The A to Z of Sex

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W is for Writing

Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is W and W is for Writing.

I had the opportunity to record a wide variety of people at Master slave Conference 2018 over Labour Day weekend in the United States. I recorded this episode with Jaki Griot while I was there. In 2006, Jaki found the local BDSM community through the TNG movement and served on the Steering Committee for the Next Generation, Baltimore for 6 years. Jaki worked for http://peplove.com/ (PEPlove.com (People Exchanging Power))

http://peplove.com/ (as a phone dominant and sex counselor. Jaki worked at Sugar the Shop (a woman and trans operated adult toy store) as a sex education. Since 2007, Jaki Griot has taught classes for local and antional organisations including but not limited to: Maryland Institute College of Art (MICA) , Dark Odyssey Winter Fire, Dark Odyssey Fusion, Floating World, Baltimore Educational Social Society (BESS), BlackBeat, FetFest, Primal Arts, TNG Baltimore , DCTNG and Touch of Flavour. Her published erotica and essays related to kink and BDSM appear in Salacious Magazine, Sacred Kink Anthology, Carter/Johnson Leather Library and the National Coaltion for Sexual Freedom.)

We started by talking about Jaki’s involvement in TNG Baltimore and how this lead to exploring many facets of kink and BDSM. We moved from there to talking about the many projects Jaki has been involved with. Jaki enjoys connecting with many different types of people from all walks of life.. She is an activist and works to see people of colour, women, disabled people, people of all body shapes and sizes, and people of all ethnicities represented in the BDSM, kink, polyamory and leather communities. One of her main goals is to help people from these groups to have a voice. Her new zine (online and in print) Perverts of Color provides a platform for essays, erotica, and art.. Jaki spoke about wanting upcoming issues to also focus on how people who have disabilities including neurological ones and including those who simply think differently experience sexuality, kink, BDSM, leather and the wider communities..

Jaki spoke about creating a space for all these communities by being willing to talk to people and interact with people.

Perverts of Color : Goal to have this bimonthly for at least a year.. It costs digital $3 and print $6

http://etsy.com/kinkartblack/

There are interviews, stories, art, original photography.. There are also resources such as ways to find doctors, therapists, lawyers etc who are kink aware and/or friendly.

Thanks for joining me for the A to Z of Sex this week. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at [email protected] , follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

For a free 30-minute discovery session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/ and head to my contact page to click on my calendar and schedule directly.

If you enjoy the show please leave me a review on iTunes and Stitcher. Join me next week for the letter X.

Please enjoy again:

Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is V and V is for Vagina.

Anna-Thea is an author, speaker and teacher. Her courses offer women life-changing tools in the area of emotional mastery and spiritual sexuality. She is dedicated to helping women live more sensually alive and speak confidently from their hearts. Anna-Thea offers practical solutions for women with body image, food and/or intimacy/relationship issues.

She has a bachelor’s degree in Nutrition and is a Level 2 certified Kundalini Yoga and Vinyasa Flow instructor. She is also certified from the Divine Feminine Institute as a Spiritual Sexual Educator. Using principles from her extensive studies in yoga, nutrition, psychology, astrology and the Divine Feminine Institute she educates women to be leaders of love. Her book “Empower Yourself by Loving Your Body” and her blog offer women insights to honor their bodies.

We started by talking a bit about the anatomy of the vagina and jade eggs. Anna-Thea spoke about the Taoist practice for using the eggs to open up the many levels of the vagina and vaginal or sexual reflexology. She spoke about the opening of the vagina being connected to the kidneys and the emotions being fear and calmness, the G spot being connected to the liver and the emotion being anger. We spoke about how to use a jade egg and how it strengthens the PC muscles and that it is useful for a wide variety of issues from incontinence through to creating stronger more mind blowing orgasms.

From there we spoke about using wands to stimulate the G spot and female ejaculation. Anna-Thea told us about the fabled D spot that moves around.

We spoke about the importance of getting to know the vagina and the whole genital area and how each woman looks and feels different. We spoke about how important it is for a woman to look at herself and to learn her vagina. We spoke about the importance of sex education from a young age so that children see their sexual parts as non-shameful and delightful parts of their bodies.

Anna-Thea spoke about her upcoming course Sex Education that Your Mother Never Taught You. She said that this is a space for women to learn from each other and that the course covers anatomy and physiology in ways that most women have not learned them before.

For more information on her courses:

Mastering Your Emotions Course

www.annathea.org/emotions

Sex Ed You Didn't Learn From Your Mother starts Nov 1st

www.annathea.org/sexed

For more information visit www.Anna-Thea.com and http://www.leaderoflove.com/ (www.LeaderofLove.com)

http://www.annathea.org (www.annathea.org)

https://www.facebook.com/annatheafab

Twitter: @theannathea

Thanks for joining me this week for the A to Z of Sex. Write in with your questions to [email protected] and visit both websites www.atozofsex.com and www.the-intimacy-coach.com to learn how to awaken your authenticity, arouse your sexuality and ignite your desire. For a free 30 minute session with me, head over to www.atozofsex.com and click on the button that says ‘book now’. If you have enjoyed this podcast, please leave a review on iTunes and/or Sticher and please subscribe!

Join me next week when the letter will be Z.

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U is for Unity

Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is U and U is for Untold Stories.

History is important. From the past we learn. We are learn best from stories and yet so many of them remain untold. Joining me todayt is Mistress Nia. She is a service-oriented Dominant and teacher whose style of leadership is “First Among Equals.” She has been active in BDSM since 2005 and female – led household offers opportunities for discipline, education and service. Nia identifies as a Leatherwoman and is a member of the Sterling Shadow Continuum (SSC) and Mast Dayton and serves a sthe chaplain of La Meute de Rougaroux (The Rougarou Pack). She is also a budding presenter in her local community, having recently given her first presentation for SSC. Mistress Nia resides in Southwest Ohio.

We started by talking about the Black lesbian history that has been erased. During the initial AIDS crisis, many of the sick and dying men were cared for by lesbians. When their families wouldn’t come near them. When they were afraid to touch them. These women cleaned their homes, took them to doctor’s appointments, picked up medication, sat with them and often buried them.

Mistress Nia spoke about the challenges facing these leather women and other women now. She talked about breast cancer, cervical cancer, ovarian cancer and that the men that they cared for are dead so there is no one to care for them.

We spoke about the lack of education and awareness. The fact that this epidemic of STI’s is not over and that too many younger people are taking risks without knowing all the facts.

We talked about how simple it would be to get a breast cancer mobile out to the Pride marches and events along side the van that tested for HIV and AIDS.

We pledged to raise awareness and to educate. To provide outreach

If you want to connect with Mistress Nia, she can be found on FetLife.com.

Thanks for joining me for the A to Z of Sex.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at [email protected] and I will answer on the show.

Follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://atozofsex.com/ and click the button that says Schedule Now! See you next week when the letter will be V.

Please enjoy again:

Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. The A to Z of Sex is on location this week, visiting Mistress Max Rulz. Today the letter is T and T is for Talking Dirty.

Perry wasn't the best looking guy, a little overweight, a little unkempt. He wore thick glasses, plain jeans and he tended to slouch. Most men and women didn't find Perry attractive until he spoke. Perry's voice was liquid smooth and deep. He made love with his voice even when talking. about ordinary things. But when he decided to talk sex, well the person he was talking to was lost.

Perry liked to create a sensory rich scene so detailed that you felt pulled into the world he was created. The scenes he created were plush like deep velvet. They enveloped you, captivated you and did not let you go until after he had finished.

Mz Max and I talked about talking dirty to communicate your desires to your partner and how hard it is for so many people to speak their truth when it comes to what they want. We talked about how much shame there is around sex.

Mz Max talked about how masturbation involves us talking dirty to ourselves. That all masturbation needs a script. She talked about how basic and primal sex is and meant for enjoyment and pleasure. And how much shame still exists about sex.

We spoke about talking dirty for foreplay, and how talking dirty is different than writing or texting. Mz Max talked about how often what people wrote to her was so different when in person – how body language illustrated the shame or the embarrassment or the areas that are just fantasy and not based in reality.

Mz Max talked about how kinky folk negotiate before having sex. Mz Max said that every person is deliciously perverted at least in their own head.

Finally we talked about how talking dirty brings you into the now. So you are fully present in sex. And how difficult this is for people in modern society but how much better sex is when you are completely engaged.

Thanks for joining me for the A to Z of SexÒ.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at [email protected] , follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.. Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://atozofsex.com/ and click the button that says Schedule Now! Why not join me for my upcoming free webinar 4 Secrets for Arousing and Igniting Your Authentic Sexual Self. Click the link in the podcast notes to sign up or head to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/4-secrets/ See you next week when the letter will be U.

S for Single Parent Dating

Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is S and s is for Single Parent Dating

Joining me today to talk about the latest science in single dating is Dr Duana (DWAYna) Welch. She is the original Love Factually author and coach, known for using social science to solve real-life relationship issues. She has been a professor at universities in Florida, California, and Texas across 20 years, and she has contributed to NPR, PBS, Psychology Today, and numerous other outlets, podcasts and videos. Her first book, Love Factually: 10 Proven Steps from I Wish to I Do, is now out globally in five languages. Love Factually for Single Parents [& Those Dating Them] is the second book in the series, specifically geared for finding the right partner not only for readers, but their families. Her book series Love Factually Singles (February, 2019) provides science-based dating advice in single-topic titles that fit readers’ desire to save time and money and to read content specific to their needs. All her books rely on science rather than opinion to help men and women find and keep the right partner; and they all have a blue cover, for easy identification. Her Love Factually client practice is global, via Skype and other technologies. For more information and free content, see LoveFactually.co.

We talked about single dating and how to find the person who is committed to you and who is the love of your life. Dr Welch was clear that even people children can have an adult relationship. She talked about the research that shows that most children do not recover well from multiple upheavals but those where parents remarry once – recover much better. She spoke about taking time in the introduction and being clear about your boundaries. Dr Welch’s book has a step by step guide to dating as a single parent including protecting yourself and your child. She recommends trusting your intuition and suggests combining reading her book with reading Gavin De Becker’s book The Gift of Fear.

We spoke about how longitudinal research (research over a long period of time) highlights that recovery from divorce is variable and that those who do recover move on with their lives and relationships in an adult manner. Dr Welch spoke about how important it is to observe a potential partner’s behaviour with others in the environment and how important it is to make sure that the person is kind, of good character and treats others well. She spoke about only dating when the children are not with you – either when the other parent has them or when you arrange baby sitters or child minding. She spoke about the importance of not talking about your children and your family all the time and that keeping the details of family life out of the conversation allows you time to assess this person’s commitment and desire to be a step parent. She highlighted that this is a slow process and encouraged people to find out as much as they can about the person via the internet, friends, family and even their ex partner. We agreed that people who are not willing to have adult conversations as to why relationships ended and what the challenges of previous relationships were.

Dr Welch talked about the series of books she is launching Love Factually Single Series that deal with one issue per book. The first book coming out on Valentine’s Day is on online dating and profile creation.

You can find Dr Welch at LoveFactually.co.

Thanks for joining me for the A to Z of Sex this week.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at [email protected] and I will answer on the show. Follow me on twitter, Instagram and...

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Q is for Queen (and queening)

Hi everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of Sex.  I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is Q and Q is for Queen (and also queening!).

Queen as a nickname can be short for drag queen or can refer to a woman who is dominant.  Today, I’ll talk about both uses of the term and also cover the activity queening.  I’ve had a couple of questions about drag queens and transvestites and I’ll answer these as well.

Drag is traditionally not just about enjoyment and sexiness.  There has always been a challenging element of drag that is about the gender fuck.  Particularly the queens who do not look feminine and do not try to look feminine.   Drag highlights rebellion and nonconformity.  Today, even traditional drag attracts audiences of all genders and is often seen as highlighting a person’s struggle to define identity and style and willingness to be an individual, not conforming to social beauty standards.    There is an increasing young female audience that sees drag as empowering them to discover and be who they are.

Drag queens don’t usually dress in women’s fashion for the purpose of sexual excitement and enjoyment.  They do so for the purposes of self-expression and entertainment.  Drag queens are not transvestites as they do not fetishize the female clothing and accessories. Many drag artists are very talented performers and popularity has continued to increase, especially since Ru Paul’s successful reality show Drag Race. 

People of all genders choose to dress in drag though drag queens are the most well-known.  There has been a growing body of fans for drag kings and drag king shows as well.

Many people believe the history of drag in Europe began in the 1800’s with the pantomime.  In the United States, some people trace the history of drag back to minstrel shows which originally had performers in black face parodying black men and then had performers begin to parody black women.  These were not positive performances.  They were used to mock black people. 

Whereas drag in the gay community was used to celebrate and seen as progressive.  Drag continued with vaudeville where female impersonators became very popular.  The most famous female impersonator was Julian Eltinge who performed on Broadway as a woman.  During these times, female impersonators were seen to be white straight men.  This art form declined as a connection with sex work and homosexuality was made more often.

In the earlier 1900’s, drag moved into night clubs and began to be associated as entertainment within the LGBT community.  Since being gay was criminal at the time, it became riskier.  People would go to nightclubs to experiment with boundaries between gender and sexuality and drag queens became extremely popular.

Drag queens often participate in pageantry – prominent in Pride parades though this has often been controversial as many people express concern over the image of homosexuality this presents.    

Many millennials are exploring gender through drag.  Pecs is a group of performers in the UK who explore gender through drag.    The performers are all CIS women at the moment.  They say ‘Unless you fuck in a vacuum, sex is a gendered experience.’  As a result, they use drag and performance to explore further.    

Rob wrote in to ask ‘I love watching the drag queens. I go to a show most weeks.  I find them really sexy.  Does this mean I am gay?’  Rob this doesn’t mean you are gay or even bisexual, though you could be either.  It simply means you find them sexy.  We find many things sexy that we don’t want to act on in reality.  Relax and enjoy the shows.

In kink circles, a queen can also be a dominant woman.  Some cultures use the term queen to refer to any woman and...

Please enjoy again:

Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is P and P is for Pleasure and Pain.

How different is pleasure and pain? Why do so many people gain intense pleasure out of what can also be intense pain? What kinds of pain are enjoyable? Today I will answer these questions.

Let’s start with the neuroscience behind pleasure and pain. Pain and pleasure used to be considered opposites but recent research has highlighted that there are lots of similarities between the anatomical substrates functioning in both. The ability to seek pleasure and avoid pain is important for survival. There is a lot of overlap in the chemistry of both sensations and they compete for primacy of processing in the brain. This might explain why some pain can be processed and perceived as pleasure.

Relief of pain can be experienced as intense pleasure. Particularly if the pain was acute and strong. Endorphins that are released as a result of pain are often experienced as pleasure. In addition, when a person experiences pain and also stress, the brain produces more melatonin and serotonin which changes the pain into pleasure. Finally, intense pain – particularly when the body believes danger is present, will produce a release of epinephrine and norepinephrine which will create a rush of pleasure.

One of the things that hurts good is when the pain stops. When you are pushing your body for a goal for example or when someone is massaging your sore muscles or aching joints. The relief associated with that pain is often perceived as intense pleasure.

Do masochists always enjoy pain? No. If a masochist stubs a toe, it will hurt and there will be no pleasure associated with that hurt. Part of what makes the difference between an action being experienced as painful and one being experienced as pleasurable is the context of the action. The delicious pain of a massage is happening in a safe environment with someone you trust. You can relax into the experience as a result. The final thing that make pain turn to pleasure is a lack of true fear. You may engage in role play with a partner that is very frightening or enjoy the surprise in horror movies but this is fear experienced in a safe environment.

Shame and guilt are intricately involved in sex for many of us raised in Western cultures. Most of us have been taught that sex and sexuality is somewhat shameful. Women are still being taught abstinence is the best course of action prior to marriage in many places. This might not be problematic in and of itself. After all, there is nothing inherently damaging in saving sexual activity until you are in a committed sexual relationship. (Though many relationship breakdowns and divorces could be avoided by making sure couples have some level of sexual compatibility prior to making a lifetime commitment.)

Rather the problem with preaching abstinence is the lessons that go along with this teaching. Young people are taught to avoid any sexual feelings. They are taught that sexual feelings are dirty, shameful or wrong. There is no teaching about the pleasure that can be experienced through sexual activity, no teaching about masturbation. Most of the teaching is about denying pleasure.

There is little talk about pleasure in sexual education. Girls are not taught that they should expect sex to feel good and a certainly not taught how to make sex feel good. Girls are not encouraged to learn their own bodies and so remain reliant on a partner for their pleasure and their orgasms. This is restricting enough. What is even worse is that boys are not taught about girls’ bodies and how to provide pleasure.

Please enjoy again:

Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of SexÒ. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is O and O is for online sex.

Online sex can run the gamut from web cams where you pay for (mostly) women to strip for you or play with you, amateur web caming, online phone sex, pornography websites, written erotica and through online sexual communities.

Joining me tonight is Sharon Somers who created climaxconnection.com Climax connection is an online adult community website for people to find masturbation partners for phone sex or for people just seeking to enhance their masturbation experience by being able to listen to member contributed erotic audios or read their erotic short stories.

They have profile pages, chat rooms with free audio and video capabilities, a forum, erotic short stories and audios. Many people just hang out in the chat rooms just to have fun, relax and chat.

We started by talking about how chat rooms came to be and Sharon likened the site to an advanced version of the original chat rooms on AOL and Yahoo. I mentioned that before that we had bulletin boards and that Compuserve and Prodigy were early adopters of chat space.

Sharon explained that people create community and that some are only willing to interact on the site. They refuse to give out any details so that they can chat off site or phone sex. She highlighted the fact that many relationships are long term. She also mentioned that people are not terribly trusting which is why they don’t want to part with personal details.

Sharon talked about the many people who come to the site who are in relationships with partners who don’t share their sexual interests. She said that she is a phone sex operator by trade and started this site because the other sites she visited in between clients to relax didn’t have the full range of features that she has now put on this site.

We talked about the clients who come for phone sex versus chat and cam sex and highlighted the fact that most of the clients don’t want to watch a woman masturbate on camera. Many of them have very specific fantasies. She told me that she is asked to be a robot every few weeks and use a robot voice and that these clients have a full fantasy around how their ideal android looks. If she were to appear on cam it would interfere with the fantasy.

We spoke about the value of sex work for people who are not getting their needs met in their relationships. She told me that many of the men are in sexless marriages and most of her clientele are men. She shared that sometimes partners or wives call and abuse her or the other women and said that they are not trying to take these men away. They do this for the money they earn. I pointed out that it is common to target the other person instead of the spouse who is the one who had committed the betrayal.

We spoke about a wide variety of types of clients, chat play and the things Sharon enjoys about her work and in her off time. Sharon will join me on Sex Spoken Here for the series about sex work.

website: http:/www.climaxconnection.com

or for phone sex: erotictalkphonesex.com

twitter: https://twitter/climaxers

facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Climax-connection-361709193897804/

Thanks for joining me this week for the A to Z of Sex. Write in with your questions to [email protected] and visit both websites www.atozofsex.com and www.the-intimacy-coach.com to learn about alternative sexual choices, types of sexual relationships and to explore and express your authentic sexual self. For a free 30 minute session with me, head over to http://www.atozofsex.com (www.atozofsex.com) and click on the button that says ‘book now’. If...

N is for National Coalition for Sexual Freedom

Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is N and N is for National Coalition for Sexual Freedom.

The National coalition for sexual freedom Mission Statement is: The NCSF is committed to creating a political, legal and social environment in the US that advances equal rights for consenting adults who engage in alternative sexual and relationship expressions. The NCSF aims to advance the rights of, and advocate for consenting adults in the BDSM-Leather-Fetish, Swing, and Polyamory Communities. We pursue our vision through direct services, education, advocacy, and outreach, in conjunction with our partners, to directly benefit these communities.

Joining me to talk about the NCSF and other topics is D Choc Trei Henderson. She is Ms Southeast Leatherfest 2018 and a director/southeast regional coalition partner lead for the NCSF. She is executive producer of the first inaugural Southeast Consent Summit. Choc is 2019 president of Leather Houses of |Color Coalition and was recently conferred as one of the newest directors for the Leather Archives and Museum.

Other community service includes the Executive Director, VP and treasurer roles to re-launch ONYX Pearls South East and is presently bylaws Chair. She has been treasurer of the Leather Leadership Conference and active in many local groups. Her home leather bar is the Atlanta Eagle.

NCSF is a resource for the members of the kink, poly and Lifestyle communities and for people seeking information about them. If you engage in BDSM, fetishes or non-monogamy practices, and you are being persecuted or discriminated against because of it, please contact NCSF through the Get Help Now. If you need help removing kink or non-monogamy as a barrier to public services, please contact NCSF. If your group or business needs help with outreach to local officials, please contact NCSF.If you or your group needs help with a consent violation or sexual assault, please contact NCSF. GET HELP NOW! The issue must openly, directly, and specifically relate to BDSM, swing or poly activities between consenting adults; in other words, the problems you face must relate to or be caused from your involvement in BDSM, swing or poly. NCSF is not legal aid, nor do we offer specific legal advice for individuals. NCSF is a resource for the members of the kink, poly and Lifestyle communities and for people seeking information about them. NCSF provides publicly available information on kink and nonmonogamy for consenting adults.

They have produced the Kink Aware Professionals list which includes listings for mental health professionals, medical doctors, legal professionals, accountants who are aware of kink, alternative lifestyles as well as gender and sexual diversity and who can provide services without a negative bias.

They produce the consent counts program. The Consent Counts project involves the BDSM communities in a nationwide education and activism program coordinated and led by the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom. This multifaceted campaign includes a comprehensive is analysis of current laws and court decisions, the development of legal arguments for changing the laws, participating in court cases, and ultimately, through lobbying, education and grass-roots activism, changing state laws and the way the public and the courts view BDSM. An important element of the project also includes an Educational Outreach Program (EOP) to educate our own communities of the current state of the law, of the effort NCSF is undertaking and to involve them in our strategic planning process and development of “best practices” by which we can...

Please enjoy again: M is for Monogamy

M is for Monogamy

Happy New Year everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. This episode comes out on 1 January 2018. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is M and M is for Monogamy.

The Ethnographic Atlas Codebook classifies 84.6% cultures as polygynous (1 husband multiple wives), 15.1% classified as monogamous and .3% as polyandrous (1 wife, multiple husbands). Monogamy is a minority life choice when you look at world cultures. When we look at human evolution, hunter gatherer and tribal societies historically practiced forms of polyamory. So how did monogamy become the preference and even the only legal form of romantic relationship in western society?

Some of this may be due to the spread of Christianity. However, the most agreed upon explanation is that people who were anti-polygyny had larger and stronger armies. Monogamous groups grow larger because more men have wives within the group so they don’t have to leave to find wives in another group. Scheidel (2009) talks about monogamy in Greco-Roman times and says that monogamy was socially imposed and this allowed men of lower status to marry. In fact, these men were offered the possibility of wives in exchange for military service and taxes.

Monogamy and non-monogamy have pros and cons. Some people are better suited to one form of relationship style than the other. Often people don’t choose a particular style but simply absorb what is expected of them based on their family upbringing and cultures.

Pros of Monogamy:

Sex improves over time.

If you spend time and attention on your relationship, sex can improve the longer you know each other. There is nothing like sex with someone who knows every inch of you and all of the things that make you scream.

Intimacy of all types can be deeper.

There is a deeper intimacy that is born out of sharing with someone for a

long time. This comes from coping with difficult times, living through

trauma together, experiencing joy together, sharing each other’s

achievements. The level of emotional connection becomes more

intense over time and interaction. Higher levels of emotional intimacy

are associated with higher self-esteem, lower levels of stress, higher

levels of happiness.

Higher degree of emotional security.

If you choose monogamy and both you and your partner are faithful to your vows, you have a higher degree of emotional security. You know that your partner will have your back no matter what. You have a true partner – someone to rely on, someone who will place your well-being high up on their priority list.

More physical security

Two working together are often able to create more physical security. Two incomes make sorting out the usual expenses easier and sometimes much easier. Even in households where only one is earning, physical life is easier as the other often provides services and support for daily living. When one person is unable to work, the other is there to foot the bill. Monogamous couples make commitments to each other about taking care of each other when illness strikes. Often this provides more security than any other commitment.

A guaranteed cheering section.

In a good relationship, your spouse/partner is your biggest fan. They can provide you with acknowledgement of your achievements, motivation and solace when you fail. People who have a good support system have lower stress levels and reach more of their goals.

Familiarity

When you are familiar with someone, you feel you can relax fully without worrying that your relationship will fail. Familiarity means that you don’t always feel you must be on your...