Says Who?

CONTENT ALERT: Maureen discusses the use of a diet tracking app and eating behaviors from minute 32:14 until 35:04.

Toot toot! It’s Says Who time, and there’s big news! Dan is going to be vaccinated! He’s excitedly preparing to go to Walgreens. Maureen is not up for her stick yet, but she has been to Walgreens, so who is the real winner here.

America gets back to normal,  ever so slowly, and that means a return to mass shootings. Which is tragic. Also, Roger Stone returns to the wild and Donald Trump has a big idea.

Nature is... well, if not healing, then it’s showing its strange, wild ass.

Hop in, Says Whovia. We’re going to drive past Walgreens.

Sent from my iPhone. I could be anywhere! Anywhere!

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Dan and Maureen have now been inside for a year. They like it in here. Outside is bad, and has teeth. Well, Maureen went out a little. She had to go to the doctor. She saw Times Square! She has been on an Adventure. Meanwhile, Dan has gotten his Biden Bucks and is now a fancy man. He’s all dressed up and in the basement, where he is content. They don’t know what they’re going to do when things get back to normal someday. Are these the before times?

Also, Maureen tells the story of a spooky hotel. She may actually know where the bodies are buried.

Sit down and get comfortable. This is a sleeper car.

Says Who is made possible by you, through your support of our Patreon at patreon.com/sayswho

*opens window* 

Oh, hello! It’s a warm and sunny day, and Dan and Maureen are feeling good. It’s almost springtime. There are vaccine appointments on the horizon. People are getting their shots. Andrew Yang is going to be the next mayor of New York City…

Dan was saving that one for Maureen. Maureen is going to have to join the Yang Gang and move into a Tic Tok influencer house or something. He’s not sure. Maureen is unhappy about this, but she has news for Dan. Royal news. Also, she’s got all this loose milk powder from the quarantine supply, and it’s really gross. What do you do with COVID milk powder that’s been in the closet for a year in a loose bag? That is the question of the moment.

Because things seem . . . maybe . . . kind of good? Good-adjacent? Moving in the right way?

Anyway, Maureen has to go make Tik Tok with her new housemates. Here, hold this bag of milk.

Says Who is made possible by you, through your support of our Patreon at patreon.com/sayswho

*flips calendar page* Hey, we did it! It’s March! We made it one full year into the COVID lockdown! And Dan is… well, Dan is processing. He’s knows it’s March, but he doesn’t know what year. Maureen must break this to him.

It’s a SaysWhovian look back at a super duper weird year, and the strange, perpetual March that has everyone feeling ugggnnnhhhhnnnhhhhhhhh. Remember getting that first grocery delivery slot? Moving the furniture for working and schooling at home? Remember literally anything else?

Plus, CPAC unveils a literal golden idol, Cuomo is a no-no, vaccines are on the way…and Maureen has some weird stuff in a very loud paper bag.

It’s just a jump to the left, SaysWhovia, then a year of staying indoors to the right! *circles hips*

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It’s been a long winter, SaysWhovia. And a long fall. And summer. And spring. We’d all like to get away for a bit. And who deserves a break more than Ted Cruz? Texas should not be so cold. He needs a break. Thus was Ted’s Cancun Adventure launched, and yes, Dan and Maureen are going to talk about it.

But that’s not the big story. The big story involves meat sizes, tiny bottles of ketchup, and big shrimps. Huge shrimps. It’s the most Says Who story of all time.

Also, Maureen ate too many apricots she found in the closet.

Please line up according to your boarding group, SaysWhovia. We’re taking off.

Says Who is made possible by you, through your support of our Patreon at patreon.com/sayswho

Dan is frozen inside of his house. Also, he has lost his mind a little. Things built up—homeschooling, work, the impeachment trial, and…TV lighting? Yes. TV lighting. Meanwhile, Maureen celebrated a quarantine birthday by doing laundry. Did we mention it’s cold? It’s cold.

At some point in the last week, an entire impeachment trial zipped by. Then Trump emerged from the grave and Mitch McConnell pulled some dirtbag moves. The ghost of 2020 lives on. You can see it, moving between the frozen shadows.

Get under this blanket, SaysWhovia. Stick together for warmth,

Says Who is made possible by you, through your support of our Patreon at patreon.com/sayswho

Dan’s made some bad choices. Let's discuss them, together. 

Says Who is made possible by you, through your support of our Patreon at patreon.com/sayswho

Welcome to February, the first Trump-free month! It is . . . making Dan very nervous. He cannot sleep. He is twitching. He cannot adjust. Also, he has twenty-nine jobs and twenty-eight of them might be impeachment-related.

Maureen is fine! And she wants Dan to be fine too. She will explain how to be fine. The first step is working out the difference between a Big Juicy Impeachment and a Lil’ Donut Impeachment. Will Trump make a stand? Will there be witnesses? What will happen?

Dan is still not feeling great, even after listening to Rudy getting chewed out by Steven Bannon.

SaysWhovia, Dan needs our help. Everyone clap for Dan! Clap him back to life! He’s got a big week coming up! We all do!

Big Juicy!

Says Who is made possible by you, through your support of our Patreon at patreon.com/sayswho

Just kidding. But it is definitely a better start than last week, when Donald Trump was in the final, weird days and hours of the presidency he won by collecting the most white nationalists. Dan and Maureen are adjusting to this new, somewhat slower life, where we don’t have to check Twitter every sixteen seconds in case Trump made a raccoon the Secretary of Defense during a midnight tweet storm. Now it’s just normal, slow politics.

Sort of! There’s still IMPEACHMENT 2: NOW WITH MORE PEACH. Rudy is being sued for a BILLION DOLLARS. The Conways are somehow much, much worse.

But first, let’s talk about feet. More specifically, Maureen’s, which are ok.

Time moves slowly in this new reality, so there’s a lot more time to let the weird stuff sink in.

Says Who is made possible by you, through your support of our Patreon at patreon.com/sayswho

It’s happened. It really, really happened. Trump is gone. He got on a plane and flew away. Dan and Maureen are . . . trying to process. 

This is new territory. How do you watch the news without screaming? How do you look at Twitter without flinching at the word BREAKING? How do we live in a reality that is changing every moment, like a room full of monkeys is controlling the switches? HOW DO WE FUNCTION NOW? HELP US.

Also, someone else has just moved into the White House and she’s very excited.

Come out of your houses, SaysWhovia! It’s time! Wait, actually don’t! There’s still COVID!

We’ll get there.

Says Who is made possible by you, through your support of our Patreon at patreon.com/sayswho