Look. Dan's five-year-old has started kindergarten on Zoom and it's not going exactly what anyone would describe as, well, "well."

But don't worry, Maureen's got just the thing thing to cheer him up.

What could possibly go wrong Sayswhovia? 

Nothing, that's what. 

No thing.
 

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Maureen and Dan are fine. Just fine. Once Dan duct tapes this mic, and Maureen makes sure she hasn’t taken the dog’s medication, they’ll get right to it. Because things are great. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Because today’s SaysWhovia is RETRO. Russian interference? Check. Steve Bannon arrested on a boat? Check. Weird tapes with people talking shit about Trump? Check. Kellyanne Conway ripping her go bag from under the floorboards and disappearing into the night? Check!

It’s everything we thought 2017 would be, but now with a crunchy outer layer of 2020! And again, Dan and Maureen are fine.

Get into this boat. We’re beating on against the current events, borne back ceaselessly into the past.

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It’s that wonderful time of year when either all students or some or none go back to school for an unknown period of time until everything closes down again and Dan is fine with it. Dan’s own Danlings are staying home, which means turning the house into a school. But all of this makes sense. Loads of sense.

Meanwhile, Joe Biden picks a running mate, the DNC starts, the post office is under attack, and Maureen has decided that maybe she doesn’t want to talk abut news anymore. Maybe there shouldn’t be news. Talking about school is okay, though. Or books. Or maybe not books, because she didn’t sound to happy about that either.

Can Dan and Maureen muddle through? Can Dan teach kindergarten? Can Maureen write? Are they… okay? Why do they keep laughing?

Buckle up, SaysWhovia. The bus is leaving.

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It’s the big day! Time to learn Joe Biden’s VP pick! Dan and Maureen are here covering it live, and definitely did not record this episode precisely one hour before the news broke. Of course they know who it is!

Because they are professionals, they cover all the news of the week, like how good America is at having COVID, how cool reopening plans are, and how bad Maureen’s school was at taking care of sick students. But the big story is the VP, and they totally know who that is. Completely.

Also, Maureen has an idea. Things devolve.

Says Who: it’s no a podcast, it’s one of many podcasts.

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Maureen is home from the woods. It’s good to be home, back in the familiar place, back in…

Oh. There’s a little tropical storm happening. Nothing to worry about. Dan’s not worried. He’s…he’s rocking back and forth. What’s wrong with Dan? Has he been watching something? Oh. He watched the Axios interview.

Everything seems to be happening at once. It’s August. It’s back to school time, or not. Or possibly? Jared is in charge. Possibly. Sports is happening, or not. No one knows what the hell is going on, least of all Dan. Did you know Maureen can play guitar? Surprise! She can’t. And now Dan is crying again.

Buckle up, SayWhovia. There’s a storm blowing in.

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It’s the height of summer, and Maureen has escaped to the woods for a week. It’s cool and green where she is. She swims in a pond, walks in the forest, buys backdoor food from hippies, and drifts around on an alligator. Dan, meanwhile, is below ground in Chicago, sweating away in the official Says Who basement. He’s fine too. For sure. He’s great. His neighbors have started an illegal, off-brand summer camp. That’s how good he is.

There’s been news this week, not that Maureen knows much about that. DoJo’s girlfriend took a plane, DoJo gets a temporary ban on twitter, the RNC was canceled… there’s many things to talk about. For instance, how tall is Thickie Checks? Can Maureen move into the walls of a barn? How many times can Maureen’s woodland internet go out in one recording?

But the real question is: What about the ball pits?

Come on in, SaysWhovia. The balls are fine. Wait.
 

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SaysWhovians, it is the dog days of summer, which is something someone said once. But it is summer, and there are dogs! Also, there is a clicking and some banging and honestly, did you hear that? No, that.

Anyway, despite the distractions and also the doom, always the doom, Maureen and Dan talk about... beans? There's a lot of bean talk, if we're being perfectly honest here.

And they also talk about Trump's interview with Fox News's Chris Wallace which didn't go quite as planned and the next thing you know Maureen is taking a test to measure her cognitive decline. What could go wrong.

Says Who is made possible by you, through your support of our Patreon at patreon.com/sayswho

Welcome to day oné̷͕̓ ḩ̶͎̈́ú̶̞̩̎ndȑ̷͖̭ě̶̼d̸̘̅͝ á̶̡̀̚n̴̪̥͒d ṭ̸̜̐͘wěnty̸̙͂ oŕ s̶͉͙̚ơmĕ̸̺͉̀țhīņ̵̡̪͌g of quarantine! Dan and Maureen want you to know they are fine. They’re great. Because they’re so great, they’re going to talk about cool, great things, like Trump wearing a mask one time and plans for school reopening. Because it’s fine.

Well, it’s not *fine*, but…

Maureen has a new friend she wants Dan to meet. His name is Thicky Checks. It’s a normal thing. But Dan insists that they need to talk about the reopening of Disney World. And for that, they’re going to need the help of Jurassic Park expert Steven Ray Morris. It’s time to talk dinosaurs, risk assessment, hidden tunnels, Tomorrowland, and whether or not you should do it just because you can.

Hold on to your butts.

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It’s Maureen this time. She’s had it. Her brain made like a firework and blew up in New York. She needs to relax, do a little yoga.

Dan’s on it. He wants to talk to her about Disney... and their reopening plans. Or books!... written by Trump family members. Or DoJo being, well, DoJo.

Dan yoga is the worst yoga. Namaste?

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What’s that? Oh, just some pre-Fourth of July fireworks. They happen every night now in New York. It’s festive! Maureen loves it. She loves the fireworks and how everyone is out in the street without a mask because everything is fixed now!

Wait, Dan is saying something. He’s saying things are not fixed. In fact, they are the opposite of fixed. He is pointing at a chart. Dan looks at charts a lot. And he keeps saying “wet holes.” It’s not okay.

Yes, Dan and Maureen are still inside, and they may be losing it. Also, Trump may have committed some light treason, there’s a rogue Conway, and we’re entering the second half of 2020… the difficult half.

Hold on to your butts, SaysWhovia. We’ll get through this together.

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