Tales From The Warmaster

We continue our headfirst plunge into the Badab War and the struggle for control of the Maelstrom Zone. As new Loyalist forces enter the battlezone, the Tyrant’s control of the sector hangs by a thread, and our crew still isn’t certain which side to hope wins.

Highlights:
Lygers in Space!
Stibor 'Still Bitter' Lazearek Passed Over Again!
Metric to Imperial Conversion Confusion!
Secrets of the Astral Claws Revealed!

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The Crew continues to dissect and discuss the events leading to the unfortunate little incident in the Maelstrom Zone. Imperial Authorities enter the Frain as the Inquisition decides to investigate the hullabaloo surrounding the rise of the Tyrant of Badab, and the inflexible monsters who forced him to tighten his grip upon the Maelstrom Zone, lest it slip into the control of far more terrible beings than himself. 

Highlights
The Heretic Beach Patrol!
Turtle Soup for the Soul!
Laezerak Biscuit Does It All For The Nougat!
A Reasonable Discussion of Ethics and Opinions!

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The Heretic Crew continues investigations into the Badab Situation in an attempt to answer the age old question, passed down by oral tradition for generations:

Do you know the muffin man,

The muffin man, the muffin man.

Do you know the muffin man,

Who lives on Maelstrom Lane?

Highlights Include:
Waste Disposal of the Far Future!

The Tyrant of Badab Puts the System on Trial!

Cackling Jackals In Space!

Disasters in Muffin Shipping!

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Our Historian Extraordinaire, Ian, Takes the Rest of the Heretical Crew through the actions that would eventually lead to the rise of one of the most wicked Badabasses in the entire 41st Millennium, Lugft Huron. We Slip and Slide Our Way Through the Maelstrom, Second Only to The Eye of Terror in it’s Warp-Riftitude. 

Highlights Include:

The Spice Must Flow

Astartes Accountabilibuddies

Epic Duels

Tyrant’s Legion... Assemble!

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The Heretic Crew skims across the fifty years following the conclusion of the Vraktuckian Derby, mercifully light on trenches and bombardments. We revisit our old friends the Tau, Tyranids and Imperial Guard as we explore some of the more exciting moments of the late 41st millennium. 

Highlights

Heresy of the Cylliast Saint

Somehow Still Horse Jokes

Blood Orgy at the Atomic Horne

Horsing Around With Tyranids n Tau

Fourth Degree Warp Fuckery vs. Cadians

The Vracktuckian Derby finally finishes as the Heretic Crew begrudgingly examine the final phases for the battle of the Vraks. Hearts are broken, spirits are crushed, and the Citadel finally succumbs, not to the unending bombardments and waves of Krieg infantry, but to a targeted strike by the Adeptus Astartes and Inquisitor Rex.

Highlights Include:

The Death Korp Gets a Break!

A Surprise Demonic Cameo!

A Crack in The Universe!

Shockingly Poor Record Keeping!

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The Crew continues tunneling through the thick mud and stone of the Siege of Vraks, the end in sight just beyond the meters thick wall of stagnant horse jokes and broken shovels. As one would expect, as the war draws to a close, the forces of Krieg become increasingly less relevant to the overall struggle, giving the glory all to the Space Marines!

Highlights

Landraider Demolition Derby!

Horse to Drop Pod Ratios Revealed!

Ang’Grath, Tour Guide of the Realm of Khorne Arrives!

Cybernetic Liver Tolerances Tested!

Alpha Legion Face Stealing Technique Uncovered!

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This month's special is a preview of our Patreon Exclusive offshoot, Tales From The Internet, where we read top quality Fan-Fiction from the internet out loud to each other, with two rules: We only pre-read the first paragraph, and we read it exactly as written. 

First up we have Storytime with Scott, as the rest of the Crew is subjected to the inane rambling of FlamingHunter, enhanced with patented "Reel-Tyme Ef-X" technology. Hands across America with Demons, there's really nothing more that should be said. 

Next up, InquisitorCaine  wrote a story which Ian reads made of a few very long run on sentence about the Tyranids having messed everything up for everyone, including the four Gods of Chaos. Grammar was one of the many casualties as the Great Devourer swept across the galaxy, right alongside punctuation. 

Lastly, Max read the hand-crafted a tale of dairy induced nightmares of the 41st millennium, as penned by Superman42. Auto-Erotic Pizzeria Cannibalism is far more accurate of a description of the story contained within than this Heretic is willing to admit freely.

Our Heretical Historian Crew charges across the Impassable Craters (™) that constitute the Vraks Storyline, using the corpses of the Horses that have fallen to form a literary bridge. Horse Skulls are added to thrones, Clone Blood is rendered unto Dark Gods, and uh…. Much needed supply lines of Commissioned Libations are broken. 

Highlights

Vraksian Mimosa Shortage!

Deep Pit Resignations !

Sorrowful Communications!

Revising Strategies, Without Revisions!

Marginally Less Horse Jokes!

Our Heretical Historian Crew rides across the blood-strewn mud pit of Vraks on their newly acquired Cybernetic Horses. Unrelated to the three missing Vraksian Derby stallions. You already know what's coming: Mud, Trenches, Shovels, Something About Tunneling…  and Horse Jokes. Lots of Horse Jokes.

Highlights

A Lengthy Discussion of The Definition of “The Start” 

The Parable of the Red Scorpions and The Old Ones (Somehow)

Red Scorpions Ain’t Got Time To Bleed

You Can Lead A Horse To Mimosas, But Can You Make Him Drink It?
Lessons on Proper Corpse Disposal in The 41st Millenium

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