This week we are hunting for invisible killers in a crowd while we discuss “Unrequited”! We’re talking the Ur-Widow and Invisi-vet, how unconcerned Scully is about witnesses bleeding from the eyes, Skinner being forced to sell Mr Potato Head memorabilia (and being really mad about it), Ella’s rightful hatred of ‘in media res’ openers, and Skinner standing in front of a flag, contemplating ‘MERICA and then driving off into the sunset in a pickup truck. We’re not exaggerating it, that was the tone of this episode. We talk how exciting it is that Mulder isn’t creeping on Marita this time, how people that are being paid to write for TV should probably be able to write a script unassisted, Kindergarten Generals, and why we had to watch the cold open in its entirety twice. But truly, we spend so much time talking about Mr Potato Head. We can’t explain it either.

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This week we’re wading through this bleakly romantic night while we discuss “Kaddish”! We’re talking how the villain just looks like a composite image of a police sketch of a serial killer, work on a name for Scully’s insane theories (Scully’s Silly Science Time? It’s a work in progress…), Mulder flying out the window like a fast-food napkin, how the golem is the perfect man (he’s very romantic and he kills Nazis!), boarding the Howie train once again, and Racist Kinko’s, which for legal purposes is a joke. Amanda redeems herself by clocking the bad guy’s rancid vibes right away, Ella plans on her Russian doll Easter egg hunt, Mulder gets really really sad about an ill-fated wedding, and we have a romantic scaffolding alert! And: Mulder really needs to get his center of mass straightened out. We are always saying this. Check the tapes.

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This week we are busy sobbing over Scully, but we make the time to discuss “Memento Mori”! We’re talking the Scully family punch card for this hospital, Mulder carting in an entire desk to say sorry, the not-so-triumphant return of the lesbians (!!!), Scully having telltale symptoms of TV Disease, the tenderest of all tender forehead smooches, The Lone Gunmen being the sexiest boys in Washington, and then derail our episode for about 10 minutes while Amanda has a real Bearenstein/Bearenstain Bears moment. We don’t know what happened, guys. We meet (and immediately despise) Bill Scully Jr., talk about Chris Carter leaping onscreen to stop David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson from smooching, discover that CSM definitely stole macaroni art from the Mulder family trash, and advocate for Teena and Margaret to get married. And remember: people who love each other carry each other’s ova around in test tubes.

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This week we are being forced to go on vacation while we discuss “Never Again”! We’re talking our main girl Dana Scully and this other guy… Florks… Mailder? (We think?), how Scully and Skinner both have jealous, misogynistic paranormal entities cockblocking them, finally address the all-important question of why Scully does not have her own desk, how unfair it is that Scully can’t let loose even one time and how she deserves to have a murderer boyfriend, damn it! We get sad about Glen Morgan and James Wong’s last episode, wallow in the impeccable vibes of the tattoo scene, laugh at Mulder’s spiritual journey, Amanda issues more notes app apologies, Ella cannot pronounce ouroboros to save her life, and point out how silly it is that Scully and Ed end up sleeping in separate beds fully-clothed. Come on, 1997. You’re better than this. Scully is not the first woman to pull the “I’m a doctor” card to get a man’s shirt off, and she won’t be the last.

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This week we are up to our ass in alligators while we discuss “Leonard Betts”! We’re talking about why nobody in Wisconsin watched this episode, the out-of-character decision for Mulder to not be into goo, the gnarly practical effects (Thanks, Toby!), our new favorite character Grexit, really upsetting plot revelations, and the simplicity of “I’m sorry, but you have something I need”. We ensure that Vince Gilligan will never listen to the pod by doing some awful impressions for a while, complain about Chuck: the king of digital images, wonder whether freak snakes eat their own skin, and do some Superbowl scene setting. And finally: Leonard Butts? Is this anything? Anyone? Anyone? No?

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This week we are brushing up on our Spanish skills while we discuss “El Mundo Gira”! We’re talking about how obviously God curses the man that comes between two brothers which excuses murder every time, how Jonathan Shabonathan just might be a new Howie, try to figure out exactly what kind of energy Agent Lasano is bringing (it’s An energy, we’re just not sure what kind), and debate whether or not the acting in this episode is really that bad (spoiler: it is). We get excited about the arrival of our main hombre El Chupacabra, get confused about the very roundabout storytelling, cheer on Mulder’s cryptid-splaining, and get excited about Tuco Salamanca showing up. Vive El Chupacabra!

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This week we are sadly dunking basketballs in one shot (but in a sisterless kind of way) while we discuss “Paper Hearts”! We’re talking all the very intentional Breaking Bad references, the return of our main man Reggie Perdue(!!!), Mulder having Main Character Syndrome, cheer on Teena forgetting things as she is so wont to do, and find out that Will Graham really could have used a Scully to keep him on track. We berate Mulder for breaking into his mom’s house all the time, demand the release of the Gilligan cut which is just the four hours of Scully and Skinner yelling at Mulder that they so cruelly withheld from us, and look at the tough world of serial killer-exclusive apartment leasing. The burden we bear recognizing how hot Gillian Anderson is is heavy and never ending, but we’ll do our best to keep on going.

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This week we completely disregard our own quarantine order so we can get on a flight to Florida/New York/Canada/North Dakota while we discuss “Terma”! We’re talking the Teena method of dealing with trauma, our DNR order if we get infested with a nest of worms, Skinner angrily recapping the plot to our delight, Mulder and Krycek’s endless cycles of violence (it’s a real chicken and egg situation), struggle to come up with a cohesive name for the Clip-Clop Gang/Russian Diamond Dogs/Russian Emerald Horses(??), and how Russian women just love nursing Mulder back to health like a baby bird. We laugh at Mulder’s inspirational sports speech, mourn Krycek’s lost left arm, discover how easy it is to escape from a Siberian gulag, hate on Wall Guy and every other secondary character in the episode, and really try our damndest to piece together what’s going on in this one. And remember, folks: Don’t give away your one good shiv to a confused American, no matter how cute and tall he is. It’s just not worth it.

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This week we are outrunning Russian horses and juggling an alien meteorite like a hot potato while we discuss “Tunguska”! We’re talking Scully giving two middle fingers to Congress or her version of that which is staring sternly, our Canadian hero the US Customs official, our long-lost skeleton in a leather jacket Alex Krycek being back (half of us are very excited), how this is definitely not the first time Skinner has had a man handcuffed to his balcony, Mulder taking Krycek to Russia in a pet carrier, and our love for the horse-riding whip-wielding Russian guards. Ella flexes her beginner-level Russian Duolingo skills, Amanda fails to recognize another man because she is too busy hating a woman on a horse, we debate whether we’re feeling Mulder and Marita, and Mulder outruns two horses, because of course he does. Stupid-ass haircut!

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This week we peer into CSM’s dry, desiccated heart (... or do we?) while we discuss “Musings of a Cigarette Smoking Man”! We’re talking Morgan and Wong having friendship bracelets, the “Trust No One” lighter, the embarrassing “Viva La Libertad” guy (Listen, buddy, it’s okay. We’ve all been there), baby Mulder seeing into the future and predicting the JFK assassination and Teena just forgetting, very very subtle moral decay, and then prove via astrology that this story is all fake. We’re talking the Lone Gunmen’s name being especially ironic this week, JFK sprinting through Texas like Forrest Gump, CSM ignoring a call from Saddam Hussein, very mean rejection letters, and how this episode is just 6 seasons of Better Call Saul vacuum-packed into one episode. For this very literary episode, we’ll leave you with everyone’s favorite quote from Henry IV: “Aaaaaaaah”.

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