Solo Parent

Some of us think that self love is only self serving. An incorrect belief that in order to parent well, our kid’s needs come before our needs, and often we over compensate. The problem is, we can’t give what we don’t have. Often we spend so much time focusing on other people we don’t spend enough time loving and caring for ourselves.

Self Love if often viewed as a reward or a special treat we give to ourselves... but it goes far beyond that. Love is an activity not a quality. Loving yourself requires more than just a mindset, it requires action.

3 keys to practicing self love can be broken into the following steps.

1. Mindset Reset

TRY THIS

- Right notes on bathroom mirror - reminding of who we are / our identity - Psalm 139

- Verbalize - say it out loud - say it till you believe - examples “I am worth taking care of, I am not my mistakes, I am not my past, I will live into my best days still ahead of me, God chose me to parent these kids - He will equip me.”

- Write down an inventory of what we have accomplished by ourselves

Above all - Give grace - metamorphosis takes time

2. Boundaries

Often we overcompensate for the hurt our kids have been through and let our boundaries down. Focus on establishing simple boundaries that provide margin to our lives.

With our kids -

Don’t take every phone call - let them know every question they may have is important - but there is a difference between important vs immediate - Have them start to discern if the question they have is urgent and requires an immediate answer or if maybe they could text vs phone call or even write things down to bring up later.

Create Space - be deliberate in carving out alone time. Let them know that everyone has a need for space and teach / model what that looks like next time you are asked “can I sleep in your bed”.

With our Ex / Family / Friends

Get out of volatile conversations. Ask for schedule changes etc. to be put in writing.

Express appreciation to our ex or family members for wrestling with trying to do the right thing. Deescalate.

Don’t say yes to every opportunity. Protect your time and remember saying ‘yes’ to something means saying ‘no’ to something else.

Prioritize time with ‘life giving’ relationships

3. Fill your cup

Do things that bring you joy

Cooking, Gardening, Painting, Reading

Try something new - allow yourself to pursue something exciting.

Don't be afraid to ask for help create space - trade time with other single parents.

Do things that you can complete, even as simple as making the bed.

Remember: Self love is not selfish. If we don’t do it for us, do it for our kids because we cant give what we don’t have. When I enrich my own life, I’ll be life-giving to others too.

Join us on Facebook - Facebook.com/SoloParentSociety - You are not alone!

Liberty University can help you get there. Learn more here.

Liberty University can help you get there. Learn more here.

Some of us think that self love is only self serving. An incorrect belief that in order to parent well, our kid’s needs come before our needs, and often we over compensate. The problem is, we can’t give what we don’t have. Often we spend so much time focusing on other people we don’t spend enough time loving and caring for ourselves.

Self Love if often viewed as a reward or a special treat we give to ourselves... but it goes far beyond that. Love is an activity not a quality. Loving yourself requires more than just a mindset, it requires action.

3 keys to practicing self love can be broken into the following steps.

1. Mindset Reset

We have to start resetting how we view self love. Understanding that loving ourselves well brings value to how we love our kids. Self love = loving our kids

It requires committing to making this a priority

Give grace, not putting so much pressure on ourselves - be patient - a mind reset wont happen overnight

TRY THIS

- Right notes on bathroom mirror - reminding of who we are / our identity - Psalm 139

- Verbalize - say it out loud - say it till you believe - examples “I am worth taking care of, I am not my mistakes, I am not my past, I will live into my best days still ahead of me, God chose me to parent these kids - He will equip me.”

- Write down an inventory of what we have accomplished by ourselves

Above all - Give grace - metamorphosis takes time

2. Boundaries

Often we overcompensate for the hurt our kids have been through and let our boundaries down. Focus on establishing simple boundaries that provide margin to our lives.

With our kids -

Don’t take every phone call - let them know every question they may have is important - but there is a difference between important vs immediate - Have them start to discern if the question they have is urgent and requires an immediate answer or if maybe they could text vs phone call or even write things down to bring up later.

Create Space - be deliberate in carving out alone time. Let them know that everyone has a need for space and teach / model what that looks like next time you are asked “can I sleep in your bed”.

With our Ex / Family / Friends

Get out of volatile conversations. Ask for schedule changes etc. to be put in writing.

Express appreciation to our ex or family members for wrestling with trying to do the right thing. Deescalate.

Don’t say yes to every opportunity. Protect your time and remember saying ‘yes’ to something means saying ‘no’ to something else.

Prioritize time with ‘life giving’ relationships

3. Fill your cup

Do things that bring you joy

Cooking, Gardening, Painting, Reading

Try something new - allow yourself to pursue something exciting.

Don't be afraid to ask for help create space - trade time with other single parents.

Do things that you can complete, even as simple as making the bed.

Remember: Self love is not selfish. If we don’t do it for us, do it for our kids because we cant give what we don’t have. When I enrich my own life, I’ll be life-giving to others too.

Join us on Facebook - Facebook.com/SoloParentSociety - You are not alone! 

Liberty University can help you get there. Learn more here.

As single parents, sometimes our schedules and all the tactical things we have to get done can eat up our time and suddenly we find that we don’t have time for God. We can get disconnected from a sense of spiritual balance and lose our sense of belonging. Often, we may not feel connected to anything, which can make us isolate even more.

There are many things that can create a disconnection from God. Sometimes we go to other people or things for our security and connection point. We can create idols without even realizing it. Sometimes we feel forgotten, broken and end up feeling nothing. We can feel so damaged that we wonder so why would anyone want us and that we are a disappointment to God. So we wonder where we do we even fit anymore. 

So how do we get back to the place of finding true spiritual balance or alignment – for some of us maybe for the first time.

Spiritual balance isn’t just about memorizing Bible verses. It’s about true connection. This comes from embracing two components:

Spiritual identity is working toward connection based on whose we are. It’s operating from our actual identities instead of the false identities we tend to create.

Before we became physical beings, we were actually spiritual beings. We’re a soul with a temporary body. As we grow up, the we take on new identities based on how the world sees us.  An identity built from shame, burden, performance, family, career, etc. All of these physical and emotional things can become our identities. They cover up the real “you” – who God created us to be.

We start letting the physical and emotional things become our identities, but they aren’t healthy identities.

When those things are taken away, it’s extremely uncomfortable. We don’t know who we are anymore. But God wants us like this – He wants us dependent on Him instead of those other things. Those things aren’t as important as we think they are. Those things being taken away can be the most important thing to ever happen to us. The reason for that is God wants us to know His love is based on who we are, not what we do. We are deeply loved daughters and sons.

This is our true identity.

Keeping your true identity front and center can be difficult. Some ways to do this are:

Writing affirmations or reminders of who we are and posting them around the house and office. Or just speaking the truth out loud. These can combat the lies that are always flying around.

Once we are more in tune with who we are, we can begin to open ourselves up for Spiritual Connection. But we have to create intentional space to do this – schedule your priorities.

Once we create space in our schedules, it’s important to learn the ways we connect.

Connection can happen in journaling as a prayer to God and being completely vulnerable with Him. Another is through worship music. Meditation, visualization and being still can also help us connect in a deep way.

If you’re just starting off and need to take a first step, start by being more still. Lean in and ask God to show you what He’s trying to teach you in this time of growth and learning. God is glorified in your weakness and He will make all things perfect. Focus on getting to the core of your spiritual identity and then find intimate connection.

Facebook.com/SoloParentSociety

Liberty University can help you get there. Learn more here.

As single parents, sometimes our schedules and all the tactical things we have to get done can eat up our time and suddenly we find that we don’t have time for God. We can get disconnected from a sense of spiritual balance and lose our sense of belonging. Often, we may not feel connected to anything, which can make us isolate even more.

There are many things that can create a disconnection from God. Sometimes we go to other people or things for our security and connection point. We can create idols without even realizing it. Sometimes we feel forgotten, broken and end up feeling nothing. We can feel so damaged that we wonder so why would anyone want us and that we are a disappointment to God. So we wonder where we do we even fit anymore. 

So how do we get back to the place of finding true spiritual balance or alignment – for some of us maybe for the first time.

Spiritual balance isn’t just about memorizing Bible verses. It’s about true connection. This comes from embracing two components:

Spiritual identity

Spiritual connection

Spiritual identity is working toward connection based on whose we are. It’s operating from our actual identities instead of the false identities we tend to create.

Before we became physical beings, we were actually spiritual beings. We’re a soul with a temporary body. As we grow up, the we take on new identities based on how the world sees us. An identity built from shame, burden, performance, family, career, etc. All of these physical and emotional things can become our identities. They cover up the real “you” – who God created us to be.

We start letting the physical and emotional things become our identities, but they aren’t healthy identities.

When those things are taken away, it’s extremely uncomfortable. We don’t know who we are anymore. But God wants us like this – He wants us dependent on Him instead of those other things. Those things aren’t as important as we think they are. Those things being taken away can be the most important thing to ever happen to us. The reason for that is God wants us to know His love is based on who we are, not what we do. We are deeply loved daughters and sons.

This is our true identity.

Keeping your true identity front and center can be difficult. Some ways to do this are:

Writing affirmations or reminders of who we are and posting them around the house and office. Or just speaking the truth out loud. These can combat the lies that are always flying around.

Once we are more in tune with who we are, we can begin to open ourselves up for Spiritual Connection. But we have to create intentional space to do this – schedule your priorities.

Once we create space in our schedules, it’s important to learn the ways we connect.

Connection can happen in journaling as a prayer to God and being completely vulnerable with Him. Another is through worship music. Meditation, visualization and being still can also help us connect in a deep way.

If you’re just starting off and need to take a first step, start by being more still. Lean in and ask God to show you what He’s trying to teach you in this time of growth and learning. God is glorified in your weakness and He will make all things perfect. Focus on getting to the core of your spiritual identity and then find intimate connection.

Facebook.com/SoloParentSociety 

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With all the demands of raising kids on our own with less than optimal resources, money and time it is VERY easy to become mentally overwhelmed. To work towards emotional / mental balance it is important to identify two categories to focus on.

• Things we have control over

• Things we don’t have control over

When we face unpleasant situations it is natural to react with anger, worry, fear, anxiety etc. Finding emotional balance helps us to attain flexibility and promotes stabilization between our mind and body. In other words, emotional balance teaches us how to respond to negative emotions and thoughts without just getting stuck in them.

The most important component to mental or emotional health we have complete control over - our perspective. Defining the correct perspective dictates our quality of life and is the root what we model for our kids, of how we communicate and experience every encounter and thought

It starts and ends with this - God is in control - nothing has caught him off guard. We are constantly surprised - He is never. And He can be trusted with wellbeing and our ability to face anything we are facing.

That being, there are things we can do that will bring balance to our emotional / mental state. First, let’s identify things that we do have control over. They might be mundane things like - feeding the kids, being fully present, showing up to work, how I speak to my ex , finding community, pausing / meditation and then there are the more internal things like choosing the right perspective, being grateful, giving ourselves grace or pursuing humor.

A recent healthline article offers some different approaches.“The less-dominant side of your brain is the area that controls feelings of self-confidence and optimism. When you think about something other than your daily worries, you increase activity in the neural structures of that area of your brain.

Reading - Beyond the mechanics, reading helps you visualize the subject matter on the pages before you, and imagine what voices sound like in the written dialogue. it can stoke the imagination and ignite so many different parts of the brain.

Be positive with yourself Positive affirmation is one avenue to increased mental proficiency.

Play games - Games that test reasoning and other portions of your brain are fun ways to keep your mind sharp. (Even video games)”

Now let's tackle the harder side of mental balance - things we have no control over: That might be our ex’s behavior, the complexities of day to day, unexpected issues - kids being sick, people's perception of what caused the divorce or how we are parenting.

Here is what Psychology Today says this about facing things beyond our control. “When you find yourself worrying, take a minute to examine the things you have control over. You can't prevent a storm from coming, but you can prepare for it. You can't control how someone else behaves, but you can control how you react. Recognize that, sometimes, all you can control is your effort and your attitude. When you put your energy into the things you can control, you'll be much more effective.”

We have found these questions helpful. When facing things that we may have little or NO control over ask yourself:

What am I actually feeling? anger, disgust, fear, happiness, sadness, or surprise

What can I learn? Prayer - God, what are you teaching me?

Whats the next right thing / response?

What am I grateful for?

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