The A to Z of Sex

Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is C and C is for Consent. Consent is an issue that has always been tricking when talking about sexual activity.

Joining me today is Shula Melamed who is a Relationship and Wellness Coach located in New York City. She has been coaching individuals, couples and groups on topics of intimacy, sexuality, healthy relationships, social skills and adhering to health and wellness programs. In addition to working with her clients she has also done research on the popularity of pole dancing classes, has worked as an ethnographer of youth subcultures in New York City, on public health research on drug use and adherence to HIV medication and as a sexual health advisor for the sex positive underwear line Oddo.

Shula thanks for joining me! So where shall we start on this tricky topic?

We talked about consent from the point of where we learn that our bodies belong to us through to consenting for complex sexual relationships. We talked about the Cup of Tea video and the link to this is here. We spoke about how heterosexual couples approach consent and how hard it can be for people to think about what they desire and to talk clearly about their boundaries and limits. We talked about how the wider culture influences our own beliefs about acceptable boundaries, limits and the necessity of consent. Ultimately we saw three steps – 1 Know your own limits and desires, 2 Communicate well about your limits and desires, 3 Negotiate consent clearly.

Shula offers listeners a complimentary 30 minute Skype session.

Head over to her website www.shulamelamed.com

She can be found on Facebook (shulamelamedmamph), twitter: @shulamelamed and linked in (shulamelamed).

Thanks for joining me this week for the A to Z of Sex. Write in with your questions to [email protected] and visit both websites www.atozofsex.com and www.the-intimacy-coach.com to learn about alternative sexual choices, types of sexual relationships and to learn to sizzle and create that ideal lasting intimate relationship. For a free 30 minute session with me, head over to http://www.atozofsex.com (www.atozofsex.com) and click on the button that says ‘book now’. Please join me next week when the letter will be D for Dating and Sex.

Hi everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of Sex.  I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is C and C is for Consent. Consent is an issue that has always been tricking when talking about sexual activity. 

Joining me today is Shula Melamed who is a Relationship and Wellness Coach located in New York City. She has been coaching individuals, couples and groups on topics of intimacy, sexuality, healthy relationships, social skills and adhering to health and wellness programs. In addition to working with her clients she has also done research on the popularity of pole dancing classes, has worked as an ethnographer of youth subcultures in New York City, on public health research on drug use and adherence to HIV medication and as a sexual health advisor for the sex positive underwear line Oddo. 

Shula thanks for joining me! So where shall we start on this tricky topic?

We talked about consent from the point of where we learn that our bodies belong to us through to consenting for complex sexual relationships. We talked about the Cup of Tea video and the link to this is here. We spoke about how heterosexual couples approach consent and how hard it can be for people to think about what they desire and to talk clearly about their boundaries and limits. We talked about how the wider culture influences our own beliefs about acceptable boundaries, limits and the necessity of consent. Ultimately we saw three steps – 1 Know your own limits and desires, 2 Communicate well about your limits and desires, 3 Negotiate consent clearly.

Shula offers listeners a complimentary 30 minute Skype session.

Head over to her website www.shulamelamed.com

She can be found on Facebook (shulamelamedmamph), twitter: @shulamelamed and linked in (shulamelamed).

Thanks for joining me this week for the A to Z of Sex. Write in with your questions to [email protected] and visit both websites www.atozofsex.com and www.the-intimacy-coach.com to learn about alternative sexual choices, types of sexual relationships and to learn to sizzle and create that ideal lasting intimate relationship. For a free 30 minute session with me, head over to www.atozofsex.com and click on the button that says ‘book now’.  Please join me next week when the letter will be D for Dating and Sex.

 

 

 

If B is for Bondage

Hi everyone! Welcome to the second series of the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is B and B is for Bondage.

People who enjoy bondage enjoy being restrained. This can take many forms from the very simple using neck ties to tie someone’s legs to the bedposts to using handcuffs, to ornate Shibari (Japanese Bondage) to suspending someone. Some people enjoy having their senses restrained by being in a mask that limits sight, smell and hearing. Others just enjoy a blindfold.

Before we being to delve into the different types of bondage, down to the nitty gritty along with do’s and don’t’s and some recommendations for learning, I’d like to talk a bit about why people report enjoying bondage. To people who have never tried anything like bondage, the whole idea can seem frightening. After all, most people associate bondage with something that is done without your consent. Consent is first priority when engaging in bondage with a partner. Next week’s podcast C is for Consent delves into the subject in great detail.

Could bondage be something you would enjoy? If you haven’t tried any bondage, think about how you feel when someone sets up a surprise for you. If you have ever been blindfolded or told to close your eyes before a surprise, you will remember that feeling of butterflies in your stomach – a mixture of anxiety and excitement – that most people experience when the blindfold goes on. We rely on our sight so much that being without it can be scary indeed but when you agree to have a surprise, then usually most people enjoy that bit of fear, anxiety and excitement and if the surprise is a good one, the whole experience is exciting and becomes a fond memory.

If you think about the blindfold experience for a moment, note what it is about that experience that gives you the butterflies. Is it partly excitement? Is it fear? Is it partly being out of control? For many people it is all of these things. This is also true for other kinds of bondage.

Here are some of the things clients have told me about why they enjoy bondage so much:

Jade told me that for her it is freeing. She said that giving up control and responsibility free her of all anxiety and allows her to accept pleasure.

Robert told me that for him bondage allows him to fully surrender. He said that he finds it almost impossible to surrender to his partner without being restrained. He said that restraint allows him to submit without fighting.

Margie told me that she likes the feeling of being held by the ropes that restrain her. Margie enjoys shibari and says she loves being tied into an intricate rope corset. She says that being held closely makes her feel secure and loved.

Virginia likes being restrained in handcuffs and chains. She says that the chains excite her and that they allow her to act out her fantasy of being a captive. Virginia says that she finds it hard to accept pleasure and that being chained means she doesn’t have a choice but to accept what her lover chooses to do to her.

John likes being wrapped like a mummy. He says that he loves the total sensory deprivation. He says that his experiences are intense and that he has had the most amazing orgasms when in this space.

As you can see, each person has a different experience and different reasons for enjoying bondage. Some people enjoy bondage as part of a power exchange and others enjoy bondage on its own as part of an equal relationship. Some enjoy bondage and discipline and others just enjoy bondage.

Before we move on to the descriptions and the how to part, let’s talk about safety. First it is advisable to be sober when engaging in bondage

There are some obvious things to consider like making sure that any...

 If B is for Bondage

Hi everyone!  Welcome to the second series of the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is B and B is for Bondage. 

People who enjoy bondage enjoy being restrained. This can take many forms from the very simple using neck ties to tie someone’s legs to the bedposts to using handcuffs, to ornate Shibari (Japanese Bondage) to suspending someone.  Some people enjoy having their senses restrained by being in a mask that limits sight, smell and hearing. Others just enjoy a blindfold.

Before we being to delve into the different types of bondage, down to the nitty gritty along with do’s and don’t’s and some recommendations for learning, I’d like to talk a bit about why people report enjoying bondage. To people who have never tried anything like bondage, the whole idea can seem frightening.  After all, most people associate bondage with something that is done without your consent. Consent is first priority when engaging in bondage with a partner.  Next week’s podcast C is for Consent delves into the subject in great detail.  

Could bondage be something you would enjoy? If you haven’t tried any bondage, think about how you feel when someone sets up a surprise for you. If you have ever been blindfolded or told to close your eyes before a surprise, you will remember that feeling of butterflies in your stomach – a mixture of anxiety and excitement – that most people experience when the blindfold goes on. We rely on our sight so much that being without it can be scary indeed but when you agree to have a surprise, then usually most people enjoy that bit of fear, anxiety and excitement and if the surprise is a good one, the whole experience is exciting and becomes a fond memory.

If you think about the blindfold experience for a moment, note what it is about that experience that gives you the butterflies. Is it partly excitement?  Is it fear? Is it partly being out of control? For many people it is all of these things. This is also true for other kinds of bondage.

Here are some of the things clients have told me about why they enjoy bondage so much:

Jade told me that for her it is freeing. She said that giving up control and responsibility free her of all anxiety and allows her to accept pleasure.

Robert told me that for him bondage allows him to fully surrender. He said that he finds it almost impossible to surrender to his partner without being restrained. He said that restraint allows him to submit without fighting.

Margie told me that she likes the feeling of being held by the ropes that restrain her. Margie enjoys shibari and says she loves being tied into an intricate rope corset. She says that being held closely makes her feel secure and loved.   

Virginia likes being restrained in handcuffs and chains. She says that the chains excite her and that they allow her to act out her fantasy of being a captive.   Virginia says that she finds it hard to accept pleasure and that being chained means she doesn’t have a choice but to accept what her lover chooses to do to her.

John likes being wrapped like a mummy. He says that he loves the total sensory deprivation. He says that his experiences are intense and that he has had the most amazing orgasms when in this space.

As you can see, each person has a different experience and different reasons for enjoying bondage. Some people enjoy bondage as part of a power exchange and others enjoy bondage on its own as part of an equal relationship. Some enjoy bondage and discipline and others just enjoy bondage. 

Before we move on to the descriptions and the how to part, let’s talk about safety. First it is advisable to be sober when engaging in bondage

There are some obvious things to consider like making sure that any bonds are not cutting off any circulation. This is true for looking at handcuffs and chains as well as rope and other cloth. 

Never tie anything around the neck in way that can tighten. It is simply dangerous. If you are chaining someone via a neck loop, there should be enough chain for them to fall to the floor. 

Make sure to tie above or below a joint not on a joint. Avoid tying tightly on pressure points (or at all if possible). Learn to tie off knots so that things cannot slip or get tighter. 

Particular risks with bondage:

Some people faint when bound too tightly. Others faint when bound in particular positions with the bindings in particular places. This is why it is best to take a good workshop on bondage 101 before diving into doing bondage with your partner. 

Don’t leave someone tied for too long. If you are feeling pins and needles you need out of the bondage before lasting damage is done. 

Never leave someone restrained unattended and if the person is gagged, never leave them out of your sight. Check in regularly with the person to see how things are feeling. This may not seem sexy but at the beginning it is essential to learn how different things feel to the person who is restrained so that you can make sure that the person is safe and also to confirm enjoyment. 

Types of bondage:

Bondage to make someone sexually accessible: Sometimes called sexual bondage where the main feature is to be able to make someone sexually available. Examples are tying legs to the bedposts so someone is spread eagled, tying in a way the exposes ass and vagina (hogtie can work this way where hands and feet are behind the back and tied and then they are tied together). Sometimes a rope or chain is placed at the crop, putting pressure on the genitals. Sometimes the top might tie a person and then sexually tease them instead of using the person sexually themselves.

Bondage for a purpose: Some bondage is for a specific purpose like making someone accessible for a spanking or tying in a decorative way to display someone. Sometimes people are tied into position to be furniture or chained so that they can perform a particular service. People can be tied into position on bondage furniture or restrained with handcuffs or chains. For example over a bondage bench or on a St Andrew’s Cross. 

Restraint for torture: In this form of bondage, a person is tied into a position that is uncomfortable. This can be done as punishment or as part of sexual play.

Meditative bondage is not seen much in the west but in Japan it is more common. The person is restrained and then spends the time meditating and it is expected will reach a higher level of spiritual enlightenment.

Bondage for sensory deprivation (partial or total). In this type of bondage, one goal is sensory deprivation and/or sensory control. Gags are used in this way.  There are many types of gag. Some of them completely block the possibility of talking.  Others do not. Some people are confined in complete head masks with padding so that sound is muffled and sight is not possible.  Some masks/hoods go further and block the mouth as well leaving only small breathing holes. Some people use gas masks too.

Breast bondage is popular. Breasts are sometimes decorated and then bound in a way that is also decorative.

Verbal bondage is practiced when a person is restrained from speaking. This can take a physical form through the use of a gag or tape over the mouth or it can simply be an agreement that someone will not talk until released to do so.

Materials used for bondage:

Bondage tape is specifically designed to use for bondage.  It comes in many colours and is easy to cut through in order to release someone quickly.

Rope: Ropes come in many types of thickness and many materials. Hemp and silk are the most commonly used for bondage but there are heavier ropes and scratchy ropes picked particularly because they cause additional stimulation.  

Scarves and ties are frequently used because they are easy to grab hold of in most households and are soft in texture.

Leather belts are used again because of the ease in getting hold of them and also the ease in releasing someone. 

Chains. People use thin decorative chains and also use thick heavy chains. It depends up on what they are trying to accomplish with the bondage.

Handcuffs, leather wrist and ankle restraints: There are lots of different type of cuffs from the standard police metal to antique Victorian iron ones to padded leather cuffs specifically designed for bondage. Sometimes spreader bars are use to bind a person in a position with their legs and/or arms spread.

Straight jackets are used to bind arms to body and to restrict movement. This is a more intense method of bondage than using just wrist and ankle restraints.  

People who like mummification can be wrapped in saran wrap (cling film), wrapped in a sleeping bag or in a leather or latex wrap designed for full body restraint. People who are claustrophobic (have a morbid fear of enclosed spaces) usually find this type of bondage extremely difficult. 

Cages are loosely defined as bondage as they restrict your movement to a small area. Cages appeal to some people who enjoy being confined but not closely confined. They also appeal to people who physically cannot manage being in bondage for any period of time without risking physical injury (people who have autoimmune disease for example or those who have osteo arthritis).  This is because they allow the person to be restrained without the threat of unwanted injury. People who are claustrophobic can have trouble with this type of bondage.  

Kinbaku: Kinbaku means tight binding in Japanese and is a Japanese style of BDSM that involves tying up the bottom using rope in intricate designs.  This has come to also be called shibari in the west which means to tie or to bind.  There are lots of rules about the aesthetics of kinbaku but equally important is the part of kinbaku that has to do with the relationship between the person who is doing the tying and the one being tied.   It should be noted that this type of bondage is very particular with a particular set of aesthetics and a particular set of goals for the tie.  It is best learned from a master of the art.    If you are a fan of rituals then Kinbaku may very well appeal to you and work well for you. 

Here are my do’s and don’t’s for exploring this erotic area:

• Do talk long and in depth with the person you are going to engage in bondage with
• Do make sure you are clear on consent
• Do be clear about limits, health conditions and be clear on safe word.
• Do at least take a bondage 101/intro workshop in person rather than just reading books (although there are good books out there).
• Do enjoy choosing the restraints together.
• Do try a number of different types of bondage and restraint and see what you enjoy most.
• Do make time to talk with your partner after the session and compare notes, make sure that you are both happy with the session
• Do take your time and explore. 
• Don’t rush into engaging in bondage without training.
• Don’t engage in bondage with someone when you or they are intoxicated.
• Don’t engage in bondage with someone before you have talked about what you plan to do. This should be a thorough negotiation.
• Don’t leave someone who is bound on their own without a means of release. 
• Don’t engage in bondage without telling the person you are engaging in it with the details of your physical health and any physical or psychological limitations you might have.

Those are my main do’s and don’t’s. Resources can be found at the end of the blog for this podcast.

Resources:

For rope: http://www.esinem-rope.com/

For tutorials: http://esinem.com/

http://www.beautifulbondage.net/store/index.php?route=information/information&information_id=7

Bondage gear: https://www.extremerestraints.com/bondage-gear_10/

Books:

Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage - Midori

Erotic Bondage Jay Wiseman

Two Knotty Boys Showing You the Ropes

Thanks for joining me this week for the A to Z of Sex. Write in with your questions to [email protected] and visit both websites www.atozofsex.com and www.the-intimacy-coach.com to learn about alternative sexual choices, types of sexual relationships and to learn to sizzle and create that ideal lasting intimate relationship. For a free 30 minute session with me, head over to www.atozofsex.com and click on the button that says ‘book now’.

If you have enjoyed this podcast, please leave a review on iTunes and/or Stitcher and please subscribe! Join me next week when the letter will be C and C is for Consent.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hi everyone! Welcome to the second series of the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is A and A is for Anal.

In heterosexual couples, anal play and anal sex are often seen as difficult to approach or even taboo. For many, anal play and anal sex are seen as kinky and reserved for only those partner who they are most committed to. Some of my clients did not save their virginity for their husband but did save their anal virginity for their husband!

There is stigma around heterosexual men who enjoy anal stimulation. Often they worry that they are bisexual or gay. They can become concerned about how their women will view them and whether they will be seen as submissive. Some men who enjoy anal stimulation and anal sex (pegging) are submissive. Others are not.

People have many health concerns relating to anal play and anal sex. HIV is more easily transmitted through anal sex because the lining of the anus means there are more likely to be slight skin breaks and this way the virus gains entry into the blood stream. Because fecal material exits the body through the anus, there is often some still inside and so any oral anal play runs the risk of all the infections carried in poop. Condoms, finger cots (for those 1 finger adventures), gloves and dental dams are essential to preventing transmission of infections. Many people like the feel of lamb skin condoms but these can be virus permeable so don’t rely on them for protection from infection. Oil based lubricants on latex condoms are a problem so stick to water based or silicone (which stays slippery longer). Don’t use condoms with spermicide as this will irritate the membrane.

Don’t move from anal play to vaginal or oral play without washing with antibacterial soap. This goes for using fingers, dicks, dildos, fists.

Anal sex can be extremely erotic but people are often put off because they are afraid it will be painful. The job of the anus is to expel waste so the motion is to push poop out. When you are engaging in anal play, you are doing the opposite – you are pushing things in and you want the anus to relax somewhat in order to allow the fingers, tongue, toys or dick inside. If you move too quickly, your anus can go into spasm and this can hurt intensely.

The anus is richly populated with nerve endings and these nerves are connected to the rest of the pelvic region. It also contracts rhythmically when you have an orgasm.

The sphincter is made up of two rings of muscle and they function independently. The outside muscle or the external sphincter is controlled by the central nervous system so you can easily tense and relax it whenever you want. The internal muscle is controlled by the autonomic nervous system which also controls response to stress amongst other things. This muscle reacts badly to fear and anxiety so if even if you are trying to relax, it will tense up automatically if you are frightened or anxious. It is worth it to spend time learning all you need to know to decrease anxiety and fear before engaging in anal sex. If you go slowly and are prepared you are far more likely to have a good time. You can learn voluntary control of the internal muscle. This is a gradual process and starts with becoming aware of the muscle.

Since poop is often in the anus, it can be a good idea to make sure you are extra clean and the best way to do this is to do an enema which will clean you out completely. If someone is going to be penetrating the anus with fingers, make sure nails are cut short and filed smooth.

You will have the best results if you are already very turned on before you start experimenting. Analingus can be easiest to manage. This is when someone licks and tongues your anus. For this to be safe, a...

Hi everyone!  Welcome to the second series of the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is A and A is for Anal.

In heterosexual couples, anal play and anal sex are often seen as difficult to approach or even taboo. For many, anal play and anal sex are seen as kinky and reserved for only those partner who they are most committed to.  Some of my clients did not save their virginity for their husband but did save their anal virginity for their husband!

There is stigma around heterosexual men who enjoy anal stimulation. Often they worry that they are bisexual or gay. They can become concerned about how their women will view them and whether they will be seen as submissive.  Some men who enjoy anal stimulation and anal sex (pegging) are submissive.  Others are not.

People have many health concerns relating to anal play and anal sex. HIV is more easily transmitted through anal sex because the lining of the anus means there are more likely to be slight skin breaks and this way the virus gains entry into the blood stream. Because fecal material exits the body through the anus, there is often some still inside and so any oral anal play runs the risk of all the infections carried in poop. Condoms, finger cots (for those 1 finger adventures), gloves and dental dams are essential to preventing transmission of infections.  Many people like the feel of lamb skin condoms but these can be virus permeable so don’t rely on them for protection from infection.  Oil based lubricants on latex condoms are a problem so stick to water based or silicone (which stays slippery longer). Don’t use condoms with spermicide as this will irritate the membrane.

Don’t move from anal play to vaginal or oral play without washing with antibacterial soap. This goes for using fingers, dicks, dildos, fists.

Anal sex can be extremely erotic but people are often put off because they are afraid it will be painful. The job of the anus is to expel waste so the motion is to push poop out.  When you are engaging in anal play, you are doing the opposite – you are pushing things in and you want the anus to relax somewhat in order to allow the fingers, tongue, toys or dick inside.  If you move too quickly, your anus can go into spasm and this can hurt intensely. 

The anus is richly populated with nerve endings and these nerves are connected to the rest of the pelvic region.  It also contracts rhythmically when you have an orgasm.

The sphincter is made up of two rings of muscle and they function independently. The outside muscle or the external sphincter is controlled by the central nervous system so you can easily tense and relax it whenever you want.  The internal muscle is controlled by the autonomic nervous system which also controls response to stress amongst other things. This muscle reacts badly to fear and anxiety so if even if you are trying to relax, it will tense up automatically if you are frightened or anxious.  It is worth it to spend time learning all you need to know to decrease anxiety and fear before engaging in anal sex. If you go slowly and are prepared you are far more likely to have a good time. You can learn voluntary control of the internal muscle.  This is a gradual process and starts with becoming aware of the muscle. 

Since poop is often in the anus, it can be a good idea to make sure you are extra clean and the best way to do this is to do an enema which will clean you out completely. If someone is going to be penetrating the anus with fingers, make sure nails are cut short and filed smooth. 

You will have the best results if you are already very turned on before you start experimenting. Analingus can be easiest to manage. This is when someone licks and tongues your anus. For this to be safe, a barrier must be used. The anus doesn’t produce lubrication of it’s own so for anal penetration lots of lubrication is key.  Saliva does not work well despite what you see in porn films – it dries up too quickly. Water based or silicone lubricants are the best and use lots.

I know that I have said this before, but going slowly can make the difference between an amazingly hot experience and tears. Taking your time makes it possible for relaxation to occur. Start with one finger, then increase slowly until your partner is comfortable enough for you to try penetration. Don’t forget to continue to touch your partner – the rest of the ass, thighs – stroking so that you keep up the level of arousal. 

Don’t look at the porn movies as the gospel in how to go about this. The reason they can go in hot and hard is that they start opening up before the cameras roll and the actors and actresses have lots of experience with anal sex. 

If you have never really explored your anus as a sensual area of your body, spend some time doing so before having another person do so. You can do this with your fingers, a small vibrator (there are anal vibrators), or a butt plug.  Butt plugs come in many materials and sizes and shapes. In my opinion, the easiest for a beginner are those made of latex or rubber and a relatively small size in the shape of a diamond. You can even take some time to build up your comfort by moving from a smaller toy to a larger toy.

Usually people begin anal with the person receiving lying on their front but not all people manage anal sex best this way. Depending on the size of the dick or dildo, this can be the most difficult position as penetration tends to be the deepest. So consider different positions (quasi-missionary, side by side) as you begin and see what feels best.     

There is a lot of fun to be had using your fingers. Start with finger tip, progress to full finger and try out different strokes with that finger. Then consider adding another finger or two. Build up slowly and enjoying seeing how your lover reacts to each new sensation. 

Anal pleasure comes in a bunch of forms. The outer portion of the rectum has lots of nerve endings and this brings one type of pleasure.  The inner portion responds to pressure primarily. Feeling the pressure is another type of pleasure as is that feeling of fullness. People who enjoy fisting (which is as it sounds – when a person uses his or her fist to penetrate someone either anally or vaginally) enjoy intense pressure. Anal stimulation can cause orgasm without any other stimulation. If you want to go for multiple anal orgasm, try using anal beads.  

For some folks, the whole act is so forbidden that it makes it really difficult to accept and enjoy any anal play. This can be even harder for men than women as some men feel that enjoying this type of play calls their masculinity and sexual identity into question. 

Prostate stimulation can be incredibly erotic for a man and bring on extremely intense orgasm. To begin, use a finger and as with all of this, take your time.   Some call the prostate the male G spot and there is even a technique to massage the prostate for intense pleasure but without ejaculation. The prostate stores semen. Apparently the more full of semen the prostate, the hornier a man will be. There are a whole host of toys specifically designed for prostate massage. Many are designed to be hands free which means you can have your hands to do other things.

Pegging is when a women uses a strap on dildo to penetrate a man’s anus.  There are a variety of things to think about before you begin.  If your man has never been fucked before, you need to start slow as you would with anyone  who has never experienced this before. Start with getting used to anal stimulation using fingers, then move to small toys and then move to larger toys. Even small dildos are not small and they feel much larger when being pushed into an ass!

Women who are not experienced using strap ons and dildos do best if they practice the getting ready and the fucking movements before trying to do this to their man. Having an artificial penis changes your center of gravity and the movements you make to fuck someone well are different than those you make when you are in the receptive role. I learned about this when I had a girlfriend who wanted me to fuck her. I took lessons from my husband in order to learn how to do this properly. You can check out my blog about this adventure on Yourtango.com (It’s called That Time My Man Taught Me How to Do Another Woman with a Strap-On). There was a lot to consider in even choosing a strap-on from picking the harness or belt to picking a dick that felt right to me.  For me, the belt that worked best was a sports model as it allowed me most control. I chose a cock that matches my skin tone and was a little larger than the average man but not jumbo size. When you are doing this, you need to consider who you will be using the dick on. You can always get a selection so you have variety for the same partner or with different partners.  

Once you have practiced a bit, start slowly with your partner. Use lots of lube and give him time to adjust as you push in deeper. Consider trying one of the spooning positions which is sometimes easier for the person being pegged to handle as penetration is often not as deep. Relax and enjoy the experience.  Relaxing makes all anal play hotter and more fun. 

If you are a bit more adventurous and find a bit of pain arousing, you could try figging. Figging is when you place a bit of skinned ginger in the anus or in the vagina. The ginger can be carved into the shape of a butt plug. Be warned, the burning is intense and many people cannot manage it at all. It will usually peak within 5 minutes and will last about 30 minutes. If you want to build the burning up again, just re-skin the ginger or tighten the muscles of the anus.

Of course there are many erotic activities that focus on the external bum too.  Spankings, wax play, and floggings are but a few. Combining stimulation of the bum (light spanking, using your nails to lightly scratch, or rubbing) with anal penetration creates intense orgasms for some people. 

Strap-ons are not just for women. Double penetration can be had when a man uses a dildo in a thigh harness to penetrate her ass as his penis penetrates her vagina. Experiment to find the right position for the dildo and go slowly!  Feeling completely filled is a sensation that cannot be easily described.  Super intense and super hot. 

Thanks for joining me this week for the A to Z of Sex. Write in with your questions to [email protected] and visit both websites www.atozofsex.com and www.the-intimacy-coach.com to learn about alternative sexual choices, types of sexual relationships and to learn to sizzle and create that ideal lasting intimate relationship.   For a free 30 minute session with me, head over to www.atozofsex.com and click on the button that says ‘book now’.   If you have enjoyed this podcast, please leave a review on iTunes and/or Sticher and please subscribe! Join me next week when the letter will be B and B is for Bondage

Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is Z and Z is for Zelophilia and other paraphilias.

Paraphilias were initially identified in 1886 by Richard von Krafft-Ebing in his book Psychopathia Sexualis. The word paraphilia is from the Greek beyond usual and typical love. Paraphilias are methods of sexual expression that are out of the ordinary and often referred to as deviations or perversions. When a non-normative sexual practice is compulsive, then it is can be considered a paraphilia.

There is considerable controversy around this category. For example, homosexuality was considered a perversion and it was previously diagnosed as a disorder by psychiatrists. Many of the sexual practices that make up the paraphilias are no longer considered to be sufficient to diagnose a paraphilic disorder. It is only when practices are compulsive, causing the person extreme levels of distress, placing the person at risk or placing others at risk that a diagnosis is made now.

Therapy is not very successful at riding people of paraphilias as the pleasure that is gained through the expression of them is so immediate and intense. When therapy is sought, the best course of action is to look at making the practices less compulsive and integrating them into a more normative sexuality.

There is considerable debate as to whether paraphilias are impulse control disorder (meaning that they are disorders in which someone fails to control his impulse to engage in the act) or if they are more anxiety based (and then obsessive/compulsive).

The paraphilias include many that are either indulged in alone or with other consenting adults (cross dressing, specific fetishes like feet and leather for example, urolagnia or water sports). These are the ones that no longer attract a diagnosis unless they are very distressing to the person engaging in them. The other paraphilias involving non-consenting people and these always attract a diagnosis. This includes paedophilia (which is attraction to children), zoophilia (attraction to animals and desire for sexual activity with animals), voyeurism (desire based on watching others engage in sexual activities) but only when the watching is being done without consent and frotteurism (rubbing against an unsuspecting person in order to achieve sexual satisfaction).

Many people have strong fantasies and desires relating to paraphilic activities but only part of the time. For example, some people enjoy water sports but do not need to engage in water sports in order to have exciting sex or in order to reach orgasm. For these people, though it is preferred to have the sexual activity or object of desire as part of their sexual life, it is not necessary to have it in order to reach orgasm.

The people who present most often to psychologists and psychiatrists for help are those for whom the paraphilia is necessary to their sexual enjoyment. The man who cannot achieve an erection unless he is wearing women’s clothing or the woman who cannot achieve orgasm unless she is handcuffed or otherwise restrained. Aside from feeling lots of guilt, these people also find it much more difficult to create the sexual relationships they desire and some find themselves in breach of the law or placing themselves at risk.

I am often asked for my view as to whether or not people need to be concerned about paraphilias. So here it is: What goes on between consenting adults is their own business. I recommend becoming very educated on the risks of your desired practice and recognising the level of risk you are taking when engaging in it. Reducing risk is always a good idea but grown people have a right to take risks. No one tells an adult that they are doing...

Hi everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of Sex.  I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is Z and Z is for Zelophilia and other paraphilias. 

Paraphilias were initially identified in 1886 by Richard von Krafft-Ebing in his book Psychopathia Sexualis. The word paraphilia is from the Greek beyond usual and typical love.  Paraphilias are methods of sexual expression that are out of the ordinary and often referred to as deviations or perversions. When a non-normative sexual practice is compulsive, then it is can be considered a paraphilia.

There is considerable controversy around this category. For example, homosexuality was considered a perversion and it was previously diagnosed as a disorder by psychiatrists. Many of the sexual practices that make up the paraphilias are no longer considered to be sufficient to diagnose a paraphilic disorder.  It is only when practices are compulsive, causing the person extreme levels of distress, placing the person at risk or placing others at risk that a diagnosis is made now. 

Therapy is not very successful at riding people of paraphilias as the pleasure that is gained through the expression of them is so immediate and intense.  When therapy is sought, the best course of action is to look at making the practices less compulsive and integrating them into a more normative sexuality.

There is considerable debate as to whether paraphilias are impulse control disorder (meaning that they are disorders in which someone fails to control his impulse to engage in the act) or if they are more anxiety based (and then obsessive/compulsive).  

The paraphilias include many that are either indulged in alone or with other consenting adults (cross dressing, specific fetishes like feet and leather for example, urolagnia or water sports). These are the ones that no longer attract a diagnosis unless they are very distressing to the person engaging in them.  The other paraphilias involving non-consenting people and these always attract a diagnosis.  This includes paedophilia (which is attraction to children), zoophilia (attraction to animals and desire for sexual activity with animals), voyeurism (desire based on watching others engage in sexual activities) but only when the watching is being done without consent and frotteurism (rubbing against an unsuspecting person in order to achieve sexual satisfaction).

Many people have strong fantasies and desires relating to paraphilic activities but only part of the time.  For example, some people enjoy water sports but do not need to engage in water sports in order to have exciting sex or in order to reach orgasm. For these people, though it is preferred to have the sexual activity or object of desire as part of their sexual life, it is not necessary to have it in order to reach orgasm.    

The people who present most often to psychologists and psychiatrists for help are those for whom the paraphilia is necessary to their sexual enjoyment. The man who cannot achieve an erection unless he is wearing women’s clothing or the woman who cannot achieve orgasm unless she is handcuffed or otherwise restrained.  Aside from feeling lots of guilt, these people also find it much more difficult to create the sexual relationships they desire and some find themselves in breach of the law or placing themselves at risk.

I am often asked for my view as to whether or not people need to be concerned about paraphilias. So here it is:  What goes on between consenting adults is their own business. I recommend becoming very educated on the risks of your desired practice and recognising the level of risk you are taking when engaging in it. Reducing risk is always a good idea but grown people have a right to take risks. No one tells an adult that they are doing something horrible if they choose to skydive. This is a risky activity and it is assumed that an adult can assess this risk and will skydive in order to gain the benefits – the excitement, the exhilaration and the pleasure – in the knowledge that it is a dangerous activity.   Rational folks who skydive do so with good kit (good parachute etc) and after learning how to skydive as safely as possible.

In my world, it is no different when talking about sexual risks. If you are excited by being spanked, then you should gain some education so you know the risks of different types of spanking and you should take care in your choice of partner, negotiate before the spanking and be clear about what happens if something goes wrong and what happens afterwards.  When you have educated yourself, it is your choice how much risk to take.

Please note that I said consenting adults.  If your turn on involves a lack of consent and you wish to act it out with non-consenting people (or people who are incapable of giving consent), you need treatment in order to curb your desire. Some people who have rape fantasies (as the rapist) are clear that they would never truly rape someone and negotiate to act out this desire with someone who fantasises about being raped. You can fantasise about something you would never do – either because it wouldn’t be fun with the real details or because it goes against your morality or because it is against the law. There is much evidence that many more people fantasies about the most taboo activities (including sex with underage people) and never act on these fantasies and never desire to actually act on these fantasies. Fantasising does not automatically make someone a risk. However, if someone cannot achieve orgasm without that fantasy material, then there is a risk.

Now that we have talked about paraphilias in general, let’s talk about some specifics. Zelophilia is when someone gains sexual pleasure from making others jealous or being jealous themselves. The most common form of this paraphilia is people who fantasise (or enact) being forced to watch their partner having sex with someone else. On the extreme end of this spectrum this can lead to cuckholding relationships. Cuckholding relationships involve (mostly) men who get aroused by being forced to watch their wives with their often younger stronger lovers and sometimes they are also ‘forced’ to have some type of sex with the lover. Sometimes they organise the encounter but are not allowed to watch. All of these situations produce feelings of jealousy and envy that are part of the turn on and sometimes the main turn on. 

Some zelophiles enjoy making others jealousy. They become sexually aroused by causing others to feel jealous.  This has a touch of sadism to it, particularly when it is not consensual – ie when both partners don’t enjoy the jealousy.  

In my experience, this paraphilia often occurs only in the presence of other fetishes.

 I set out to get some up to date statistics on the most prevalent paraphilias in the general population at the present time. As I was doing this, I realised that these statistics are skewed because they are being gathered most often from people presenting for treatment or people who have been arrested.  In these groups, the most common paraphilia is paedophilia. However, in the general population, I suspect the most common paraphilia is transvestism.  Because this doesn’t cause problems with the law and people often don’t present for treatment, the statistics surrounding how many people enjoy transvestism are skewed.

I thought I would gather my own statistics by looking at various social media groups for people who have non-normative sexual interests and see what was discussed most often. I reasoned that this might give me a less skewed idea of the most popular paraphilias. Unfortunately, my reasoning was flawed.  Lots of people are too embarrassed to discuss these issues on social media so what I was really seeing was people who are comfortable talking in public (and some may say people who are exhibitionists).

Despite this, here are my ideas about the most practiced paraphilias in the general population (not including non-consensual paraphilias – paedophilia, zoophilia, non-consensual voyeurism, frotteurism with strangers):

Sadism and masochism: Sadists gain pleasure from causing pain to others. Masochists gain pleasure out of pain. Sadism can be as mild as enjoying spanking someone to as severe as wanting to cause permanent injury.  Sadists on the far end of the spectrum (who want to cause permanent injury) are a small portion of the population. Sadists who enjoy giving a flogging or a spanking are far more common.

Masochists also fall on a spectrum from those who enjoy receiving a spanking to those who prefer pain that can cause serious injury. There are fewer who prefer serious pain.

Voyeurism is also very common. There are many people who enjoy watching others have sex. There are more than a few ways to indulge in this interest without violating someone else. Some people organise things with their partners and friends. There is a subsection of folks who like to watch from the wardrobe or closet. There are others who enjoy displaying their partners to others.  This is called candaulism. Sometimes this involves having the partner dress in a revealing way. Other times it may involve bringing another person to watch sexual activity. It can also involve filming a partner. Some of the folks who create amateur pornography are candaulists.

Transvestism is quite common. Transvestites enjoy dressing in the clothes of the opposite gender.  Most common are men who enjoy wearing women’s clothing and/or women’s underwear. These men do not wish to change gender.  They are not trans.  They enjoy the feel of ‘dressing up’.  There are women who enjoy dressing in men’s clothing. Often partners are concerned that a man who enjoys dressing in women’s underwear is gay. This is usually not the case.   It is the dressing up and the feel of the garments that is the turn on for these folks.

In the past, prior to the internet, if you had more unusual sexual desires it could be hard to find a sexual partner who shared your desires. Some people would engage in these desires with professional sex workers and keep this from their usual sexual partners.  Others who could not become aroused or reach orgasm without their particular kink could find they had no sexual partner and instead used fantasy material or their sex life was confined to their encounters with professional sex workers. Since the internet, it has become much easier for people to find each other. There are various communities where people talk about their desires and often can find compatible partners. To each, his own.

Joan wrote and said that she enjoys having sex in front of other people and that she was a bit concerned about her exhibitionism. She said that she likes the thrill of ‘almost getting caught’. There is no need to be concerned about exhibitionism per se Joan – as long as you aren’t exposing yourself in public where you may get arrested or traumatise unsuspecting people.  You can practice your exhibitionism with friends or at sex clubs without consequence.  If you feel that the part that turns you on the most is the thrill of almost getting caught and you don’t feel you can enjoy sex without this thrill, it would be worth seeing a therapist to help you to find ways of satisfying this need without ending up in difficulty with the law. 

Thanks for joining me this week for the A to Z of Sex. This was the last in the first series.  If you have missed some of the earlier part of the alphabet, head over to iTunes or http://atozofsex.com/podcast to download.  Please leave a review on iTunes or Stitcher if you enjoy the show and subscribe! 

 Write in with your questions to [email protected] and visit both websites www.atozofsex.com and www.the-intimacy-coach.com to learn about alternative sexual choices, types of sexual relationships and to learn to sizzle and create that ideal lasting intimate relationship.   For a free 30 minute session with me, head over to www.atozofsex.com and click on the button that says ‘book now’. 

Please join me next week when we will start again at the beginning with A for Anal.

Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is Y and why is for YES!!

People who are willing to say yes to live, love and sex are people who have happier and more satisfying relationships. People who say YES! take more and better risks. They are better able to ride the waves of life and love and to deal with the occasional drenching when the wave breaks over their heads. The glass of water is half full. When they fall, they dust themselves off and get back up again.

Today I’m joined by Melanie Gorman, who is the senior VP of Yourtango Experts. Yourtango is a major platform that provides advice in the form of blogs, articles, and videos to people who want help with love, relationships, sex and life. Experts join this platform and provide the blogs, articles, Q&A and videos to the public at large. A couple of the more well known experts include Dr John Gray and Esther Perel. Melanie is the moderator of the successful video programme The Experts. She is a Master’s level relationship therapist and a business and relationship coach. She co-developed a coaching program based on the work of Dr John Gray, Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus for those of you not familiar with his name. From there she became the director of operations for the MarsVenus sites. She has been working with Yourtango since 2009, having started by helping their visionary team create the Expert’s Platform. She is now heading up all the expert’s programmes and the first in person YTExperts conference which will take place in NYC in April 2017.

Let’s talk about this concept of YES!. In my experience, it isn’t easy to move people from a ‘no’ life view to a YES one but it is so important for helping people create exciting and satisfying lives – lives lived out loud with few regrets. Melanie and I went on to talk about how saying ‘yes’ to life requires taking responsibility for your actions, learning resilience, being willing to fail and knowing that when you do – you learn for the future and the ability to dust yourself off and get back up again.

We spoke about how enriching this lifestyle is and how important it is for people to be willing to risk, especially if they do not have average desires, wishes and dreams. People who live alternative lifestyles don’t just ‘fall into’ the relationship for them. They have to be willing to risk and live out loud, being clear about their wants and needs.

We spoke about how for women, yes often means looking after others first and that this is not what we are talking about. We are talking about figuring out your own heart’s desire and then saying yes to that which sometimes means putting yourself first.

We spoke about how choosing yes means going to your final rest having lived your life fully, with few regrets.

Thanks for joining me this week for the A to Z of Sex. Write in with your questions to [email protected] and visit both websites www.atozofsex.com and www.the-intimacy-coach.com to learn about alternative sexual choices, types of sexual relationships and to learn to sizzle and create that ideal lasting intimate relationship. For a free 30 minute session with me, head over to http://www.atozofsex.com (www.atozofsex.com) and click on the button that says ‘book now’. Please join me next week when the letter will be Z and Z is for Zelophilia.

Hi everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is Y and why is for YES!!

People who are willing to say yes to live, love and sex are people who have happier and more satisfying relationships. People who say YES! take more and better risks. They are better able to ride the waves of life and love and to deal with the occasional drenching when the wave breaks over their heads. The glass of water is half full. When they fall, they dust themselves off and get back up again.

Today I’m joined by Melanie Gorman, who is the senior VP of Yourtango Experts. Yourtango is a major platform that provides advice in the form of blogs, articles, and videos to people who want help with love, relationships, sex and life. Experts join this platform and provide the blogs, articles, Q&A and videos to the public at large. A couple of the more well known experts include Dr John Gray and Esther Perel. Melanie is the moderator of the successful video programme The Experts. She is a Master’s level relationship therapist and a business and relationship coach. She co-developed a coaching program based on the work of Dr John Gray, Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus for those of you not familiar with his name. From there she became the director of operations for the MarsVenus sites. She has been working with Yourtango since 2009, having started by helping their visionary team create the Expert’s Platform. She is now heading up all the expert’s programmes and the first in person YTExperts conference which will take place in NYC in April 2017.

Let’s talk about this concept of YES!. In my experience, it isn’t easy to move people from a ‘no’ life view to a YES one but it is so important for helping people create exciting and satisfying lives – lives lived out loud with few regrets. Melanie and I went on to talk about how saying ‘yes’ to life requires taking responsibility for your actions, learning resilience, being willing to fail and knowing that when you do – you learn for the future and the ability to dust yourself off and get back up again. 

We spoke about how enriching this lifestyle is and how important it is for people to be willing to risk, especially if they do not have average desires, wishes and dreams. People who live alternative lifestyles don’t just ‘fall into’ the relationship for them. They have to be willing to risk and live out loud, being clear about their wants and needs. 

We spoke about how for women, yes often means looking after others first and that this is not what we are talking about. We are talking about figuring out your own heart’s desire and then saying yes to that which sometimes means putting yourself first.

We spoke about how choosing yes means going to your final rest having lived your life fully, with few regrets.

Thanks for joining me this week for the A to Z of Sex. Write in with your questions to [email protected] and visit both websites www.atozofsex.com and www.the-intimacy-coach.com to learn about alternative sexual choices, types of sexual relationships and to learn to sizzle and create that ideal lasting intimate relationship. For a free 30 minute session with me, head over to www.atozofsex.com and click on the button that says ‘book now’.  Please join me next week when the letter will be Z and Z is for Zelophilia.