Spaces Between

I’ve been thinking a lot about individual and collective shadow. How do we keep our hearts open during dark times? We all must become closely acquainted with our shadow or dark side. 

Each of us has a dual nature: we are light (conscious) and dark (unconscious). The dark side of our personality—the “other,” the shadow side—is made up of what we think is our primitive, primal, negative impulses—our “existential kink.” Our existential kink also drives the dark or negative repeating patterns in our life: always choosing the abusive partner or boss, settling for less, thinking that we’re undeserving, not worthy. But it also is the source of our greatest power.

I do a deep dive into Carolyn Elliot’s book, Existential Kink, which offers a truth-telling guide for bringing our shadow into the light. Inviting us to make conscious the unconscious, Elliott asks us to own the subconscious pleasure we get from the stuck, painful patterns of our existence.

The predominant theme for me in 2023 was transitioning to becoming a mother and how that impacted all areas of my life. The most profound initiation, unraveling of my old self, and opening to the fiercest love that I’ve ever experienced. The deep vulnerability in that. The expansion and contraction of my heart from current world affairs and the climate crisis. To a deep commitment to keeping my heart open to all of it.

“Since Auschwitz we know what man is capable of. And since Hiroshima we know what is at stake.

Human kindness can be found in all groups, even those which as a whole it would be easy to condemn.” 

The salvation of man is through love and in love.”

-Viktor E. Frankl  

Humanity feels like it is on a precipice and that we are in the eye of the storm collectively.  I understand that humanity has experienced 200,000+ years of war, but these times feel particularly charged right now.  In this episode I talk about:

• Whether or not humanity can ever live in a peaceful way, or if it is naive to even ask that question?
• Is part of being human, being violent on some level?  Whether that means violence with our thoughts, speech, energy, and behaviors?
• My thoughts on "evil" and I discuss my feelings on darkness in the individual and collective.  
• The need for each of us to heal our own inner wars which become outer wars.
• How can we all soften and live more from our hearts versus ego righteousness, pain, and reactivity
• Love is the answer to our evolution
• I believe the alternative is going to be catastrophic globally

I sit down with Psychotherapist and Journey Clinical KAP provider, Holly Forman. We discuss Holly’s decision to have a home birth, the balance of preparation and surrender, and ultimately birthing a new version of yourself.    We discuss:   

• The similarities of psychedelic journeys and birth
• Women advocating for themselves, gaining knowledge about the birthing process, and not feeling like you have to give your power away
• The balance of preparation and complete surrender to the unknown
• Humans fear what they don’t know
• Birthing yourself
• How as humans we often want to avoid the wild, raw, messy, and painful sides of life
• How important integration is after birth and a psychedelic journey
• Ketamine therapy
• Internal Family Systems 

In this episode back, after an almost 9 month hiatus from podcasting, I explore my experience birthing a human. The big tears of overwhelm and joy shed in the postpartum period, as well as my feelings around the often bullshit narratives around motherhood.   In this episode I explore:

• The humility and surrender that I experienced both with birth and new motherhood
• Embracing the total unknown and liminal spaces between
• Women stepping fully into their power and not overriding their deep intuitive knowing
• The deep feminine wounding that still continues to play out amongst mothers (Insert judgment and shaming)
• Gifting yourself compassion and forgiveness as a new mom
• The death of self and your old identity and how it's not linear
• My big feelings on privilege and resources in this country for new parents
• The desperate need for more postpartum care for families
• The overwhelming amount of opinions when you become pregnant and then have the child
• The impact of having a baby on your relationship
• A deep and wild connection to the life cycle

I decided to write this episode on the very last leg of my third trimester in pregnancy . I have had the most illuminating experience of what living in the “Spaces Between” in life really means.

It is a potent energetic space which is both awe inspiring and completely overwhelming. To fully surrender to the unknown or attempt to control how you think life is going to unfold.

The only life experience that I can compare it to - is the passing of my mother at 17 years old. It is impossible to know or intellectually understand the full magnitude of a major life transition. All of us humans have gone through them in birth, death, marriage, divorce, illness, etc.

It is my intention in this episode to open up a conversation of how to approach these life situations with more presence, mindfulness, and ability to feel into these spaces. Versus our society which tends to shy away and avoid the large tidal waves of emotions that come with them.

In this episode I sit down and have a conversation with my personal couples therapist, Christine Mourad, who is one of the most skilled and brilliant therapists I have worked with. It's been some time since my last episode, "I See You In Me", but I have not stopped pondering the necessity of creating safety, empathy, and compassion in our personal relationships which extends outward in society.     We cover:

• Giving yourself a big fat spoonful of grace, realizing you are a work in progress, and not a fully realized being.
• The importance of self compassion.
• Sensing into the body and letting go in the body.  
• The balance of "not always excavating the root causes" of our reactions but being mindful to not bypass difficult feelings.
• The sacred ground of holding space for ourselves and another in a relationship to be fully alive.
• Establishing safety in relationships and what that really means.
• The evolution in "moving forward" and growth in a relationship - both as individuals and as a couple.
• There needs to be space for anger and conflict.
• What's getting in the way in your relationships? Family of origin issues?  Trauma?  Not accessing the wise adult but living in a state of the adaptive child?
• We are born attached, we are born to attach, part of being in our full selves is to be connected and belong.  In our true selves - that doesn't mean we will get everyone's approval - but we need to feel connected and belong to feel whole.
• Psychedelic Therapy
• Our feelings as therapists about the fast food approach of coaching and therapy on social media. 
• How trauma can stop life from unfolding and flowing.  

Recently I have been thinking about the deep divide in the U.S. After my last interview with Dr. You and our discussion of feeling rage, sadness, and hopelessness during these times... I decided I needed to look at how I contribute to the divide.  In my interview with Dr. You, I brought up how I believe that self compassion, and compassion in general, are the missing links to the evolution of this country.  In this talk, I reference three brilliant female psychologists, who have done their own research on the benefits of engaging in self compassion to create a more compassionate world.     In this talk I explore:

• The intergenerational trauma, oppression, and patriarchy that needs to be looked at and deeply felt.
• One of the only ways to heal is to feel our rage, fear, and anxiety...but to hold it compassionately and with presence.  
• Most of us operate from the limbic part of the brain, which is a bottom up response of survival and reactivity.
• We need to learn how to have a top down response of self regulation, soothing, and pause from the frontal cortex.
• When we don't learn to sit with our feelings of vulnerability, we "bad other" other human beings.  
• Becoming more compassionate to oneself and others is not about being weaker, passive, or complacent. 
• As Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. says, "It's about engaging the soul force."
• We forget the amazing resilience of our ancestors and of life.
• Whenever the dominant strata of society feels threatened, which is predominantly white Christian male, they become more threatened, that dominant strata becomes more cruel, more hateful, and more violent, more punishing, and more oppressive.
• It’s contagious. We get angry and hateful towards those. We then react in aggressiveness.
• It perpetuates suffering and then we fall deeper and deeper into the dark ages.
• When others are caught in the shadow and unprocessed feelings their violence brings up our shadow.
• That hatred never ceases by hatred. But by love alone is healed.
• Practical tools and applications for self-compassion practices in your life.

 

Today I am honored to be sitting down with Dr. Whitney You, a high risk OBGYN. I brought her on to discuss the overturn of Roe V. Wade, but it became a much larger conversation of what freedom, sanctuary, and security mean in America right now.  Dr. You was planning on taking her children to the local 4th of July parade at Highland Park, where the most recent mass shooting took place. Dr. You and her family ended up in a mandated shelter in place, as the authorities were looking for the shooter outside of her neighborhood. 

In her words, "I just felt really defeated and tired. And scared. I just wanted to keep my kids safe.  And at this point - I don't trust that the government is going to do that.  So you get into, 'Well what do I need to do to keep my kids safe?  I don't have the answer.'  As a parent and a mother - not having that answer is a very helpless feeling."   Discussion Points:

• It doesn't feel like there is sanctuary or safe spaces in America right now.
• How are we to be proactive as American citizens when everything feels so polarized, volatile, and divided?
• We talk about the feelings of hopelessness but also honor our privilege in a country where many live in neighborhoods that have never felt safe or protected. 
• How do we have conversations with each other - and develop more empathy, compassion, and emotional intelligence as a country... as well as coming to the discussion with real knowledge and education on a subject versus an opinion or belief?
• We talk about how guns have more rights than women in America right now.
• How the overturn of Roe V. Wade is not just an abortion issue, it's a human rights and equity issue.  Dr. You talks about how it will disproportionately effect the under resourced, women of color, individuals struggling with metal illness, in the military, and those who rely on public funds.  
• It's a space where we lack a lot of definitions and the necessity of more conversations about it, de-stigmatizing it, and taking the shame away.  

Are you feeling the intensity of these times in America?  The collective rage, grief, and disbelief of this regressive and dark moment in this country?  I wrote this episode on what it means to take "Exquisite Risks" in your life, a week before the overturning of Roe V. Wade. At first, I didn't see the connection...but now I see how inextricably interwoven they are.  

In this episode I talk about:

• The previous miscarriage I had and then becoming pregnant the next month.
• Taking Exquisite Risks (based on the work of Tara Brach and Mark Nepo) is all about the shedding of old skin, your old self, and being fully alive and present with new versions of awakening in yourself.
• But that means pushing through the comfort of "your old cocoon" of habitual thoughts, ego, control, and comfort.  
• That we become suffocated in the "cocoon" if you don't open to the exquisite risk of being alive, rather closing off to life and new ways of being.
• As humans we are individually and collectively meant to grow, evolve, shift, change, and as Frederick Nietzche says "The snake that cannot shed it's skin parishes."
• If we don't, we live in arrested development.
• I believe that this country is in a state of dangerously regressive and arrested development. 
• BUT we must not become defeated and women must continue to stay in their power because that's what part of this country is terrified of.