Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

By The Irish TimesComedy

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Ross O'Carroll-Kelly episodes

September 20, 2024 ‘Your father is a moral eunuch, Ross. Those aren’t my words. That was a main finding of the Mahon tribunal’
So we’re in Morton’s of Ranelagh, doing the big shop, when we run into Rebecca Leahy, the old dear of Honor’s classmate Diva Leahy. Actually, she and Sorcha both reach for the last punnet of kumquats in the shop and I watch Sorcha’s body shape change to fight mode until Rebecca goes, “Sorcha! How are you? Oh my God, look at you! You must weigh nothing!”
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7 min
September 13, 2024 The porty invitations were returned with the words, ‘Honor O’Carroll-Kelly? Are you focking kidding me?’
I‘ve always worried about Honor – from the time she emerged from her mother’s womb and gave a “fock you” look to the midwife who slapped her orse.
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7 min
September 06, 2024 A lot of things are storting to make sense, including the violin case Leo carries around with him like a Chicago gangster
Leo’s music teacher, Mrs Gordon, says that Leo has a genuine gift for music and I’m thinking that I need this like Ranelagh needs more launderettes with performance spaces.
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7 min
August 30, 2024 ‘Our daughter is nothing like Donald Trump, Sorcha – aport from the tan and the vengefulness’
It’s, like, the first day back at school for Honor and she eats her muesli with the quiet, steely-eyed intensity of me doing my traditional 500 sit-ups on the first morning of the Six Nations Championship.
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7 min
August 23, 2024 Sorcha knows my game. She can read me like the instructions on an airplane vomit bag
It’s true what they say – travel really does broaden the mind. And even though I’ve never seen the point of having loads of knowledge in my head when pretty much everything is available on the internet, you can still end up learning things when you go abroad whether you like it or not.
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7 min
August 16, 2024 It’s a miracle Sorcha’s old man has never killed me, though he did buy me a plot in Shanganagh Cemetery for my 40th
Sorcha says this is the worst thing I’ve ever done to her. It’s not the worst thing I’ve ever done to her. It’s not even in the top 10. But I don’t think it’s going to help my case if I stort running through some of my greatest hits.
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7 min
August 09, 2024 ‘Are you aware that your children are Protestants now?’
So — yeah, no — Oisínn has landed himself an unbelievably cushy job. As a matter of fact, I have to ask him to repeat himself because I presume I’ve, like, misheard him?
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7 min
August 03, 2024 How do you become a Protestant? ‘You have to drink the blood of a Sussex chicken on Dalkey Island under a gibbous moon’
Alice says that was a very interesting reading by me the other morning. She says she’s never heard the story of the Prodigal Son told in that way before.
I’m there, “You mean all the different voices?”

She goes, “The voices, yes – but also the sound effects.”

I’m there, “I wanted to, you know, put a bit of welly into it for the audience. I was a bit of a showman in my rugby days. I think what we’re finding out is that it’s a quality that never really leaves you,” and I give her a big, leathery wink....
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7 min
July 26, 2024 Honor has picked a theme for her year as Mount Anville head girl: ‘Vengeance’
I’ve never been one of those parents. You know the kind I’m talking about. Their kid does a poo for the first time sitting on a toilet and they’re taking out an ad in The Irish Times to announce the news. It’s genuinely rare that I find myself in a position to say – like I did on Friday – that I’m proud of one of my children. Honor has now completed exactly half of her community service hours for vandalising hundreds of SUVs across south Dublin. I know it’s a low bor that I’ve set for her, but here we are.
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7 min
July 19, 2024 ‘Protestants are not that much different from us. I mean, they’re definitely less craic, but they get sh*t done’
I’m not usually one of those, what I like to call Flat White Wankers, but that’s what I’m drinking this morning, sitting outside the Happy Out Café on the seafront in Dún Laoghaire.
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7 min