Anger Map, and is half of Self Esteem

▪ It is like "making lemonade out of lemons, if that is all you have."The Rescue Map of Anxiety

The Rescue Map of Anxiety

▪ We are told that the people and situations we fear most are the ones we must face. Eleanor Roosevelt said, "You must do the thing you know you cannot."

▪ Without this, we don't know our fears, and if one is anxious but doesn't know their fears, what can we spend our courage on, even?

▪ Our own fear or threats to us are, then, also the very pathway out to be found through courage. The origin of the advice is, "The only way out is THROUGH."

▪ The cause of Anxiety is either the stress of LOSS, or the lack of confidence, COMFORT WITH UNCERTAINTY, RISK, CHANGE, OR LOSS.

▪ These two - "loss" and "lack of confidence" - come together to create ANXIETY. However, a solid boundary must block the stress and threat of LOSS on the outside.

▪ FEARS are then what we must focus most on here.

▪ Once anxious, there are only THREE THINGS WE EVER DO WITH IT:

▪ ADDICTION/AVOIDANCE

▪ MASOCHISM ("VICTIM THINKING") = getting over your fears is met BY STEALING FROM OTHERS or DUMPING WORRIES ON THEM.

▪ COURAGE = doing the right thing, no matter how bad it feels

▪ Every time you do Courage, you get Confidence as a reward, which is the RESCUE ROUTE of the Anxiety Map, and is half of Self Esteem

▪ It is like "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

▪ From Mastery of Stress to Best Friendship

▪ As you master the two maps, you do personal growth toward higher character and maturity

▪ You march through the four qualities consistent, mutual, shared positive emotion

▪ Your friendship or love becomes more enriched, and partnered (shared, in that intimacy of shared boundary forms, with shared resources)

▪ You go from just 'liking" with its reciprocal altruism and commonalities to actual teamwork and mutual handling of stress

▪ You find that when one person is better at well-being and the other better at confidence, you balance each other better and cause more true mutual support

▪ You find that it is less stressful to be together than apart.

▪ You find TREASURE, but can also MINE it and RETURN WITH IT to "the land of the living."

▪ You are generous with it

▪ Couples usually encounter anger problems and resource problems first, and then anxiety and outside threats to the relationship.

▪ Navigating these is a threat to the relationship but are also the "arrows of Hercules" - the threat that the band would be no longer.

Thanks for reading Romantipedia™! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit romantipedia.substack.com/subscribe

Friendship

▪ Consistent

▪ Relates to the quality of personal boundaries

▪ is a fit for committed and lasting relationships, planning (for success), loyalty, and all the other personal boundary aspects

▪ Forms a foundation on which a story can be built - like the theme of a story

▪ An island of safety to return to

▪ Mutual

▪ Mutual means "fair" - win/win, not win/lose

▪ It is part of what fails when there is narcissism or dependency

▪ It is what fails when there is a mismatch of maturity, the requirement for both quality friendship and lasting partnership

▪ Balance, which is also "health" as far as emotions go

▪ Evolutionarily advantageous, Reciprocal Altruism

▪ Shared

▪ Means "in person" and forms the basis for making a team for two and testing that.

▪ We are wired for in-person socializing and romance, not email, texts, or tweets.

▪ also lends ownership

▪ also prevents projection and other immature ego defenses that we see operating when people communicate electronically

▪ Positive Emotion

▪ Not the Emo Club, which is based on negativity and is weak

▪ Is synonymous with happiness, value, and self-esteem

▪ Note the difference between good sex and happiness or between success and happiness

▪ They can co-occur but do not naturally lead to each other, except in the case of Csikshentimihalyi's FLOW STATE, caused by balance and alignment of the cognitive, emotional and passion-based

▪ Means that depressed and anxious people are not good friends while in the throes of their problem

▪ Value and Investment

▪ Value = Happiness

▪ Value = happiness, but value = worth of something

▪ Is dynamic and changing

▪ Can have a "drain" or "siphon" on it, but also a "feeder"

▪ For example, one's circle of friends outside the romance

▪ Or the well-being that comes from income to a degree

▪ Family

▪ What Goes In Must Come Out

▪ the second law of thermodynamics - that energy is neither created nor destroyed

▪ if you are a taker, the chickens will come home to roost someday

▪ Like a credit card

▪ Beliefs

▪ composed of ideas with emotion

▪ and so values are a part of beliefs in that they are an emotional valence

▪ tabletop model, with

▪ idea

▪ evidence

▪ emotional glue

▪ sense of reality and what is real

▪ Optimizing Investment

▪ Consider what people consider a 'bargain"

▪ Vs. what people consider a "ripoff"

▪ How many relationships have you been in that were a bargain?

▪ How many were ripoffs?

▪ The former had positive emotions and value

▪ The latter drained your positive emotion and value

▪ Self-esteem

▪ Positive Emotional Energy

▪ Depression and anxiety have low self-esteem

▪ Well-being and Confidence are the two flavors of high self-esteem

▪ Stress is "negative self-esteem" and is composed of

▪ Hurt

▪ And Loss

▪ The Opposite of Stress

▪ Hurt outside if through the boundary causes ANGER, which can lead to violence or depression

▪ Loss outside if through boundary causes ANXIETY, which can lead to addiction or worry/panic and masochism

▪ Stress is unhappiness

▪ Happiness, self-esteem, value, and friendship relieve stress

▪ if anger is in you, it's yours and drains your well-being

▪ If anxiety is in you, it's yours and drains your confidence

▪ Well-being

▪ The sense of being full or having one's needs met, fed well, mothered

▪ Enables your engine to run cool and to be efficient without waste

▪ Confidence

▪ The state of being able to withstand risk, change, or loss, to be fathered

▪ The energy of action, getting things done

▪ The Four Laws of Emotional Dynamics

▪ The 1st Law

▪ Love = Happiness = Self-esteem = Well-being + Confidence

▪ Identity

▪ Oxytocin and Well-being

▪ Vasopressin and Confidence

▪ The Chemistry of Couples

▪ The 2nd Law

▪ Stress = Hurt + Loss

▪ Hurt

▪ Loss

▪ The 3rd Law

▪ Unhappiness = Anger + Anxiety

▪ Anger = Hurt that gets in you

▪ Anxiety = Loss that gets in you

▪ The 4th Law

▪ Unhappiness has three directions

▪ Passiveness, Destructiveness, and Constructiveness

▪ Anger = Depression + Aggression + Assertiveness

▪ Anxiety = Impulsive Avoidance + Masochism + Courage

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit romantipedia.substack.com/subscribe

We will continue to get into some audio instruction, this time on the first step of three (4, 5, 6) in the second phase of courtship—Emotional Attraction. And how Romantic Dynamics® works at the beginning of phase two. We will then cover each of the remaining five steps of courtship out of the nine total in their audios.

In this fourth lesson, and each one thereafter, I will list the notes I’ve used to give speeches to my classes on these steps, so I will use those as we go along.

I wanted you to have them here so that you can see what I’m addressing in the audio.

An Overview of Romantic Dynamics®:

The Nine Steps of Courtship

▪ Step 4 - Finding Value in Each Other

▪ Emotional Attraction

▪ The Emotional Bond

▪ Arousal is on a spectrum from low to high, from “danger” to “sexual.”

▪ Likewise, friendship is on a spectrum from low to high

▪ Friendship, we can say right now in our definition, is "consistent, mutual, shared positive emotion" and parallels the 3 part definition of Aristotle.

▪ Friendship quality also depends on character maturity, and you can see that it operates within the four factors above.

▪ Why We "Like" Each Other

▪ LIKING Vs. LOVING

▪ We “like” those who “like” us back.

▪ We “like” those who “are like” us in similarity.

▪ It’s “familiarity” and “I scratch your back; you scratch mine.”

▪ So we can “like” each other without sacrificing ourselves to make each other happy.

▪ In “love,” we make each other happy but may have to trade off sacrifices: something that requires generosity, trust, and maturity.

▪ Commonality

▪ Reciprocal altruism

▪ Why We "Love" Each Other

▪ MARRIAGE: FRIENDS FOREVER

▪ Finding “close friendship” with your spouse leads to increased happiness, according to a 2014 study by the National Bureau of Economics

▪ Couples that actively celebrated good news (rather than actively or passively dismissed it) have had a higher rate of relationship well-being.

▪ The “honeymoon phase,” with its "high levels of passionate love" and "intense feelings of attraction,” lasts about a year, according to a 2005 study by the University of Pavia, Italy.

▪ Being “useful” requires being reliable. Therefore, friendship must be “consistent.” This doesn’t mean a 144-word sentence uttered vaguely at each other every blue moon. Being “mutual” doesn’t mean “being identical.” It requires that we make team up and make mature, joint decisions in our lives - decisions that are wise and fair in behavior. Words are just words. Perhaps your grandmother once said, “You can’t judge a book by its cover. That applies here. Here, we can define “mutual” as something more collaborative, creative, and complex than, “I scratch your back, and you scratch mine.”

▪ If we were to decode Aristotle’s meaning of “good,” we might say in “good character,” which, as we have been discovering, requires many features of maturity - good boundaries, ethics and morality of decisions, and other adult behaviors.  Not online bullying or negativity, gossip, or any other crass behavior that is so very common on social media.

▪ Finally, being “pleasant” is another way of saying that friends share positive emotions and promote happiness in each other.

▪ Why We Are "In Love With" Each Other

▪ Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec said, “Love is when the desire to be desired takes you so badly that you feel you could die of it.”

▪ He also said, “I have tried to do what is true and not ideal.”

▪ This is the most that we can hope for in love, and it is the best that we can experience - that love is messy and imperfect, which is the wonder of it. In this way, we may always enjoy and desire the striving for love’s perfection without ever needing to reach it perfectly.

▪ One of the most common phrases said by a person breaking up a relationship is, “I love you, but I am not in love.” This is said so often that we sometimes say it as an automatic default. It may be so, but some of us still know it to be true and accurate emotionally. We feel happy about a person, but something is “missing.”

▪ Why We "Hate" Each Other

▪ The English word for “Hell” is derived from an Indo-European word meaning "to cover," which is associated with burial, and by extension, with a "place of the dead." The three questions commonly asked about it are:

▪ Is it temporary or permanent?

▪ Is it a state of consciousness or lack of consciousness?

▪ Why do some people go there?

▪ Hell is Pathological Narcissism

▪ Consider monster myths and Zombie movies

▪ Friendship

▪ Consistent

▪ Relates to the quality of personal boundaries

▪ is a fit for committed and lasting relationships, planning (for success), loyalty, and all the other personal boundary aspects

▪ Forms a foundation on which a story can be built - like the theme of a story

▪ An island of safety to return to

▪ Mutual

▪ Mutual means "fair" - win/win, not win/lose

▪ It is part of what fails when there is narcissism or dependency

▪ It is what fails when there is a mismatch of maturity, the requirement for both quality friendship and lasting partnership

▪ Balance, which is also "health" as far as emotions go

▪ Evolutionarily advantageous, Reciprocal Altruism

▪ Shared

▪ Means "in person" and forms the basis for making a team for two and testing that.

▪ We are wired for in-person socializing and romance, not email, texts, or tweets.

▪ also lends ownership

▪ also prevents projection and other immature ego defenses that we see operating when people communicate electronically

▪ Positive Emotion

▪ Not the Emo Club, which is based on negativity and is weak

▪ Is synonymous with happiness, value, and self-esteem

▪ Note the difference between good sex and happiness or between success and happiness

▪ They can co-occur but do not naturally lead to each other, except in the case of Csikshentimihalyi's FLOW STATE, caused by balance and alignment of the cognitive, emotional and passion-based

▪ Means that depressed and anxious people are not good friends while in the throes of their problem

▪ Value and Investment

▪ Value = Happiness

▪ Value = happiness, but value = worth of something

▪ Is dynamic and changing

▪ Can have a "drain" or "siphon" on it, but also a "feeder"

▪ For example, one's circle of friends outside the romance

▪ Or the well-being that comes from income to a degree

▪ Family

▪ What Goes In Must Come Out

▪ the second law of thermodynamics - that energy is neither created nor destroyed

▪ if you are a taker, the chickens will come home to roost someday

▪ Like a credit card

▪ Beliefs

▪ composed of ideas with emotion

▪ and so values are a part of beliefs in that they are an emotional valence

▪ tabletop model, with

▪ idea

▪ evidence

▪ emotional glue

▪ sense of reality and what is real

▪ Optimizing Investment

▪ Consider what people consider a 'bargain"

▪ Vs. what people consider a "ripoff"

▪ How many relationships have you been in that were a bargain?

▪ How many were ripoffs?

▪ The former had positive emotions and value

▪ The latter drained your positive emotion and value

▪ Self-esteem

▪ Positive Emotional Energy

▪ Depression and anxiety have low self-esteem

▪ Well-being and Confidence are the two flavors of high self-esteem

▪ Stress is "negative self-esteem" and is composed of

▪ Hurt

▪ And Loss

▪ The Opposite of Stress

▪ Hurt outside if through the boundary causes ANGER, which can lead to violence or depression

▪ Loss outside if through boundary causes ANXIETY, which can lead to addiction or worry/panic and masochism

▪ Stress is unhappiness

▪ Happiness, self-esteem, value, and friendship relieve stress

▪ if anger is in you, it's yours and drains your well-being

▪ If anxiety is in you, it's yours and drains your confidence

▪ Well-being

▪ The sense of being full or having one's needs met, fed well, mothered

▪ Enables your engine to run cool and to be efficient without waste

▪ Confidence

▪ The state of being able to withstand risk, change, or loss, to be fathered

▪ The energy of action, getting things done

▪ The Four Laws of Emotional Dynamics

▪ The 1st Law

▪ Love = Happiness = Self-esteem = Well-being + Confidence

▪ Identity

▪ Oxytocin and Well-being

▪ Vasopressin and Confidence

▪ The Chemistry of Couples

▪ The 2nd Law

▪ Stress = Hurt + Loss

▪ Hurt

▪ Loss

▪ The 3rd Law

▪ Unhappiness = Anger + Anxiety

▪ Anger = Hurt that gets in you

▪ Anxiety = Loss that gets in you

▪ The 4th Law

▪ Unhappiness has three directions

▪ Passiveness, Destructiveness, and Constructiveness

▪ Anger = Depression + Aggression + Assertiveness

▪ Anxiety = Impulsive Avoidance + Masochism + Courage

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit romantipedia.substack.com/subscribe

We will continue to get into some audio instruction, this time on step three of three in the first phase of courtship—Sexual Attraction. And how Romantic Dynamics® works in the completion of phase one. We will then cover each of the remaining six steps of courtship in their own audios.

In this third lesson, and each one thereafter, I will list the notes I’ve used to give speeches to my classes on these steps, so I will use those as we go along.

I wanted you to have them here so that you can see what I’m addressing in the audio.

An Overview of Romantic Dynamics®:

The Nine Steps of Courtship

Step 3 - Winning and Losing

▪ The Three Brains and the First Three Steps

▪ When Reptilian Brain talks to Reptilian Brain, there is desire.

▪ When Mammalian Brain talks to Mammalian Brain, there is love

▪ When Higher Brain talks to Higher Brain, there is teamwork and partnership.

▪ The three steps of sexual attraction are only about desire, and so when the woman turns to test the man in this step, it can at first seem unfriendly or adversarial, not collaborative.

▪ That is the point. If the man passes, the woman's desire will be all the more, and so will his.

▪ The Aphrodite Instinct shows the woman's physical health and her offspring's genetic potential

▪ The Hermes Instinct, in response, appeals to the woman's prime drive, which is the nature of her father.

▪ The Hera Instinct is a maternal approval to the man. It appeals to the masculine instincts to be considered of high rank, status, territory, and inherent worth, which corresponds to the Zeus, Poseidon, and Hades Instincts.

▪ The Zeus Instinct is paternal approval to the woman. It appeals to the feminine instincts that desire safety, security, leadership, and resources, corresponding to the Hera, Hestia, and Ariadne Instincts.

▪ The Athena Instinct tests the man's raw masculinity and genetic potential, while the Artemis Instinct tests his abilities as a provider, friend, and loyal partner.

▪ The Ares Instinct responds powerfully to the woman's tests of his masculinity and genetic potential - a "winner" in life. The Apollo Instinct responds perfectly to the Tests of Artemis, which display his intelligence, character, and wisdom.

▪ Battle of the Sexes

▪ Everything the man does not only benefits him through increased masculinity inside himself but also the woman through the expression of masculine instincts in her service.

▪ The man’s words and actions, if he is right for her, will elevate the passion level of her femininity in equal proportions. It won’t merely empower the man or make him “dominant.”

▪ Everything the woman does benefits her through increased femininity and energizes how alive the man feels in his masculinity.

▪ Athena, goddess of war, starts step three, measuring the man's masculinity level. The cool wisdom of careful diplomacy before the passions of war. (200-300 eggs)

▪ Ares, her brother and god of war, worthy opponent, passes the tests of step three with some general traits that pass such tests, such as "devil may care," "take no prisoners," relishing freedom (Odysseus), and "not caring," composure, and being "unfazed." (billions of sperm can afford this.)

▪ Artemis, the goddess of the hunt, steps in to weigh and measure the provider details of mature character - virtues, reliability, loyalty, "sapiosexuals," and success potential.

▪ Her brother, Apollo, the "success god," the "Elon Musk" of romance, the "Renaissance Man" god, worthy opponent to his sister, passes tests with intelligence and character.

▪ Other brother and sister gods. Odysseus, Hephaestus, Actaeon, Adonis, Echo, Medusa, Eris.

▪ "Need a god? Take a god. Have a god? Give a god." There's one for every universal little trait in men and women that you spot.

▪ The Three Tests of Athena

▪ Man Vs Nature - Tests the Odysseus Instinct, Hephaestus Instinct, and the Pan Instinct

▪ Examples of what women expect and what real-world situations offer men the chance to pass these tests:

▪ Three gods, in particular, are useful as guides to "manly man" skills here: Odysseus, Hephaestus, and Pan

▪ Odysseus was the adventurer god, a man on a mission, a "man of action." He also represents to men the felt sense of and need for "freedom." Without freedom, they cannot use this instinct or cultivate or display it, and with freedom, they will show how they can lead men, fight for the rewards of life, discover treasure and other good things, adapt, innovate, and persevere, the god of being "well-traveled" able to have rich, diverse friendships and stories to tell about travel and experiences out in the world. He is the "outer MacGyver" of being a man. He is courageous against nature.

▪ Hephaestus was the "village mechanic" and "blue-collar work ethic" god, the "inner MacGyver" who could take some trash and turn it into the ultimate weapon, or shield, or tool. He is what is represented to women when a man can fix his own car, or hers can do plumbing, electrical, and other technical, physical things around the house, and is the opposite of lazy. He is tireless at creating utility for himself, her, and everyone who knows him. He is Mr Fixit and also representative of a man able to do a CRAFT. He is "mechanical."

▪ Pan is the god of the wild, shepherds and flocks, nature of mountain wilds and rustic music, and companion of the nymphs. He has the hindquarters, legs, and horns of a goat in the same manner as a faun or satyr. With his homeland in rustic Arcadia, he is also recognized as the god of fields, groves, and wooded glens; Pan is connected to fertility and the spring season.

He is the man against nature in the sense of the outdoors, literally, the instinct in men to know how to start a fire, camp, or boy scout things, but remembers to bring his guitar. He can mountain climb, do outdoor sports, and is good with animals. You can think of him as a cowboy or the Marlboro Man, and he is more country than rock n roll. He may be a man who does yoga, knows the music women love, and perhaps can sing it.

▪ Also, Orion and Actaeon are hunters in the wild, and literal foes to Artemis, who helps out Athena in testing men.

▪ Man Vs. Man - Ares Instinct and Adonis and others

▪ For guides to specific things the unconscious of women looks for in men in these tests, consider anything that helps a man directly defeat another man.

▪ We may see Hermes being tested for true wit and communication skills in debating or trash-talking other men

▪ Poseidon for outdoing them in financial resources

▪ or Ares directly in fighting them or intimidating other men.

▪ Adonis is a man of a handsome nature with the best looks

▪ Man Vs Woman - Tests and cross-checks Zeus, Apollo, and others

▪ We may circle back to Zeus when it comes to giving good leadership advice and fatherly conviction in disagreement or conflict with a woman, which after the fact, may remind her of her own father.

▪ Apollo, who will be further tested by Artemis later, is also the god of education, and a man able to hold his own in conversation or debate with a woman will rely on his Apollo Instinct. He is the one who gives a man the ability to pass a woman's tests by saying NO to her.

▪ A man in this position may need to be both solid in his convictions but, already having proven himself a gentleman, does not let down that gentlemanliness, which is in and of itself, passing a test.

▪ The Shield of Ares

▪ Shielding as an effective defense, and universal testing proof, the personal boundary which preserves the interior instincts from shame and destruction

▪ Offers some of the needs of the Hera, Hestia, and Ariadne being met

▪ The ultimate defense against Medusa, literally the answer to the question of the myth

▪ The core essence of the "winning instinct" or "killer instinct"

▪ The Character Tests of Artemis

▪ Diana, "Wonder Woman," the night huntress, sees the details in the dim light of the moon

▪ The male and brother instinct who responds is Apollo, the "Renaissance Man" Instinct, master of the intellectual, the arts and sciences, and the ultimate god of character maturity.

▪ She guarantees food, an environment, a provider in the man, protective of the eggs

▪ She is the detective instinct in women, but also the "nag" - the helpful instinct for detail and strategy

▪ Three simple ones - the hunters, Adonis, Actaeon, and Orion

▪ Adonis - the "muscle guy" who womanizes and values the body and appearance too much in meeting women. He is the one who, more than anything else, says, "Wow, you're beautiful," - and so women can use this nature as a quick study of his character. This tells the woman about the absence of boundaries and win/win nature by way of being "all reptilian" - too much about the body and not enough about the intellect.

▪ Actaeon - the "stalky guy" who oversteps his welcome, is intrusive and invades her space, or is "hard-sell" on going on dates. The "pushy guy" who is doomed to be "killed" (lose the courtship), on the biting dogs at his heels - his own friends and associates. Poor boundaries through invading those of others. He is "win/lose".

▪ Orion - the "nice guy" who is a little too nice, too available, too eager - the woman spots this guy through his poor boundaries in letting anyone and everyone into his own, violating his privacy, resources, or welfare. He is "lose/win".

▪ From here, there are tests of each part of the character or conscious mind.

▪ The Mind of Apollo

▪ His passing will be very verbal, conversational, and logical—the Sun god, enlightenment, intellectually and spiritually.

▪ His nature will be won/win, constructive, good boundaries, mature ego defenses - humor, altruism, sublimation, courage

▪ The god of enlightenment and ascension to higher achievement, success, the requirement of successful commitment on male terms, not just taking orders.

▪ The Bridge to Love

▪ When is one satisfied with testing?

▪ What does narcissism have to do with crossing to the next level?

▪ Is friendship going to be possible?

▪ How do we cross from instincts to emotions?

▪ Emotions as the rosetta stone between men and women.

Thanks for reading Romantipedia™! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit romantipedia.substack.com/subscribe

We will continue to get into some audio instruction weekly, with a talk that serves as a framework for quickly getting up to speed on how Romantic Dynamics® works in step 2. We will continue covering each of the nine steps of courtship in audio of their own.

In this second step and its lesson, I will list the notes I’ve used to give speeches to my classes on these steps, so I will use those as we go along.

I wanted you to have them here so that you can see what I’m addressing in the audio.

An Overview of Romantic Dynamics®:

The Nine Steps of Courtship

Step 2 - Ladies and Gentlemen

▪ APHRODITE - goddess of the female physical beauty (which is health), and the maternal erotic - that which is desired in "mother" by the male.

▪ Physical beauty, which is health

▪ The Physical Erotic

▪ The Erotic Maternal

▪ Symmetry is the beauty of the physical, but balance is the symmetrical beauty of the mind

▪ Dark side is the Seductress, the Black Widow Spider

▪ Aphrodite offered Paris the love of Helen of Sparta, the most beautiful woman known in the world, even though she was the wife of a rival, King Menelaus. 

▪ That all women have an “Aphrodite Instinct”—for the care of and conduct of the physical body, and men have the instinct to pursue this beauty in women.

▪ HERA - goddess of marriage, property, and resources, "mother earth," the goddess of the maternal and feminine leadership administration.

▪ The Ultimate Mother - supporting with unlimited resources. This is also symbolic of a woman "standing by your man" in its maternal nature or making a man "feel like a million bucks."

▪ She also represents the ultimate co-leader and wife in a marriage, wife to Zeus, and Queen of Mt Olympus.

▪ She is the ultimate administrator and wise counsel, advisor, and judge of what is right or fair. So she is a "fairness" goddess right in the midst of the illogical, reptilian brain. This kind of fairness would come from a primitive, instinctual place such as the evolutionists' concept of "free riders" and "reciprocal altruism," which is not just conscious maturity but survival-level fairness in higher species. What is "fair" at the animal level about humans?

▪ Dark side is prone to criticism, destructive, "eating her young," and control issues.

▪ Hera offered him “power over all the earth, and kingly station over all its lands” – to make him the most “alpha-male” of all men on earth – if he agreed that she was the fairest of all goddesses.  

▪ That all women have a “Hera Instinct” - for the ownership and accounting of resources (such as money) including time, energy, and leadership, and that this can be appealing to men to align with, so long as it offers advantaged status in society, or competitive success in career.

▪ ATHENA - goddess of war and winning, as well as the judge of just wars, and also politics before the war as the priority.

▪ Goddess of war and conflict, judging hierarchy and merit

▪ Also the goddess of judging diplomacy and also fairness out in the world, not just in the relationship

▪ She sees winners but also causes men to BE winners

▪ Patron of Athens, not just for good luck but for assurance of victory through sophistication and wisdom

▪ She has an owl on her shoulder—the origin of an owl’s wisdom

▪ Dark side is barbaric - gossip, and shaming males, she comforts and facilitates the rise of Medusa, who Poseidon shamed, and as a result, is female revenge for Medusa's "female rage"

▪ Athena offered Paris the ability “to win every battle with total certainty of victory” and the wisdom and abilities of the greatest warriors in history.  

▪ That all women have an “Athena Instinct” - to want to align with “winners” and to be fit judges of the value of others socially, a discriminating taste in judging the utility of things and their quality. Athena was the goddess of war and politics, and she could most convincingly judge “how much of a man was.

▪ We later learn that the Temptation of Paris and his choice, Helen, given by Aphrodite, as the winner, also started the Trojan War.

▪ The "Three Temptations" are the three steps of sexual attraction on the female side - to amplify the beauty and capture male attention, to offer resources, ownership, support (a muse), the "maternal" aspects on display, and finally, to offer judgment that the man is "a winner" and to offer a guarantee of "winning" every battle he fights.

▪ The Three Things men must have to be fully attracted:

▪ This was quite a challenge for Paris because the three goddesses knew the three most potent things that drive the reptilian brain of a man wild more than anything else:

▪ Inspiring beauty (HEALTH) - the temptation of Aphrodite.

▪ “Alpha-male status” (rank, power, and territory) - the temptation of Hera.

▪ Winning at a competition—the temptation of Athena.

▪ The features of Step Two of Sexual Attraction

▪ The Second Step of Sexual Attraction is for the woman to let the man know she likes him by being approving, supportive, “cheering him on,” and in kind for him to let her know he likes her by being supportive and helpful with his resources psychological and physical (this chapter.)

▪ Where the man and woman let each other know they are preferred.

▪ Where physical touch first occurs, not before or delayed until after

▪ Where they learn the future likelihood of how they would be treated as a spouse, BF, or GF

▪ Where they learn the future likelihood of how their children will be treated.

▪ A window to what friendship and commitment (the second and third phases of courtship) might be like

▪ The only place to be generous and giving, not before or delayed until after

▪ The Specifics of What Passions Can Be Generated by the "maternal" and "paternal" nature. (Why this works.)

▪ Science and Art

▪ Science lasts eternally—the results happen 99% of the time, no matter what time in history, where you live, or who you are.

▪ Art that endures thousands of years happens because of universal human commonalities.

▪ Art and science together explain the intellectual and emotional aspects of looking at the irrational instinctual to make it more rational and human.

▪ The figures of Greek literature offer us "key codes" to what is going on between men's and women's instincts

▪ Husbands and Wives

▪ In the story of Paris, we learn that Hera offers an appealing temptation based on making a man feel honored and valued through “ownership” and “authority,” both granted and recognized as inherent in him by Hera. He is dubbed “King of the World” to borrow from Titanic.

▪ Offers men:

▪ Rank in a hierarchy against other men

▪ Resources that other men don't have

▪ "Territory" that is granted to the man by the woman

▪ This can be both physical and emotional and sets us up for step three and competition and winning.

▪ Offers women:

▪ Support/security

▪ Resources/utility

▪ "Home" in a spiritual sense

▪ Zeus was husband to Hera, and so the husband dynamic is seen in Zeus

▪ Hera was the wife to Zeus, and so the wife dynamic is seen in Hera

▪ Derivatives: Eros, husband of Psyche, his wife; Hephaestus, husband of Aphrodite, her husband; Ares, only lover to Aphrodite, both Ares, and Athena, as well as Artemis, are singles.

▪ The relationship between any "husband and wife" in mythology shows us how the masculine and feminine instincts support EACH OTHER.

▪ The Hera Instinct

▪ She represents the "death of the girl and birth of the woman."

▪ She both gives and receives

▪ She helps the man rank in a hierarchy, resources, and territory

▪ She also requires utility in the man, resources of a physical and financial nature (the aspects of friendship with a man come later), as do the accouterments of marriage.

▪ Financial success by the woman is not experienced by men as nearly as alluring an attractor as physical beauty, and as you have likely seen, often (irrationally, but real), a detractor from attraction in the male. 

▪ Males may say, "You're not my boss."

▪ Hera is both dignified yet subtle - she finds ways to exert her power and leadership, as in the story of Echo or the parallel story of Psyche learning to become a woman with the golden fleece of the boars.

▪ She requires loyalty, and Zeus often lets her down.

▪ Lessons - we cannot buy love nor bully love. It is voluntary.

▪ The Zeus Instinct

▪ Zeus was the chief god, the god of leadership and fatherhood, and like some of today’s leaders with a bent for physical beauty, was prone to cheating, affairs, and offspring by other females.

▪ Yet all men have a “weakness” for physical beauty, the same as Paris did. The difference is that some men have strong boundaries and integrity that hold them back, even though Paris’ first preference is true of all men (remember, it’s not the presence of the reptilian brain’s “gender instincts” that make men or women do wrong, but the absence of the higher brain’s ability at having personal boundaries and integrity.) 

▪ Zeus gives things but also requires things, which may fall away today to a degree.

▪ He gives security, solutions, power (lightning bolt), his Eagle (bird's eye view) and also elevation from trouble (Heroes - "take me away" - the desire of women), resources spiritually himself and via his brother, Poseidon - money

▪ The "provider instinct"

▪ Yet he requires things - privacy, loyalty, right and justice, fairness, HONOR

▪ Brothers and Sisters

▪ The brother and sister relationship in mythology shows us the dynamics of how the masculine instincts support EACH OTHER and the feminine instincts support EACH OTHER.

▪ When a brother and sister are paired, this shows the men-women supportive dynamic as SINGLES instead of committed relationships.

▪ We will learn that brother to Artemis is Apollo and brother to Athena is Ares; for example, in Step three

▪ But in this step, when we see the brothers of Zeus in Poseidon and Hades, we are seeing derivative support of Zeus.

▪ When we see Hestia and Ariadne, we are seeing the support of Hera.

▪ And so part of step two is showing the woman that Poseidon will also help (money, material resources) and that Hades (privacy and imagination) need to be honored, and they benefit the woman indirectly too.

▪ Part of step two is showing the man that Hestia (the woman's friendships) will help (social resources) and that Ariadne (support of his career) will be there.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit romantipedia.substack.com/subscribe

We will continue to get into some audio instruction weekly, with a talk that serves as a framework for quickly getting up to speed on how Romantic Dynamics® works in step 2. We will continue covering each of the nine steps of courtship in audio of their own.

In this second step and its lesson, I will list the notes I’ve used to give speeches to my classes on these steps, so I will use those as we go along.

I wanted you to have them here so that you can see what I’m addressing in the audio.

An Overview of Romantic Dynamics®:

The Nine Steps of Courtship

Step 2 - Ladies and Gentlemen

▪ What is a "Lady" or a "Gentleman?"

▪ We are not talking about "roles" of being maternal or paternal, but that which is instinctual in every man and woman that has a generous, constructive, creative nature toward others, whether children, friends, other adults, or lovers.

▪ A "Lady" then combines something specific about femininity as a female, instinctual style of giving and creating, which also is of manners and is diplomatic. It has both a light side and a dark side when seen as pure instinct though.

▪ A "Gentleman" comes from the root "Genteel," which means "highborn" or "mannered." It is similarly an instinctual paternal style of being generous or giving, creative in a masculine way, yet also mature and dignified.

▪ Both are a "preview of things to come" in the relationship: how one may act as a parent to actual children, how one will treat a spouse when in hard times, or when nobody is looking over the shoulder.

▪ Yet it also draws from one's own experience of the same-sex parent and, as a recipient, draws from one's experience of the opposite-sex parent.

▪ It links the good/bad instinct to the mature side of one's character and sides with authenticity, kindness, and the beginnings of comfort, support, satisfaction, and friendship with the new love interest.

▪ These are not in any way "sexist," but rather biological, and the reason that women ask, "Whatever happened to chivalry?" or "She doesn't make me feel like a man."

▪ "Chivalry" is for both men and women to display, as far as this concept goes. There is a "female chivalry" which we have also lost.

▪ These, drawing from "genteel," also imply leadership, a setting an example for others through one's cultured maturity.

▪ Paris of Troy and the Three Steps of Sexual Attraction

▪ This is where art truly meets science. This one is pretty remarkable from any of our processes at Romantipedia.

▪ If myths last thousands of years, they must say something universally appealing; what is universally appealing to us is that which is about ourselves.

▪ The story is where Eris, "discord," is not invited to a big party, so she throws a golden apple into the center of it and inscribes on it "Kallisti," to the fairest. Aphrodite, Hera, and Athena come to fisticuffs. Zeus doesn't want to deal with this, so he has Paris of Troy, the most handsome, successful mortal male of the time, be a judge. Of note, Hermes intermediates between himself and the goddesses.

▪ The three - whip up their best gifts and temptations as goddesses for Paris to judge, which is nearly a carbon copy overlay on today's (or any period in history's) singles' dating market, from the perspective of what specific things women do that secure the early interest of a man.

▪ APHRODITE - goddess of the female physical beauty (which is health), and the maternal erotic - that which is desired in "mother" by the male.

▪ Physical beauty, which is health

▪ The Physical Erotic

▪ The Erotic Maternal

▪ Symmetry is the beauty of the physical, but balance is the symmetrical beauty of the mind

▪ Dark side is the Seductress, the Black Widow Spider

▪ Aphrodite offered Paris the love of Helen of Sparta, the most beautiful woman known in the world, even though she was the wife of a rival, King Menelaus. 

▪ That all women have an “Aphrodite Instinct”—for the care of and conduct of the physical body, and men have the instinct to pursue this beauty in women.

▪ HERA - goddess of marriage, property, and resources, "mother earth," the goddess of the maternal and feminine leadership administration.

▪ The Ultimate Mother - supporting with unlimited resources. This is also symbolic of a woman "standing by your man" in its maternal nature or making a man "feel like a million bucks."

▪ She also represents the ultimate co-leader and wife in a marriage, wife to Zeus, and Queen of Mt Olympus.

▪ She is the ultimate administrator and wise counsel, advisor, and judge of what is right or fair. So she is a "fairness" goddess right in the midst of the illogical, reptilian brain. This kind of fairness would come from a primitive, instinctual place such as the evolutionists' concept of "free riders" and "reciprocal altruism," which is not just conscious maturity but survival-level fairness in higher species. What is "fair" at the animal level about humans?

▪ Dark side is prone to criticism, destructive, "eating her young," and control issues.

▪ Hera offered him “power over all the earth, and kingly station over all its lands” – to make him the most “alpha-male” of all men on earth – if he agreed that she was the fairest of all goddesses.  

▪ That all women have a “Hera Instinct” - for the ownership and accounting of resources (such as money) including time, energy, and leadership, and that this can be appealing to men to align with, so long as it offers advantaged status in society, or competitive success in career.

▪ ATHENA - goddess of war and winning, as well as the judge of just wars, and also politics before the war as the priority.

▪ Goddess of war and conflict, judging hierarchy and merit

▪ Also the goddess of judging diplomacy and also fairness out in the world, not just in the relationship

▪ She sees winners but also causes men to BE winners

▪ Patron of Athens, not just for good luck but for assurance of victory through sophistication and wisdom

▪ She has an owl on her shoulder—the origin of an owl’s wisdom

▪ Dark side is barbaric - gossip, and shaming males, she comforts and facilitates the rise of Medusa, who Poseidon shamed, and as a result, is female revenge for Medusa's "female rage"

▪ Athena offered Paris the ability “to win every battle with total certainty of victory” and the wisdom and abilities of the greatest warriors in history.  

▪ That all women have an “Athena Instinct” - to want to align with “winners” and to be fit judges of the value of others socially, a discriminating taste in judging the utility of things and their quality. Athena was the goddess of war and politics, and she could most convincingly judge “how much of a man was.

▪ We later learn that the Temptation of Paris and his choice, Helen, given by Aphrodite, as the winner, also started the Trojan War.

▪ The "Three Temptations" are the three steps of sexual attraction on the female side - to amplify the beauty and capture male attention, to offer resources, ownership, support (a muse), the "maternal" aspects on display, and finally, to offer judgment that the man is "a winner" and to offer a guarantee of "winning" every battle he fights.

▪ The Three Things men must have to be fully attracted:

▪ This was quite a challenge for Paris because the three goddesses knew the three most potent things that drive the reptilian brain of a man wild more than anything else:

▪ Inspiring beauty (HEALTH) - the temptation of Aphrodite.

▪ “Alpha-male status” (rank, power, and territory) - the temptation of Hera.

▪ Winning at a competition—the temptation of Athena.

▪ The features of Step Two of Sexual Attraction

▪ The Second Step of Sexual Attraction is for the woman to let the man know she likes him by being approving, supportive, “cheering him on,” and in kind for him to let her know he likes her by being supportive and helpful with his resources psychological and physical (this chapter.)

▪ Where the man and woman let each other know they are preferred.

▪ Where physical touch first occurs, not before or delayed until after

▪ Where they learn the future likelihood of how they would be treated as a spouse, BF, or GF

▪ Where they learn the future likelihood of how their children will be treated.

▪ A window to what friendship and commitment (the second and third phases of courtship) might be like

▪ The only place to be generous and giving, not before or delayed until after

▪ The Specifics of What Passions Can Be Generated by the "maternal" and "paternal" nature. (Why this works.)

▪ Science and Art

▪ Science lasts eternally—the results happen 99% of the time, no matter what time in history, where you live, or who you are.

▪ Art that endures thousands of years happens because of universal human commonalities.

▪ Art and science together explain the intellectual and emotional aspects of looking at the irrational instinctual to make it more rational and human.

▪ The figures of Greek literature offer us "key codes" to what is going on between men's and women's instincts

▪ Husbands and Wives

▪ In the story of Paris, we learn that Hera offers an appealing temptation based on making a man feel honored and valued through “ownership” and “authority,” both granted and recognized as inherent in him by Hera. He is dubbed “King of the World” to borrow from Titanic.

▪ Offers men:

▪ Rank in a hierarchy against other men

▪ Resources that other men don't have

▪ "Territory" that is granted to the man by the woman

▪ This can be both physical and emotional and sets us up for step three and competition and winning.

▪ Offers women:

▪ Support/security

▪ Resources/utility

▪ "Home" in a spiritual sense

▪ Zeus was husband to Hera, and so the husband dynamic is seen in Zeus

▪ Hera was the wife to Zeus, and so the wife dynamic is seen in Hera

▪ Derivatives: Eros, husband of Psyche, his wife; Hephaestus, husband of Aphrodite, her husband; Ares, only lover to Aphrodite, both Ares, and Athena, as well as Artemis, are singles.

▪ The relationship between any "husband and wife" in mythology shows us how the masculine and feminine instincts support EACH OTHER.

▪ The Hera Instinct

▪ She represents the "death of the girl and birth of the woman."

▪ She both gives and receives

▪ She helps the man rank in a hierarchy, resources, and territory

▪ She also requires utility in the man, resources of a physical and financial nature (the aspects of friendship with a man come later), as do the accouterments of marriage.

▪ Financial success by the woman is not experienced by men as nearly as alluring an attractor as physical beauty, and as you have likely seen, often (irrationally, but real), a detractor from attraction in the male. 

▪ Males may say, "You're not my boss."

▪ Hera is both dignified yet subtle - she finds ways to exert her power and leadership, as in the story of Echo or the parallel story of Psyche learning to become a woman with the golden fleece of the boars.

▪ She requires loyalty, and Zeus often lets her down.

▪ Lessons - we cannot buy love nor bully love. It is voluntary.

▪ The Zeus Instinct

▪ Zeus was the chief god, the god of leadership and fatherhood, and like some of today’s leaders with a bent for physical beauty, was prone to cheating, affairs, and offspring by other females.

▪ Yet all men have a “weakness” for physical beauty, the same as Paris did. The difference is that some men have strong boundaries and integrity that hold them back, even though Paris’ first preference is true of all men (remember, it’s not the presence of the reptilian brain’s “gender instincts” that make men or women do wrong, but the absence of the higher brain’s ability at having personal boundaries and integrity.) 

▪ Zeus gives things but also requires things, which may fall away today to a degree.

▪ He gives security, solutions, power (lightning bolt), his Eagle (bird's eye view) and also elevation from trouble (Heroes - "take me away" - the desire of women), resources spiritually himself and via his brother, Poseidon - money

▪ The "provider instinct"

▪ Yet he requires things - privacy, loyalty, right and justice, fairness, HONOR

▪ Brothers and Sisters

▪ The brother and sister relationship in mythology shows us the dynamics of how the masculine instincts support EACH OTHER and the feminine instincts support EACH OTHER.

▪ When a brother and sister are paired, this shows the men-women supportive dynamic as SINGLES instead of committed relationships.

▪ We will learn that brother to Artemis is Apollo and brother to Athena is Ares; for example, in Step three

▪ But in this step, when we see the brothers of Zeus in Poseidon and Hades, we are seeing derivative support of Zeus.

▪ When we see Hestia and Ariadne, we are seeing the support of Hera.

▪ And so part of step two is showing the woman that Poseidon will also help (money, material resources) and that Hades (privacy and imagination) need to be honored, and they benefit the woman indirectly too.

▪ Part of step two is showing the man that Hestia (the woman's friendships) will help (social resources) and that Ariadne (support of his career) will be there.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit romantipedia.substack.com/subscribe

I wanted to get a “part 2” to you quickly—to fill in and expand what we started yesterday about the nine steps of courtship and diving into the first step (Beauty and Mystery) of the first phase (Attraction and Desire.)

We will begin to get into some audio instruction weekly, beginning with a talk that serves as a framework for getting quickly up to speed on how Romantic Dynamics® works overall. We will then cover each of their nine steps of courtship in audios.

In this first lesson, and each one thereafter, I will list the notes I’ve used to give speeches to my classes on these steps, so I will use those as we go along.

I wanted you to have them here so that you can see what I’m addressing in the audio.

An Overview of Romantic Dynamics®:

The Nine Steps of Courtship

▪ (CONTINUED from Part I)

▪ The relation between Passion, Masculinity, and Femininity

▪ Higher Masculinity = Higher Passion

▪ Higher Passion and excitement = Higher Masculinity

▪ Higher Femininity = Higher Passion

▪ Higher Passion = Higher Femininity

▪ Femininity directed at a specific man both raises the woman's femininity and the man's masculinity

▪ Masculinity directed at a specific woman raises both the man's and woman's femininity.

▪ What ruins these relationships is pathological narcissism and selfishness, where women socialize just for male attention, or men socialize just for female "groupies"

▪ Imprinting

▪ Konrad Lorenz - the ducklings.

▪ Very interesting - like FIRMWARE of the mind

▪ Preprogrammed, but will only turn on in SPECIFIC circumstances, where conditions are met (and this is key): AT THE RIGHT TIME.

▪ Seen in children and attachment

▪ But if we think about attachment as we do today - how it goes on long term or for life

▪ Then we might see how human courtship is also majorly an IMPRINTING PROCESS

▪ I Love what Lorenz says: that IMPRINTING IS FOREVER.

▪ In a chaotic world of romance, this is about the best promise that science could make us about love.

▪ It goes control if one is very attentive to CONDITIONS and TIMING.

Mindfulness and Observing Ego

▪ What helps you see the instinctual processes going on and to direct them better is Observing Ego

▪ OE helps you by being the narrator of your life, the bird's eye view

▪ Present minded

▪ Mindful

▪ Accesses the past and future

▪ Has balance and harmony

▪ accessed by the five senses, intimacy, decisions, and actions

BEAUTY IN THE FEMALE

▪ What is Beauty, and how do you use it?

▪ Beauty is not just male "leering." It is about physical health, symmetry as a measure of genetic robustness, clear skin, and a healthy mind, all indicators of successful offspring.

▪ As with all steps of courtship, the instincts work hand in hand. Men are "visual" unconsciously and instinctually regarding the senses. And so of course, they see physical beauty first, literally, before "what is inside." Their instincts are attuned visually to be wary of predators, spot food, etc.

▪ And so the woman's attention to her health becomes to the man's unconscious, "food" ("I could eat you up") or "the objective," which sounds quite a bit like the word "objectification" and yet has a highly positive usefulness. The woman is the "apple of the man's eye," which carries overtones that harken back to the "Female Oedipus" and her relationship with her father.

▪ Women will have automatic physicality when around the man of interest or men of interest. These will take the form of postures, gestures, closeness or proximity, the role of her shoes, handbag etc, and of course, the eyes.

▪ Biologists have called these "submission signals." However, we call them "Attraction Signals."

▪ "It's not what you've got, but how you use it."

▪ Call it a set of instincts, either the Aphrodite Instinct (for the single female, image above) or the Psyche Instinct (for the married female, image below)

▪ See the film, Closer for great examples.

MYSTERIOUSNESS IN THE MALE

▪ What is Mysteriousness and how do you use it?

▪ Men also have two modes for their step, that of being Mysterious. This also is informed by the "Female Oedipus" and flows naturally into the next step (being gentlemanly), but a way of acting like a father, kind, caring, and so forth, but not before being mysterious.

(Book versions such as the below are found at the “Books” button of romantipedia.substack.com.

▪ The Hermes Instinct - quick talking, communicative, fast, hard to follow or find, and the trickster, full of humor. Think of a little boy in third grade teasing a girl.

▪ The Eros Instinct - the married man's mystery, where the woman may succeed or fail to discover that his secrecy only hides the fact that he is a god, not a monster. And so her curiosity leads to illuminating both him and their relationship as being highly valuable.

▪ You can tell what is mysterious by what it is not - that if it cannot be labeled, it is mysterious, and if it incites curiosity, then it is mysterious.

▪ The feminine instinct participates in this, too in the sense of her Artemis Instinct starting to go online, which is the natural "detective" in a woman, and which causes her to pursue answers to questions.

▪ If she asks questions or tries to place a label on him, he is mysterious.

▪ There are numerous facets to what a man can do or say, which can spur curiosity or an attempt at labeling and being mysterious, from clothing to neutral comments, perfectly neutral, to innuendoes, to participation in storytelling and physical paired activity like sports and dance. See the film Match Point for great examples.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit romantipedia.substack.com/subscribe

We will begin to get into some audio instruction weekly, beginning with a talk that serves as a framework for getting quickly up to speed on how Romantic Dynamics® works overall. We will then cover each of their nine steps of courtship in audios.

In this first lesson, and each one thereafter, I will list the notes I’ve used to give speeches to my classes on these steps, so I will use those as we go along.

An Overview of Romantic Dynamics®:

The Nine Steps of Courtship

▪ Introduction to Romantipedia®

▪ Step 1 - Beauty and Mystery

▪ The first step of Sexual Attraction

▪ Masculinity - the masculine instincts being expressed or energized

▪ Femininity - the feminine instincts being expressed or energized

▪ Desire - the polarity of masculine and feminine instincts

▪ Passion - the feeling of vitality, viability, and excitement at being alive, as well as a shared desire

▪ It's the first of the Reptilian Brained aspects

▪ The center of the instincts of “Survival,” “Masculinity,” and “Femininity”

▪ Where “passion” as well as “lust” or “desire” are perceived

▪ Operates automatically, without the need for conscious input

▪ Concerned with survival and reproduction

▪ Irrational

▪ The relation between Passion, Masculinity, and Femininity

▪ Higher Masculinity = Higher Passion

▪ Higher Passion and excitement = Higher Masculinity

▪ Higher Femininity = Higher Passion

▪ Higher Passion = Higher Femininity

▪ Femininity directed at a specific man both raises the woman's femininity and the man's masculinity

▪ Masculinity directed at a specific woman raises both the man's masculinity and woman's femininity.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit romantipedia.substack.com/subscribe