Solo Parent

On so many levels, the life of a single parent can be heartbreaking, over and over again. After experiencing repeated hurts, it can be hard to believe that something good will come. Our focus this month is on courage and this week, on the podcast, Dr. Chip Dodd joins Robert and Kimberley to talk about having the courage to find the gift of hurt. 

Dr. Chip Dodd is the best-selling author of seven books including one which serves as a foundational tool for many of the things we do here at Solo Parent Society, called “The Voice of the Heart.” For over 30 years, Chip has poured his heart and experience in education into serving others. He is a counselor, mentor, speaker, author, a friend of ours, and he is committed to helping people know themselves better by living fully in relationship with each other and, ultimately, with God.  

So much fruit has come from Dr. Dodd’s work. In his book “The Voice of the Heart”, he shares that courage is the “gift of hurt” and, in order for each of us to reach that gift, we have to be willing to hurt. Dr. Dodd admits that finding the gift of hurt starts out very counter-intuitive. 

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Guests David and Helen Smallbone joined the Solo Parent Society podcast with Robert and Kimberly to talk about the importance of two essential communities for single parents: 

Cross-generational community and 

Habitual community.

These communities are significant. Cross-generational relationships are more than mother-daughter or father-son connections. The Bible is full of stories of the younger generation being mentored and taught by the older generation and we see countless examples of elders passing on wisdom. 

Anchoring relationships like these are so important particularly during times of struggle.

David and Helen Smallbone moved from Australia to the United States many years ago with no money, with their six kids and another one on the way. God used their most difficult circumstances and seemingly impossible season to build an incredible story and influence around the world. Helen homeschooled all seven of their children while David set out to provide for his family in the music industry. Fast forward to today and David manages his sons’ band, For King & Country, and daughter, Rebecca St. James, both who have had a profound impact on millions of people with their music.

But one of the most beautiful things about David and Helen is their commitment to love and care for the brokenhearted. Helen is raising dozens of animals on their farm, while working on a book, mentoring moms, and hosting a podcast for a ministry she leads called MumLife Community which is an incredible example of both cross-generational and habitual community. David meanwhile is a mentor and friend to Robert, and they walk together every week as a beautiful example of consistent community formed on purpose, by habit.

For the full show notes, tips and links go to SoloParentSociety.com

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Sometimes during our solo season, we just don’t know where we fit in. We feel like neighbors are talking about us, like we are walking on eggshells, like the places we once belonged are no more for us. Friendships and relationships we had before seem different now. It can be awkward not knowing how or where you fit in as a single parent. 

We hear often from single parents that they just don’t know where they belong anymore. And, unfortunately, there are some deep wounds that single parents have experienced from no longer feeling comfortable in communities they used to be part of, like church and small groups. 

As we consider how to fit into community as single parents, we may need to look at potential messages we may be sending to others that can create an abyss between us and them. We may need to consider some of the things we are telling ourselves. To begin to fit into community again and not feel so alienated, we need to develop some new strategies.

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Serving in your community can be a powerful way for families to remember they can make a difference. As single parents, we can feel busy and overwhelmed, and our lives may look different now, but we still have something to give. 

As we talk about community, Brian Myers, single dad of five kids, pastor, and leader of several non-profits with a heart for outreach shares more. Serving played a huge part in his solo journey. He was already in ministry and serving in the church world when he became a solo parent. His kids were already involved in serving with him from time to time, but God revealed to Brian during that time to have them do even more. Even if there were times the serving came from a sense of duty, obligation, or even some guilt, Brian saw God do something beautiful with it regardless of the motivation. 

The benefits of serving as a family allowed Brian to see attributes in each of his kids that were unique to them. He saw their strengths and he saw them change and grow. Where once there may have been selfishness, he saw kindness and selflessness develop. This didn’t happen every time but over time he saw the rewards that came with service and sacrifice and it compelled him to keep finding ways to give to others. And, serving together took their minds off their own circumstances. Being a single dad, Brian saw his kids dealing with life as a solo family. Serving became a way for them to forgot some of their struggles and build compassion for others. 

These benefits are why we talk so much about giving back as single parent families. Sometimes, though, our kids don’t see the benefit and push back. Brian shares that his kids were not always on board with serving with him. He would often disguise some of the service as opportunities for fun. 

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Our theme this month is community and what better place to start than talking about the community we create in our weekly Solo Parent Society groups. Life is so full of surprises as single parents, the last thing we may want to do is jump into something unknown with potential strangers and sharing. We hear from so many single parents that they love the idea of Solo Parent Society, but they’re scared to join. And this makes sense! After hurt, you want to guard your heart and it can feel uncomfortable. 

We know community is important. It can be very intimidating jumping into something out of our comfort zone. Who will be in the group? Will there be people with ulterior motives? 

Today we are taking a glimpse into what happens in our groups and what single parents can expect. When Solo Parent Society first started, our groups met in person in different places across the U.S. When Covid hit, our groups stopped meeting until one of our leaders, single mom, Elizabeth, approached Robert and asked about starting an online group. That was the beginning of a new way of doing things at Solo Parent Society. We now have online groups meeting, seven days a week, attended by single parents from all over the U.S., Canada, New Zealand, Uganda, London and more.   

What’s it like to join a Solo Parent Society group in person?

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Anxiety disorders affect 40 million adults and are the most common mental diagnosis in America. Dr. John Delony, best-selling author, mental health expert, host of “The Dr. John Delony show”, joins Robert and Kim to talk about how to calm anxiety. He has two doctorate degrees and over two decades of experience in counseling, crisis response and higher education. He is also part of the Dave Ramsey team of personalities. 

Dr. Delony shares that, “At its core, anxiety is our body telling us we are out of step relationally, that we are in a situation that isn’t safe, or that, as we look into the future, we cannot control what is coming next. It’s not a sign that we’re broken or that our brains are malfunctioning. It’s the other way around. It’s telling us that our brain is working great. It’s designed to tell us we are under a threat and we need to look at our entire universe to find out what is going on.” He also shares that cognitive dissonance is when we have two different competing thoughts or emotions at once. We might be reading scripture that tells us we are loved and accepted as we are while those around us are sending a different message. It can lead us to shut down. If you are experiencing cognitive dissonance, your body might sound an alarm. If we are surrounded by loving people but feel lonely inside, we may experience that dissonance and our brains will alert us. Anxiety can be the result of experiencing that difference. 

Many single parents experience chronic anxiety, so what is anxiety and how do we calm it?

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Each one of us has conflict in our lives right now in some way or another. Discovering how to have peace even during times of conflict is invaluable.

The word peace appears 237 times in the Old Testament. Peace is NOT the absence of conflict. It’s the sense of well-being during conflict. The Hebrew word translated as peace is shalom. According to Strong’s Concordance, shalom means completeness, wholeness, soundness, and welfare. It comes from the root word to make amends and make whole and complete. We are not running from conflict How do we find peace and wellness even during conflict?

In finding peace, there’s an action step. We can proactively make peace or seek it out. Oswald Chambers says we have to be active about kicking moods out of our lives, “Moods nearly always our rooted in some physical circumstance not in our true inner self. It is a continual struggle not to listen to the moods which arise because of our physical condition, but we must never submit to them for a second. We have to pick ourselves up by the back of the neck and shake ourselves. Then we will find that we can do what we were unable to do.” Peace is found in our internal selves and we find peace by shaping that, instead of our circumstances.

A great place to start In conflict is identifying what role we are playing and how that may be getting in the way of our peace. There are 3 roles associated with conflict. 

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Single parents can face a lot of chaos at home with their kids. Whether with siblings fighting, the struggle to maintain routine, or trying to calm the troops when everyone is tired or hungry, some days can feel like a pressure cooker. Our fuses can get short and our attitudes can escalate. What can we do, as single parents, to cultivate more peace at home, for ourselves and our kids?

We all want a peaceful environment at home but that can be difficult to create and to maintain while juggling so many things. We want our kids to have a sense of normalcy even with the messiness of being parented alone for anyone reason.

As parents, it is up to us to take responsibility for cultivating peace at home. We set the mood with our kids.

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Cultivating peace with our past is difficult but necessary. So, how do we find peace after experiencing hard things in our past?

Whether we are the ones that left a relationship and left scars in our wake, or there have been things done to us that we replay in our minds, the accusations of others and even the voices from our youth can be overwhelming. Things from our past play out loud in our present. The enemy loves to remind us of our failures and the pain of our past. We can feel bombarded by old tapes, and, when we are walking alone, we have nobody to help us refute them. 

All of us live with regrets and even lies from our past experiences that show up in our present lives. If we don’t deal with them, they will very likely repeat themselves. It isn’t fun to face hard, traumatic experiences or words spoken over us or things we have done. We’ve all done things we wish we hadn’t done or had done differently. To be free of them, there are steps we can take to experience peace.

Elizabeth Cole joins Robert and Kimberley to talk about this very thing. Elizabeth is familiar with the journey. Jake Smith of Plumline (goplumline.com) told her, “You can never just leave the past in the past. The past always affects your present if you aren’t dealing with it.” Old school philosophy might be to “get over it” or “just move on” but if we don’t deal with the past, it forms and shapes our present. 

“It shapes how you act, react, respond, and how you live your life because that’s what you are conditioned and trained to do based on your past experiences,” says Elizabeth. “Your body, your mind, and your emotions have been conditioned over time to protect you and to survive based on what you learned in the past. If you don’t bring those things into your future and look at it and dissect it and figure out what’s causing you to be who you are today, especially if you’re not happy with where you are today, you’re not going to move forward. A lot of growth can happen by addressing [your past].”

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It is important to be deliberate about growing but equally important is paying attention to the little steps that cumulatively make big changes.

Here are the questions we asked our solos that we discussed. Take time to reflect on your joinery and write down you answers. We would love to see your answers if you feel comfortable and post them on our social media pages. Email your answers to the questions to [email protected]

What are 2 areas that you recognize growth / accomplishments in your life in the last 12 months?

What has been the hardest area of growth for you?

What has been a surprising area of growth in your life in the last year?

What has circumstance has caused the greatest growth recently?

What area of life do you think God is growing you in right now?