The A to Z of Sex

Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Today the letter is S and S is for Scent. In the animal kingdom, pheromones are scent markers and these trigger certain responses and behaviours. Some trigger sexual responses and others territorial. As human animals, scent plays a more complicated role in our emotional and physical responses. Research highlights scent as the strongest encoded sense in memory. Full sensory flashbacks can be brought on by a single smell. Scent alerts us to when partners are potentially good genetic matches and as to when we are fertile. Scent can warn us of danger and trigger the most comforting of memories. Perfume is still one of the most treasured gifts for women and men.

Today I am joined by Roja Dove. Roja Dove is one of the world’s most respected scent makers. He is a British Master Perfumer and is known most recently for his own scent line, Roja Parfums. Roja puts his passion and creative flair into every project he touches and his attention to detail is second to none. In his words, ‘only the best will do’. He is known for working with only the world’s finest ingredients whether in a bespoke creation in one of his Roja line or in his Pour Maison line of scent for homes and offices. Each scent takes an average of six to 18 months to complete and all new releases are eagerly awaited. From his flagship store, 51 Burlington Arcade in London, to the Haute Parfumerie at Harrods to any of his 145 outlets in 36 countries, his scents inspire romance, sensuality, and adorn the most discerning individuals. Roja states that a perfumer is a poet or a storyteller who creates the tangible from the intangible. His scents are luxurious and inspire complex emotional responses.

Our conversation ranged from the importance of scent to intimacy, sex and sexuality (essential according to Roja Dove) through to what the loss of the sense of smell means. Roja told me that people who lose their sense of smell often become depressed and more depressed than those who lose sight.

We talked about the use of scent to create an atmosphere in the home – and to create a sensual and inviting atmosphere. How you can be creative and vary your scent in the different parts of your home.

Roja spoke about the four types of scent – floral, chypre´, oriental and fresh {fougere} and how these relate to personality types. ‘Chypre´s have never seen a shade of grey’.

Roja spoke about how complex our sense of smell is and highlighted that we smell with our most primitive brain, not with our noses. His best advice is to be authentic, use your gut instincts when choosing scents and pay attention to your reactions rather than following fashion. Choose a scent or scents that are authentically you – you want to wear the scent not have it wear you.

Roja Dove’s delicious creations can be found online at www.rojaparfums.com. They can be found in the flesh at 51 Burlington Arcade at Roja Parfum flagship shop and on the 6th floor of Harrods in the Salon de Parfum in his Haute Perfumerie. I encourage you to go along and enjoy a sensual sensory experience – experiment and smell deeply.

Thanks for joining me this week for the A to Z of Sex. Write in with your questions to [email protected] and visit both websites www.atozofsex.com and www.the-intimacy-coach.com to learn about alternative sexual choices, types of sexual relationships and to learn to sizzle and create that ideal lasting intimate relationship. For a free 30 minute session with me, head over to www.atozofsex.com and click on the button that says ‘book now’. Please join me next week when the letter will be T…

Hi everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Today the letter is S and S is for Scent. In the animal kingdom, pheromones are scent markers and these trigger certain responses and behaviours. Some trigger sexual responses and others territorial. As human animals, scent plays a more complicated role in our emotional and physical responses. Research highlights scent as the strongest encoded sense in memory. Full sensory flashbacks can be brought on by a single smell. Scent alerts us to when partners are potentially good genetic matches and as to when we are fertile. Scent can warn us of danger and trigger the most comforting of memories. Perfume is still one of the most treasured gifts for women and men.

Today I am joined by Roja Dove. Roja Dove is one of the world’s most respected scent makers. He is a British Master Perfumer and is known most recently for his own scent line, Roja Parfums. Roja puts his passion and creative flair into every project he touches and his attention to detail is second to none.  In his words, ‘only the best will do’. He is known for working with only the world’s finest ingredients whether in a bespoke creation in one of his Roja line or in his Pour Maison line of scent for homes and offices. Each scent takes an average of six to 18 months to complete and all new releases are eagerly awaited.  From his flagship store, 51 Burlington Arcade in London, to the Haute Parfumerie at Harrods to any of his 145 outlets in 36 countries, his scents inspire romance, sensuality, and adorn the most discerning individuals. Roja states that a perfumer is a poet or a storyteller who creates the tangible from the intangible. His scents are luxurious and inspire complex emotional responses.

Our conversation ranged from the importance of scent to intimacy, sex and sexuality (essential according to Roja Dove) through to what the loss of the sense of smell means. Roja told me that people who lose their sense of smell often become depressed and more depressed than those who lose sight.

We talked about the use of scent to create an atmosphere in the home – and to create a sensual and inviting atmosphere. How you can be creative and vary your scent in the different parts of your home.

Roja spoke about the four types of scent – floral, chypre´, oriental and fresh {fougere} and how these relate to personality types. ‘Chypre´s have never seen a shade of grey’.

Roja spoke about how complex our sense of smell is and highlighted that we smell with our most primitive brain, not with our noses. His best advice is to be authentic, use your gut instincts when choosing scents and pay attention to your reactions rather than following fashion.  Choose a scent or scents that are authentically you – you want to wear the scent not have it wear you.

Roja Dove’s delicious creations can be found online at www.rojaparfums.com.  They can be found in the flesh at 51 Burlington Arcade at Roja Parfum flagship shop and on the 6th floor of Harrods in the Salon de Parfum in his Haute Perfumerie.  I encourage you to go along and enjoy a sensual sensory experience – experiment and smell deeply.

Thanks for joining me this week for the A to Z of Sex. Write in with your questions to [email protected] and visit both websites www.atozofsex.com and www.the-intimacy-coach.com to learn about alternative sexual choices, types of sexual relationships and to learn to sizzle and create that ideal lasting intimate relationship.   For a free 30 minute session with me, head over to www.atozofsex.com and click on the button that says ‘book now’.  Please join me next week when the letter will be T…

 

Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is R and R is for Riding Crop (and other impact toys).

I believe that impact play is the most accessible way to test out the boundary between pleasure and pain. The implements used for impact play can range from a bare hand to a bull whip. One of the earliest depictions of erotic flagellation (whipping or spanking) is in the Etruscan Tomb of the Whipping from the 5th century BC which was named after the images in the tomb.

10 to 25% of the population enjoy engaging in sexual practices that involve a combination of pleasure and pain.

Victorian erotic literature is filled with spanking and flagellation scenes and images abound in Victorian erotic images and art. Many well known people enjoy erotic spankings and often this is not discovered until after death.

Neuroscience doesn’t yet have an adequate explanation as to why erotic pain can be experienced as a pleasure but, writing in Psychology Today, Dr David Linden suggests that the best theory likens this to the pain enjoyed when eating foods with chilli peppers. He points out that people who are born into cultures where these are a large part of the food still reject chilli as babies but at about age 5 they will develop a taste for them. He highlights that rats cannot be trained to choose food with chili peppers in them. So it appears that there is a human predisposition to find certain kinds of pain pleasurable and when this is combined with various life experiences, the result is enjoyment from certain types of pain (like impact play). This then prompts the brain to modify the neural circuits and forge the neural connections between pleasure and pain.

Practically, there are two main types of impact sensation: thud and sting. Some people also talk about thump. If we think about these in terms of music, thud would be at the base end and sting would be at the treble end.

Thud tends to be a deep penetrating sensation. Thud strikes are felt deeper in the body – in the muscles, sometimes the bones rather than in the skin. Marks produced are red, bright pink and deep bruises that often don’t show up until a day or so after the experience. Instruments that produce thud include paddles, the hand, closed fist, feet, heavy floggers (made out of bull hide, buffalo hide for example).

Sting tends to be piercing, stinging, narrow line of pain, felt in the skin primarily. Things that produce sting include bull whips, lashes, cat-o-nine tails, canes, birch rods. Marks can be wheals, bleeding cuts, stripes.

Some instruments can provide a combination of sting and thud. Riding crops fall into this category in my opinion. The end of the crop creates a more thuddy sensation but the hard shaft is very stingy. The hand can bring great thud initially but when used to hit someone quickly, can have a really stinging effect. In my opinion, the most sting is created by switches and canes, followed by whips.

Some people distinguish between thud from a heavy rigid object like a paddle and thump from a heavy flexible object like a sjambok. Sjambok’s are some of the most intense thuds in my opinion with an added quick sting at the end.

People often have a preference for thud or sting. Some people can tolerate lots of sting but cannot manage the softest of floggers. Others can manage thud but find it impossible to take even a light strike with a crop.

Slow warm ups make it possible for a person to gradually accommodate to the pain until endorphins are released and it becomes incredibly pleasurable. The endorphin high from an erotic beating can be likened to runners’ high or even the high from some drugs.

Quick intense beatings with no warm up are often incredibly...

Hi everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of Sex.  I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is R and R is for Riding Crop (and other impact toys). 

I believe that impact play is the most accessible way to test out the boundary between pleasure and pain. The implements used for impact play can range from a bare hand to a bull whip. One of the earliest depictions of erotic flagellation (whipping or spanking) is in the Etruscan Tomb of the Whipping from the 5th century BC which was named after the images in the tomb.  

10 to 25% of the population enjoy engaging in sexual practices that involve a combination of pleasure and pain.

Victorian erotic literature is filled with spanking and flagellation scenes and images abound in Victorian erotic images and art.  Many well known people enjoy erotic spankings and often this is not discovered until after death.   

Neuroscience doesn’t yet have an adequate explanation as to why erotic pain can be experienced as a pleasure but, writing in Psychology Today, Dr David Linden suggests that the best theory likens this to the pain enjoyed when eating foods with chilli peppers. He points out that people who are born into cultures where these are a large part of the food still reject chilli as babies but at about age 5 they will develop a taste for them. He highlights that rats cannot be trained to choose food with chili peppers in them. So it appears that there is a human predisposition to find certain kinds of pain pleasurable and when this is combined with various life experiences, the result is enjoyment from certain types of pain (like impact play). This then prompts the brain to modify the neural circuits and forge the neural connections between pleasure and pain.

Practically, there are two main types of impact sensation: thud and sting. Some people also talk about thump. If we think about these in terms of music, thud would be at the base end and sting would be at the treble end.

Thud tends to be a deep penetrating sensation. Thud strikes are felt deeper in the body – in the muscles, sometimes the bones rather than in the skin. Marks produced are red, bright pink and deep bruises that often don’t show up until a day or so after the experience. Instruments that produce thud include paddles, the hand, closed fist, feet, heavy floggers (made out of bull hide, buffalo hide for example). 

Sting tends to be piercing, stinging, narrow line of pain, felt in the skin primarily. Things that produce sting include bull whips, lashes, cat-o-nine tails, canes, birch rods. Marks can be wheals, bleeding cuts, stripes.

Some instruments can provide a combination of sting and thud.  Riding crops fall into this category in my opinion. The end of the crop creates a more thuddy sensation but the hard shaft is very stingy. The hand can bring great thud initially but when used to hit someone quickly, can have a really stinging effect.  In my opinion, the most sting is created by switches and canes, followed by whips. 

Some people distinguish between thud from a heavy rigid object like a paddle and thump from a heavy flexible object like a sjambok. Sjambok’s are some of the most intense thuds in my opinion with an added quick sting at the end.

People often have a preference for thud or sting. Some people can tolerate lots of sting but cannot manage the softest of floggers. Others can manage thud but find it impossible to take even a light strike with a crop.

Slow warm ups make it possible for a person to gradually accommodate to the pain until endorphins are released and it becomes incredibly pleasurable.  The endorphin high from an erotic beating can be likened to runners’ high or even the high from some drugs.

Quick intense beatings with no warm up are often incredibly hard to manage.  People who do consent to these are usually either very used to intense pain or involved in a power exchange relationship and agreeing to take the pain for the person who is the dominant in the relationship - in an effort to please her or simply because she tells the submissive this is what she wants.

For many an enjoyment of pain goes back to childhood fantasies, and for some to childhood experiences. Corporal punishment is no longer allowed in British schools but for many years caning was a standard punishment. Many generations of people educated in the British system learned to manage ‘6 of the best’ with a cane. For some, the pain turned to pleasure and became eventually integrated into their sexual desires and fantasies. Americans are more likely to talk about being hit with a belt, a spoon, or a birch rod.  Sometimes people recreate these early experiences with a consenting partner and so the beating becomes part of a role play. Other times people simply set up for an experience involving a beating and there is no role play involved.

Materials that are more likely to produce sting include rubber, wire, and thin implements like canes, whips, birch rods. Materials that are more likely to produce thud include wide implements like paddles, heavy leather floggers (light leather floggers produce thud as well). 

Leather can be made in a form that is more likely to produce a stingy response, like a Scottish tawse which is a flexible strap with a notch in the end.  It is quite heavy and will produce some thud but the end tends to cut in a way that produces intense sting.

Impact play can very intimate. Over the knee spankings are extremely intimate.  There is close contact with the person who is giving the spanking.  Over the knee spankings can be done with a hand, a spoon, a paddle, a tawse or even a hairbrush. All have different textures and different types of impacts.

Different parts of the body can be hit during impact play. Most impact play is aimed at the area between the top of the buttocks and the middle of the thighs.    The area at the bottom/underside of the buttocks (the crease between buttock and thigh) is sometimes known as the sweet spot. This spot is known to produce enough pleasant stimulation to cause orgasm.

The breasts are often a good target for impact play using small implements – little floggers, hands, and small paddles. Impact on the nipples can be very intense so if you have not tried this before, start with light strokes.

Here are my do’s and don’ts if you are going to try impact play:

Do learn how to use whatever implements you choose.  There are classes available at some BDSM related events.  You can also ask people for references to find a teacher.  Make sure that learning includes some basic human anatomy and physiology so you learn where not to hit!

Do have a detailed conversation with the person you are planning on playing with – whether you will be giving or receiving – before trying this out!  Make sure that you are clear about medical history, any injuries, psychological history – are there any possible triggers to trauma?

Do make sure that you get explicit consent before engaging in any kind of impact play.   If either of you is under the influence of alcohol or drugs, consent is invalid. For a reminder about consent, watch this video.

Do start slowly and build up rhythm, paying close attention to the responses of the person who you are beating/spanking.  Starting slow allows time for adaptation and this includes time for neurotransmitters to be released. Rhythmic beatings are easier to manage than non-rhythmic ones.

Do make sure to treat any abrasions, cuts or scrapes quickly after the session ends. Untreated cuts, scrapes and abrasions can lead to infections and also poor healing can lead to scars. Make sure to check with any playmate as to what marks are acceptable if any. It can be impossible to guarantee that there will be no marks. People mark differently. Some folks bruise more easily and others heal more slowly. People can also mark differently depending up on medication, cycle and other health and wellness factors.

Don’t play if you don’t have an aftercare plan in place. Sometimes people have intense emotional reactions to this type of sexual activity. The reactions can be at the time of the activity or they can be delayed. It is important to make sure that you have support in place in case you have a delayed reaction.

Don’t play when you are intoxicated. It is harder to make good decisions when you are intoxicated.  Impact play can be quite dangerous so it is important to have your wits about you when you engage in it.

Don’t rush your play sessions. Take your time to get the most out of an impact play session.

Don’t play with a new toy without learning something about it first.  Make sure you know what the toy can do and what the sensations might feel like.

Most of all you want to make sure that your play is sexy and fun. After all, there is no point in engaging in impact play unless it will increase your sexual pleasure and excitement.

Look out for my comprehensive list of impact toys with pictures and links in my ebook, Impact Toys, on www.the-intimacy-coach.com.

Thanks for joining me this week for the A to Z of Sex  Write in with your questions to [email protected] and visit both websites www.atozofsex.com and www.the-intimacy-coach.com to learn about alternative sexual choices, types of sexual relationships and to learn to sizzle and create that ideal lasting intimate relationship.   For a free 30 minute session with me, head over to www.atozofsex.com and click on the button that says ‘book now’.  Please join me next week when the letter will be S for Scent and joining me is the Master Parfumer, Roja Dove.

Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is Q and Q is for Queer. Queer is defined in a number of ways. Queer can be a slur used for homosexual people. Queer is also reclaimed by many people who have non-mainstream sexual orientation or gender identification. Queer theory is an academic discipline that studies all things non-binary – so polyamory, bisexuality, and non-binary gender, gender fluid and transgender. To learn a full history of the term Queer, check out Dr Meg-John Barker’s graphic novel Queer: A Graphic History.

Joining me today is Shula Melamed who is a Relationship and Wellness Coach located in New York City. She has been coaching individuals, couples and groups on topics of intimacy, sexuality, healthy relationships, social skills and adhering to health and wellness programs. In addition to working with her clients she has also done research on the popularity of pole dancing classes, has worked as an ethnographer of youth subcultures in New York City, on public health research on drug use and adherence to HIV medication and as a sexual health advisor for the sex positive underwear line Oddo.

Shula thanks for joining me! To start, how do you define queer? Shula defined queer in a similar manner to mine. Our conversation covered privilege, intersectionality, and the need for people on the LGBTQIA spectrum to be seen. We spoke about how invisibility has mental health and physical health consequences and how queer can be seen entirely politically. Shula spoke about how the millennials seem to have more fluid ideas about gender, sexuality and relationship structure. She mentioned someone who identifies as demi-sexual who says that she cannot have sex with anyone unless she has an emotional relationship with the person. I had never heard the term demi-sexual before. I pointed out that this is the way sexual relationships were seen in generations past – only to be had in relationships that had an emotional connection and component.

Shula offers listeners a complimentary 30 minute Skype session.

Head over to her website www.shulamelamed.com and mention that you heard her on the A to Z of Sex podcast.

She can be found on Facebook (shulamelamedmamph), twitter: @shulamelamed and linked in (shulamelamed).

Thanks for joining me this week for the A to Z of Sex Write in with your questions to [email protected] and visit both websites www.atozofsex.com and www.the-intimacy-coach.com to learn about alternative sexual choices, types of sexual relationships and to learn to sizzle and create that ideal lasting intimate relationship. For a free 30 minute session with me, head over to www.atozofsex.com and click on the button that says ‘book now’. Please join me next week when the letter will be R.

Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is Q and Q is for Queer. Queer is defined in a number of ways.  Queer can be a slur used for homosexual people.  Queer is also reclaimed by many people who have non-mainstream sexual orientation or gender identification. Queer theory is an academic discipline that studies all things non-binary – so polyamory, bisexuality, and non-binary gender, gender fluid and transgender. To learn a full history of the term Queer, check out Dr Meg-John Barker’s graphic novel Queer: A Graphic History. 

Joining me today is Shula Melamed who is a Relationship and Wellness Coach located in New York City. She has been coaching individuals, couples and groups on topics of intimacy, sexuality, healthy relationships, social skills and adhering to health and wellness programs. In addition to working with her clients she has also done research on the popularity of pole dancing classes, has worked as an ethnographer of youth subcultures in New York City, on public health research on drug use and adherence to HIV medication and as a sexual health advisor for the sex positive underwear line Oddo.

Shula thanks for joining me! To start, how do you define queer? Shula defined queer in a similar manner to mine. Our conversation covered privilege, intersectionality, and the need for people on the LGBTQIA spectrum to be seen. We spoke about how invisibility has mental health and physical health consequences and how queer can be seen entirely politically.  Shula spoke about how the millennials seem to have more fluid ideas about gender, sexuality and relationship structure.  She mentioned someone who identifies as demi-sexual who says that she cannot have sex with anyone unless she has an emotional relationship with the person. I had never heard the term demi-sexual before. I pointed out that this is the way sexual relationships were seen in generations past – only to be had in relationships that had an emotional connection and component. 

Shula offers listeners a complimentary 30 minute Skype session.

Head over to her website www.shulamelamed.com and mention that you heard her on the A to Z of Sex podcast.

She can be found on Facebook (shulamelamedmamph), twitter: @shulamelamed and linked in (shulamelamed).

Thanks for joining me this week for the A to Z of Sex  Write in with your questions to [email protected] and visit both websites www.atozofsex.com and www.the-intimacy-coach.com to learn about alternative sexual choices, types of sexual relationships and to learn to sizzle and create that ideal lasting intimate relationship.   For a free 30 minute session with me, head over to www.atozofsex.com and click on the button that says ‘book now’.  Please join me next week when the letter will be R.

Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is O and O is for Open Relationships. There are many types of open relationship. In general, a relationship is considered open when it contains more than two people (e.g. people are not being monogamous).

In this podcast, I will take you through the different types of open relationships, speak about some of the positives about open relationships, some of the issues that arise from open relationships, and finally point you in the direction of additional information.

I speak from long professional experience as I have worked with many people considering open relationships, in open relationships and ending open relationships over the years. I also speak from personal experience as I am presently in a polyamorous marriage and have been polyamorous in some previous relationships.

Please note that I am talk about consensual open relationships in this show – that is where everyone knows that people may have more than one partner. Non-consensual open relationships are called cheating. I will only address cheating in relation to consensual open relationships. The subject of cheating in general is for a whole other show.

Let’s start with open relationships that are open only for other sex partners (rather than for other love relationships). Some couples make the agreement that each of them (or sometimes only one of them) can have other sexual partners. This type of relationship comes in many forms.

Most common is the couple who spend considerable time away from each other and agree that ‘what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas’. This is a don’t ask, don’t situation. Usually the couple makes an agreement about types of partners, safe sex, type of sex, contact after the return from a trip. For example, I remember one couple who agreed that oral sex was acceptable but fucking was not. They agreed that there would be no further contact once the trip was over, no email addresses or phone numbers exchanged and that all oral sex would be with condoms or dental dams. Some couples agree sexual intercourse

Positives for this type of arrangement: If both partners are truly comfortable with it, it is a no muss no fuss arrangement.

Potential issues: If either partner really wants to know the details of the other partner’s sexual experiences, experiences insecurity, or experiences distrust of their partner. Note that I didn’t mention jealousy as a potential issues. This is because often people feel jealousy but are able to deal with this emotion effectively. Jealousy in open relationships is often related to a lack of time (feeling their partner is spending more sexual time with others than themselves) or sometimes if one partner is not having additional experiences, then there can be jealousy about the fun the partner is having without them.

The second type of open relationship still involves people in the relationship having separate experiences but in this situation, one or both tell each other about the experience. Sometimes they simply tell each other that they are going out on a date. Other times, they share details of the experience for social enjoyment and still other times they share intimate details as part of their own sexual relationship.

I am reminded of a couple who used to vet each other’s potential dates. They would look at profiles online, google the people and sometimes even have a brief conversation. They did this even though they were not looking at on going relationships with other people but just at short term sexual relationships.

I worked with Jane and Sandy in the 90’s. They used sex with other people as a way to spice up their own sexual relationship. Though they did not invite anyone to join

Hi everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is O and O is for Open Relationships. There are many types of open relationship.  In general, a relationship is considered open when it contains more than two people (e.g. people are not being monogamous).  

In this podcast, I will take you through the different types of open relationships, speak about some of the positives about open relationships, some of the issues that arise from open relationships, and finally point you in the direction of additional information.  

I speak from long professional experience as I have worked with many people considering open relationships, in open relationships and ending open relationships over the years. I also speak from personal experience as I am presently in a polyamorous marriage and have been polyamorous in some previous relationships. 

Please note that I am talk about consensual open relationships in this show – that is where everyone knows that people may have more than one partner.  Non-consensual open relationships are called cheating. I will only address cheating in relation to consensual open relationships. The subject of cheating in general is for a whole other show.

Let’s start with open relationships that are open only for other sex partners (rather than for other love relationships). Some couples make the agreement that each of them (or sometimes only one of them) can have other sexual partners. This type of relationship comes in many forms.

Most common is the couple who spend considerable time away from each other and agree that ‘what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas’. This is a don’t ask, don’t situation. Usually the couple makes an agreement about types of partners, safe sex, type of sex, contact after the return from a trip. For example, I remember one couple who agreed that oral sex was acceptable but fucking was not. They agreed that there would be no further contact once the trip was over, no email addresses or phone numbers exchanged and that all oral sex would be with condoms or dental dams. Some couples agree sexual intercourse

Positives for this type of arrangement: If both partners are truly comfortable with it, it is a no muss no fuss arrangement. 

Potential issues: If either partner really wants to know the details of the other partner’s sexual experiences, experiences insecurity, or experiences distrust of their partner. Note that I didn’t mention jealousy as a potential issues. This is because often people feel jealousy but are able to deal with this emotion effectively. Jealousy in open relationships is often related to a lack of time (feeling their partner is spending more sexual time with others than themselves) or sometimes if one partner is not having additional experiences, then there can be jealousy about the fun the partner is having without them.

The second type of open relationship still involves people in the relationship having separate experiences but in this situation, one or both tell each other about the experience. Sometimes they simply tell each other that they are going out on a date. Other times, they share details of the experience for social enjoyment and still other times they share intimate details as part of their own sexual relationship. 

I am reminded of a couple who used to vet each other’s potential dates. They would look at profiles online, google the people and sometimes even have a brief conversation. They did this even though they were not looking at on going relationships with other people but just at short term sexual relationships.   

I worked with Jane and Sandy in the 90’s. They used sex with other people as a way to spice up their own sexual relationship. Though they did not invite anyone to join them as a couple, they would bring their outside sexual experiences into the bedroom in long detailed stories during foreplay and sometimes during fucking as well. 

Couples who are in this type of open arrangement usually have agreements about safe sex, partner choice (e.g. don’t choose anyone they both know, or from work), and contact with the sexual partner after the sexual experience.  

Positives of this type of open relationship: Adds excitement to the original sexual relationship by providing new energy, new ideas and sometimes directly through the sharing of sexual details, can help partners to get sexual needs met that they cannot get met in their primary relationship.  

Potential issues are the same as in the last type of open relationship. 

Swinging (including threesomes): Swinging is usually defined as when people in a committed relationship engage in sexual relationships with others for fun.  Some swinging is private where couple invite another person to join them for a threesome or a couple invites another couple to join them. Other swinging is public and takes place at private parties or clubs. 

Couples choose to swing for a whole host of reasons. Some couples have one or both partners who are bisexual and swinging allows them to enjoy sexual relationships with other genders. Some couples simply want to spice up their sexual relationships.  Other couples are happier when non-monogamous.  Some people who have health issues that interfere with full sexual expression enjoy watching their partners having sex with another person. Some people enjoy exhibitionism and like to have sex in front of other people.  

Positives for swinging include bringing new energy into the relationship, spicing up the sexual relationship, allowing partners a wider sexual expression and exploration.  Potential issues include issues around jealousy – particularly comparing self to the new partner, one partner ‘going along’ with swinging because of the other partner and not really enjoying the experience or feeling pressured, sexually transmitted diseases, lack of clarity about agreements in relation to swinging (contacting new partners separately or after the experience). 

Attending a swing club can be a fairly easy way to see if you want to open your relationship as often it is OK to simply watch others and you can see how you react to being in the presence of others, dealing with others approaching you with offers to play and dealing with others admiring you and/or your partner.

Then there is polyamory. Polyamory is when people have more than one sexual and loving relationships with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved.  In practice, polyamory takes many forms. Some people have hierarchical relationships where there is a primary relationship that is prioritised.  For example, a married couple may also have relationships with others but they prioritise their marital relationship. Sometimes polyamorous folks have a mix of casual and serious relationships. Sometimes everyone gets to know all other partners.  Other times they choose not to know each other.  There are relationships that look more polygamous in nature where there is one ‘husband’ and a number of ‘wives’ (or the reverse). 

Why does someone choose to be in a polyamorous relationship? 

There are lots of reasons. Many people believe that one person cannot meet all of your needs and feel that they are non-monogamous by nature. I am bisexual and find that polyamory allows me to be fully myself sexually as I can have relationships with all genders. 

Sometimes a couple discover that they have very different sexual drives or sexual interests and polyamory can make it possible for them to continue a relationship and get their differing needs met in other relationships.  Sometimes it is not for the sexual interests but rather for the emotional or intellectual interests or pursuits. James and Jeremy came in to see me when they were considering opening up their relationship. James had a chronic illness and was on medication that robbed him of his libido. Viagra helped him to gain an erection but he still found that he had little interest most of the time. Jeremy had always been highly sexed and was finding their dwindling sex life devastating.  They loved each other and had been together for 15 years and had no desire to end their relationship. James wanted Jeremy to be satisfied and brought up opening their relationship. Jeremy was worried that James would become jealous and things would become worse. They spent time in coaching working out a set of rules about other relationships. They took things very slowly.  When problems arose, they worked through the issues together. Three years after I last saw them in coaching, they were still going strong. They had discovered that James enjoyed watching Jeremy with other people and had a few men that they regularly invited in to their relationship.

People get involved in open relationships because they wish a challenge, or because they want more freedom to experiment. Sometimes they form open relationships because they live in different parts of the world and others because having multiple spouses makes finances and child care easier. Larry and Ros lived 6000 miles apart. Both had successful careers and both had children from previous relationships that they cared for part time so neither were in a position to easily move. They chose to have an open relationship as they were limited to seeing each other four to six times per year. Ros felt she was naturally non-monogamous and had little difficulty adjusting.  Larry found it hard at first as he felt very possessive of Ros. It took some time for them to work through the issues around Larry’s possessiveness but they were able to do this by agreeing that Ros would not date men.

Polyfidelity is when a group of people enter a relationship together and agree to only being sexually involved with people in the group.  In some cases, there are clear sleeping schedules to decide who has sex with whom when and in others there are not.  

Poly monogamy: This is when one partner is polyamorous and the other monogamous. This is often a very difficult situation.  Sometimes this situation arises because a monogamous person falls in love with someone who is polyamorous. Other times a relationship starts out monogamous and one person realises they are truly polyamorous. Sometimes a monogamous person will approach a polyamorous relationship believing that they can change the person to be monogamous. (He won’t need those other women once he realises I am The One.) It is possible to make poly monogamous relationships work but it takes a lot of work to do so. 

If you wish to increase the possibility that an open relationship will be successful, this is my advice:

1. Consider your own reasons for desiring an open relationship – Know Thyself.  Make sure that you have full understanding of your needs and desires.
2. If you are single, have a clear idea as to the rules for you – what are you looking for. Are you content to stay single or are you looking for at least one relationship that will lead to living together or marriage.
3. If you are in a couple are opening your relationship, create clear rules. Are you considering having someone join you either temporarily or permanently?  Do you want the right to tell your partner ‘no’ when it comes to any potential date, playmate or partner?  Is your relationship going to be prioritised?  How will conflicts over time be decided?  What are your rules about safe sex?  Are relationships casual only?  What are your rules about electronic contact (email, text, social media?). 
4. Figure out how you will deal with triggers and with jealousy
5. If you are in a couple, work on any relationship issues before opening up if possible
6. Get some coaching to establish your open relationship blueprint – structure, rules, tool kit before opening up or soon after opening up.
7. Make sure you have established some social support amongst people who will not freak out because you have chosen non-monogamy. The last thing you will want to hear if you are having a rough time in your relationship is someone telling you that the only reason this is happening is because you are a freak and non-monogamous.
8. Setting boundaries (physical, time and emotional) is very important in managing multiple relationships. Make sure that you are good at doing this and if you are not, learn to be better.
9. In order to manage multiple relationships, you must be a great communicator and be a good negotiator. If these are not your strong points, take some time to learn to be better and practice a lot.  

Greta wrote in and asked if it is possible to cheat on someone if you are in a polyamorous relationship. 

Yes Greta it is very possible. The bottom line for all ethical non-monogamous relationships is that all partners are aware that there are multiple relationships.  If one partner hides a sexual and/or romantic relationship from the other partner(s), that is cheating.  The dishonesty involved in cheating is the most damaging factor to the relationship. When trust is broken in a relationship, it is very difficult to repair. The amount of damage is usually related to how much the trust was broken.  For example, a one night stand is usually less damaging than a 6 month long relationship.     

Jerry wrote in and asked for some tips to manage jealousy. You are less likely to feel jealous if you are feeling secure in yourself so one tip is to do things to make sure you are secure in yourself and secure in the relationship.  You are also less likely to have major jealousy if you are involved in your own pursuits.  If you know you tend to feel jealous when your partner goes out on a date, make sure that you have something to do that evening – a project, a date yourself, or getting together with friends. Sometimes jealousy results because your partner tries something new with someone else. That one may take a bit more to work through. Try to look at how much fun it can be when your partner is introducing you to something new rather than focusing on doing new things together all the time. 

I will be writing more on polyamory in the coming weeks so head over to www.the-intimacy-coach.com and have a read of my blog and sign up for the newsletter.  Email me for a reference list on my recommended books on open relationships.

Thanks for joining me this week for the A to Z of Sex  Write in with your questions to [email protected] and visit both websites www.atozofsex.com and www.the-intimacy-coach.com to learn about alternative sexual choices, types of sexual relationships and to learn to sizzle and create that ideal lasting intimate relationship. For a free 30 minute session with me, head over to www.atozofsex.com and click on the button that says ‘book now’.  Please join me next week when the letter will be P and P is for Porn.

Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Today the letter is N and N is for Naked. Naked can be the state of being undressed but it can also refer to being exposed, open and vulnerable in terms of our feelings.

Joining me today is International Speaker and Relationship Coach, Mai Vu. She works with women entrepreneurs who are divorced & dating again. Helping them take their business to the first $10k/mo level, be on purpose, attract the love of their life, while raising healthy thriving kids. Mai has a successful 6 figure-coaching business, serving over 1000 women worldwide for the past 20 years. She has also trained and certified over 1000 Life Coaches. Mai is the best-selling author of The Divorced Mom’s Guide to Dating: How To Be Loved, Adored, & Cherished.

Welcome to the show. Mai first spoke about being naked physically and emotionally. She spoke about how difficult it is for women to be seen – without makeup (naked face), without clothing, with their real emotions – in public and even in private with their intimate partners. We spoke about how different cultures view modesty and nakedness and where the line is between the two. We spoke of how hard it is for women to be seen without being judged by cultural standards and that even in situations designed to showcase nakedness women can be seen as inappropriate or pornographic rather than erotic and beautiful. We spoke of how difficult men can find nakedness – their own and that of others. Mai invites listeners to have a look at her book on https://www.amazon.co.uk/Divorced-Moms-Guide-Dating-Cherished-ebook/dp/B01DEBPFKG/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1480715520&sr=8-5&keywords=Mai+Vu ( Amazon) or US Amazon and to get in touch with her via her website or Facebook.

Thanks for joining me this week for the A to Z of Sex. Write in with your questions to [email protected] and visit both websites www.atozofsex.com and www.the-intimacy-coach.com to learn about alternative sexual choices, types of sexual relationships and to learn to sizzle and create that ideal lasting intimate relationship. For a free 30 minute session with me, head over to http://www.atozofsex.com (www.atozofsex.com) and click on the button that says ‘book now’. Please join me next week when the letter will be O…

Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Today the letter is N and N is for Naked. Naked can be the state of being undressed but it can also refer to being exposed, open and vulnerable in terms of our feelings. 

Joining me today is International Speaker and Relationship Coach, Mai Vu.  She works with women entrepreneurs who are divorced & dating again. Helping them take their business to the first $10k/mo level, be on purpose, attract the love of their life, while raising healthy thriving kids. Mai has a successful 6 figure-coaching business, serving over 1000 women worldwide for the past 20 years. She has also trained and certified over 1000 Life Coaches. Mai is the best-selling author of The Divorced Mom’s Guide to Dating: How To Be Loved, Adored, & Cherished.

Welcome to the show. Mai first spoke about being naked physically and emotionally. She spoke about how difficult it is for women to be seen – without makeup (naked face), without clothing, with their real emotions – in public and even in private with their intimate partners. We spoke about how different cultures view modesty and nakedness and where the line is between the two.  We spoke of how hard it is for women to be seen without being judged by cultural standards and that even in situations designed to showcase nakedness women can be seen as inappropriate or pornographic rather than erotic and beautiful.  We spoke of how difficult men can find nakedness – their own and that of others. Mai invites listeners to have a look at her book on Amazon or US Amazon and to get in touch with her via her website or Facebook. 

Thanks for joining me this week for the A to Z of Sex. Write in with your questions to [email protected] and visit both websites www.atozofsex.com and www.the-intimacy-coach.com to learn about alternative sexual choices, types of sexual relationships and to learn to sizzle and create that ideal lasting intimate relationship. For a free 30 minute session with me, head over to www.atozofsex.com and click on the button that says ‘book now’.  Please join me next week when the letter will be O…