Self-Defined Human Podcast

Let me give a quick recap about why you suck at piano, because I don't think this is a matter of lacking clarity. I think there's something else going on, so I want to throw it out here as a way of starting a conversation.

Here’s how you look at the problem

From your perspective, you have no time for piano because you need to spend all your time making money. But, you have ADHD, so no matter what happens, you're not capable anyway.

Now (according to you), the way to fix this is to:

* Get your life in order.

* Dedicate/block time for music.

* Work the calendar.

* Put in the reps.

* Get clarity, then money, and then ask for help.

And here’s how I look at it

I disagree. I think you’re wrong.

My diagnosis is that you have Perpetual Novice Syndrome (PNS):

* You’re afraid to screw up.

* You’re afraid to make a fool of yourself.

* You’re afraid to embarrass yourself.

* You’re comfortable where you are because you've found a familiar role.

* You don’t trust yourself.

* You don’t even like yourself.

It has nothing to do with money or time.

It has to do with the fact that you’re afraid.

You don’t want to be seen as someone who’s failing or screwing up. You don’t want to embarrass yourself, so you’ll just stay a novice forever.

But that’s OK with you because you enjoy being a novice and are comfortable with it. You even tell stories about it and try to recruit everyone else into going along with it.

See, that’s the most insidious thing about this virus: it makes you try to recruit everyone else into playing along with your nonsensical stories. It’s a horrendous disorder.

Treatment options

Unfortunately, there’s only one way to treat Perpetual Novice Syndrome and it’s NOT about putting in more reps.

What you need to do is get over your fears and be a failure (which you are, so you might as well come to terms with it). Then, we can move on and have real conversations about interesting things instead of this b******t.

—Michael

P.S. My offer still stands.

Here's the thing: maybe we're not ready for clarity. Maybe we should sit with the confusion for a bit longer.

Why rush through this? Why rush to a point where you know what to do next? Would that be based on anything, on what’s happening NOW? No, it would be based on idealizations about the future.

See, I don't think we've hit rock bottom yet. There’s an order to things, and I’m expecting that before we find clarity, we first hit rock bottom.

With your permission, I'd like to drive us further down towards rock bottom.

Where we are right now, does this feel like fun?

Do you feel light? Creative? Joyful? Optimistic? Hopeful?

Those are the feelings I’d expect if we were at a point where clarity would emerge. There would be creative optimism.

But, right now, I’m feeling heaviness.

I’m assuming it feels the same way to you. I could get all metaphysical about it, but we're part of an interconnected system. So, my feelings will be mirrored somewhere in your feelings.

So, let me be a mirror for a second.

Here’s what I see when I look at you.

You're used to the heaviness

It's comfortable to you, familiar.

You like being overworked.

You like being too busy.

You like having no time.

It gives you a way to externalize your failure.

It reminds you of school

You know that, in school, you could have done better if only you had applied yourself. But, you didn't apply yourself because there was just “too much work” and “too little work ethic”. It’s not your fault.

OK, fine.

But…you like it. You’re comfortable with that role. It’s a familiar, feel-good story. Satisfying, like comfort food.

You even have a familiar script (I’ve heard you recite it more than once) about how lazy you are and how much you disapprove of yourself and how much better things are going to be in the future once you finally get your s**t together.

I see what you’re doing but I'm not buying it.

Your s**t was never together and it never will be.

Your destiny lies elsewhere. You’re not the kind of person who’s going to get their s**t together. I’m sorry to tell you. If it hasn’t happened by now, what are the chances it’s going to happen? Might as well accept it.

(And please, even though I’m right, don't tell me you agree with me. Don't praise my writing. It makes me a little nutty. If you want to make me happy, talk shop with me.)

My offer

If you’d like to have a clarity-seeking conversation about piano, hit me up. No charge. I can't promise clarity and I can't promise I’ll be nice or tell you what you want to hear, but I'll show up and give what I can give. I won't try to sell you anything (unless the conversation goes in that direction organically).

—Michael

Lately, I’ve been asking a bunch of people, “how’s it going with piano?”, and by far, the most common answer is “It’s not, sadly! Been insanely busy lately but it’s all good!”

Since I’m a piano teacher, you may think I’ve some particular reaction to that answer. I don’t know, but I’m not judging it. I don’t think it’s a bad answer, but I do want to know where it’s coming from.

I want to know what this conversation even is.

So, let me if I’m following this.

Piano used to be important to you but now it’s not.

Or, maybe I should say:

You used to NOT be too busy for piano and now you’re too busy.

To be clear, this isn’t some kind of Jewish guilt trip. It might be true that you’ve got other things going on that are more important than piano. So, I’m not saying piano should be the most important thing. Nor am I saying it should be important at all.

But, I want to understand what’s going on because something’s not adding up.

For example, if a personal trainer were to ask, “how’s it going with your working out?”, you wouldn’t say “I’m too busy to exercise.” At least, you wouldn’t say it without some kind of shame, with a straight face.

Or, if a doctor were to ask you “how’s it going with that cancer treatment?”, you wouldn’t say “tbh I’ve been more focused on making money lately, but thanks for asking.”

So, why is it socially acceptable to be too busy for piano but not too busy for your health?

Now, I’m not saying it shouldn’t be socially acceptable to be too busy for piano. I don’t think piano is as important as your health. But, if it’s not important, why did you ever do it? Why would anybody ever do it? Why not just take that time you spend on piano and spend it on health?

I want to understand the difference.

Why is it easier to say—with a straight face—that you don’t have time for piano than it is to say that about health? Or, about relationships? Or money? Or vacations? Or religion? Or the environment?

I could make a whole list of things where you can’t say you don’t have time for them. And I could make a list where you can say that.

Piano’s on the second list. Why?

I want to understand the implications of this. What’s going on with society?

Ok, maybe that’s not entirely honest of me…this isn’t just a philosophical thing. I want to understand what’s going on in this conversation.

What’s the real conversation we should be having? Because I don’t think this is it. But, it seems to me we have to work through this one before we can get to the real one.

Help me out here.

—Michael

You suck at piano. It sounds like s**t when you play. I hate listening to it.

You mess up even the most basic things. But, you care more about not messing up than what it sounds like.

You don't care what it sounds like. You don't care about keeping a steady beat.

You care so much about doing it right that you're not willing to leave out notes, to make a decision, to have an opinion.

It's horrible and sounds worse because you care so much about doing it right, being a good student, getting a pat on the head or a gold star.

You don't care about the results of your actions. It's like you're cooking and don't care how it tastes. You say, "I followed the recipe."

"I was only following orders."

It's pathetic. You're self-absorbed and in denial.

You don't care about making it sound good with the pedal. You want to press the pedal down and say, "I pressed the pedal down. I'm doing it right." But, you don't care what it sounds like.

It would be impossible to sing along to your playing.

It’s not music. It's horrible. Do you get it???

Your friends and family are probably telling you it sounds good.

They're lying to you. But, that's OK because you're lying to them. You're telling them you're happy with it.

"I'm doing piano. Everything's great."

You're lying to me and probably lying to yourself. There's an aura of dishonesty around you. It's bad. Your playing is bad. Your character is bad. It's evil.

You're not willing to admit you care. You just want to stick your head in the sand. You're addicted to positivity. You don't care about reality.

You say "I like it this way" when you don't actually like it this way. I don't know how you look in the mirror.

You don't like it but you think you should like it. You say, "I'm just a beginner. This is the most I can expect. This is good for a beginner."

No, it’s not good for anybody (except for maybe a ROCK).

It's total b******t.

I don't know what else to tell you.

—Michael

You get that piano's hard, right? You're not going to master it overnight.

I know you've got other stuff going on, but I don't see how that's relevant. You're always going to have other stuff going on. It's been that way your whole life and it'll always be that. One project after the next.

Hold on. You’re hypnotizing me. Again.

Damn it. We need to back up.

Can we get more specific about where we're going here?

Like, let's take "piano" off the table. It's too big of a project. It's more of a lifetime journey, like "family" or "health". Not useful for this conversation.

Let's replace it with something more specific, like playing "All of Me" for your wife or whatever.

Btw, I'm not blaming you 100% for this mess we're in. I've allowed myself to be branded as the "piano" guy. But, it's not like you've been pulling your weight. So, we'll share the blame, 50/50.

Now, let’s talk about the division of responsibilities.

I'm doing my part by writing this email.

As for what you can do...

One possible action would be for you to reply and say "yes, Michael, I want to play All of Me for my wife or whatever."

Maybe you're ambivalent about opening Pandora's box with a step like that, but I'm on the same page. I don't know what would happen after that first step, but I think we need to find out. There's only one way to know.

Come on. You're on this list of your own free will. We should be having a back-and-forth here.

—Michael

The other day, I was chatting on Instagram with someone who didn't seem all that enthusiastic about piano (this is someone who’s been a client of mine).

I remarked that this lack of enthusiasm was why I didn't want to waste my time chatting about piano. In response, they sent the following message:

"In one of our early conversations about piano, you said something like piano is a lifetime journey. I don’t have the specifics, but I agree, piano is a similar to a vocation vs a job or hobby. It is a skill to be studied (even an elementary study) and practiced. Piano is definitely on my top 5 list of life endeavors."

OK, so my question is: do you think you're using our time well with that reply?

I’m a piano teacher. Is this a good use of my time? Is this a good use of your time? Even if we’re just two people, even if I’m not a piano teacher, is it still a good use of time?

Let me give an analogy.

Imagine you eat at a restaurant and you find a spider in your food. You say to the manager, "there's a spider in my food."

Manager: "Yes, there is."

You: "Can you do something about it?"

Manager: "Not now."

You: "It doesn't sound like you're enthusiastic about customer satisfaction."

Manager: "No, customer satisfaction is actually on our top-5 list of business endeavors. But, we view customer satisfaction as more of a long-term journey. It's something to be practiced. We're not going to get it right every time."

As a piano teacher, that’s what I’m hearing.

It’s like I’m the customer at the restaurant.

—Michael

P.S. I know I sound like a jerk in this email, but actually I agree with you. There's no urgency to "piano" and there shouldn't be. Let's get more specific. We should at least be talking about a Chopin nocturne or something like that, if you want to talk about urgency, about something we can do right now, before the end of our life. That’s the kind of thing I’d think would be a good use of time.

I got this reply to one of my emails a few weeks ago:

"As I indicated in one email, I have given up on playing piano for over 2 years except for playing it on CDs. It is far more enjoyable."

Let me give my reaction to that.

On the one hand, this sounds like a perfectly reasonable position, and based on conversations I've had, I'm guessing it applies to most people reading this email.

But, it puts me in a weird spot because...if you’ve given up on piano, what do we talk about then?

I want to ask some questions to get a sense of where this fits into your life.

Let's zoom out for a second.

What is the bigger picture?

Imagine, when you started playing piano, it was like you hired piano to do a job for you. To fill some role in your life.

What job did you hire piano to do?

After you fired piano, what replaced it?

Was it the CD player that replaced it? No, I don't think so.

I mean, even back when you started piano, you were smart enough to know that the easiest way to fill your house with music was always playing recordings. It was never piano.

So, the CD player isn’t a replacement for piano. That’s something else.

Now, you might be right. Maybe piano isn’t the answer. Maybe we should connect on something else.

But, I suspect this story has more to it.

Could we try to nail it down so that, at least, it’s a good story?

And if piano ends up being the villain in this tale, so much the better.

—Michael

I haven't written for a couple of weeks because I've felt like I have "nothing to say". Now, however, I'm forcing myself to write, and that’s risky.

I mean, what if you don’t care what I have to say?

But, here's the thing: I'm interested in what you’re doing.

Now, admittedly, you’re not on my mind all the time. It’s a once-in-a-while kind of thing. But, the fact is, your life is one of the things I'm interested in.

That said, I don't know you very well. I can only fill in so many blanks with my imagination.

So, let me give you some context about me, about my life.

I need money. I'm running out of money.

I'm not saying that to put pressure on you, to make you feel sorry for me, or to passive-aggressively take out my anger on you. I’m just trying to disclose my intentions.

I believe in transparency.

So, here's me being transparent.

(The truth is, I am trying to put some pressure on you. It’s not the pressure to pay me money, but something else. Honestly, I’m not sure how to articulate what it is, how to talk about it. That’s something I’m working on.)

Another thing going on with me is that I want to help you with piano.

But, some things need to happen first. For example, you have to be interested in piano and, right now, I get the sense you're not. That’s fair enough, but I can't help you until you are.

So, if you’re wondering why I’m professing to want to help you, while at the same time, not trying very hard to help you…I’m waiting for you.

I want to hear from you.

You’re wondering why I’m not posting piano articles? Why I’m just talking about me? That’s why: I don’t know where you’re coming from.

Piano’s a big topic. I’m not just going to start talking about “piano.”

Now, I'm willing to be patient. I'm willing to talk with you about other things. If piano isn’t the thing for you, I’ve got a cornucopia of topics: drawing, calligraphy, yoga, enlightenment, German diction, etc., etc., etc.

But, since piano is something in your past, and since the past has a funny way of not staying in the past, it's still there somewhere. It might be a good idea to stop ignoring it.

The other thing is this: I feel awkward talking about piano when we both know I've made money from teaching piano.

Is that a conflict of interest? I’m claiming to be just trying to educate the world, and yet, we all know in my past (and in my future), there’s money.

Now, I'm not saying that because I want you to reassure me I’m not doing anything wrong. I'm saying it because I want you to know me.

I want you to know me so that I can know you.

We’re going to have an exchange. It’s called “connection.”

What’s in it for me?

* The money.

* Knowing you.

* More interaction with the market (you).

What’s in it for you…?

Honestly, I don’t think I know you well enough to answer that.

The only thing I have to go on is that you signed up for this mailing list. I didn't pull you off the street. I was sitting here alone in my apartment and you showed up. There must be SOMETHING in it for you.

However you look at it, I want to thank you for being here.

—Michael

P.S. I suspect I have a lot to say to you and it may take time for me to catch up to myself. If you're feeling left out, you can interject at any point and maybe it'll help me sync up with you.

This is a strange episode but I kinda like it, so I’m putting it up here. It’s audio that was recorded on February 6, 2021. It was a livestream I did on Instagram where I was playing Donkey Kong Country 3 and talking about some stuff that had happened to me in the first year of the pandemic related to:

1. The music school I’d been playing at before the pandemic, and
2. A marketing group I’d joined that year.

The whole thing is a rant, but I hope it could be of interest to you if you’re a classical musician, a video game streamer, or if you’re in any way interested in online marketing or cancel culture. I bleeped out names because I don’t want this to be about names.

I think it works well as audio. You can watch the video on YouTube.

Hope you like it.

Lately, I’ve been a cheerleader for boundaries. That’s funny because the second episode of this podcast was called “Stop Setting Boundaries”. In this episode, I explain how my thinking has changed by reacting to Episode 2.

Timeline:

0:00:00 – Introduction
0:03:09 – Reacting to Episode 2: “Stop Setting Boundaries”
0:04:37 – Drama Triangle & The Empowerment Dynamic
0:08:00 – Boundaries let you have conversations
0:10:37 – How I look at boundaries these days
0:13:01 – “Violating” boundaries
0:14:49 – Topics on which I’ve demonstrated how to set boundaries
0:17:05 – Restraining order threat
0:18:08 – Being a Challenger
0:22:47 – Training your friends
0:24:29 – Virtue-signalling, being the bigger person
0:27:59 – “Accountability”
0:29:28 – Emotional issues
0:31:26 – Rosenberg Stage 2
0:34:18 – Jordan Peterson, responsibility
0:38:52 – Be explicit with the language
0:42:26 – It’s like a BPD thing
0:44:19 – Back to the list
0:46:06 – Teaching
0:46:22 – Friend zone
0:47:49 – “Michael, you’re acting like a victim.”
0:49:42 – I got derailed
0:52:37 – Back then I was all about acceptance
0:53:54 – Don’t say it to them
0:54:51 – You don’t need to justify
1:01:15 – Just stand still
1:04:18 – I wouldn’t even say any of that
1:07:57 – That’s it for this episode