Solo Parent

Discover the way ahead at Indiana Wesleyan University. Learn more here.

As a single parent, sometimes we can feel like there’s a wall between us and God because we believe we’ve failed and are a disappointment, so we see ourselves as unworthy. For some of us that have lost our spouse to death we may feel angry for God letting this happen. These things can lead to comparing ourselves to other people that seem to have it all together spiritually or otherwise.

Here is the good news, knowing God’s love can actually be more intimate during this solo season than in any other season, and it is the basis for everything we try to be about at Solo Parent Society.

Here are the 3 areas of focus that we employ at SPS that help us encounter God’s love.

Confession

Confession is expressing the good and bad - The doubts and praise. Ultimately it is about expressing with our mouths (or writing it down) our completely transparent and honest feelings. A few questions that might be helpful:

How do you feel when you think about coming into God’s presence?

What do you think he may be disappointed in?

Proud of?

If you were to name a feeling that my be creating a wall what would that feeling be?

The goal is to authentically be known in our most intimate state by God and at least one person and/ or a journal.

Absolutes

This is where we search out truth about what we have confessed. This could be as simple as a google search - “What does the bible say about anger/shame/doubt/ fear?” This step must take place AFTER we have transparently confessed what might be causing a wall between us and God. Whatever the wall is search scriptures about what God says about that.

Study what God promises to take care of and find evidence of His faithfulness in our lives. Write those promises down and post them on the wall - Example Isaiah 54:4-5.

Acceptance

Taking what we have uncovered in our heart - Confession - and what we discover in our head - Absolutes - now we need to incorporate into a life style.

One way is a remembering exercise.

Step 1. Remember

Practice remembrance by taking the time to list all of the ways God has worked in your life. Here are some helpful categories to write out some experiences:

Childhood

Teen years (middle and high school)

Early adulthood (18-25 years old)

Adulthood (25+ age)

Other areas like in motherhood/fatherhood, marriage, etc.

Step 2. Recognition

Practice recognizing all the small ways God works in your life every day. This is a daily practice of gratitude. For example, each day write down three things for which you are grateful. Try to not repeat yourself. Write down new things or new ways to express gratitude even about a recurring blessing. You will likely have to get creative, which can cause you to be more aware of where and how God is at work in your life.

Step 3. Repetition

Continually repeat these practices. This isn't a one-and-done. Go back to your lists and add to them. Ask God to reveal the ways He is at work around you so you don’t miss anything. Our busy lives can often distract us from what is most important. The old adage “Count your blessings” may seem trite or cheesy, but in the Solo season, this attitude can be strategic...

Discover the way ahead at Indiana Wesleyan University. Learn more here.

It can be overwhelming... conflicting, complicated and all consuming. 

Conflicting - Exciting and terrifying

Complicated - We are not just making decisions for ourselves, it effects my kids... potentially my ex.

All consuming - Making room to do this means I am sacrificing another area and I am already spread thin.

NOT TO MENTION finding a mate /or not is probably the biggest decision we will have to make.

3 elements to factor in as we consider dating again.

1. Identify where I am - self awareness

Name you fears, it brings freedom - with awareness brings healing

Name your feeling - its ok to be excited as much as afraid

Who am I - am I someone that someone would want to date?

What work do I still need to do?

What are scars - Replace the word 'baggage' with 'bonus'

What are hopes?

Give lots of grace - see this is not a one shot chance

2. Define what you are looking for, what we need and where you want to go

First of all when thinking about this don’t envision a specific person.

Create a check list - Write down what’s important related to

Career

Family - existing and or future

Age

Faith

How they treat people

How they treat their kids

Disipline

Kindness

Why do I want to be remarried?

         Companionship?

         Emotional stability?

         Financial stability?

What did you love about your last relationship

What are non negotiable

Pray - God, what am I missing?

3. Create Plan - Patience or proceed

Patience is self explanatory - and remember it is a season - you will not stay ‘in the waiting’... expand your friend group circle so loneliness doesn’t compromise the waiting.

Proceeding Check list

Pray - submit the conversations

If using a dating app

-Use caution - don’t put to much out there

-Take time

-Be completely honest

-Be patient

-Proximity

-Meet at public place

-Don’t let them in your house

-Set boundaries

-Be true to you

-Don’t move too quickly - Especially physically - Casual sex is anything but casual. It comes with burdens, shame and complicates healing and can create emotional confusion.

-How quick you introduce to kids - protecting kids from getting to attached

-Be open to new

Remember, to date or not to date is one of the most important decision we will face as a single parent and it deserves a carefully thought out position, and tons of prayer.

Visit donate.accessmore.com to give to help fund more episodes and shows like this.

We all want to love our kids well. Loving them while we are in a position of feeling broken and vulnerable can create problems - blind-spots. Sometimes we tend to spoil them, shielding them from life’s natural consequences because they have already had so much trauma. Or we can be triggered by seeing our ex in their behavior and inadvertently withdraw. Coming out of a relationship that leaves us with scars can leave us with  blind-spots related to how we see and give healthy love to our family.

Ultimately, we should parent our kids as God parents us. God parents us by investing in long term character over short term gratification.

Even with all good intentions, we can develop blind-spots in 3 primary areas.

-Overcompensating

Making sure our kids have the latest and greatest.

-Not giving consequences

Not holding them accountable for their behavior or choices.

-Crossing emotional boundaries

We can become either become dependent or the opposite we withdraw.

Not addressing any and/or all of these blind-spots can create long term ramifications for our kids. ( Narcissism, entitlement, or failure to adapt are examples of the mindsets that our kids will take into their future relationships, both personal or professional.)

In general, a good question to ask ourselves when we are facing any situation with our kids is a self-assessment - “Am I trying to make my child happy, or am I trying to do what’s best for my child?”

As single parents, we have so much other drama in so many areas of our lives, it is natural not to want to create more tension with our kids. Nevertheless, it is essential to address these blind-spots to create the most potential of our child’s future successful relationships.

-Overcompensating

Changing the way we look at things. God doesn’t give us everything we want. He is more interested in developing our character, which sometimes is hard. We need to continually self assess what our motivation is - are trying to make them happy or build character. We need to remind ourselves that ‘withholding’ their temporary relief or pleasure is a form of love.

-Not giving consequences

Overlooking behavior or making excuses for behavior might alleviate momentary discomfort, but it can create long term ramifications. What we permit now will grow. We need to be very clear about Ground rules and expectations (often in writing), and then be consistent and be willing to escalate consequences. That is equipping our kids to know that is how the world works. If we fall short, don’t give up… get back up and keep trying. Also, expect to be tested with harder and harder resistance… It actually means you are doing things right.

-Crossing emotional boundaries

It makes sense that our kids are the safest place to invest our emotions… or that things they do can trigger memories of our ex’s behaviors. We need to remind ourselves that these are human beings that need to see healthy love modeled. We are not in equal emotional places. So we need to seek outside adult friendships to process through the tough stuff and feel the intimate care of others. If we are prone to withdraw, schedule time to just being present. Go to where they are and what interests them, and just be there with them.

As single parents, it is natural to have blind-spots that looks a lot like love. We need to parent like God parents - paying attention to what is being build rather than immediate happiness. Being brave enough to disappoint - and always parent from a position of love, not fear or immediate gratification. REMEMBER, we were chosen to guide and mold the humans entrusted to us.

Join our community at Facebook.com/SoloParentSociety

We all want to love our kids well. Loving them while we are in a position of feeling broken and vulnerable can create problems - blind-spots. Sometimes we tend to spoil them, shielding them from life’s natural consequences because they have already had so much trauma. Or we can be triggered by seeing our ex in their behavior and inadvertently withdraw. Coming out of a relationship that leaves us with scars can leave us with blind-spots related to how we see and give healthy love to our family.

Ultimately, we should parent our kids as God parents us. God parents us by investing in long term character over short term gratification.

Even with all good intentions, we can develop blind-spots in 3 primary areas.

-Overcompensating

Making sure our kids have the latest and greatest.

-Not giving consequences

Not holding them accountable for their behavior or choices.

-Crossing emotional boundaries

We can become either become dependent or the opposite we withdraw.

Not addressing any and/or all of these blind-spots can create long term ramifications for our kids. ( Narcissism, entitlement, or failure to adapt are examples of the mindsets that our kids will take into their future relationships, both personal or professional.)

In general, a good question to ask ourselves when we are facing any situation with our kids is a self-assessment - “Am I trying to make my child happy, or am I trying to do what’s best for my child?”

As single parents, we have so much other drama in so many areas of our lives, it is natural not to want to create more tension with our kids. Nevertheless, it is essential to address these blind-spots to create the most potential of our child’s future successful relationships.

-Overcompensating

Changing the way we look at things. God doesn’t give us everything we want. He is more interested in developing our character, which sometimes is hard. We need to continually self assess what our motivation is - are trying to make them happy or build character. We need to remind ourselves that ‘withholding’ their temporary relief or pleasure is a form of love.

-Not giving consequences

Overlooking behavior or making excuses for behavior might alleviate momentary discomfort, but it can create long term ramifications. What we permit now will grow. We need to be very clear about Ground rules and expectations (often in writing), and then be consistent and be willing to escalate consequences. That is equipping our kids to know that is how the world works. If we fall short, don’t give up… get back up and keep trying. Also, expect to be tested with harder and harder resistance… It actually means you are doing things right.

-Crossing emotional boundaries

It makes sense that our kids are the safest place to invest our emotions… or that things they do can trigger memories of our ex’s behaviors. We need to remind ourselves that these are human beings that need to see healthy love modeled. We are not in equal emotional places. So we need to seek outside adult friendships to process through the tough stuff and feel the intimate care of others. If we are prone to withdraw, schedule time to just being present. Go to where they are and what interests them, and just be there with them.

As single parents, it is natural to have blind-spots that looks a lot like love. We need to parent like God parents - paying attention to what is being build rather than immediate happiness. Being brave enough to disappoint - and always parent from a position of love, not fear or immediate gratification. REMEMBER, we were chosen to guide and mold the humans entrusted to us.

Join our community at Facebook.com/SoloParentSociety 

Liberty University can help you get there. Learn more here.