Stupid Fat Hobbits

Why hello there! And a Happy Thanksgiving to you, you wonderful, lovely listener. If you hear an obnoxious chewing noise, do not be alarmed...that’s just Pat munching on Dove chocolates. On today’s show, the lads work on their peanut puns and invent a new brand of cashews. They also come to a unanimous determination on who will be the first to die. In a reasonably coherent Around the Table, they discuss whether it’s rude to speak English in foreign countries, with the usual jabs at the French. Kudos to you if you realized that English is an official language of Hong Kong. Extra kudos if you knew that most people in Hong Kong speak Cantonese as their first language, not Mandarin. Anyway, following a ‘brief’ Cage Match of boxers versus briefs, the intellectual reveals his secret superpower. Basking in his new found glory, the intellectual quizzes Chris and Johnny on figures of speech; Johnny rebels, Chris doesn’t learn anything. Finally, Johnny attempts to explain his immunity to hangovers.

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The lads introduce three new segments: ‘Around the Table,’ ‘Cage Match,’ and ‘Imagine If.’  What would the world be like if everyone had the same name? Plus, in our very first Cage Match, Chris and Johnny drop a french toast bombshell that continues to haunt Pat to this day. The french toast debate gets very messy, especially because Chris says pancakes are better and then launches into a vicious defense of how to eat french toast correctly. The Lord of the Rings Impersonation contest gets a boost from our esteemed guest, who belts out a perfect Saruman. Johnny crumbles under the pressure. The lads conclude the episode by choosing which Disney character they would be in the real world.

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Would you like to hear a group of unintelligent friends speculate wildly over the answers to basic questions?  In today’s episode, the lads invite a buddy on the show because they believe in the eternal power of friendship. The guest? His Lordship, JP Royals. His background? Irrelevant. Johnny shows how to order a beer in flawless Chinese. Pat doesn’t like how pho is pronounced.  The lads thoughtfully consider the intricacies of urinal privacy and the proper method of pooping. Other important issues are discussed including this biggie: Is it insulting to not take a serving of every dish when you’re a dinner guest? Plus, Johnny and JP explain to a thoroughly bewildered intellectual how planes fly and cars move.

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The lads delve deep into their childhood knowledge of chocolate milk and expose their cultural ignorance regarding the movie Airplane. The intellectual is finally stumped by a joke, and a bad one at that. Somehow, they end up giving real analysis about the failure of the Hobbit movies. They finally stumble onto a topic of import -- why do we follow pop-culture? -- only to deflect it multiple times and never explore the question (a theme that will be all too common on the show). After a brief exploration of melon, Pat and Johnny explain how bees make honey. The boys finish off the episode with the Lord of the Rings Impersonation Contest and an inspirational song from the Han Dynasty.

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Welcome one and all to our inaugural show! Today, we review the proper pronunciation of Coors, Pat proclaims himself an intellectual, and Johnny explains why he hates everyone.  Chris, our fearless leader, goes rogue and demands that Johnny and Pat perform for him -- thus launching our first official segment: ‘The Lord of the Rings Impersonation Contest.’ At the time of recording, we had just finished watching all three Lord of the Rings films (extended versions, of course), so this episode is a little heavier on the LOTR material. We refuse to apologize.

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